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Drama Queen? Or Drama Hater?
-By Caleb Jones
Your level of like, dislike, or tolerance of drama in your life forms many of your opinions regarding life and relationships. For example, I have noticed that some people I debate with who are very pro-monogamy eventually break down and say "Hey, you know what? I actually like drama." If you like regular relationship drama, you're (likely) going to think things like monogamy and living full-time with a spouse/BF/GF are really great ideas, regardless of the arguments you hear to the contrary.
There are several different levels of drama tolerance with people, and since men and women are very different, they utilize a different scale. The percentages I'm about to give are just estimates, based on my experience and research, but I think they're reasonably accurate.
Drama Queens - (10% of men, 20% of women) These people love drama at almost all times. Some of these people will admit this, some will not, but they all are hardcore drama-lovers, even if they complain about the drama they have. They will actively seek to create drama in their relationships, and will usually seek out romantic partners who they know will eventually provide them with tons of drama.
Drama Likers - (35% of men, 65% of women) These people don't love drama, but they do like it, at least occasionally. They usually won't go out of their way to create drama like the drama queens but if they get drama from their lovers, they'll dive right in to the drama ocean and swim around in there for hours, if not days or months. If for some reason time goes by with no drama in their relationship, they will actually start to think something is "wrong" and then will consciously or subconsciously do something to create some drama so they can feel "normal" or "human" again.
Drama Tolerators - (40% of men, 10% of women) These people dislike drama and would rather have nothing to do with it. BUT! Because of either societal programming, mental weakness, oneitis, laziness, or other factors, these people incorrectly assume that some regular, intense drama is a necessary evil and must be put up with. These people are marked by the statement "Well you HAVE to have drama when you're with someone! How can you not have drama?", and then use that to justify themselves as they get screamed at by their spouses/GFs/BFs for the millionth time.
Drama Haters - (15% of men, 5% of women) These people hate drama and will not put up with it, period. If someone they care about gives them drama, they might give that person a few chances, but they'll quickly drop that person and move on to a new one (or in the case of an Alpha male, next that person and resume later). Drama haters come in many forms. Some just stay single forever. Others are hardcore serial monogamists. Still others go poly. Others only date super submissive people they can control. Etc. What binds them in commonality is their complete intolerance of any drama, no matter how much they may love or like a person.
YOU fall into one of the above four categories, and where you fall says a lot about what kind of relationships you like and what kind of people you tend to be attracted to.
For example, no surprise here, I'm an extreme drama hater. If a woman starts bitching at me about what someone said on my Facebook page or why I got home 10 minutes late from work, she has about 20 seconds to calm down or she's instantly soft nexted out of my life for a few days. Then I just go back to work, or go have sex with someone else, or go do something fun by myself, all of which are activities I enjoy.
There are several challenges these four kinds of people create.
Challenge Number One: Like Seeks Like
If you're a drama queen or drama liker, your reticular activating system (a key part of your brain) is going to constantly be seeking out people who also like drama. You find another drama queen/lover, get serious, and holy shit...it's a long, drawn-out drama explosion between the two of you. (And deep down you both love it even though you complain about it constantly.) Of course you know exactly what I'm talking about if even if you're not a drama lover or drama queen yourself, because I'm sure you've seen many couples like this.
Challenge Number Two: Opposites Attract
The reverse is also true!
This is a very interesting one, one I've had to wrestle with before. Let's say you're a very masculine, hardcore drama hater male like me. Guess what types of females you're likely going to be very attracted to? If you've read any David Deida, you already know the answer. You're likely going to be really attracted to very feminine, girly-girl women. The problem is, feminine equals drama, sometimes really stupid, irrational, childish drama. Using me as an example, this often explains why I'm attracted not only to very girly women, but to younger women as well. It also helps explain my no screening policy.
A super-girly, super-hot 22 year-old gal complaining about her purse will actually turn me on in way that a mild drama liker guy or drama tolerator guy will say "Yuck...no thanks! I want someone smarter!", or whatever. I'm oversimplifying this for the sake of example of course. Indeed my fantasy woman is super-girly without ever giving me drama, but like I said, that's a fantasy I don't ever expect to happen in real life. (I'm always aware of my own Guy-Disney tendencies.) The closest I've ever gotten to that are reasonably feminine women who were drama tolerators.
The reverse can also be true. Sometimes big drama lovers get really turned on by very rational, steady people. There are times I'll be out on a first date with a real off-the-wall girly-girl and when she sees how rational, calm, and confident I am, she'll be doing backflips to get with me...and she won't even be able to explain why.
The challenge is these drama lovers then get into relationships with these steady rational types and then complain they aren't emotional enough. In other words, the same exact problem in reverse.
What's the answer to this? The answers are twofold:
1. Don't expect Disney. Don't expect perfection. Realize that even the "perfect person for you" is still going to have a few traits you HATE.
2. Know thyself. It all goes back to knowing exactly what type of drama person you are and what types of people you tend to be attracted to. At that point your awareness will help mitigate these things.
For example, many of my open relationship techniques that ended up working so well were a direct result of me as a drama hater managing relationships while dating super-feminine women I liked who were also hardcore drama likers (or in some cases, queens, though a woman like that will never get beyond the FB level with me).
Challenge Number Three: Drama Averse Men Have Limited Options
You can see by the percentages above that if you hate drama and you're a man, you've got a problem from the get-go. A full 85% of women like drama, at least to some degree. It's part of the female wiring.
Therefore if you're a man who dislikes drama, you have two choices. One, surrender to women's drama and become a drama tolerator (this is what most drama-hating men eventually do) or two, go the Blackdragon route, get creative, and learn how to get what you want without the drama. I'm not saying I have NO drama at all...zero drama is a fantasy. However the female drama I have on a yearly basis is about 3% of what the typical guy has from a traditional mono-GF or wife.
That's saying a lot considering I'm always dating multiple women. 🙂
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Kevin Velasco 2013-11-21 18:17:43
This may help explain some people's addiction to drama: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle
Truth 2015-05-28 06:30:53
Most women are Airheads these days.
Suzanne 2016-03-06 10:20:03
My problem is that I keep meeting men that need and create drama. Where are all the calm, rational men?
Blackdragon 2016-03-06 16:10:34
My problem is that I keep meeting men that need and create drama.That likely means you like that kind of man.
Where are all the calm, rational men?Ask that over at this site and they can help.
Paul 2016-08-02 02:49:37
Can we say drama queen narcissists? I would certainly say.