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Ten Reasons Why I’m Not Sexist
My language and communication style is very blunt. I talk about very tough subjects that are often difficult to hear. Sometimes, people take things I say and make judgments about them (or me personally) based on their internal feelings about what I said rather than what I said. One particular example of this is the thought that I might, just might, be a little anti-woman.
-By Caleb Jones
1. I have been on record as stating repeatedly that most relationship problems are caused by men, not women. I have stated, and will continue to state, that the frame of relationships, including and especially the bad ones, almost always start with the man, even if the relationship is “woman is boss, man is bitch” (because it was he who came to her with the message of “I’ll be happy to be your bitch”).
One of the problems with the seduction community and the larger men’s movement is that many guys tend to believe that women are all evil conniving bitches and men are just innocent victims doing nothing wrong. Good lord, this is no where near what I believe. I think men, especially men in the U.S. and Europe, are doing a HELL OF A LOT wrong in terms of dating, relationships and marriage, and require immediate and massive shifts in behavior.
Do I think women are blameless? Of course not. Women are directly responsible for all kinds of chaos and problems. But that doesn’t mean men are doing nothing wrong. They’re doing a lot wrong. Go look at what I say on the seduction forums and you'll see how brutal I am with men.
2. I am one of the few men in the seduction community (that I have read about anyway) who openly states that men should never lie to women. Tell her the truth, or keep your mouth shut. Never, ever say anything to a woman that you know is untrue. That’s what AFCs do. Real men stride boldly through life and never need to lie about anything.
3. I am one of the few men in the seduction community (that I have read about anyway) who openly states that cheating on women is an extremely bad thing and should never be done. Instead, I tell guys to never promise monogamy in the first place. If she’s cool with that, she can stay. If she’s not, she can leave whenever she likes and go date someone else.
If you’ve already promised her monogamy and want to fuck other girls, then tell her you’re going to fuck other women, actually go do that, and watch what she does. If she breaks up/divorces you, fine. Her loss. Move on and find a better woman, one more compatible with your sexual desires. There’s a lot of ‘em out there. But crap, don’t promise her exclusivity and then secretly go fuck other girls, skulking around like a pussy-frightened thief in the night who doesn’t want to make his GF or wife mad. Again, that’s what AFCs do and it’s simply another variation of lying.
I have never cheated on a woman in my entire life and I never will. The worst I get is women getting upset I won't promise them monogamy...but that isn't lying or cheating. I'm giving her the option to take me as I am, or not. I'm letting her choose.
4. Whenever I talk about open relationships, which is all the time, I am always very clear that if men want to fuck other women, women should also be allowed to fuck other people too. The polygamous arrangement of you as the big man fucking all these different people but your GF or wife not being allowed to do the same is not something that will ever work in the modern western world. Women are not going to tolerate that, nor should they.
In addition, if you’re just scared to death over the thought of your GF or wife having meaningless sex with some other guy (who is likely an AFC), you need to look inward and ask yourself where all this insecurity comes from. As long as a condom is used, I don’t give a shit if the love of my life has sex with other guys. Who cares? I have better things to worry about. Look, people. Sex is a biological function, like going to the bathroom. What’s there to be jealous of?
Man up and stop being a baby. (That goes to you women out there too!) If you’re allowed to, she should be allowed to also. Ladies, if your man fucks other women, then go fuck some other guy, preferably one with six-pack abs, and do it proudly. Fair is fair.
5. I believe strongly in gender equality. If a woman does a particular job as well as a man and has the same qualifications as a man, she should get paid equal to a man. If a woman seriously fucks up on the job, I believe she should get her ass fired, just like a man would. I don’t believe in treating women any worse or better than men, in or out of the workplace. I believe in equality, something the feminists (say they) want. Great! Totally agree, feminists!
6. I firmly and strongly believe in men paying child support for the children they help create. If he came inside you without wearing a condom when he knew you weren’t on any birth control and you have the baby, I 100% believe he should pay support for that child whether he wants to or not. Men who cum inside women on purpose and who can afford child support but refuse to pay it are scum in my not-so humble opinion. (Notice I said child support. On things like alimony I have a very different opinion, but things like that have nothing to do with children.)
7. In my almost 40 years of life on this earth, I have never: A) hit or otherwise abused a woman, B) stolen from a woman, and C) tried to keep a woman “down” or “in the home” or held a woman back from fulfilling her highest potential.
8. Moreover, in the last 15 years or so, I have never A) raised my voice to a woman in anger (other than two or three very brief instances during my divorce), B) lied to a woman, and C) tried to control a woman’s behavior or her life. I believe women are free individuals who should be allowed to do what they want (as long as they don't force their will on others, and I don't think men should do that either).
9. In my business life I have happily employed and worked with numerous women and the found the vast majority of them to be effective workers. My strongest and most effective working relationships over my business career have been mostly with women (and no, I have a hard and fast rule that I do not sleep with women I work with, so that's not what I'm talking about, you pervert). Moreover I would happily and without hesitation vote for a female presidential candidate (or other high office) if she supported my political views.
10. I strongly, strongly believe women should be completely free of a man’s (or another woman’s) control or dominance in their lives, if they choose. (If a woman wants to be dominated by a man, that's fine too.) All of my political and personal opinions about love and life are geared toward women having control over their own lives, futures, and decisions, rather than to be slaves of men (or other women, which is often worse). Though there are some aspects of the 1950's I do like, I absolutely disagree with the 1950’s model of “wife must be slave to husband”. Yuck. I do not believe in master-slave relationships.
So the next time you read something I’ve written and scream “OMFG this Blackdragon guy is such a misogynist!!!!”, take a deep breath and read it again while remembering what you’ve just read above. You might be surprised at your second interpretation.
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FlowofSoma 2011-05-17 11:47:44
Excellent post! Fully agree with every single point you make.
Nick 2011-05-20 16:25:52
Although there are other aspects of your blog that I am not in complete agreement with you, i.e. politics, your dating and relationship advice is spot on and am in agreement. There are others within the seduction community who do agree with you: Gary Brodsky, Alan Roger Currie, and Steve "The Dean" Williams.
Zeus 2012-09-11 14:44:05
Just came across the post. I pretty much agree with everything except for #4. Sure, on the surface your reasoning makes sense. So do the surface arguements for monogamy made by others. But just like when Society imposes (unnatural) monogamy upon couples, advocating open females as a norm also ignores fundemental (male) hard wiring, namely the male expectation of female exclusitivity while they are together. Yeah it's a double standard, yeah it's not faaair, but just like imposing an monogamy standard upon a notoriously non-monogamous species, it typically doesn't work out when we fight nature. We can ponder many historical contexts, and perhaps good reasons why this dichotomy exists, but lets not pretend it doesn't and act on a false assumption. Sure some guys can deal with it. I'd like to think I could be OK with it, but I'm not gonna kid myself either. I won't ask, I don't obsess on it, but if i find out it WILL change how i feel about her and most likely she's out. It's just the way it is.
Blackdragon 2012-09-11 16:49:38
I have already written an entire post on exactly that point (#4). I haven't posted it yet, but it's coming very soon.
Will K 2013-03-08 05:49:38
Fully agree with Zeus here. Polygamy is the male version of perfect life, while serial monogamy is the female paradise. Don't see why they can't exist simultaneously. I can't really love a woman who fucks other men, I just can't. I mean sure, I can pretend to if I want to, but deep down, I can't. It's my programming, and I really don't see any point in changing it anyhow. I have better things to do. It really isn't about fucking hundreds of women for me. It's about falling in love with a woman (or two) who absolutely adore you, respect you and follow your lead. Sure, professionally they can be as independent as I am, but from personal experience... Women who made 10x more money than me didn't really truly ever respect me as much as those who made 1/2x. Man's sexual agenda has always been different from a woman's. Allowing the love of my life to get fucked by some other man really makes me jealous. It's sexual jealousy to be sure, but love and sex are bio-mixed, aren't they? You can't stop dopamine or oxytocin releases now, can you, Blackdragon? Orgasms and touch will bond her with other men she fucks. The two women I love both know about the each other. I am exclusive to them. I am not married to either, but that's just legally. From any other measurable/ observable POV, they are my wives. That's how I roll. And I wouldn't fuck any other woman, just like they wouldn't fuck any other man.
Blackdragon 2013-03-08 11:29:37
Polygamy is the male version of perfect life, while serial monogamy is the female paradise. Don’t see why they can’t exist simultaneously.Because fucking multiple people isn't monogamy.
I mean sure, I can pretend to if I want to, but deep down, I can’t.I agree. I didn't say you have to like it. I said you have to allow it. It's like paying taxes. I don't necessarily like it, but I see the point so I do it and allow for it.
The two women I love both know about the each other. I am exclusive to them. I am not married to either, but that’s just legally. From any other measurable/ observable POV, they are my wives. That’s how I roll. And I wouldn’t fuck any other woman, just like they wouldn’t fuck any other man.That's awesome and my hat's off to you. If both of those women don't fuck other men because they choose to not fuck other men, that's great! Keep it up! But if they don't fuck other men because you've laid down the law and commanded them that they aren't "allowed to", now we have a big problem. Hopefully you see the clear difference between the two.
Will K 2013-03-08 13:10:46
I agree it isn't monogamy, it's polygamy. Different from polyamory, of course, as you very well know. Part of the reason I have it is because I don't allow them to fuck around. My rules... and they deal with it. Part of it is that they weren't doing it anyway. I chose to elevate their status AFTER they displayed this to me. Let's take an example here... So I bring a contract to the table, strictly as one businessmen to another... That I am going to be your exclusive contractor for the next X years, while I am free to take on as many other clients as I want. But should you choose to take deal with a different contractor, our deal is over, and you don't get my services anymore. You can take it or leave it. Same deal with the women... "Look, we like each other and I really do feel like I am in love with you, but you can't fuck anyone else while I fuck Y and you. I honestly do feel attached to her too, and I won't end my relationship with her. If that isn't acceptable to you, then you're free to leave. It'd make me very sad, but at the end of the day, it's your decision." X agrees, and Y agrees to the same deal, and I am happy. Both of them were initially pissed off, and they even came back to me with their lists of demands, but then we finally could come to a good resolution that gets us all the best of what we wanted. Now, you may not like THIS system, but you really need to understand that I don't necessarily have to allow it. It is NOT like taxes at all... I don't pay taxes, I end up in the jail. Both my girls take me up on this deal, no one ends up in the jail, do they? There is nothing illegal here. So no... I disagree... I DON'T necessarily have to allow it, like you say.
Will K 2013-03-08 13:15:14
*EDIT:Now, you may not like THIS system, but you really need to understand that I don’t necessarily have to allow them to fuck other men. Not just for the sake of coming across as politically correct. And certainly not to prove to people that I am not a misogynist. You generally sound like you couldn't give a fuck about the people, and I respect that... But in this post, it sounded to me as though you took this particular stance just to prove to others that you are not a misogynist. As long as I am doing nothing illegal, and not forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to, I can offer this deal to ten women at once if I want to. And should all ten take me up, then you know... I essentially have ten wives. Without all the obligations, of course. It is NOT like taxes at all… I don’t pay taxes, I end up in the jail. Both my girls take me up on this deal, no one ends up in the jail, do they? There is nothing illegal here.
Blackdragon 2013-03-08 13:32:49
Where your argument falls down is when you say it's simply a "take it or leave it" option and nothing else. You and I know there's much more to it than that. You offer it. They take it. So far so good. But now you have to spend the rest of your life watching them to make sure they don't violate that agreement, which takes time and effort and emotion on your part. More importantly, if/when they violate that agreement, YOU'LL BE PISSED. You'll start yelling and commanding them to get back into line. You can deny you'll do that, but you know that's what will happen, especially if it's a long relationship you're trying to protect. That you don't command them like slaves on the front end is great. However if/when the agreement is violated, that's when the drama and orders start. You've simply moved drama and commands from the front end of the relationship to the back end. Which is much, much better, and you deserve great credit for that, but it's still not optimal in my view from the basis of a man who desires long-term, consistent happiness. (Of course you can delude yourself into thinking "Well, MY women would never do that", but then now we're into the standard poly/monogamy argument I've done hundreds of times before.)
Will K 2013-03-09 08:22:31
"You and I know there’s much more to it than that." Yeah, but what if the other 48 possible permutations and combinations are unacceptable to me? That's what makes it easy for me to make the offer. "Follow me or move on!" "But now you have to spend the rest of your life watching them to make sure they don’t violate that agreement, which takes time and effort and emotion on your part." That's a huge assumption you're making though. I'd say it's projection. I'll explain... I'm very comfortable letting anyone go at any point of time in my life. I might feel sad, but holding on to people is what I do not do. So I don't follow them around, or watch them. I'll know when one of them is no longer as passionate about me as she used to be. (Which is to say she's running low on dopamine from me, or in yet other words, we're getting close to, "love you but not in love with you".) And when she gets there, she's got to go. Simple as that. Relationships are gifts. Our gifts to each other. If one of us is not happy with it, it's just best to either redesign the relationship, or end it. That's how functional relationships are formed. So no, I don't follow or watch them. "More importantly, if/when they violate that agreement, YOU’LL BE PISSED." True. Probably hurt too. "You’ll start yelling and commanding them to get back into line." False. I'll simply let them go. In fact, I'll kick her out. I've done that in the past once. It was painful, very much so, but it needed to be done. Now that I look back, I realize she was great, but ultimately replaceable. Just as these two are. "it’s still not optimal in my view from the basis of a man who desires long-term, consistent happiness." This is where you and I differ. My system just suits my style and profile better. Getting a new girl is not hard, but finding one that I really enjoy can be. It's just one of those things... Like you think it is better to fuck them first and filter them out later, while I do the complete opposite, and that works for me. I just believe in letting women automatically filter themselves out if they are not truly interested in me. Very few make it far, but those that do make me feel exceptionally content. What is truly saddening for me is allowing a woman I really feel strongly for get the dopamine and oxytocin releases (aka orgasms) from another man. That just makes me feel emasculated. I can't deal with it. I know because I have tried that in the past. The only sane option for me at that point was to let her go, completely. "Of course you can delude yourself into thinking “Well, MY women would never do that”, but then now we’re into the standard poly/monogamy argument I’ve done hundreds of times before.)" Any woman is capable of cheating just as any man is. She is just flesh and blood, and has her wildly crazy emotional swings. She ovulates every month and craves her excitement. Both my girls are capable of cheating on me. And so am I... I can also start having sex with other women, which would be akin to cheating. But then, that's the duration of the relationship. If someone feels better with another person, they want out, they ought to get out. Everyone's replaceable, and that includes me in my girls' lives. If she's drooling about some other dude, why'd I want to keep her around? Love? That's just a bunch of chemicals. You and I both know how easy it is to fall in love with another woman. I'm not arguing with you for the sake of arguing. I have respect for you, and that is why I am trying to show you a different PoV. I don't disagree with yours. If I could deal with jealousy, I'd probably go that way too. But I like getting a little too intimate with my girls. And if that puts an X year deadline on the relationship (it may not, but even if it does) then so be it. I'd rather be completely intimate with 2 or 3 women at a time and focus on just them, instead of being less concerned about who they fuck. To me who they fuck is a big deal. And if they can't respect this, they cant stay in my life. I don't even want them around in that case.
Oscar Charles 2013-11-29 10:01:11
Will, I'll bet a million that one or both of your "girlfriends" has already "cheated" on you. And the reason is the double standard.
Carlito 2016-08-23 15:10:06
"As long as a condom is used, I don’t give a shit if the love of my life has sex with other guys." This seems to contradict what you said in Blackdragon Podcast #5. From listening to that, it seems like you would allow your love to sleep with other guys, but you wouldn't be very happy about it.
Blackdragon 2016-08-23 16:16:17
This seems to contradict what you said in Blackdragon Podcast #5. From listening to that, it seems like you would allow your love to sleep with other guys, but you wouldn’t be very happy about it.Incorrect. In that podcast I was giving an example of what the typical guy would say, not what I would say. My love can bang all the guys she wants as long as condoms are used and they're just FBs. I don't care. It's just sex.
Carlito 2016-08-24 12:50:22
My bad, I misunderstood. I was pretty surprised listening to what I thought you were saying. Makes a lot more sense now.
Niteride Mick 2017-06-28 21:13:01
Having two so called wife's isn't that a can of worms Do you pay her out when you kick one out What's to stop her getting legal advice saying she has contribute to the household money wise Plus it does not look good if it goes to court Man living with two woman kicks one out because She's unfaithful You wont have a leg to stand on!!
Polly 2019-11-26 02:47:40
Will K: I have the same setup as you and I feel the same way. This setup works best for men like us, but allthough it comes with a different set of problems, most of BD's advice still apply. (I think even more so in terms of beeing an Alpha 2.0 to correctly handle a bit more drama). I have two "love" boxes and no FB or MLTR boxes but I still need to refresh the OI frame. I view and communicate my frame as two monogamous relationships to both women (but NOT to my grown up kids or anybody else). I'm the only man in my womens life and this is also the way they clearly express they want it to be. If you have the right frame without oneitis, they will allways know you have other options. (Most of the work in this setup is to make them feel safe wile keeping your frame). I therefore don't need to express my concerns about other men, (which is kind of needy and controlling). I've told both of them I now have what I want in my life and will not cheat on them. I've also clearly expressed that IF they change their mind at any point and want a FB or a husband, do let me know. I said "I will respect your choice and will not leave you because this, but we need to talk about it and review our expectations". Keep up the good and work on this blog! Greetings from Scandinavia.