When She Asks To Borrow Money

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When She Asks To Borrow Money

There must be something in the water lately.  Since January of this year, I've had four different women in my life ask me to borrow money.  It just happened again this morning. It's always some crisis.  I always say no.  I'm very nice when I do it, but I always say no.  Always.

-By Caleb Jones

I've talked about this topic before when I talk about long-term OLTRs or OLTR marriages, but let me re-state a few basics that apply to ANY romantic or sexual relationship:

1. Never lend a woman money.  (I'm talking about women in your sexual and relationship life.  Pure platonic business situations might be different.)  By the way, putting your credit card authorization on something that she will pay cash for later counts as a loan.  I shouldn't have to say this, but doing things like buying two plane tickets with the understanding she'll reimburse you for her ticket "later" or when she "gets her paycheck on Friday" is also a loan.  God dammit, man up and don't be a moron.  Do NOT let oneitis or horniness allow you to rationalize bullshit yourself as to what is a loan and what isn't.  DON'T LOAN HER MONEY.

2. Never co-sign anything with a woman.  Co-signing is equivalent to loaning.  Don't let her convince you otherwise.  She'll try.

3. Sharing is good.  Co-owning is bad.  Never co-own anything with a woman worth more than about $200.  If something is yours and you love her, share it with her unconditionally.  Just make sure it's 100% legally yours, not "both of yours".

4. Here's the biggie a lot of you dumbasses fuck up on:  Never sign on a lease with a woman.  Never never ever.  If you live with a woman in a rental situation, HER name is on the lease, or YOUR name is on the lease, not BOTH your names.  The same applies to mortgages and purchasing a house.  I don't care if you love her and she loves you and You Know What You're Doing™ and she's Not Like The Rest™.

Legally speaking, YOU own the house and mortgage, or SHE owns the house and mortgage.  Not both of you.  It's a recipe for disaster and I still cannot believe the sheer number of otherwise intelligent people who still do this.  Shit, even when I was married I didn't do that.  It saved my ass in the divorce, let me tell you.

5. Never spend money on a chick in return for a promise for future sex.  I just love these idiots who buy a chick a fancy suite and first-class ticket to Vegas with the understanding that she'll "make it worth his while" once they get there.  They're always shocked and pissed when they get no sex from her in Vegas, or after Vegas (though I'm sure one of the penniless Alphas she met at the club that evening had a good time with her).

If you really want to make an arrangement like that (and you shouldn't), when some hot chick suggests it, tell her to come directly to your house tomorrow night where you and her will have sex for an hour.  Assure her that as soon as you're both done, you will walk right over to the computer and book two tickets to Vegas.  Believe me, you'll find out really quick how serious she was about her "offer".  (I've done similar to this a few times now, and it's fun to watch the gold-digging bitches squirm when you turn the tables on them.)
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Let me tell you something from a guy who's been around the block a few times.  Not only have I been burned in the past by loaning money to females, but I have been burned by women who were very honest and responsible. Loaning money to an irresponsible or immature woman is one thing.  Loaning money to an honest responsible one is just as dangerous.  Why?

I don't know if you've noticed yet, but most unmarried women under the age of 35 are constantly living crisis to crisis.  Her life is fine for a few months, then crisis.  When the crisis is over, things are fine again for a few months, then there's another crisis.  Women are very up-and-down dynamic creatrues and they tend to like this sort of lifestyle (I personally would kill myself, but I'm a man, and a rational one at that).

What always happens when you lend a woman money is when she's supposed to pay you back some new little crisis will arise that will prevent her from doing so.  And yeah, yeah, she'll feel really bad and apologize all over the place, but you still won't get your money back, or at least not all of it.

I don't care how smart or mature or organized you think she is.  If you loan her money (or any of the equivalents listed above), you're asking for trouble.  The relationship will be negatively effected.  Paradoxically, the more you like her, the more important it is to say no to her loan requests.

On top of all that loaning money to her severely damages your Alpha "be attracted to him" frame and moves you over into the provider "he's boring" frame.  If you enjoy sex, happiness, and freedom, provider is not a place you want to be.  (Or in this case, be perceived as.)

Moreover, I can tell you two things I've observed in my own life when I say no:

1. They never break up with me.  I have never lost a woman by saying no to her request to borrow my money.  If anything, it solidifies my standing as an Alpha and boosts or maintains her attraction for me. 2. They always find the money some other way.  Always.

So when she says her life is going to come to an end unless she gets $180 from you by 3pm today, just smile and sweetly say no. Even if this pisses her off, you and your relationship with her will be better for it.

By the way, if she does ask you, make a mental note of it and don't forget.  If she asks you for more money again some time later, that means she's entered a negative pattern of behavior, thus it's time for a next or a downgrade.

If you're in a relationship with a woman you really like and you want to GIVE her money for whatever reason, go ahead.  Nothing wrong with that as long as your frame and EFA are strong.  (Though you are still moving over into provider-land, so be aware.)  I'm talking about loaning money to a chick and expecting her to pay it back when she promises.  It's not going to happen, and you'll be pissed.

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This article was originally published on August 6, 2011
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  • N 2011-08-08 07:06:33

    [catching up on my reading here...] > 2. They always find the money some other way. Always. This. Fuck yea. Every time even when a good friend or social acquaintance or colleague has asked me for money, and I didn't provide it, I found this to be the case. And when they plead and argue and everything - and some of them are /very/ persuasive and make a /very/ good case for their dire needs their horrendous situation - remembering this has helped me the most. No matter how gut-wrenching the story is, they'll be fine without my cash. Its like having a plan in life and goal and direction and some sense of order and where everything belongs. I honestly do not know how people live without this. But they do... some people are eternally disorganised, late for everything, have a chaotic life and no sense of direction whatsoever. And YET they still manage live and get along in society, I don't know how. Realising that has made all their 'dire' needs much less relevant to me. N PS: One thing to maybe include here - only ever lend what you don't expect to get back. Be positively surprised when you do.

  • Joe 2011-08-15 15:08:51

    I just had a girl ask me today if I would pay her utility bills and buy her groceries and so on. I know she is out, it's real. But I told her, I don't pay the bills of a girl I'm not dating. She texted me, "lose my number". Fine with me, honestly. If I do it once it will never end and she will lose all respect for me, so I lose. That's worse than never talking to her again. I'm a nice guy but I think I make it pretty clear when I say I wouldn't pay the bills of someone I'm not dating.

  • Blackdragon 2011-08-15 15:45:52

    I agree with you. If something like that is grounds for terminating the entire relationship, you're better off without her. What I say when a woman asks is usually something like "I want to help you, but the times I've loaned money in the past was ALWAYS bad for the relationship." She'll try to convince you she's "not like the other girls", but whatever. It's a little less harsh way of saying no.

  • John Howard 2012-12-13 19:43:39

    My Take on this topic is simple. If a chick asks you for money and she is not a sincere friend or in a relationship with you, then you giving her money for sex would be like you paying her for accepting a reward. Women need sex just as much as men, don't get it twisted like the "AFC".

  • another 2013-09-13 05:52:30

    One thing you might have forgotten to mention is the fact that a majority of these women keep asking for money from guys because they have become accustomed to receiving handouts from too eager to please males who cannot wait to bed them.This must be one of the reasons why you say 'they always find the money some other way..' Remember pavlovs experiment. The sooner you set the standards in the relationship the easier it will be as you progress forward.

  • Blackdragon 2013-09-14 00:13:37

    Very true.

  • Amanda 2013-11-15 09:43:43

    Sadly, I was a woman who received these "handouts" (not loans), and that's because it was just too easy. I wasn't looking for a relationship, either. I wouldn't even sleep with the man. I would lead him on and make him think that at some point I MIGHT sleep with him, and then keep it going until he eventually gave up. Pretty bad, huh? However these men were always happy to give me their money because they thought I would like them better for it, or would owe them something for it. Don't get me wrong, GIVING (not lending) money to a girl you really like will make her feel good. She either is ready to settle down and this will show her you want to help take care (and by take care I don't mean work and give her all your money while she sits at home on the couch) of her and be in a serious relationship, or she is playing you and MIGHT have sex with you, but that's it. Some advice from me is just because you want to have sex with a girl doesn't mean you should be so willing to hand out money to her. I guess if she is having sex with you, and you don't mind "rewarding" her for it then go right ahead. But if she's not having sex with you and she keeps making up these catastrophic stories, just don't believe it. They are usually lies anyway, or her life is just too screwed up and you should run far away. Men are usually too distracted by the beautiful eyes and perky boobs to say no. Don't be one of those guys. 🙂

  • Nosferatu 2013-12-12 00:44:15

    What about the reverse situation? Not that she offers you a loan, but offers to pay for stuff… like take you on a holiday?

  • Blackdragon 2013-12-12 09:28:11

    If she wants to give you free money, go for it.

  • Tony D 2014-02-04 12:39:35

    Great post BD. I don't often think of or write posts like these. But yes, I've been burned as well and I agree. Just last summer you might remember I bought a girl a bus ticket and she didn't show up to the bus stop. It was only $50, but I should have known at this stage.

  • Qubit Monk 2015-04-13 14:58:05

    A girl I met a week ago came to my place yesterday and she asked me to loan her about $700.00 crying and saying shit about how she's having problems with her mum and shit... I spent some money to get her drinks, pills and cigarette (I was needy)...what I found was whenever I tried to kino-escalate, she pushes me away...saying she doesn't want me to touch her...funny enough I started to rationalise how much she needed the money. She left and no sex for me. Lol Not even a kiss. I texted her later to say I wouldn't give her the money.

  • vinx 2015-05-13 10:55:29

    interesting,..i had this girl telling me of a catastrophe she was going through and needed 1,000/=(no,not in $ but a weaker currency)..i told her no, i was broke..then she went down to 500/=...i still said no..she got it elsewhere anyway.later she came for a 50/= the following day for some other purpose,...i gave her coz it was little though she said she would return it...she later came with a 500/= asking whether i had change if i took my 50/=..ofcourse i didnt have it and i sensed she was hoping i didnt,..she calls later to tell me she's already left and she will bring it,..i tell her to send it to me as airtime........etc,etc,etc...bottom line is if she asks for it and things were going well, if u give her, u've ruined it...and if u r a woman and like this man, don't ask for cash or else you will ruin it,..especially if you ask too soon.

  • IamKing 2015-09-22 14:24:29

    There was a time I broke up with my ex, and for almost a year I sobbed wishing I would get her back. After that whole year, she told me she needed my help. To make a long story short, she exploited my weakness. Funny thing is, I thought she would ask for a few thousand but all she wanted was $40.a few months later I realized she got herself in a bunch of idiotic financial situations. It then started mounting up to $50, and $100 transactions. Yes, I helped her with almost every problem for maybe 8 months. Total I realized I had became a living breathing ATM slash get outta financial distress free card and spent $ $2000 over those few months. Sometimes her whole rhetoric was me providing for her as if that was my sole quest in life. The worst part about it, she would still infuriate me by disrespecting me verbally and take out her life frustration on me. The situation reached a point to where I got into a fight with her and told her enough is enough. I was coming to her aid and in the act she would audaciously act indifferent about the help... She then told me she didn't really respect my decision to keep giving her money and in reality she thought it was weak. She told me I was going to keep giving her the money anyway. She was wrong. I spent a few month away from her and realized I was saving thousands! Not only that, the next time I saw her, she craved my attention and showed true affection I didn't see coming, and she wasn't doing it for money because she didn't ask and went else where. Bottom line, she respected me more when I didn't give in. On another note, she must be a bad manipulator because if she really wanted to keep the gravy train going disrespecting me wasn't the answer. What pragma. Moral of the story, non spousal women will not respect you for your providence or monetary help, no matter if you're rich or u spend your last dime making sure her life is better than yours. , always say no to the female unless you don't expect the money back at all!

  • David 2015-10-08 12:50:53

    Prostitutes are better, no strings attached, you know you're getting sex from them, they're always smoking hot and the price is fixed. Also you can have a different woman every time.

  • Uhondo 2015-10-29 06:37:45

    This post is quite old but nonetheless still echoes true to this day. I have gotten into these situations a couple of times and really do get surprised at how quickly a woman you don't even really know well is quick to ask for a handout. Maybe its because they have gotten used to sex-hungry males emptying out their pockets in pursuit of a pudenda. I have to admit that I have lost a couple of young, very attractive girls by saying no to their repeated requests for cash, but I know that the temporary pleasure that may have been gained in such a quid-pro-quo type of arrangement would have been more than offset by the eventual financial mess and acrimony giving in would have landed me into. Now if I must I only give what I do not expect back.

  • MarlboroMan62 2015-11-06 15:22:52

    never lend money, turkey dinner always taste funny if her sorry ass even invites you. ive never had a woman pay me back ... ever.  and dont fall for the old "i'll pay you back when i get my tax refund" trick ... its a trick, it wont happen i never put my 1st wife on the house deed when we married, best dumb luck move i ever made

  • eboney man 2015-12-07 19:52:42

    Yep, I read all the post above and I am in the same boat. I left my ex because I thought she was fooling around. Caught her mentioning the other guy in her sleep. I called her on it and she could not deny it. Also, she could not keep her finances straight. She was in debt with all her friends. So when ever we went to visit them, they always would take her in the backroom. Then after she came out, she always had to leave abruptly. Girl wrote all kind of rubber checks. So I wound up giving her money left and right. Bought most of the things in her apartment. This went on four years until finally I could not take it no more. Everybody was calling me, "Sugar Daddy." So its been about six years or so and she still ask me to pay for her bills. Every year on the nose, I get a sob story about how she can not pay her property taxes. I wind up giving a large amount of cash which she trickle pays me back throughout the next year. In the mean time, she is sending me post cards on how she has traveled to South America, to France, to Sweden and all this. She bought a new car, she got all these new clothes and going to school again. I wonder where she is getting all this money. Does she have some rich boyfriend or something? I always ask her about her boyfriend. He has never materialized. No mention of him. Not even a name. So she must not have one. Just me, Mr. Nice Guy. Mr. Captain-Save-A-Hoe! And the bad thing about it is that I am a nice guy, but for God sakes, these women these days will run a "nice guy" into the ground. I am the typical nice guy, six figure income, nice toys and cars, nice home, and all that. In my first and only marriage, I had bought two 4,000 square foot Victorian homes in the Midwest. And what did I do? I had "a woman who I really loved. She was not like all the rest of them." So after I paid for these two gorgeous homes an set up parents up in one of them, we walked hand and hand to a mortgage broker and I "put her name on the title with my name." As the guy was typing it up, he pulled me off into a side room. He said, "Man, your wife is gorgeous and one of the prettiest women he has ever seen, but sir, if I type her name on this mortgage contract with your name, you do understand the homes belong to you and her?" I said yes. Then he said, "No offense, but you are the biggest fool I have ever met!" Then he went back to his computer and processed the new paperwork.  And no more than seven years and two kids into the marriage, I am came home and all my kids and cars and furniture was gone. Then a guy comes up to my house while I was working in the garden. He asked me my name and started to compliment me on my house. He told me that both of my homes had been in House and Gardens. He said he has never seen such a nice house in the area. Then he asked me my name. I told him. He smiled and said, "Well sir, this is your lucky day! Then he reached into his backpack and pulled out this big package. He said, "Sir, I by the authority of so and so state, you are now being served papers, my wife versus my name in the superior court. Then he said, "You have a nice day now...ya heah!" I could not understand what just happened. So I go inside and sit down on a chair, since my 1000 dollar pit couch was gone. As I sat there in disbelief. here comes a whole bunch of cop cars. I see my wife crying in the back seat. Then all these cops come up to my house with guns drawn. "Come out with your hands up!" they yell. It was all so surreal. I told them that I was the owner. They did not care, they wanted me out and on the ground. They told me there was a report of a break in. I told them that somebody had taken all my furniture. Then there is my wife out there yelling and crying and telling the cops that I was the crook who broke in and took everything, when really, her family came in there and cleaned out both houses and took my kids. Then her parents, my once sweet mother and father and law, waddle up the sidewalk while I am laying face down on the ground with guns drawn. They spit on me and say, "Look you N-word, this house belongs my daughter and you get all your S-word off our property now. You ever come back here again and I going to have them shoot you! You hear me N-word?" Well I lost both houses, all my possessions and got to pay child support for the next 14 years on two kids. I worked three jobs around the clock and all my pay was garnished to paying child support. I worked three jobs and was homeless. I lived on the street in my car. I was making pretty good money, but it all went to child support. The pay checks would read, Net pay zero, all funds disbursed to County Clerk Child Support agency. I paid that child support and was never called a "Dead Beat Dad". In the mean time, my ex-wife poisoned the minds of my two kids and they never spoke to me or sent me any pictures of their graduation or anything. My ex-wife joined some hateful Westboro church in Topeka, Kansas. Those people seemed to hate everybody. I just could not take it. So in my weak point in my life, I meet my girlfriend. She was gorgeous, but could not manage her finances. At first, I thought this was kind of cute. It was small little things. Then over time, it was like I was a walking ATM. Even though she was working a well paid job, making more than me, she still wanted me to pay for everything. It was crisis after crisis after crisis. She would make me nice dinners or we would do the wild thing, anything but pay me back my money. Then she would buy me all these gifts and clothes. Come to find out all these things she was buying me, I had to pay for them. She thought she was being nice buying things for me. Then she had to buy things for her too so she could look nice for me. I was spending so much money, I had to carry four wallets. One would get emptied out every three to four hours. It was the "revolving wallets". Then she would wash my clothes and instead of cleaning my clothes, she would clean out any money she would find in my pockets or in the worn out wallets. I wanted to leave her a thousand times, but the food was so good. The sex was so good, and my brain was so small. But finally, when I was awaken by her yelling out this guy's name in her sleep, that did it for me. Well I thought. Leaving someone you really love is like going through a funeral. Its like they died and I went through all kind of depression levels. It took me about two to three years to get over it all and to actually trust another human being. Every time I dipped my foot back into the dating scene, my toes would get burned. So I decided to go MGTOW. Did that for a bit and people started to think I came out the closet or something. The women were saying I was too pretty and something is wrong with me if I don't have a woman. Hell, I needed to have a woman so I could spend all my money on her and be put back in misery like all my buddies. I just look at all of them...whipped, obedient security dogs. Most of the, potbelly, living in a man cave inside their house, getting yelled at all the time, begging to do something, always compromising on everything, and looking miserable has heck. Some of my friends are millionaires and they still looked whipped. Don't ever say a lot of money brings a lot of happiness. No it doesn't And the more money they make, the more her way of life must be maintained. And so now that I have an ex-girlfriend, she seems to want to maintain her higher lifestyle on my ticket, or maybe on all her other ex-boyfriends who are Mr. Nice Guys. All this crap plays on my conscience. I am not in the habit of being a jerk and an A-hole. But then I look and see who gets all the women these days. It is the A-hole. The biggest jerk who would not give two cents to what a woman says or thinks. He treats them like S-word, and they come crawling back to them. Its just like in the sex industry. The most gorgeous girls in the world are showing all their stuff on the internet and their managers or pimps are some of the most god awful looking dudes you ever seen. They treat them like trash, but these gorgeous girls just keep selling themselves for nothing, doing whatever is told of them. Maybe it is time for me to get off this rock and go someplace else. This world is too weird for me. People have gone completely insane. Intelligent and smart people such as myself, continue to do the most idiotic and stupid things. I never think it is going to change either. As soon as I get off this long drawn out manifesto rant here, I am probably going to get my check book and write my ex a few thousand dollars to save her on her latest crisis. God bless idiots like me, and God Bless the U.S. of A.

  • John 2016-03-26 01:48:06

    Yeah me too.I met a woman just back in December of 2015 and since then she has gotten $1,500 off of me. she is very hot and very sexy and dresses like a sleazy who're to get my money. she is unemployed doesn't have a car, and lives in a dump. I know there is it going on but I can't put my finger on it I think she is on drugs.

  • John 2016-03-26 01:59:29

    I will be 45 and she is 28. I know she is leading me on but I just can't stop because every time I give her money I get sex. no I can't say she is a prostitute butt she said she wants to be my girlfriend. the thing that bothers me the most is that she hardly ever calls me and when she does it is to borrow money. she has never visited my apartment but yet I've been over her place probably 14 times and every time I've been over there she's always gotten money off of me.I do work in the early afternoon too late in the evening so to see her in the morning or in the evening is about impossible and every time we do have sex within one hours he's kicking me out with an excuse like she has to get up early or something. then I asked her why is she kicking me out so soon and she says she didn't realize what time it was.tomorrow is Easter Sunday and she has asked me for $80 today to buy her daughters Easter presents and baskets. I know I should not give it to her but I feel bad for the daughters.she has told me she suffers from schizophrenia bipolarism and ADHD and so I feel obligated in a way to help her when she wants money. but since giving her that money I feel like such a damn fool. I need to put an end to this money giving things because it is driving me into the Poorhouse.

  • John 2016-03-26 02:05:05

    I thought for a while that if I do things if she wants like go to church, take her where she wants to go, then she will see I'm a decent guy and not just out there looking for the sexso I have a big decision to make tomorrow about going to church with her on Easter Sunday. the problem is she always has plans and never asks me what I want to do. I don't have much family anyways and I thought it may be okay to do what she wants as far as an Easter egg hunt over her mom's house for the children. lastly she borrowed $40 off of me lately and then told me she gave 20 of it to her brother so he can buy a bag of weed and I did not know she was doing that. yeah I think it's time to end this relationship but I still feel bad for the girls because they don't live with her live with her mom both of them do.

  • Qubit Monk 2016-03-26 02:49:50

    Hi John, don't do it. Don't go to church with her, don't go to her for sex anymore. She is a covert prostitute and does not want to come off clearly as that to you since you seem like a 'decent' guy. I will tell you what: I was in a similar situation with a girl some months ago and that was how I ended up on this forum. I didn't give her the money she wanted to borrow from me and you know the rest (read my post above from months ago) Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, she called to tell me she was in my city, I was excited to hear from her after all this while. I agreed for her to come over to my place and she did. Afterwards we had sex that night and the next morning she started asking for some little change. I agreed and gave her some small money, less than $50. And that was where the problem started. I had out myself into provider frame instead of being as firm as I was months before. She kept coming over to have sex with me in exchange for a movie date, ice cream date etc. Let me add here that these girls always have some sad story to add to their schemes...hers is of being abandoned by her father, abused by her mom's boyfriends and after which she ended up with a teenage pregnancy from her bestfriend who raped her. You see for a normal person like you and I, we tend to rationalise what these sociopath girls tells us and we feel bad for them. But in reality all it is is a scam. Why can't she work like everyone else. She shouldn't be to pretty to be irresponsible. Run away from that girl s far as you can... else I see you pitying her and her girls some more and ending up marrying her just to care for the kids and that will be the end of you sire.

  • John 2016-03-30 03:31:54

    So i finally get the courage to ask this pretty but shy girl who lives at the upper floor of the same aprtment i live in,she plays hard for a few days and when i am about to write her off,the guard at our aprtment rings my door bell and hands me a note,its the girl's phone number! I smile and call the number right away,she asks why i wanted her a number,i explain that i thought we should get to know each other as we were neighbours?,she says its ok,but she has a tight schedule but i can call her whenever i want and i should not expect her to call me as she cant spent her hard earned money calling a guy☺,i offer to buy her airtime and she says ok,we have talked 2 nights in a row for long hours and feel like i already have her,i invited her to my house of which she has turned down,i spend so much airtime talking on phone yet she is just in the same building as i am,and we could talk face to face,2 days ago she asked if i could pay to fix her hair,i smiled and told her,her hair was fine as it was,she said ok and that she would fix it anyways as she was doing it even before we had met,today as we talking on phone,she asked again and this time i asked her how much it would cost and she said $150,i sent it to her right away,and she didnt even call back to say that she had received it and thank me,i already think that was a mistake,but she looks so fine and innocent,never seen a guy at her apartment,she is always alone,gives me the motivation to have a little patience and maybe will get her or the cookie jar soon,Just have to watch out not to give some more cash,never done it as i have never had a problem getting a girl,she is just abit of a challenge that is giving me the kick

  • Qubit Monk 2016-03-30 03:46:26

    John, you're simply putting yourself into provider frame. She will just use you. Women are like mirrors, you see what you put up.

  • J71 2016-03-30 04:42:44

    @John, In my opinion you made a few mistakes with her and she likely now just consider you another orbiter. First off you are buying her airtime right away just to be able to talk to her. This seems like a really needy signal to send. Second you give this girl 150 $ for a hair cut and as far as i can tell, you haven't even been on a real date with her.  Again it seems that you are trying to buy her attention. I don't know if this situation can be saved but you should definitely be ready to cut your losses and move on. Best of luck to you.

  • John 2016-03-30 05:24:50

    @Qubit & J71 Thanks for the reply,i would say i am one of those 'Mr. Nice guy',kinda guy,and would try to help even when am not expecting anything in return,in this case i felt dumb right away after giving the cash yet i really want this girl,so this is what am going to do in the coming few days to see if i can rescue myself from the providers circle.Before she asked me for the cash to fix her hair,she had said she was going to passby my place in the evening(guess thats y i lost my senses),thought she wanted to look extra beautiful for me,So if she comes up with one of those excuses as to why she cant show up,then i would know that i have been played right away,still even if she shows up,there will be no more free airtime,and i will also try the ignore tactic,play disinterested in her,take longer time to answer her texts(if there will be any?,)and just be as busy as she will be,'SHE NEEDS ME,I DONT NEED HER',will be my motto. But if you guyz have a better way of me handling this,i would really appreciate,REALLY WANT THIS GIRL,but then again i would prefer to loose her than to make a fool of myself,will give updates on how it will all turn out,Thanks.

  • Qubit Monk 2016-03-30 05:36:18

    @John. How about you chase other women while you ignore her. Consciously ignoring her and observing her reaction ultimately implies that you are not ignoring her since you waste your time and energy on the mind games. Just extend your search. Abundance mentality will kick in.

  • J71 2016-03-30 07:19:17

    @John, i am far from any expert, so i am not in a position to offer any advice on the best way to proceed. You do seem to have a case of ONEITIS for her, so just be careful she is not abusing you and be ready to move on. But i can absolutely vouch for what Qubit Monk is recommending about chasing other women and abundance mentality. It has personally boosted my confidence tremendously, knowing that there are lots of women out there, who are willing to date me.  

  • Gnick 2016-04-21 21:07:47

    I just want to tell everyone what a big fucking dumbass i am. I gave my girlfriend who was going to school and has cancer 7000 dollars for school and med treatment. She dumped me earlier this year for a fucking 60 year old man. Did i mention im a dumbass

  • guest 2016-04-26 10:25:17

    I once did lose a female friend over this. One time she asked me to pay her overdue electric bill. I paid it, as a gift, because I didn't care about the small amount of money and wanted to help. Second time she missed her flight back from Europe, called me up in desperation. I told her to ask her mom for help. She cut me off after that. I'm ok with it. I didn't want her as more than a friend, and in fact she wasn't adding what I wanted to my life, and so I'm better off focusing on other people. Another time (recently) a woman I knew in another country asked me for a "loan". I said it's not a loan, it's a gift, and the answer is no, because the money should go to my dating life. She's upset. But I don't want to get started supporting her. I don't want to pay rent for her so she can have some boyfriend stay over in the apartment I've paid for. I never slept with her and I felt no obligation to her, so I'm ok with it. Even if she disappears, I still win, because a) I know I don't need her and b) I know I can say no. How many women's romance books have the woman falling passionately in love with some guy after he lends / gifts her money? ABSOLUTELY ZERO EVER IN HISTORY.

  • Uhondo 2016-05-17 01:54:54

    Google brings me back here whenever I find myself in this situation, and it tends to happen a lot! Now I have a new acquaintance on whom I have spent the equivalent of $100. See, I went to her place a couple of months back and realized that she really was short on some basic commodities. You know some of those elementary things everyone should have in their house. So I did offer to come through for her albeit in a small way. I did not expect any sort of reward and saw it as a friend helping out a friend. Couple of months later I get a call (and she rarely calls expect on such occasions) requesting for 3x what I had initially spent on her, with promises to be paid back. This post already spells out the consequences of making such a move. I did not do it and consequently I have begun to notice her pulling away, perhaps in an attempt to have me desperate enough to pay for her attention. I have to say this really seems like a lose-lose situation for men who want to date and be in some sort of long term relationship with any woman. I say this because this kind of behavior tends to be very pervasive in the dating scene. I have talked to friends and heard their numerous experiences to that effect. It just seems like to get any sort of attention from 99% per cent of women a man must dig deep into his coffers and shower her with whatever hard earned cash he has stashed up. And there's barely any reciprocation and gratitude. We have been literally been reduced to cash dispensing ATMs and sperm donors. And I have a very strong suspicion that marriage is not that all different. That's the long and short of it. Perhaps its time we resigned to fate.

  • Blackdragon 2016-05-17 15:24:26

    It just seems like to get any sort of attention from 99% per cent of women a man must dig deep into his coffers and shower her with whatever hard earned cash he has stashed up.
    That's only if your confidence, outcome independence, or game is lacking.

  • Denise 2016-06-10 14:45:08

    Hi Blackdragon, My name in Denise and i thank you for this post. I found myself in a bind and was contimplating asking my guy for help. Your words made so much sense. I knew it would change the dynamics of our relationship if i asked. I found the money on my own and feel better for it without asking anyone for help. This is geat advice for both genders. Thanks, Denise

  • Cricket 2016-06-13 19:52:27

    So, riddle me this... What if a guy has told you on MULTIPLE occasions not to get a loan, "just let me give it to you, I have it in my safe right now." but you don't take it and then you really really need it, but the offer no longer stands. Now, I hear, "You'll be fine. You're strong!". I'm so not!!! I'm struggling to scrape up every dime I can in hopes of making up the $8000 difference between what I have and need to buy a house. I found this while searching to understand why he will no longer help me. I just don't get it!! Why did he offer in the first place? Why does he claim he "really wants to help me"? This is no time for hard love or trying to make me learn a lesson. OR for playing with my emotions like I feel he is doing. One day he wants to be my savior, next day he's helping me by not helping me. Make a decision already! I don't know how much longer our 15 year friendship/ 10 year romantic relationship will last if this keeps up. I'm soooo confused!

  • Blackdragon 2016-06-14 10:34:31

    I just don’t get it!! Why did he offer in the first place?
    He's either highly incongruent and isn't in control of his emotions, or he's manipulating you. My guess is the former, but I don't know him. Either way, he isn't a good long-term partner for you, and if you've been with him for 10 years, I'm sure he's pulled this crap before, and you put up with it. I would dump his ass and move on. (Though I know you won't.)

  • Joan 2016-07-16 11:46:10

    This also applies to women who loan money to men. Don't do it. They never pay back either unless you get a lawyer and docket it from their paycheck. I had to do that.

  • big Daddy cool 2016-08-17 06:52:20

    I learned all that by myself the rough way. No difference between "reponsible" and "irresponsible", indeed, and no difference between "they planned not to pay back since start" or "they had the best intentions". The outcome is invariable. (And sincerely, their good faith and good intentions are the more addening aspect to the whole matter). Nice to hear it didn't happen to me only, still 😀

  • Dave 2016-08-18 15:15:12

    Heard this song recently and it reminds me of this situation.  (Which seems to happen a lot...)  Ludacris - Do Something Strange (Youtube)

  • Kepha 2016-09-02 12:59:18

    Almost started auctioning my stuff then I came across this

  • Johnny Ringo 2016-11-25 00:54:57

    I own a competitive female wrestling company.   The irony here for me, is I have had many ladies that work for me do this.   I was a dupe for a long time.    Finally ended it this year. Last week, I emailed BD for the very first time. One day after that, a new girl comes on to work for us I had been vetting for a few weeks.   An hour before she is to show up (things like this are not at all uncommon for us) she asks me if her Grandma can write me a check. For what?   I ask. Well, she is disabled, lives with me, and the utilities are about to go off tomorrow.   I made all kinds of suggestions.  She was intent on me loaning her the money.  Hadn't even met her in person yet! After about 30 minutes of this, I thought, what the fuck am I doing?   I'm balancing the extreme need to get a new woman going at our company (the flake rate is incredible) vs the fact that I'm "suddenly" the only guy in the world who can pay this bill. So, I said no, I can't help. She ends up showing up later that day.   Had a nice debut.  Paid her $100 on the spot for 2 hours of her time.  And, still has been communicating with me since then.    So, it's obvious the power didn't get shut off. Could tell many stories like this! Point being, when BD says they always find the money............ALWAYS.........you better damn believe it.

  • I should have known better 2016-11-30 16:55:33

    Will tell my tragic story at the end of next month..

  • Domino 2016-12-19 20:12:08

    Its cheaper, safer, and better sex to just pay a whore. Plus they know what to do and you get better service. There no such thing as committed, everyone moves on.

  • Napoleon Burke 2017-01-18 05:46:52

    Thats good........aye.......can you do favorw Hanibal That would depend on what the favor is Sade Monetary favor Hanibal I'm curious so go ahead with your inquiry Sade Money favor Hanibal I know what a monetary favor is. Why am I being asked? Sade I need to borrow money for the next week. For gas and lunch Hanibal You don't have anybody else to ask for living expenses? Sade I asked everyone but you Hanibal I have two kids and neither one of them is named Sade Lawd Sade You dont have to im just asking.... man Type a message...  

  • say it 2017-03-05 23:43:00

    this thing of women wanting money from me is getting out of hand. the last five or so women wanted huge money from me. current one this very minute want cash even though we have never met! the last one a few months ago wanted i pay school fees for son! i gave her quite a bit of of money but on the other hand we really did have mind blowing sex. i thought i will marry her! she disappeared with some of my dvds and such like stuff. are women generally hoes? its beginning to look like it.all these women are curiously reminding me of my mother.

  • Sunshine 2017-08-11 20:15:10

    Well well well... very interesting indeed. I've been dating this guy for a few months now. He offered to buy me expensive gifts and I declined, during one of our conversations a few weeks ago he realised that I'm going through a rough patch financially and offered to help, I declined. You see I like to think of myself as a self sufficient bachelorette and it hurts my pride to have to rely on anyone especially a man. However things have turned out for the worst and i may soon find myself in a very sticky situation if I don't get help from someone soon (I have no parents or siblings). After days of contemplating on how to ask my man for help, I finally got the guts and sent him a text asking for a favor. He replied sweetly that I should go ahead and ask. I asked him if he could lend me $750. PLEASE NOTE: I explained how I was going to pay the money back and when. (I lent acquitances money and they failed to pay back on time leading to my mess... yeah yeah my bad I know). I didn't tell him what I needed the money for and he didn't ask, if he asked then I would give him the real breakdown and not some sob story (I just don't roll like that). He didn't ask and he didn't reply, not a 'yes' or 'no' just silence. It's been 5days now & not a squeak like WTF's that about? I haven't contacted him since but what hurts me the most is that a)it took me a lot of courage for me to even ask and I hate asking anyone for anything. b) I really intend on paying it back. Unless it's a gift which I'll truly appreciate and will most certainly never ask again. This is a one-off & I'm embarrassed as hell! c) I'm not a golddigger and now I feel like one. I read all the posts above and I agree with a lot of things that were said. I won't be mad if he says NO, that won't change the way I feel about him. What's bothering me is the silence. Can all you men on here give me an idea as to why he's silent? It's not doing him any favours at all. In fact after all this silence if he finally gets tired of ignoring me and tells me NO then we're done! I don't like being messed about with, say yes or no what's the big effing deal, do I bite? I'm not asking anyone else because I simply hate asking but if my man won't bail me out when I need him (he can...trust me) then what good is he in my life? I would do the same for him no doubt. I've always been the one lending money to men in my past relationships so maybe this guy doesn't know how legit I am because our relationship is fairly new. Either way if he doesn't help I'm dumping him for keeping me hanging especially after promising to be there for me. WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK?

  • Qubit Monk 2017-08-11 20:21:41

    Good Morning Sunshine, well from what you said about him I can only infer two things: one he didn't mean it when he said you could ask for money or he has forgotten. The former is most likely the case. Remind him again, if he gets mad then he is not man enough to speak his mind and you should rightly dump him. Even for he says No politely, that's a sign that he doesn't keep to his word and like I said earlier. No balls. Get another man. Kudos to you for not being a gold digger in the past, your kind is a rarity these days. Qubit Monk.

  • Sunshine 2017-08-11 20:58:25

    Good morning Qubit Monk, Thank you for your honest & reasonable response... I think you may be right. To be fair he's extremely busy but then again, how long does it take to type a response? Remind him? I can't... I physically can't. I literally felt sick to my stomach when I asked for the first time. It was like stage fright and I felt a weird sensation in my stomach when I sent that message. I won't go through that again, not even for $100 000. My ego is bruised. I will wait it out and if I don't hear from him in another 5days I'll consider myself single & ready to mingle. I shall keep you posted. Thanks

  • max 2017-09-06 14:43:51

    everything in this article is so true and essential that it should be required reading in school well done

  • Sam 2017-11-10 03:03:48

    Tell her you're seeing a girl and you don't think it would be right for you to lend another girl money. She'll see another woman has staked her claim to this particular ATM and either go looking elsewhere for $$ or she'll decide she wants to have you for herself and put out the sexytimes.

  • guest 2017-11-17 12:01:37

    I posted my story on April 26, 2016 at 10:25 am and here I am posting again. The girl who told me to get lost contacted me again saying how much she misses me. No surprise. But I was actually having a better life without her in it so I didn't respond. Just now today a female friend who always chooses the bad boy types and views me as a provider asked me to save her from being evicted. Answer will be no, obviously. I don't care how she views me - she's beautiful but has other flaws and whatever, she made a lot of terrible decisions which I warned her not to make, and now she wants me to clean up the mess I told her she was getting into? F that.

  • Marsupial 2017-12-29 11:06:40

    By the way, if she does ask you, make a mental note of it and don’t forget.  If she asks you for more money again some time later, that means she’s entered a negative pattern of behavior
    That means that she is a person who habitually lives beyond their means, or who feels comfortable when their personal finances are somewhat in the red. There are two scenarios. A person who lives beyond their means will inevitably spiral deeper and deeper into debt. If you hitch your ship to theirs, they will drag you down with them. A person who is always about 50, or 500, or 5000 in debt is perfectly capable of staying ahead of the game, of economizing when the situation tips their alarms. It's just that that amount of debt is where they feel comfortable. They won't drag you under, but any money you bring into the relationship will be quickly spent until they are at their comfort level of debt. If this is more debt than you are comfortable with, then you will live in alarm mode, trying to make economies, and they will live in "hey, we got money to burn" mode.  

  • A 2017-12-29 18:54:14

    A girl I went out with twice, and only made out with (never had sex with) once asked me for money. In fact, after we saw each other, she told me that she didn't want to pursue a romantic relationship.  She still called a couple of times to chat just as friends, which I didn't mind.  She was 28 at the time, I was 38. A few months later, she called and asked to borrow money, because she had moved to a new city (500 miles away).  So she wasn't even in the same metro. I had no doubts about saying no (politely), of course, and never considered it for even a moment.  We didn't even get to amounts, but I bet she wanted a four-digit sum.  It makes me think even the times she called a few months before was just to cultivate the set up. I was quite turned off, even though I managed to be polite in declining.  She never called again, for which I am grateful.      

  • Should've knew better 2018-01-31 23:51:08

    Just loaned a sexy girl $1700 for two months late rent. I had the thought it would lead to romance, or at least sex. She signed a promissory note. A few days later she needed another $200. Told her I wasn't sure. She became very flirtacious, so I drove it too her thinking I would get a reward... Nothing. Now no texts for 2 days. The shit of it is, I knew all along she was playing me. I just banked on the fact I could get my rocks off before taking her to court for the money. Everything was screaming at me not to do it, I knew not to do it, and I did it anyway. Terrence Popp (MGTOW) has a correct idea, in that you have to wait until around ~ 34 for the big head to overpower the little head... I'm 31, dammit. Point being, don't loan money with expectation of sex. Flip the tables and make them give sex first.

  • Anon 2018-02-01 07:05:55

    I think to myself, "See, I flunked. The master gave me a lesson on what to do, and I flunked. I bought her $1.10 worth of sandwiches, and hadn't asked her anything, and now I know I'm gonna get nothing! I have to recover, if only for the pride of my teacher." I stop suddenly and I say to her, "You . . . are worse than a WHORE!" "Whaddya mean?" "You got me to buy these sandwiches, and what am I going to get for it? Nothing!" "Well, you cheapskate!" she says. "If that's the way you feel, I'll pay you back for the sandwiches!" I called her bluff: "Pay me back, then." She was astonished. She reached into her pocketbook, took out the little bit of money that she had and gave it to me. I took my sandwich and coffee and went off. After I was through eating, I went back to the bar to report to the master. I explained everything, and told him I was sorry that I flunked, but I tried to recover. He said very calmly, "It's OK, Dick; it's all right. Since you ended up not buying her anything, she's gonna sleep with you tonight." "What?" "That's right," he said confidently; "she's gonna sleep with you. I know that." "But she isn't even here! She's at her place with the lieu---" "It's all right." Two o'clock comes around, the bar closes, and Ann hasn't appeared. I ask the master and his wife if I can come over to their place again. They say sure. Just as we're coming out of the bar, here comes Ann, running across Route 66 toward me. She puts her arm in mine, and says, "Come on, let's go over to my place."
    From Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman by Richard Feynman, Nobel laureate. Events described take place in late 1940s.

  • Bud Fox 2018-04-02 11:07:46

    Yup.  I did this years ago myself.  Started out with a new tenant that just started a new job and didn't get her paycheck yet.  Spiraled out of control to hundreds of dollars to the point I finally had to tell her no more loans.  She never paid me back in the end and never had any intention of ever paying me back.  Finally threw the tenants out.  Too many other problems to mention, but I will never ever lend money again, ever, especially to a woman.    

  • pablo 2018-04-23 01:17:22

    never give women money if you havent screwed her atleast 50 times lol its that simple

  • paul 0998 2019-07-30 12:06:49

    I have just loaned £4000 to a escort I have been seeing for 18 months on a weekly basis. She needs the cash for her son back in Romania. We have incredible sex and we always go over the booking time,  She truly treats me well. As I do her, The £4000 started with £2000 then £1000 one month later and now £1000 more tommrow, She earns £5000 per month but has rent bills advertising to pay and makes £2000 clear profit so she claims she can pay £300 per month to repay me But thatt is what I give per month on average for my regular visits. I really like her LOVE the SEX and want to help BUT I know I wont get money back If I try free sex ascompromise I THINK our relationship will fizzle out as I am disrespecting her IF I don't help and say no it will end again and she will never treat me the same again IM stuck screwed SHE gives me the best sex ever consistently for 18 months IM CONFUSED          

  • Scott 2019-12-13 16:04:14

    Hey guys ! I just met this girl , that was a gas lighter , psychological control techniques to keep you vulnerable, and turn you into a yes man ! This girl had a Masters degree in Scamming ! She drove a new Lexus   Had a bad ass wardrobe, complete with a closet full of those very expensive hand bags ! But had bean bags for furniture and could barely feed herself! She was constantly trying to clip me for a $7500 loan of can you just give me $800 to service my Lexus because I can’t afford it! She had married 3 morons and cleaned them out ! Beware! I hit it and quit it! My money she did not get it! Lol