Why People Cheat

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Why People Cheat

There's a web site out there called Victoria Milan which, like Ashley Madison, is a dating site for married people who want to cheat. They recently did a survey of 4000 of their members, and the results were interesting. You can read more about the survey here and here, but I will summarize the key points below.

-By Caleb Jones

We get into the minutia, I will repeat the core, underlying reason why people cheat in long-term monogamous relationships. It's because human beings, men and women both, were never designed for long-term monogamy past about three years. Deep down in the bowels of their subconscious, people really don't want long-term monogamy, and if you study history it's clear they've never wanted it. Short-term monogamy, yes. But 10+ years of only having sex with the same person, no.

Oh, they want to want it, they sometimes bullshit themselves into thinking they want it, they feel it's the right thing to do, but in the end, people under the age of 60 really don't want it. Not deep down.

That being said, cheating is bad. Cheating is lying, and you cannot live a happy life if lying is a requirement of it. Cheating is also drama, and drama destroys happiness. I am 100% against cheating, and constantly advise men against it. I have never cheated on any woman in my entire life, and I never will.

That's because I'm not dumb enough or dishonest enough to promise anyone monogamy in the first place. I will always be getting something on the side, and every woman knows this, and they are welcome to leave me if they don't like it (and go get a man who will cheat on them). It's a very nice system I strongly recommend.

But hey, you've heard me say these things many times before and we don't need to get into all that again. This survey shows some more detail about the surface-level reasons why people cheat, and who they tend to cheat with. Here are the findings:

1. Only 30 percent of cheating men are cheating with women younger than their partners.

How often do men who date younger women get the vitriol from older women?

"All you want is some young dumb hottie! All you care about is LOOKS!!! Shallow asshole!"

Wrongo. Men date, and have sex with, women who are nice, not necessarily women who are hot. Unmarried men who date younger women date them because they avoid the anger, bitchiness, and jaded aspects of women over 33. Married men who cheat are clearly going after women who are simply nicer than their bitchy, bored, sexually frigid, post-three-year-mark wives.

In both cases, looks is not a primary factor. It's one of those simple-but-hard-to-admit realities of modern life that men simply want to be with women who are nice to them. This survey shows 70% of men who cheat are having sex with women as old or order than their wives(!). This means cheating men are looking for something far beyond just a pretty face.

I don't want to oversimplify this; of course there are other factors at play as well. Most married men are beta males, and don't have the confidence or ability to go after hotties much younger than them. Also, married men typically hang around people in their own age group, which means these women are more accessible. But still, even with these factors...70%...c'mon...that says something about the type of woman a man wants.

2. Only 26 percent of cheating men said their mistresses are more interesting than their partners.

So not only is it not about looks, it's also not about intelligence or depth. Again, it's about men seeking women who are nice to them and show interest in them. And of course, women who will fuck them, since the vast majority of men who have been married longer than three years aren't getting sex with the frequency their biology demands.

3. Only 25 percent of cheating men said their mistresses are in better physical shape than their partners.

Yet again, not about looks. Remember how shocked people were when Hugh Grant cheated on his super hot, perfect 10 wife (Elizabeth Hurley) with a fat, ugly prostitute? Or when Arnold knocked up his butt-ugly nanny while he was married to his hot, fit, intelligent, classy Kennedy wife?

I've seen this exact same scenario play out over and over again with people I personally know, and you probably have too...men cheating on their wives or girlfriends with women who were fatter and/or uglier. When these men get caught (and men always eventually get caught when they cheat...men suck at keeping sexual secrets), their pretty wives and girlfriends are bewildered as to why. The fact that they give their husbands a bunch of excuses whenever they want to have sex completely escapes them as one of the possible reasons. More of the same. When men cheat, it's not about looks.
4. Over 60 percent of cheating women said their side-men are better looking than their partners, and 50 percent said their side-men were in better shape. 

Whoa! So now we switch over to cheating women, and everything reverses! Women are indeed going after men who are better looking then their husbands. But wait a minute! I thought men were the shallow horndogs and women were all into romance and depth and seeing past a person's looks and stuff?

Hmmm. It's no secret I have had sex with a few married women in my day. Not many, and I don't make a habit out of it (because married women are drama and I don't do drama), but I have to admit there's been a small handful over the years. I thought back to these women as I read these survey results. Indeed, in all the cases except for one, I was clearly better looking and in better shape than the husband. Even in the one case where I wasn't, she was already separated from her husband.

So my limited personal experience does indeed match the survey. When a woman cheats, she wants a dude who looks better than the boring schlub she married. Very unlike her husband when he cheats.

5. 89.6 percent of cheating women indicated that the man they're cheating with makes them feel more appreciated than their partner. This should be no surprise. It's not just about looks of course. I have said many times that the greatest thing a woman wants from a man is attention. More than love, more than security, more than sex, the woman in your life wants your attention.

If, in a long boring monogamous relationship, a man drops off his attention, she'll either divorce him or she'll cheat on him with a better looking guy to get that attention she craves. (That's not the only reason women divorce men. The biggest reason is they get bored with them, even if they provide the necessary attention, but we've discussed that one already. I'm just saying not giving her attention makes an already bad situation even worse.)

Again, I went back to my own experience. In all cases except for one, the married women I've been with clearly said, repeatedly, that their husbands did not appreciate them any more. They never told them they were "hot" or "pretty". They didn't feel like their husbands were sexually attracted to them, even when these women were very pretty. There was one exception to the rule; one woman did have a husband who told her she was hot and did seem to appreciate her at least somewhat...she only slept with me once while all the rest slept with me multiple times. Coincidence? I'll let you decide.

Here's a quick video on this survey made by my favorite YouTube channel, the Young Turks. I agree pretty much with every point made by both commentators. Watch carefully and note the predictable difference in reactions from the young, pretty, never-married woman vs. the middle-aged, chubby, married man.

The point they made in the middle of the video is key. Human beings need, not want, but need, newness. This is something virtually impossible to maintain longer than a few years in a 100% monogamous relationship, no matter how amazing you or your partner is.

One last thing, gentlemen. Over the last two decades the rate of women cheating has grown by 40 percent, while the rate at which men cheat has remained constant. It's all right here if you don't believe me. As I've said before, not only does long-term monogamy not work now, it will also become increasingly less workable as time goes on. Ten years down the road, there will be even more women cheating than now...it's going to get worse and worse until mainstream society snaps out of their Disney fantasy and starts admitting some basic realities about how human beings work.

Noodle all that next time you're tempted to chuck it all and get "forever" monogamous with some girl who is Not Like The Rest™. Since just about everyone reading this has either cheated, been cheated on, or has slept with a "taken" person, tell me in the comments if your personal experiences matches, or does not match, the results of this survey. I'm very curious.

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This article was originally published on October 13, 2013


  • maldek 2013-10-13 07:13:51

    Feedback and a question of preference for BD: 1) From oberservation (friends) this is true. For me personaly it is not, even though I do not cheat. Same reason BD explained in detail and he is dead right; never promise monogamy. 2) Yes, would be true for me. Hot and horny beats smart and funny when it comes to FB. 3) Ähm well. My beta friends are also the ones who fuck the most ugly and/or overweight women. Might be lack of options. Betas are many in numbers, so 75% - 80% does not sound unreasonable to me. 4) Now we are talking. Yes I am 100% certain this is accurate. 5) Yes again, my personal experience says the same. It even happened to me once on the receiving side when I got cheated on once for the exact reason of withdrawn attention. On the other hand women often compliment that I notice things, others (read: (ex)boyfriend) dont. Now a question; what would you choose: A)A 9 body/face woman (not taking breast into account) with an A-Cup or B)The 7 body/face woman with a nice and firm C-Cup (for me firm C is the perfect cup, if you need D to really enjoy a breast please substitute -> the idea is almost perfect tits; you get the point)

  • bhodi1555 2013-10-13 07:58:45

    Excellent post!! You are absolutely right..I've been in a ltr for a long time (that's what we are socially programed for) The affairs I've been involved with were because the girls were nice, sweet, extremely feminine and the sex was great

  • Raven 2013-10-13 08:41:12

    Honest post, and quite depressing if you really think about it. You give valid reasons as to why people cheat, but I'm not sure the surface reasons are even necessary. The bottom line is that each person is a need machines (and, quite frankly, as I've said before here, a need that doesn't need to exist considering we serve no purpose in the universe). At the moment of conception, until death, a person is constantly in need (i.e. there is a deprivation that needs to be satisfied). So with regard to sexual relationships, the deprivation is ceaselessly churning and must constantly be satisfied. When it's not adequately satisfied, people cheat. And this extends to all parts of life. People steal/lie/bully/etc. because their desires are not adequately satisfied. If only people considered this before having children: no, you're not creating a "bundle of joy." You're creating a need machine so your own need machine can satisfy a deprivation. Plain and simple.

  • Bastardly 2013-10-13 09:07:40

    Well written as usual. Though I can't agree with the numbers put up by the linked to video saying 14% of women cheat while men are higher with 21%. I've seen to much evidence of the opposite. Those numbers come from surveys and come on women are more likely to lie about cheating (even if it is just a survey) for fear of shaming, being found out etc, hell women are just better at being descreet why: would they stop for a survey? There's a stereo type of men cheating more, why; because it's how things where decades ago, because men like to brag when they do cheat, because women know to shut the hell up about it or be judged/found out. BUT those young 16-25 year old guys who can't stop bragging about all the tail they get, after college they usually get into a 'normal' relationship and their libido drops while women get hornier and hornier. I can't count how many women I've been with that later admitted they have a boyfriend or husband at home. Like these blogs have said something around 82-87% of divorces are initiated by women (with a divorce rate between 50-65% depending on your source; add those numbers up and tell me if it comes out to '14%'). Most of those women have a rebound guy lined up by the time they leave their husband/boyfriend and if you think they haven't already slept with that guy ('cheating') I've got a name tag for you. So yeah, can't see the cheating rate for women only being 14%.

  • lifeofalovergirl 2013-10-13 09:12:11

    Hmmm...who was better looking, my ex husband or the guy I had the affair with? Not really sure as they were both good looking, just completely different. My ex had let some things go a bit at the time though that were a turn off to me. Still the cheating was definitely more for the attention than anything. I was sex and attention starved so so yeah it makes sense I eventually sought it elsewhere. I've been shocked that the men who have cheated on me or chosen another woman almost without fail have picked someone less attractive in some way. The latest guy I've been seeing, the Producer, we were seeing each other openly but I thought he really liked me. I had never given him a drop of drama, always had sex with him when we went out other than once when I was on my period but I still gave him a blowjob even though he didn't ask for it. He said he loved spending time with me and that I was great in bed and gave the best blowjobs of his entire life. Then BAM! Hes suddenly madly in love with some other woman!! I have a better figure than her and she looks older even though we are the same age. She has wrinkles, I dont. She has a flatter butt and smaller boobs and a bigger stomach. I was always nice to him. The only thing I can think is she must be really flattering his ego. I held back on that because I didn't want to run him off by seeming too overeager or emotionally attached too soon. He kept saying I should have told him how I felt but we all know that freaks most men out. Idk, men really dont make any sense to me sometimes.

  • Bastardly 2013-10-13 09:20:14

    1) I've only cheated once, she was the same age as my partner then and just about as attractive. I would mostly say 'different'. Build, body type, style, vibe, etc. But yes nicer, to me at least. From other men I've witnessed cheating how the other woman treated them was much more a factor then their looks, yes. 2) Don't think 'interesting' had much to do with it. More like 'receptive'. 3) Seems true, same as answer #2 just sub 'interesting' for 'better looking'. Hell usually the 'other woman' isn't as attractive, think about it; the GF w/ wifey is someone the guy took time to screen and invest in, there was more effort there so yeah she's going to be as hot as he thinks he can get, the 'other woman' just needs to be receptive, nice and DTF. 4) Hadn't paid it much attention but probably: makes sense if you think about how women masturbate, they don't usually think of a specific guy (unless they're hung up on someone) they think of a masculine ideal, which is what they're gonna want if they cheat, which is going to be better looking then their man. 5) Yeah I get that when women tell me I'm the 'other guy'. It's all about attention with women.

  • Sparks 2013-10-13 09:45:22

    Every woman I've ever known you cheated did it with a man who would generally be considered more attractive than her husband/boyfriend. All of them. Some of the men I've known cheated with a woman who was more attractive than his wife/girlfriend and some of them cheated with a less attractive woman. The attraction of 'newness' is strong in men.

  • Sparks 2013-10-13 10:07:59

    Female hypergamy dictates that women will seek out more attractive partners even as short-term options including cheating. Five minutes of alpha beats five years of beta etc. @ Maldek - for me, perfect tits will always outrank a pretty face, my preference being a nice pert B-cup 🙂

  • Blackdragon 2013-10-13 10:57:52

    Now a question; what would you choose: A)A 9 body/face woman (not taking breast into account) with an A-Cup or B)The 7 body/face woman with a nice and firm C-Cup (for me firm C is the perfect cup, if you need D to really enjoy a breast please substitute -> the idea is almost perfect tits; you get the point)
    It would be a tie, and that 9 better have an amazing ass. So I'd flip a coin. If I got with the A-cup 9, she'd have to wear a shirt during sex. (Tiny breasts are a big turnoff for me.) If the 7 was a 7.5, she'd win instantly, hands-down.
    I can’t agree with the numbers put up by the linked to video saying 14% of women cheat while men are higher with 21%. I’ve seen to much evidence of the opposite. Those numbers come from surveys and come on women are more likely to lie about cheating (even if it is just a survey) for fear of shaming, being found out etc, hell women are just better at being descreet
    Correct. Women cheat as much or more than men, but surveys will never, ever reflect this, for the reasons you stated. What we really need are sex surveys conducted while people are hooked up to lie detectors. Now wouldn't THAT be interesting?
    I’ve only cheated once, she was the same age as my partner then and just about as attractive. I would mostly say ‘different’. Build, body type, style, vibe, etc.
    Of course! Like I said in the post about two weeks ago, men are attracted to something different than what they've been getting.

  • The Sigma 2013-10-13 19:37:04

    Great writing as usual. Novelty is needed by both sexes. Novelty is what gives the allure... and the experience. For younger players, having multiple girls should give you more "sample" so that you could accumulate experience that is needed to actually choose the female you want. As a bonus, keeping some on the side allows you to be shit-test proof.

  • Pairo 2013-10-13 23:58:47

    Still young, but there were a couple situations my woman was seeing another guy. Both times, the guy was a provider-type beta male (I'm considered a beta according to your test, I'm still aware of my life, my goals, and making strides to reach the abundance and freedom I need in life): 1 - My first love, she went to university in a city 1-2 hrs from mine. Her and I had history, I'm someone she considers to "know her best" (she went through problems, I cared for her and was understanding, applying what I learned about female psych from PUA sites). At one point, she had a very nice-guy boyfriend, that she never mentioned or made ANY hint of with me. She knew what I was like in bed (dominant and loving when I need to be) and made excuses to see me. Unfortunately, I was very sick when she last saw me and wasn't able to fuck the way she was expecting. We still talk here and there, but she hasn't made a real effort to see me. 2 - Very recent, my gf went to Europe for two months, she wanted me to "wait for her," I wanted us to be open while she was gone and back to mono when she came back. I didn't set up our relationship properly; she found a guy that will do what she wants and did all kinds of Disney behaviour for her, including agreeing to be mono while she was back here. She "broke up with me," and we had sex regularly soon after. Since then she ended things with him, who is spewing all kinds of emotionally needy messages to her. She recently mentioned to me how grateful she is that I'm not emotionally needy. In both experiences, the guy she was cheating on was a needy provider type. Both girls are in their early 20s, as am I. Do you notice any difference with women of different ages when it comes to why they cheat?

  • illuzsion 2013-10-14 01:14:03

    Brilliant! Girls Cheat, Absolutely. One of the girls I've been banging wanted to have my cock inside of her, 3 days before her wedding bells . The guy she got eventually settled down with was the one she was seeing for 5+ years. Co-relates well with the survey. Also I'm better looking than her husband. That experience absolutely rewired my brain chemistry for the better. She drops a note once in a while and wants to bang as soon as her provider goes for a business trip. Talk about living the life of a king where the beta providers bring us free meat!

  • Greg 2013-10-14 04:44:15

    I haven't used the pay based Ashley Maddison site and have no plans to, but from a perusal of it a while ago, there's heaps of fake female profiles on it and I'm guessing the Victoria Milan site is probably similar. So if you're going to use it, be sure that any women can actually prove that they're real.

  • Peter 2016-02-10 03:37:30

    Hi Blackdragon, I wonder if you give your woman really great sex, I mean really great like powerful vaginal orgasm and you are very creative in the bedroom will she still feel the need to cheat eventually after the 3 to 4 year mark? Does anyone have experienced something like that? I am divorced now after having been married for almost 20 years. I had been loyal to my wife for years but after she started to avoid sex with me for a long time I got depressed and got health problems. I was and I am still in very good shape for almost 50 years old. I hit the gym 3 times a week to keep fit for my work as a cameraman and I have never let myself go. I guess she was just biologically bored with me. I started to cheat on her with women that were either married or in a long term relationship and were in the same situation as me. All my health problems were solved almost instantly. I am not proud of what I have done and I believe "open relationships are the way to go" Today I am in a monogamous relationship with a cute blond woman younger than me for almost 2 years, so I still have time to convert the relationship in an open one before we hit the 3 year mark 🙂 Back to my question : Is explosive sex with lot's of orgasms for the woman an insurance policy against cheating or does it delay the inevitable?

  • Blackdragon 2016-02-10 11:42:03

    I wonder if you give your woman really great sex, I mean really great like powerful vaginal orgasm and you are very creative in the bedroom will she still feel the need to cheat eventually after the 3 to 4 year mark?
    She won't feel the need to cheat (necessarily) but she will still start to get sexually bored at around the 3-year mark, yes. Contrary to guy-Disney, there is no "technique" you can use to prevent a woman from achieving the sexual boredom state (of which cheating is but one symptom) in a long-term, cohabiting, monogamous relationship. If there was, someone would have discovered it already and would have made a billion dollars selling it. Alphas can possibly increase the time it takes before she gets bored, that's certainly true. You take that 3 years and perhaps extend it to 5 or 6, for example, but you can't prevent it.