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You Are The Problem
-By Caleb Jones
A few years ago I was on a first date with a woman, an attractive 40 year-old, who looked like a white Halle Berry. I'll call her Scarlett.
As I always do on my first dates, I asked her about her past relationship(s), and like most women do, she immediately took off on that topic and started telling me allllllllll about it.
When she was in her early 20's, she had a serious long-term boyfriend. At around the five-year mark, she discovered he had been doing what most men do. He was cheating on her. So she did what most women do. She dumped him and went on to the next guy.
This "next guy" she married. At about the five-year mark in the marriage, she found out he was cheating. So she got divorced and went on to the next guy.
This third guy she also married. Of course. Why not? Clearly the problem wasn't with marriage or monogamy or traditional relationships, it was simply because she Hadn't Found The Right Guy Yet™. See, once you find the right partner, everything works out fine forever. Didn't you know that?
So guess what happened? Guess what she found out Mr. Right was doing at about five years into the marriage? He was cheating of course. Big shock, I know. So she got divorced yet again, and now she was sitting across from me looking for her fourth guy to Ride In On A White Horse™ and Sweep Her Off Her Feet™ and Take Care Of Her™. (Oh, and impregnate her too. At age 40 she had not yet had any babies and her biological clock was on overload, dying for some sperm.)
The problem was, she now assumed (you guessed it) that all men were liars and cheaters.
So far, very predictable. In her experience the men and herself as a woman were both acting exactly how men and women have been programmed to act for 100,000 years of biological wiring and about 7,000 years of societal programming. But here's the fascinating thing...
As she went on and on about how all men cheat, all men lie, all men are pigs, yadda yadda, at no point did she ever say anything like:
"I must have some kind of problem, seeing how I keep getting serious with men who cheat on me."
"I wonder what I must be doing in my relationships to drive the men in my life to cheat."
"You know, I've tried serious monogamy three times now, and it's never worked. Perhaps another system would work better. Maybe, just maybe, men really aren't capable of monogamy. Maybe monogamy isn't what I've always been told it was and perhaps I should look at some other options."
Nope. Nothing like this. At no point in her ranting did she ever acknowledge her involvement in the all of the cheating relationships she had that didn't work out. It was all "men's fault". She was completely innocent.
(As you can imagine, I never called her again because of the no-drama policy I have in my life. However did make out with Scarlett and sucked her wonderful tits in the front seat of her car. I would have gone for the first-date lay but neither of us had the time. Considering her age it would have been extremely unlikely anyway. But I digress.)
I don't want to pick on just women of course, so I'll give you the guy-version of this problem.
I have an acquaintance. I'll call him Rory. He's a good looking, reasonably confident guy, successful, and women like him. However he's what I call a Needy Alpha (check the glossary). Every time he gets a new girlfriend he starts doing things like:
- Checks her phone for texts from other men.
- Demands she stops hanging out with her guy friends.
- Demands she removes all pictures from her Facebook that have her and any man in the same shot.
- Reacts with heavy suspicion whenever her phone rings and it's a man who is not a coworker or family member.
- Gets uncomfortable and suspicious whenever any man posts anything on her Facebook page unless the guy is clearly non-threatening (i.e. very ugly, very old, very fat, etc.)
(By the way, Dear Reader. Does any of the above sound familiar to you? Hm?)
So this is the result of any relationship he gets into: after the first three to five months of the relationship and the honeymoon period ends and the NRE dies down, he always encounters massive resistance and drama from his gal. Every time he dates someone she eventually either fights him on his rules or attempts to sneak around them (and usually gets caught).
Therefore, he is constantly complaining that "all" women are sneaky, deceptive, slutty, and deceitful. He is simply baffled as to why women can't just be "loyal", which to him means eternally obedient and complaint to his needy whims.
Of course, whenever he complains about this, which he does often (though he never complains about this directly to me because he knows better), he never even hints that just maybe, just maybe, HE shares the blame for this problem. Nope. He's doing nothing wrong. It's all "fucking women's fault". He's completely innocent.
Try something. Think for a minute and answer this question. Have you had the any recurring problem, described in this blog post or not, in at least two of your past relationships? Really think hard on that.
If the answer is yes, guess what?
YOU are the fucking problem. Not "men", not "women", not that bitch/asshole you used to date, not your ex husband or ex wife.
Stop complaining and bitching, take a time out, and correct YOU. As Randy Gage has said, "In all your past problems, who was always the same person at the scene of the crime?"
Many times in life you need to have the maturity, the courage, and the strength to admit that YOU are the problem. I've had to do this a few times myself over the course of my life and no, it's not fun. But I promise you it does work once you come to grips with it.
Stop blaming and start working on yourself.
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Jeb Bush Sr. 2012-04-19 13:54:42
Haha, you had me at "dying for some sperm."
Bastion 2012-04-19 17:09:53
Hey BD, I've been following you for a while. I wondered if you've come across the story of the online dater who foolishly sent his tracking spreadsheet to a girl he was seeing and had it (of course) spread across the internet virally. His stupidity isn't the interesting part, but the comments show some mainstream views of what he was doing. http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/cyber_cad_dater_input_LGdBZ57ATtIGWwCqffATXM
Blackdragon 2012-04-19 18:06:27
That's pretty awesome. He's way more detailed in his spreadsheets than I am; color coding and all that stuff. Yes, he was dumb for giving one of his gals a copy of the spreadsheet before he had sex with her a few times (some of my gals have seen mine, but only after they've been dating me for months or years and know the deal). The problem I have is his horribly pussified response to being "caught" ("caught" doing what?) and about how distraught and remorseful he is. I had a lot of respect for the dude before he went into pussy-remorse mode. If any of my spreadsheets ever became public and got mainstream media attention (hm...that might be a really good marketing idea...hm), my response to the media would have been something like: "My spreadsheet is a very valuable tool and helps me a lot. Many women use spreadsheets when they date as well, and I think more people should use 21st century technology to the fullest when they date. You will notice there's nothing shocking or offensive in my spreadsheet; it's just there to help be be a better man as I navigate the world of dating. I fully recommend the method I'm using to everyone." Outcome independence. It works.
Ken 2012-04-19 18:14:52
BD, you should jump on that NY Post thread and post a link to one of your (appropriately sanitized) spreadsheets. You might get some bites. Most of the comments were either "why is this news" or were supportive, including from women.
Blackdragon 2012-04-20 16:05:42
Done. Not sure how many people will see it though...it's way down at the bottom of 100's of comments.
Ken 2012-04-20 18:17:54
BTW Happy Birthday and welcome to the 4X club. I'm about to take it to the next level (sigh).
Bastion 2012-04-21 06:01:40
Exactly. It doesn't surprise me he got the creepy label for his beta response to the challenge. His lack of backbone stood out even more because women of all things came to his defence and said that he had done nothing wrong. I strongly suspect that its reasonably common for women to have their own tracking systems for online dating. I remember at least one woman talked in the comments about her own little black book with star ratings either on the above link or on one of the affilates'. Its interesting to compare the fallout of this to the Duke college sex scandal.
Jorgen 2012-04-21 11:27:08
I love how in the opinion piece written called "Real men can close the deal without opening Excel" the female writer thinks a private journal to tally and remember the girls you've kissed is sweet, but using technology to do the exact same thing is creepy. She said she was only one year outside this mans 24-28 dating demo, I already knew, but had to check and yeah, she's 29. I'm also putting my money on single.
Blackdragon 2012-04-21 11:36:22
40's is prime time baby...and don't forget, 50's are the new 40's. Or something.
Ken 2012-04-21 15:02:46
Forties is. Wish I had appreciated that more when I turned 40. Now I just have to adapt that same attitude towards turning 50. BTW Jorgen ... that word "creepy" has become, IMO, the most overused word in the common vernacular. If everything is "creepy", nothing is. I think we need a new word for whatever that one was once intended to convey.
Kevin Velasco 2012-05-13 20:45:30
That's the thing about the dating world and relationships in general... so many people are unaware of their "bad patterns" that are contributing to the failure of their relationships, so they just hop from relationship to relationship repeating the same ol' patterns.
Leila 2018-08-12 15:27:29
Yeah except that you can’t control what other people do, only what you do. A person isn’t responsible for something they have zero control over. Other people’s choices are just that. No one is going to tell you outright that they plan to screw you over. It’s common for people to pretend to be normal and only later reveal their true selves, like the man in your example. “Rory” drove his girlfriends away by acting like a psycho after behaving normal just long enough to garner their affections and get them to agree to be with him- his actions, his fault. The example of the divorced woman is not comparable to this because the woman’s exes, of their own volition, made her a promise of lifelong loyalty they didn’t keep- their actions, their fault. Were your ex wife’s violent outbursts your fault? You can’t make another adult do anything.