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Using The Term “Girlfriend” or “Boyfriend”
-By Caleb Jones
When Women Use The Term "Boyfriend"
In my extensive experience, when a VYW (woman age 23 or under) uses the word "boyfriend", it doesn't mean shit. I mean that literally. It doesn't mean shit. Even if she actually has a boyfriend, even one she loves strongly, if she's attracted to you and you don't screw up, she'll have sex with you anyway, and you won't even have to try very hard.
Just last week a 19 year-old gal I know, living with her boyfriend, her Facebook timeline banner a big picture of her kissing him, sent me a text asking if I wanted to "be her daddy" wink-wink. I mentioned she was living with her boyfriend, whom I know she loves very much. Her answer: "So?" I could tell you scores of real-life stories like this, and so can millions of other men.
I know a lot of dudes hate to hear this, but expecting sexual loyalty from a woman under the age of 24 for more than a few short weeks is extremely silly and naive, regardless of what they promise you or how sweetly or lovingly they promise it. (You can guess what ended up happening.)
It's not just younger women who are the problem. Both men and women age 23 or under throw the word "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" around like a battle axe, a habit they acquire in high school when a young couple starts calling themselves "boyfriend and girlfriend" when they haven't even had sex yet. It usually takes several years, as in around age 24 or so, before people start to snap out of that teenage faux-Disney insanity and start paying much more close attention and care as to when and if they start attaching the boyfriend/girlfriend labels to people they have sex with.
Generally speaking, once a woman hits age 24 or so, the word "boyfriend" actually does start to carry some meaning, and most women will try very hard to remain loyal to their BFs even if said BFs are boring betas or asshole Needy Alphas. This loyally is at absolute, rock-solid levels during NRE, and slowly, ever so slowly starts to decline over time. As I've talked about often before, most women are far more comfortable dumping their BFs then fucking someone else rather than cheating on them.
(It's when women are "locked in" to long-term relationships with men, like when cohabitation, financial dependence, children, or marriage is involved do they really start to cheat. But that's another topic.)
When Men Use The Term "Girlfriend"
The title of "girlfriend" is of supreme importance to women of all ages. Getting that title from a man is almost like being knighted by the Queen of England. More on this in a minute. However most men, even beta males, do not share the same level of reverence for that title. Men care far more about exclusivity and monogamy (on her part at least) more than they do any "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" status.
I'm not saying most men don't find it nice to be able to refer to a woman as their "girlfriend". They do. I'm just saying the term is not nearly as important to them as it is to women. Men are after the sexually exclusive status, women are after the title.
What I'm about to say I've said before. 80% of all relationship problems are caused by the following problem:
Boy meets girl. They go on a few dates, have sex twice (at the most!), and the boy instantly gets oneitis. Boy says to the girl "I think we should be exclusive". Girl says "But I just met you like two weeks ago..." but then catches herself and thinks "Wait a minute! If I agree to this, I can put 'In A Relationship' on my Facebook! I can tell everyone I have a BOYFRIEND! Awesome!" So she quickly corrects herself and says "Okay."
They embrace and celebrate. She's ecstatic she's now someone's "girlfriend". He's ecstatic that other guys won't be fucking her. Just one small problem: they're both wrong.
Two weeks ago they didn't even know each other. Now they're in a "relationship". It's stupid, insane, and ridiculous. It's a recipe for disaster, but that's exactly how most people do this.
They go on to experience a brief wonderful period of NRE followed by an extended period of jealousy, angst, drama, possibly boredom, and likely some cheating. They have an explosive breakup, go through a mourning period, then repeat the entire silly process with someone new.
What people should do is fuck someone for months and months, while fucking other people (using condoms) before even thinking about discussing the concept of exclusivity or boyfriend/girlfriend status. But no one wants to do that. They'd rather jump right into the swimming pool of drama and problems. Somehow this is "easier" to them.
All this chaos because of men's strong desire for women to only fuck them and for women's desire for the title of girlfriend.
Strategic Use of the Word "Girlfriend"
Let's now talk about how to use this word to your advantage.
Let's establish clear terminology first. "Girlfriend" means LTR. Of course, I don't recommend monogamy at all, so I'm against the entire concept of LTR. Does that mean I'm also against the term "girlfriend"?
Well, years ago I used to be. I thought that bestowing the title of girlfriend onto an MLTR or OLTR would cause massive drama and problems. And I suppose it would, to any guy who's frame, EFA, confidence, and/or outcome independence was way off.
A few years back I re-oriented that belief, based on the following experiences.
1. Twice, I was in an MLTR with a woman, one age 34 and one age 28, who strongly desired for me to start calling them their "girlfriend". (I was not dating these two at the same time.) As is always the case, they were well aware the relationship was sexually open and well aware I was fucking other women. We were way past "The Talk" and they clearly knew I was going to continue to have sex with other women, forever. They were cool with that. They just wanted to be called "girlfriend" anyway.
In both cases I refused. I thought using those words would cause serious trouble down the road. In both cases it resulted in almost instant LSNFTEs. As usual, they both eventually came back, though it took many years to do so and they only came back as FBs. The MLTR seriousness and closeness was forever gone.
2. Twice, I was in an MLTR with a woman, one age 18 and one age 22, who suddenly, after several months of dating me, just started calling themselves my "girlfriend". No talk, no asking permission. They just started started doing things calling me their my "boyfriend", introducing me to their friends as their "boyfriend", and even using the "boyfriend" term on their Facebook posts when talking about me. (I never changed my Facebook relationships status, and I never will. That will always be blank and hidden, forever. Changing that thing will cause drama.)
They fully considered themselves my "girlfriend" and acted the part. Just like the above two women, these two knew damn well I was fucking other women and would be forever. Didn't matter.
I cringed every time the G-word or B-word was used, but being the outcome independent guy I am, I let them go with it. I certainly never used that terminology myself, ever. But if they wanted to use that terminology, what did I care?
I half-expected these gals, with their self-appointed "girlfriend" status, to start betaizing me and/or giving me drama. But...it never happened. Things just went along their merry way. I kept my poly frame strong as normal, and we never had any problems beyond the norm.
So I learned to "allow" women to start using the boyfriend/girlfriend terminology. As long as your poly frame is strong and always stays that way forever (which certainly describes me), I don't mind it. It means so much to women (even though it doesn't mean anything, especially not monogamy), that if women really want to start using those terms, I let them. This has allowed me to lengthen many MLTR relationships far past their usual expiration date. Nice. It should go without saying that you would never allow these terms to be used with FBs. Just MLTRs or your OLTR.
Two words of warning you must heed:
1. If you do this, you'd better be GOD DAMN SURE your poly/open frame and behavior is 100% rock-solid. If you agree to the BF/GF terminology and you actually start acting like a "boyfriend", you're in for hardcore drama, betaization, and problems, and you'll deserve it.
2. If you're going to ignore my advice and get monogamous with someone, at least do yourself a favor and wait many, many months of dating and fucking that person before making that transition. I'll say this again: 80% of all relationship problems are caused by people getting exclusive too quickly.
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JC 2012-09-30 12:50:16
Such a coincidence. Last night I got drunk for my 21st birthday and introduced one of my FBs to my other friends as my "Girlfriend". DRAMA ENSUED. If you have time to do another post on politics that would be awesome. I really like reading your opinions on Obama and Romney. This will be my first election voting and I am considering Gary Johnson but I haven't made up my mind 100%.
Blackdragon 2012-10-01 09:01:08
I've got a few more political posts written and/or planned, but I try to post those sparingly so as to not disrupt the main focus of this blog...but they're coming. And vote Gary Johnson. He won't win, but the higher numbers of voters who vote third-party the more likely Washington will get scared and actually change things. Voting Dem or Repub guarantees more of the same.
Wes 2014-02-08 10:46:20
I learn so much from you BD. This article is great, it makes me feel a lot better about relationships and how to handle them.
amol joshi 2018-02-21 01:48:29
This generation relationship status will be always complicated. It is so popular that even facebook made it one of the options to select. Because the perspective of a relationship has changed. Boys meet girls they date they marry and they love happily ever after. Date part has become extremely non- committal. This is why we talk about relationship labels. If your confused about your relationship status. Labeling kind of works like that it bumps you to the next expectation level, and with expectations come disappointments. Labeling-up somebody before you've gotten to know them is a self-fulfilling prophesy—so tread carefully when rushing to call someone "bae."
CTV 2019-01-05 02:32:03
Honestly it sounds like it’s not a safe bet to really say GF/BF unless that girl is your OLTR GF or High End MLTR.. ideally with an understanding of the Poly lifestyle.