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This post is dedicated to all of you negative, angry guys out here. Get ready to be pissed off. I get surprisingly little hate mail. Seriously. When I started this blog years ago, I thought some asshole on the internet blatantly saying things like monogamy is stupid or older men having sex with much younger women is awesome while openly displaying that I sell information about dating and relationships in order to make money (gasp!), I really expected to get piles and piles of hate mail, mostly from women.
-By Caleb Jones
Regardless, occasionally I'll get not "hate mail", but "angry mail", from guys who say things like this:
Yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say. You're white. I'm Indian (or Asian or whatever), and women don't like Indians. I was raised in a sexually oppressive culture and you weren't. White girls hate Indian guys. Of course YOU can get white girls. You're white like them. It's easy for you.
Yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say. I was bullied in school and fed a bunch of crappy medication throughout my childhood. You didn't have that problem, so you can't relate to that.
Yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say. You're 40. I'm only and haven't built up my confidence yet like you have. Of course when I'm 40 like you then it will be easy to lay girls. But right now I just can't do what you do. I'm too young.
or I'll get the exact opposite...
Yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say. You're only 40. It's easy for YOU to fuck all these younger women, but I'm way older than you. I'm . There's no way in hell I can do it like you can. I'd like to see you try all your younger woman stuff when you're my age.
Yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say. You're normal height. I'm only 5'5". Women don't like short guys. You're normal height so it's easier for you to get laid.
Yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say. I'm addicted to drugs. You've never been addicted to drugs. What about all your alpha male crap now? You have no idea what it's like to be a drug addict (or alcoholic) like me.
Yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say. You're a successful businessman. If I had all your income I could lay chicks too. But I'm poor. I've been unemployed for almost two years. Poor guys like me don't get laid. Everyone knows that.
As you read the above comments you may be smiling at how amusing they are, since you may know, as I do, many guys who are Indian / Asian / young / old / short / bad childhood / drug addicts / alcoholics / unemployed / low-income men who get laid left and right with no problem. But seriously, these are actual things guys will occasionally say to me.
This doesn't happen to just me. Other dating gurus and manosphere bloggers have told me they get similar emails. Other guys have gotten crap like "Easy for you to say, you're really good looking...." or "Easy for you to say, you have really big muscles..." or "Easy for you to say, you know how to dance...." or "Easy for you to say, you weren't molested as a child..." or "Easy for you to say, you're really extroverted..." and on and on and on.
Excuses make some of you so comfortable, don't they?
I can only talk about me here, so let's start at the beginning here and tell you about how flawed I am. What these complainers don't know, or know but don't want to bring up, is:
- I was raised by my mother, a former catholic nun, who reinforced all kids of negative sexual concepts within me throughout my childhood. At one point she told me the meaning of the word "fuck" meant "people making fun of love". When I relayed that to my childhood friends I was bullied and ridiculed. Pretty funny now, but it wasn't funny then, I assure you.
- I was bullied in school as a child, so badly that at one point in fifth grade I actually peed my pants in the middle of class rather than go to the bathroom, because I thought the bullies might be out in the hallway waiting to get me.
- I was terrified of girls throughout much of my adolescence (thanks again to my oppressive religious upbringing, though my introverted personality was also a strong factor). I spent the first dance I went to in 8th grade hiding outside the school in the bushes, literally shaking in fear, waiting for the dance to be over so I could go home and crawl into bed and hide.
- I lost my virginity very late, at age 22 or 23 (I don't remember which, and don't care to go back and figure it out). It was an unpleasant experience. I couldn't even get it up.
- I was a certified beta for most of my twenties. I was never an absolute, off-the-chart beta, that's true. Even as a young guy I was reasonably confident. But I got tooled by women over and over again, in many embarrassing ways, like a dumb needy AFC. (I describe one of these stories in detail in one of my podcasts.)
- I started my adult life alone and poor, with no money, no people skills, no education, and very little work experience. I've talked before in my podcasts about how I used to sweat bullets every time the cashier at the supermarket swiped my $300 limit credit card so I could buy my seven dollars worth of food so I could actually eat dinner that night.
Even after my business was started life was no picnic. I have been on the verge of bankruptcy twice. (I talk more about these things in the Alpha Male book; writing those chapters and reliving those memories was not fun.)
- After my divorce, re-entering the dating world after being out of it for almost ten years, I did just about everything wrong. I went out on first dates dressed like a nerd. I said all the wrong things. Women ridiculed me, laughed at me, insulted me, and even yelled at me. Women tricked me into spending money on them and driving long distances for no reason. They wasted my time, pissed me off, and embarrassed me. The first time I had sex after my divorce and for a few weeks thereafter, I once again couldn't even get it up. (I tell the entire story in my ebook on open marriages.)
- As most regular readers know, I was a good 50 pounds overweight during most of the last several years during my big successes with women. Barefoot, I'm a hair over 5'11", and according to the BMI tables a man that height should weigh 183 pounds at the most, and I was around 250 for most of the last several years.
- Not only was I very chubby, most of my hair was thinning so badly my scalp was clearly visible on the top of my head (until I addressed it a year ago). You can see pictures of how bald I was right here.
I realize it's much easier to see someone successful in some area of life and immediately assume that person is some kind of lucky jerk who was blessed with all kinds of advantages and benefits while you're some poor innocent victim cursed with all kinds of disadvantages that you have zero control over.
Yeah. I know that's easier. Problem is, it's inaccurate. You're living in a delusion.
Now if you like living in a delusion, if you like being angry at the world (and I know there are a lot of you out there like this!), then I guess go ahead and be that way. You don't need to read the rest of this article. Have fun with your angry life.
If on the other hand you want to improve your life and actually have more happiness, even if that means you need to put in some uncomfortable work for a while that you'll hate, then read on. Most of us, not all of us, but most of us have HUGE disadvantages to who we are as men, and sometimes these disadvantages are not even our fault (though often they are). Some of us are too short, or too fat, or not white, or too young, or too old, or too bald, or too ugly, or too poor, or don't have a job, or have horrible teeth, or too depressed, or have drug or alcohol issues, or have self esteem issues, or are virgins, or had horrible parents, or were raised without a father, or whatever.
I'm sure there are some perfect guys out there, but I'm not one of them and likely neither are you. That means you and I have have two choices.
Option one is to whine like a baby, take your disadvantages and wrap them around you like a little blanky, and blame the whole world for your problems, while getting upset at other men who actually decided to put in the hard work, and yes it's hard work, to overcome their problems. You can choose to go on living in a perpetual state of resentment and anger, convinced you have zero control over your life and that other men out there were "blessed" unfairly with all these gifts from God that you'll never get.
Living in self-delusion like this is an easy option. No actual work required (other than being mad a lot). But it will make you miserable. For the rest of your life. Option two is very different. In this option, you say, "Having this disadvantage really, really sucks, and it's not fair. But! If that means I have to work 20%, 50%, or 100% harder than other guys to get the same results, I guess I'd better get to work. Because I want the results those guys are getting."
This option is much more work. I'm serious. Sometimes it's hard work. But eventually it will make you very, very happy. For the rest of your life. I chose option two. I always have. I grew up in a financially strapped family and I fucking hated it. I left home at an early age with no money and lived poor and I fucking hated it. So I busted my ass for many years so I wouldn't have to be poor any more. It was hard work. For many years. But soon, I wasn't poor any more. Then I was happy. I've been happy ever since. The hard work was worth it.
Years later, I found myself divorced, awkward with women, and without sex, and I fucking hated it. So I busted my ass for several years learning and experimenting with what worked and what didn't, and eventually got good. Really good. I got to the point where I can have sex from hot chicks whenever I wanted, even if they're 15 or 20 years younger than me. In both cases it was hard to do, but I'm very glad I did it. I'm one of the most consistently happy men I know today because of it. If I hadn't done it, I would still be poor and sexless and making all kinds of excuses about how high-income guys or pickup artist gurus are all lazy lucky assholes and I'm an innocent victim who is permanently stuck in my circumstances.
You can also choose option two. It's not easy. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes you'll do things wrong. Sometimes you'll be frustrated. Sometimes you'll be embarrassed. But in the end, IF YOU STICK WITH IT THROUGH THE FAILURES, you will overcome your disadvantages, whatever they are. Now let's tackle the next excuse these guys often have:
"Hey man, fuck you. I did try to fix it, okay?. I tried this and this and this. Nothing worked." I'm glad you brought that up, because that excuse is exactly part of your problem. The "stick with it through the failures" part I bolded above is a key ingredient you can't ignore. I'll give you two examples.
I know a woman who is a very sweet and pretty girl in her early 20's. She has a thyroid problem. It's not the usual "I have a thyroid problem" excuse that many fat people give. She really does have a real thyroid problem, and she gets fatter and fatter every year even though she only eats small amounts of healthy food.
I care about this person, and when I explained to her how important it is for a woman's happiness to not be fat, and how she owed it to herself to address her thyroid problem even though she failed the first few times, she gave me a bunch of excuses. "I have tried a bunch of things! The doctors have tried a bunch of different medications and none of them worked." I believe her. The problem is, all of these things she tried were a long time ago. She's tried nothing since. She tried some things, then gave up.
I told her that she needed to master this phrase: "OK doc, that didn't work. NOW what do we try?" You may have to say that 47 times. It might take you five years or even longer before you find something that finally works. Isn't that better than saying "Well, I tried a few things and they didn't worked so I guess I'm fucked!!!"?
I know a guy, who is a good guy, who has a low testosterone problem. As a result his dick can't get hard. As you might imagine, this affects his self confidence in many different areas of life, especially with women, and causes most of the women he meets to dump him fast when they realize he can't get hard. He's in his early thirties and still has this problem. Why? Because just like the woman above, he submitted to the "I tried a few things and they didn't work" excuse.
Success does not come by trying a few things that don't work and then throwing your arms up in the air about how unfair life is. You have to try and fail, and try and fail, and try and fail, sometimes for YEARS. Yeah, it's a pain in the ass. But once you get there, and you've overcome your disadvantage, I promise you'll be so happy all that work you did "way back then" won't even bother you. Excuses or happiness. You can only choose one. Choose wisely.
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Maldek 2013-03-10 07:34:03
Great posting! You have my deepest respect. PS: The woman with the thyroid problem. She may have an acid/toxin problem she need to get rid of first (sweating, special bathings etc. TCM (chinese medicine) are very good in this), before the proper medication can be applied with good results. Look that up in the internet. Find a specialist. Problem can be fixed. If you really care for her, you may have to shove an almost-ready solution up her backside one way or the other. Good luck in any case.
Tom 2013-03-10 12:11:08
While I agree with your general point, I think there is a part you left out. Isn't there something that must happen that gives you a kick in the ass to jump-start the change? For example, in your marriage, you had to reach a certain threshold of sorts that put you in a situation where you couldn't take it any longer and had to separate. It's not merely: "I decided I wanted to divorce my wife and did." Rather, it's: "I reached a point that forced me to divorce my wife and then went through with it." Same goes for everything. You have to come to a certain threshold that forces you to make the change. I don't think this threshold can be reached purposely, however. I think it just happens, and when it happens, then that's when you're able to make the necessary changes. There's also something to be said for this part: "But in the end, IF YOU STICK WITH IT THROUGH THE FAILURES, you will overcome your disadvantages, whatever they are." There is some threshold at play here as well. A person can only take so much before it becomes almost idiotic to keep trying, at least in the short-term. And at this point, instead of making the excuses you listed, I think it's acceptable to just say, "It wasn't meant to be." If you don't get the job or don't get the girl, you can re-apply and try to attract her in a different way, but there comes a time when you just have to give it up -- in the short-term -- and move on to your second choice. So I guess this would be viewed as a failure, but it's also an opportunity to do/screw something/someone else.
lifeofalovergirl 2013-03-10 13:39:04
I think what you have to say and your point is generally true and of course it's great that you overcame obstacles like that and I'm sure it wasn't easy. I think sometimes people are too quick to dismiss the fact that some hurdles simply are higher to jump over than others. Not impossible, but more of a challenge. Indian guys? Heck yeah they are gonna have a harder time getting women in the US. Middle Eastern men in general are villified here. Heck, I like to think of myself as not being a racist, but if I tell the truth I'm even a bit leery of guys with Middle Eastern heritage myself, even though some are really good looking. It's the stereotypes of the way they treat women over there in "those" countries. Hell, I used to get babysat by an Iranian muslim family when I was a kid and even knowing the dad (who was a nice family man, if a bit old school and strict), I still have some of those stereotypes in my head. So the guys with Middle Eastern heritage DO need to approach things DIFFERENTLY. It doesn't mean they can't get women, and I know Indian guys who seem to be doing great, but it does mean they need a bit of a different approach than the average white guy. They have to offer more comfort and try to show that they aren't a chauvenist pig, vs the white guys that have to compensate for their beta image. Its like that with some of these guys questions I think. What they really want to know is how to compensate for their "handicaps" in the dating world. I agree that whining is unproductive but it doesn't hurt to recognize your limitations and find ways to get around them. We wouldn't tell someone who couldn't walk that they are being a pussy for using a wheelchair because that is instrumental in making their life better. Now if they go around crying that because they are in a wheelchair they can't do anything with their life we have to point out the folks who had that same issue but overcame it, much like the issues you yourself were able to get past. Anything IS possible but it's not always possible in the SAME WAY as someone who doesn't have the same handicap.
Matt T. 2013-03-10 17:39:50
This is an awesome post. Thank you for reminding me and everyone else that we can overcome any shortcomings we have.
Infantry 2013-03-10 21:48:43
Inspirational post and without the ad hominems usually found in the 'advice' I used to read on the old fast seduction site years ago. Many of those guys seemed to take pleasure in hurting those who hadn't come along as far as themselves. Yours is just laying it out straight without provoking drama, but I digress. With regards to the motivation to keep pushing through failure after failure, do you think it was just hating where you were that kept you going, or was it more an attitude of 'I don't care what other people think because they don't have my best interests at heart' that was developed as you got older? The first would be an increase in desire for the end goal, while the second would make the obstacles to reach that goal seem smaller (as you wouldn't be worried about how people perceived you, which is something that I admit holds me back sometimes).
Anon 2013-03-11 07:52:09
Excellent post I have only recently(a year) stopped making excuses and started getting shit done and it feels great. The problem I think most people have is terrible self-discipline. They cannot stick with the habits that are necessary to make the change. BTW When are you releasing your book?
Blackdragon 2013-03-11 13:21:22
Isn’t there something that must happen that gives you a kick in the ass to jump-start the change?Yes. Extreme unhappiness. The guys who email me these kinds of excuses are clearly very unhappy. I guess they aren't unhappy "enough"(?). I guess I have a lower tolerance for pain than some other people. I hate being unhappy. Apparently many others out there don't mind it much. Lovergirl -
Anything IS possible but it’s not always possible in the SAME WAY as someone who doesn’t have the same handicap.Yes, but that's semantics. The point is they have the ability to improve their condition whether they choose to or not. Infantry -
With regards to the motivation to keep pushing through failure after failure, do you think it was just hating where you were that kept you going, or was it more an attitude of ‘I don’t care what other people think because they don’t have my best interests at heart’ that was developed as you got older?It was both, plus a a third item which was (and still is) a deep desire to have the exact kind of life I want. Freedom, money, and sex have always been big motivators for me. Anon -
When are you releasing your book?I'm not really allowed to talk about it yet. What I can say is A) the release date is not really up to me, B) it will be a while, C) it is the single biggest project of my life at the moment. As soon as I get more specifics that I'm allowed to share I promise I will be plastering it all over this blog, believe me. 🙂
Anon 2013-03-12 10:53:08
Great post. I would add something, though. Many self help books stress making an effort to sole a problem. But it's not just making an effort. It's seeking help and guidance. A psychologist our therapist to correct emotional issues and behavioral blocks. A doctor or alternative health practitioner to fix medical issues. A personal trainer to get the most efficient exercise to look good. A stylist for a good haircut. Personal shopper for a wardrobe. Dance classes to learn dancing. Martial arts training for self defense. Financial information for money issues, etc. Without a map and route one can be running very fast but in the wrong direction.
Shanghai Bobby 2015-11-10 18:27:43
Heya BD, Awesome post, I agree with your post almost word for word. Can't remember who said that good quote "you are exactly where you want to be". On a side note though, what are your thoughts on trying hard, but also working smart? By that I mean working to your strengths. For example, I too am Asian and I have no problem getting white girls doing daygame. Online game for me is abysmal. I got some professional grade photos taken today - will keep you posted regarding this, but my gut feel is that the playing field levels when daygaming. Non white/black raced people play at a huge advantage doing e-game. I live in New Zealand, our local girls in my opinion (and the opinions of many of my friends who are born and bred Kiwi guys), suck. I notice that no matter how hard I work or try, 95% of the time, it just won't work for a Kiwi girl. About 60%+ of the time, it works for foreign girls who are actually at least 2 - 6 x hotter (from any culture except French, who are much like Kiwi girls), much friendlier, much smarter and etc... I can't seem to rationalize why I'd even bother to go for any Kiwi girl ever again ... In your opinion, am I being lazy or in this case, working smart is the right thing to do (because time is valuable)? Cheers, SB
Marian 2017-03-04 17:31:28
Yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say. You have a very big and thick dick while mine is only 2,3 inches fully erect!!!! haha just joking, I have to work like a motherfucker to fix my life (money, women, social)... but there is no other way! Back to the grind!