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A Dragon In The Bahamas
I’ve been writing this blog post in bits and pieces over the last few days, so if it reads a little disjointed that’s why. A few days ago I was in Miami, now I’m in the Bahamas. Specifically the town of Nassau on New Providence island, where James Bond stayed in Casino Royale. I’m staying at the Atlantis resort, which is sort of like a massive five-star water-activities version of Disneyland.
-By Caleb Jones
The Atlantis resort was his choice after I presented him with some options, then he recruited three of his college buddies to join him.
It’s nice that my son brought his buds. That way while he hangs out with them I can go off and do things on my own, which is the way I usually like it on big trips like this. We do all hang out sometimes. I'll get to that in a minute. We’re all staying at the Royal Tower, which is the largest of the six (I think) Atlantis hotels (this place is huge). It's the one pictured above. My son and I share a room and his three buddies are in another one on a separate floor.
Here are some of the experiences I’ve had as well as some random observations.
1. Let’s get this out of the way first and talk about how I got laid here. I expected the resort here to be chock-full of hot, available chicks. Since I’m staying a week here, that would be more than enough time to run some “vacation-game” and have some fun. Well, I was dead wrong. This resort is full of families and couples. That’s pretty much it. It’s not like Vegas or resorts in Mexico where you've got tons of young single chicks or mid-age women far away from their husbands or boyfriends. Oh no.
There are plenty of hot chicks here but they all have a boyfriend or husband closely attached to them. Most of the younger couples here are newlyweds. You can tell by the women’s just-married NRE twinkle in their eyes. Frankly, the husbands have that just-married twinkle too. Hey, I was married once, and I do admit that getting married does make you very, very happy…for about two years.
So try as I might the first few days, I couldn't find any easily available chicks like I have in other locales. Unless you want to work very hard at getting laid and get very creative, your only options for getting laid here is to venture out into the city and work the Bahamian local gals, which is exactly what I ended up doing.
At one point I was playing blackjack in the casino with a cute 19 year-old from Houston. As I started working my magical powers her father sat down next to us. Shit. He turned out to be a nice guy, but I don’t think he’d like me playing hide the cucumber with his daughter.
So eventually I just forgot about it and relaxed, which, as I sometimes have to remind myself, is the purpose of a vacation. I just finished some very successful online dating blitzes so my sexual calendar will be quite full when I get back home.
However at one point the guys all wanted me to join them at some of the local joints in town. I agreed, and that’s where I met the cute 22 year-old Bahamian girl who I later enjoyed.
2. Before I get into that, let’s talk about Bahamian women. I’m always fascinated by the subtle differences in racial appearance. For example, though the average American doesn't know it, Koreans, Japanese, and Chinese all look very different. The same goes for black women from the Bahamas versus black women from the U.S. Bahamian women have some more African features like much darker skin, bigger mouths and lips, and higher foreheads.
However! They also have more “white” features, in that their eyes and noses have very petite “white” or Asian shapes, far more so than black chicks in the U.S. This all makes for some very exotic, and sometimes very attractive combinations. The chick I fucked wasn't a stunner, but she had those exotic sharp features. She was probably a 4 or 5 if you hate black women, a 7 if you aren't “into” black women, and an 8.5 if you are.
3. Ass. If you’ve been to the Bahamas and seen the women down here, you already know what I’m about to say. Bahamian chicks have the biggest bubble butts on the planet Earth. I mean these things just pop out like you’ve never seen on any black chick in America. It’s god damn beautiful, and I’m having a great time seeing all these monster asses everywhere, especially on the skinny chicks. Oh baby. I love big asses, and these asses just shoot out and punch you in the face. As my black brothas say, God DAYYYYUUUMMM. (When it comes to liking big asses, I’m a black man.)
4. So long story short, as the guys were eating their chicken and conch fritters, I started talking to two younger Bahamian chicks. In moments I'm doing my usual and I’m kinoing the cuter of the two (though not too much, since I don’t know what the customs regarding physical touch are down here). Soon I’m getting positive body language from her and she’s asking me all kinds of questions. I respond by telling her she needs to come back to the resort with me. She says she can’t since she’s going out with friends. I tell her to meet me back here at 8pm tomorrow, and she agrees.
When she leaves my son is very quiet with a wry smile on his face. His three buddies look at me with curiosity.
“I thought you had like, some 20 year old girlfriend or something,” one of them said.
“Actually I have three of those in their twenties, but it’s an open relationship so I can do whatever I want,” I said.
“And you’re, like, 38, right?”
He turns to my son and says, “Your dad is my new hero.”
In the end she did indeed show up at 8pm the following night, although with her ugly friend again. After some wrangling to get her to dump her, finally she did so, and cutie pie and I went back to the resort and it was game on.
This was a momentous event because this marks the first time I’ve had sex with a full black woman. I’ve been with half-white-half-black and half-Asian-half-black, but never full black. As a matter of fact, when I told her that the first night I met her, her beautiful eyes went wide. I think she wanted to be my “first”. So cute.
5. As is usually the case, the plurality of people here are not Americans. I would say Americans make up about 40% of the guests here. The rest are Europeans, particularly Eastern Europeans (again, like with Miami, I’m surprised at how many I’m running into lately as I travel), Indians, and lots of South Americans (hot chicks!). A few Asians but not many, which I suppose makes sense; we are very, very far from Asia.
What’s funny is most of the Americans here are from Texas or Georgia, so we’ve got some serious southern accents down here. It’s because the Bahamas is so close to Texas, whereas on the west coast where I live, people usually go to places like Hawaii, Cabo, and Baja. Mixed with the Bahamian accents it’s funny. You’ll have some mom ask in a thick Texas drawl, “Y’all got pooh-uls here?” and the black Bahamian porter will answer, “Ya mon. We got every TING!”
6. The Atlantis resort is very cool and I like it here, but it’s ripoff central. Like Ocean Drive in Miami, everything here is designed to rip your ass off. The cheapest salad you can find here is about $13. An ice cream bar down by the pools will run you about $6.50, and that’s before they automatically add in an 18% gratuity. Before you ask, no, Atlantis is not an all-inclusive resort. (Now those are awesome).
Since I hate to spend money, I did what I always do on long trips like this. The first day I went into town and found a local grocery store, looking for a gallon of drinking water plus some cottage cheese and yogurt. They had drinking water but not the other two items. No prob. I just bought six or seven cans of chili (at $4.50 a can, again a fucking ripoff from hell but still cheaper than the food at the resort), a big hunk of cheddar cheese, a good knife and a corkscrew opener (which will be used to open the cans). Total cost: $45. But now I’m covered for the entire week, and $45 is the cost of less than three meals at the resort.
I borrowed a spoon from one of the Atlantis restaurants, so once a day I just hammer open one of my cans of chili and eat my lunch. The cheese I keep in the wet bar for a treat at night. Nice and cheap, and I don’t violate my diet unless I go get a hot fudge sundae which I’ve only done twice so far. (Hey, it is a vacation after all. I am going to eat some good food.)
It’s actually pretty funny to be staying at one of the most notoriously expensive resorts in the world while I’m looking out over the ocean and hammering a knife into a can of cold beans to eat lunch.
The first time, my son was watching me and said, “Uh…dad? What the hell are you doing?”
“Saving money. I’d rather have it in the bank than in my mouth.”
Though I looked odd, my son and his buddies followed suit once they saw what I had done. They found a sundries kiosk and all pitched in and purchased a pile of instant cup-a-noodles (at $1.70 a cup, still a rip off, but again…) and have been living off that all week, minus the occasional treat. They looked funny once they cooked the noodles and realized they had no utensils. Four college guys eating noodles with their hands…ah, to be young.
7. I’m getting a shitload of exercise here. It’s fantastic. I play blackjack in the evenings (or watch movies in their free movie theater), but during the day, all day long, I’m swimming in the ocean, or the pools, or going down the bazillion different water slides and hydrotubes here. One day I teamed up with a group of little Mexican kids and we went down the same high-speed intertube slide over and over again. When one of the kids got tired I encouraged him to join us one more time. I was all, “Uno mas, vato! Uno mas! C’mon!!!” He smiled and we went again.
See, I'm really about 8 years old. At least sometimes. A psychologist might say it must be something about growing up poor and not being able to do this stuff when I was a kid. Whatever, water slides kick ass, and I never get tired of doing them. Most adults go down once or twice with their kids, and then sit on their asses all day by the pool, but not me. Me and the Mexican kids got all pissed when they closed them down at 5pm. When they started complaining I told them, “Si little vatos, what a bunch of toro merde.”
8. Lots of very nice yachts here. My desire for a boat is still firing strong, and I’ve gotten a lot of good ideas from the boat owners down here. Unless something unusual happens in my life next year, I think I’m buying a 40 footer some time in 2013, perhaps live in it for six months and see how I like it. Still figuring out the particulars. More on this later.
9. Everywhere here they have pools full of sharks and manta rays. Very cool. (I wonder what would happen if one of the little kids here fell into one of these pools? That’d be a fuckin’ lawsuit.)
10. A word about traveling with children. If you travel with your children, that’s great. But if you’re traveling with your babies, YOU ARE A GOD DAMN MORON. This entire trip, from the hotels, to the planes, to the beaches, to the resorts, I see all these families with screaming babies. Not kids. Babies.
What the fuck people? Why would you completely ruin your expensive trip by bringing your damn baby? Seriously, I see these parents with babies on these kinds of trips and they don’t look happy. They look tired. Well, no shit Sherlock.
Look, I speak from congruence here. When my daughter was a baby, we did not step foot on an airplane with her until she was well into three years old. We either went on airplane trips without her or we went on vacation with her in a car. Gee. There's a thought. I must be a genius.
Why did we do this? Because I like to be happy, and being on vacation with a god damn baby makes you miserable. Moreover it’s double stupid because your baby won’t even remember the trip. So WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT? I mean, I sit on the airplane relaxed, then some damn baby starts SCREAMING. FOREVER. Ugh. And thanks to liberals and political correctness, it's fucking illegal for the airlines to have adult-only flights. (Oh no. Can't have that. We'd be "discriminating" against "parents". Fuck me.)
So look, if you have any kids under the age of three, don’t take them anywhere on a plane. Please do us all a favor, and yourself a favor, and keep them home or go on a road trip instead. Just wait until they're about three. Is that too much to ask? Jesus.
12. Speaking of how chicks look in swimsuits, I have to say something about tattoos. I don’t like or dislike tattoos on chicks. However, when I see these hordes of under-30 women with tattoos, and not little tattoos but huge tats that cover their entire backs, or stomachs, or legs, here’s what I’m thinking. Tats are currently a fad. As a fad, that means that at some point the fad will go away, and tats won’t be cool any more.
So that means that in 20-30 years, you’re going to have an entire generation of middle-age women who are going to have huge tattoos that will not only look terrible (because of what age does to tattoos) but will also be completely out of date, which will make them look even worse than terrible.
I’ll prove what I’m saying with a real-life example. Ever had sex with a woman with a “tramp stamp”? You know, that huge horizontal tat those goes right above their ass? That was really in style…about 10 years ago. Now, it’s completely out of style and it looks like trash, and women who have them are really, really embarrassed.
I’ve fucked two of these tramp-stampers so far, and you should have heard the rapid-fire embarrassed excuses I heard from both of them the first time they took their shirts off explaining that “stupid tramp stamp I got when I was 20”. Over the next two decades or so, multiply this by about a million. It’s going to be brutal. Women are really in for it with these huge tats they're getting. Not that they care. (Women are very present-focused creatures. Damn the future.)
I guess that means it’s time to look at long-term investments into laser-removal clinics…
13. I swam with sharks today. For real. They suit you up in a quasi-scuba setup like this:
Then you just walk around with the sharks. It was fun. I figured that the “sharks” would be those little pussy sharks you see at the zoo. Oh no. You’re in the water with ginormous Caribbean reef sharks, longer than I am tall, and a type of shark known to attack humans. Cool. Why didn’t they eat us? Sharks only eat when hungry (unlike animals like dogs, which eat constantly as long as there is food available), so the resort just over-feeds these sharks so they never get hungry.
It was awesome. The lead shark tried to take me on, so I put him in a headlock and elbowed him in the face. Then I swung him around and used him as a baseball bat to beat the shit out of some of his shark buddies just to show them who's boss. Like beating up a dude the first day you're in prison.
Actually it’s pretty freaky when a shark as big as you swims right up behind you and passes right in front of your face. Twice I tried to touch the sharks but the diver guides got pissed and gave me the no-no sign. When I got out they told me, “Hey mon, you touch dem, dey touch you back, boss. You don’t want dem touchin’ you back mon.”
By the way, when you get a good look at a shark up close, they just look evil as hell. Most people think snakes or bats look evil. Nope, they have nothing on sharks. Those evil yellow Sauron eyes, damn. Talk about an outcome independent animal. Sharks don’t give a fuck. You can just see them thinking, "Look at these dumbasses taking pictures of us. We could tear these pansies to pieces if we wanted to. But eh, I'm tired. I just ate."
14. Lots of married guys here means lots of beta males. The other day as I was playing at the blackjack tables I was talking to a young guy next to me, about 25 years old. Nice guy, having a great time. Suddenly he looks up in horror. I follow his gaze to see his very hot but very angry wife pushing a baby stroller (another one of these stupid families traveling with a baby!). She had this monstrous glare on her face. She screams, and I mean screams at him, across the entire casino, “What the hell are you doing???”
“What?” he screams back, too startled to be embarrassed (yet).
“You need to go get dressed!” she screams, getting more angry, “What the hell are you doing?”
“I am dressed!” he says, pointing at his own shirt.
“You can’t go do dinner like that!” she yells, “I can’t believe this! Stop playing right now and go get dressed! I’m pushing her around and…” Blah, blah, blah, again, she’s screaming this at the top of her lungs across the casino in front of everyone.
His face darkens, he cowers, colors out his chips, and leaves, apologizing to the rest of the table. As he walks away his shoulders were slumped, his face down, the look of defeat and embarrassment clear. Everyone at all the blackjack tables witnessed the altercation.
We have a lot of beta males out there to save. I’m enjoying my trip, but I really can’t wait to get back home and get back to work.
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Socialkenny 2012-12-19 09:45:05
Nice field and lay report. I'm from the Caribbean by birth (and live here now), so I like to see when guys venture down here to get their game on. And good observation with the dynamics on who vacation there. Mostly families and newly weds like you said. It's kinda difficult to seduce them with such poor logistics. As for racial makeup, you're spot on again, I cannot tell the facial different between a Chinese and a Korean. But as a black dude who travels, I can readily see the facial differences between black girls on every continent. Put a black girls from the islands next to a black American, and I can spot who is who right away based on the foreheads, noses, lips and cheeks as you pointed out. Later!
Socialkenny 2012-12-19 09:46:56
BTW, had you downloaded my 1st. and only e-book so far ("How to bang foreign girls"), it would have came in handy. Just saying lol!
Mesh 2012-12-19 10:02:08
Hilarious! Yo crazy mon. I can feel the excitement in your writing too. I'm So jealous. Haha!
Johnny Caustic 2012-12-19 11:43:15
Sweet. You're livin' the life, BD. Try to forget work for a while and enjoy your rest. I'm curious how your son is progressing as a junior Blackdragon. Are you rubbing off on him, work-wise or seduction-wise? Has he read your ebooks? Is he going to be a real man? I love my Dad a lot, he's a man and a good one, but I wish he'd had some Blackdragon-the-seducer in him too. I have a suggestion for a blog post. I'm just starting my Christmas vacation too, and I plan to watch all the movies I've missed over the past two years. I'm a big fan of your man-oriented movie reviews, and I'm planning to review them and make up my rental list for the next few weeks, starting today with Expendables 1 & 2. If you have time to do a 2012 (maybe 2011 too) movie round-up and rank your favorites, I would find that very useful. Thanks, J. Caustic, Blackdragon workshop alumnus
Blackdragon 2012-12-19 12:44:43
I sort have already done that with the movies. However as I'm going through all the James Bond movies anyway, I may do quick reviews of those. Regarding my son, I'll make a blog post about both my kids soon. Gotta get back to the ocean now.
Oxyjinn 2012-12-19 15:04:51
Nice report. p.s. this made my day 😀 "It’s actually pretty funny to be staying at one of the most notoriously expensive resorts in the world while I’m looking out over the ocean and hammering a knife into a can of cold beans to eat lunch."
Austin 2012-12-20 03:39:10
If you are 40 years old and your son has just turned 21, that means you were 19-20 when he was born, right? I'm surprised that an intelligent and cautious man like you would have a kid at such a young age. Of course, according to what you have told us about your son, it was a good decision at the end. Still, most of us are not financially secure around that age. If you were, let me say it is a remarkable achievement.
Socialkenny 2012-12-20 04:52:38
@Austin- What a dig at the guy about having a kid young. I had my first at 28 (I'm now 30 years old). But if I were mature enough at 20, I could foresee that happening (although I was against having kids until a few years ago) Sent from my BlackBerry® device
Austin 2012-12-20 05:23:14
@Socialkenny I'm not talking about maturity (although it is important for this matter) but about economic security. You surely must know that having a baby is an expensive ordeal, and not many people have the money to do it at that age. I am 20 years old, and I don't see myself having children until I'm 28 or so.
Socialkenny 2012-12-20 05:28:27
Ok I get you. Well in these times (post recession) where jobs are scarce, this' the worst time to have kids. I have 2 (3 year old and 1 year old), and I'd been unemployed for 2 years and had gotten laid off during recession when it hit. So I get you on that point. But when the economy is good and cash is flowing, it's more manageable Sent from my BlackBerry® device
Austin 2012-12-20 05:38:32
@Austin Of course you can raise a kid when you have the money. The thing is, when someone is 20 years old they don't usually have it. But I guess we'll have to wait for Blackdragon's word.
Blackdragon 2012-12-20 08:57:31
I didn't have him when I was 20. I had him when I was 25. He was my ex-wife's son from a prior relationship and I adopted him when I married his mom, so we aren't biologically related. Doesn't matter, he's still my son, always will be, and I'm the only man he's ever called "dad". When I was 25 and did all this, yes, I was very financially stable. I made sure I was before I even thought about kids. Like I said, I'll make about post about my kids soon. Gotta catch a plane now. Headed back to Miami.
Alejandro 2012-12-20 23:18:05
It should be interesting knowing that your dad usually fuck girls that are even younger that you xD. (Actually my own dad does the same and he is 60.... but he does in a more going after obvious golddiggers way)
Joe 2014-05-07 12:35:57
"As my black brothas say, God DAYYYYUUUMMM. (When it comes to liking big asses, I’m a black man.)" If this is true, you might like this blog: tnabahamas.blogspot.com
A Love Letter to Conservatives - The Blackdragon Blog 2015-04-09 05:00:15
[…] one day, something very odd happens. You’re sitting out on a beautiful beach somewhere in the Bahamas. You see West, swimming out in the ocean. “Swimming” may not be the word, since West […]
Ron Gordon 2015-06-15 20:33:18
Well all I can say is a week of chili beans I am surprised any lady came close to you. Th e incongruence is kind of shocking. If you are that thrifty why go to an expensive resort.
Blackdragon 2015-06-15 21:09:24
Th e incongruence is kind of shocking. If you are that thrifty why go to an expensive resort.Because I love fancy resorts, fancy hotels. I just don't want to spend another several hundred dollars on $20 salads.
Batou Kovacs 2018-11-15 11:58:44
Great post BD! Panama is amazing. Glad you had a great time!