Get Free Email Updates!
Join us for FREE to get instant email updates!
Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
The problem is that you're not nearly as acquainted with the realities of being a woman. Oh sure, you can date women, live with a woman, interact with and observe women, and draw conclusions from this. I do this all the time and so do many other men. Sometimes your conclusions will be right, other times you'll be wrong. Over time, you may even get good at "understanding" women.
-By Caleb Jones
The reason for this is being a woman, living life as a woman, is much different than being a man. I could list many differences, but the biggest one we men tend to underestimate is the sheer amount of pain and suffering women go through as compared to the typical guy.
I'm not saying men never suffer. Of course we do. I'm not saying men never get a raw deal for being men. Of course this happens and I've written about those instances extensively. But in terms of the overall amount of pain and suffering from age zero to age 80, women go through a lot more of it with their bodies, emotions, lives, and finances than does the typical man.
I'll be specific. Pretend you were born a woman. Here are some of the things you get to look forward to...
Your first 11 or 12 years are pretty good. Everyone kisses your ass and tells you how cute you are. But then the fun begins... First you start suffering cramps, and your vagina bleeds for several days. This happens every month for the next 35 years. Holy shit! You now have to deal with pain and blood and mood swings every month. A guy never has to worry about this. Then you turn 13, and suddenly you hate your parents, mostly your mother. For the next few years you go through a lot of conflict with your parents most teenage boys never experience. There's nothing quite like watching a screaming match between a mother and her 13-14 year-old daughter. How often do you see such a match between a mother and her 13-14 year-old son? See my point?
At around the same time, you become horribly concerned with your body and how you look, in ways boys your age don't even give a shit about. If you are at all overweight, even a little, multiply this by ten. You start having sex, and you like it. However, you can't cum. All the boys you have sex with have a great time and cum left and right, but you can't because of your body image issues, sexual inexperience, religious upbringing, daddy issues, blah blah blah.
It's likely you could get pregnant. Have fun being fat and throwing up for a year. Then you're a single mother. Kiss your happiness and freedom goodbye for the next 18 years. Oh, and have fun trying to lose all the baby fat when you're done. Oh, and that loser who impregnated you? He runs off and keeps right on going with his life while you're stuck with a screaming child for the next 18 years. (Sure, he has to pay child support, but only if he has income. If he's 19 years old and smokes weed all day, good look with that.)
For the rest of your life, you have to deal with fear of men. Rational or not, you have fears of being beaten, kidnapped or raped, and have to take all kinds of precautions regarding the opposite sex that men never need to worry about. For the rest of your life, you have to deal with ASD. You want to have sex with men, badly, but this strange magical force inside you tells you that you shouldn't, or shouldn't under certain conditions, or should feel guilty about it. Men don't have this problem. If that's not bad enough, this problem gets worse the older you get.
For the rest of your life, it takes you about 90 minutes in the morning to get ready. (A guy needs about 10-15 minutes, if that.) Say hello to all kinds of sleep deprivation and time management problems. Let's say you don't get pregnant. Uh oh, now you're at age 28 and have to deal with another major biological problem men don't have: the dreaded biological clock.
Now you start running around like a maniac trying to find a man to marry or impregnate you as fast as possible before your time runs out. Your standards for potential fathers suddenly drop like a stone, which in turn raises the odds of divorce (assuming there's a marriage at all; often there is not), parenting conflict, and other relationship problems. Us guys can father children throughout our entire lives, so we don't have this problem.
Then you turn 30. OH MY GOD I'M SO OLD NOW! You spend your entire 30th birthday crying. 31st birthday too. When a man turns 30 he barely notices. (Though to be fair, it's possible he'll freak out when he turns 40, although for very different reasons.)
Okay. Now you're 45 or so and you've "made it". All the crap of parenting and emotions and pregnancy and periods and wrinkles and saggy boobs and divorces are over. You've accepted all of this and are finally at peace. But wait a minute! Now we have menopause! Yay! You wake up in the middle of the night with hot flashes, you start screaming at everyone for no reason, and you find yourself masturbating in the bathroom on your lunch break. You cry a lot, and have many stressful visits to the doctor. Have fun with this insanity for four or five years, if not longer.
Finally, well into your fifties, you're all done suffering. All you have to concern yourself with now is that fat ass that keeps growing no matter what you do and a nice new mustache because of your reduced estrogen.
When it comes to pain and suffering, women have men beat hands-down. This is why I always wake up every morning and thank the good lord I was born a man. If I had to deal with all the emotional and biological garbage women have to put up with on a regular basis, I'm pretty sure I'd kill myself.
So how to do women do it?
Let me pause here and address the fact that you might be wondering where the hell I'm going with all this. "WTF? Is Blackdragon going to start defending women now???" Just stick with me for another minute. This is all background for some of the best relationship advice I can possibly give you.
Because of all this constant physical pain/discomfort and emotional pain/conflict, women simply get used to it. Human beings are amazingly adaptive creatures. It's one of the primary reasons we've survived ice ages, wars, famine, climate change and all kinds of fun stuff that has killed off many other forms of life on this world. We adapt well.
Over time, as a woman goes through all the crap I just listed, she starts becoming accustomed to pain, discomfort, emotional angst, drama, financial problems, and all the other chaos she encounters on a regular basis...things you are not encountering nearly as often as a man. (Yes, you can and will encounter some of them...I said not nearly as often.)
This means that when something arises in your life to cause you pain or discomfort (physical or emotional), the pain to you is a little sharper than if you were a woman. Why? Because she's used to bleeding and freaking out and all kinds of other shit. You aren't. When you get into a serious relationship with her, this means she has a hidden edge over you that you're not even aware of.
Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
This is the core concept: Women are comfortable being uncomfortable.
Credit for this phrase goes to 60 Years of Challenge, who first postulated this many years ago. This entire article is really just an expansion on his original concept. (And he's a hell of a guy who teaches quality information. Go to his site and buy his stuff.)
She's used to being uncomfortable. She's accustomed to it. You aren't. That means if she can make things uncomfortable for both of you, you're likely going to crack first. And she knows it.
Let's say you and your girlfriend or wife get into a huge argument. She starts screaming and yelling. I mean really screaming and yelling. Yuck, you don't like that. It makes you uncomfortable. But she's doing just fine screaming like a maniac. She's accustomed to discomfort. So you crack and give in.
Ohhhhh no. Not me, Blackdragon. I'm an Alpha Male.
Okay. Let's say you're a tough manly-man and don't crack. No problem, she just ups the ante. As you're lecturing her with all your Needy Alpha 1.0 guy-logic about how her behavior is unacceptable and how she needs to respect you, she grabs the frying pan and and throws it at the window as hard as she can. Or she takes a piece of glassware and throws it on the floor. Or she grabs a butcher knife and threatens to kill herself. Or she calls 911 and tells the cops you're beating her up. Now you have a real problem. But she's still just fine. She's in her element.
Guess who usually wins. The woman does, of course. Men don't like that kind of discomfort. They're not used to it. Women have no problem with it at all. Many of them actually like it.
That's an extreme example. Maybe your GF/wife isn't such a bitch. So instead of throwing pots and pans, she gives you the silent treatment...for days and days. Or restricts sex...for weeks and weeks. You hate it, because it's uncomfortable. But she's comfortable being uncomfortable. She bleeds from her vagina on a regular basis and dies a little inside every time she sees her crow's feet in the mirror. She can do this uncomfortable shit forever, no problem. You can't. You want to be comfortable.
After a hard day's work you just want to sit on the couch and relax. Us guys work hard. When it comes to focus, we have women soundly beat. But when we're done working, we want to be comfortable. We don't want to work all day then come home and work another several hours by getting screamed at by our wives/GFs. When this happens, you want to get back to "comfortable" and "happy" again as fast as possible. But that's not what she wants.
Make sure you hear me on this. I am not saying women are stronger than men. What I am saying is that generally speaking, in most cases, women are more accustomed to discomfort than men. Moreover, women know this at an instinctual level, and will use this against men. Guaranteed. They've been doing this for hundreds if not thousands of years. She knows you will move heaven and Earth to get your relationship back to harmony, even if that means massive betaization, compromise, and/or financial expense on your part.
(In addition, I am not saying there are no benefits to being a woman over being a man. Of course there are. Women get thousands of dollars of free stuff from men throughout their lifetimes that us guys will never get from women, as well as support from the court system men do not enjoy, so these things are certainly benefits.)
Your job is to constantly be aware of the fact that the woman, or women, in your life are usually going to attempt to use discomfort as a weapon against you in order to get what they want. It's a powerful weapon indeed. It's like a laser gun that shoots both of you at the same time except she's immune to it.
The way to avoid its effect is to:
1. Never give a woman that kind of power over you in the first place. That's what most of my relationship writings are all about. Don't do things like spend lots of money on her, promise her monogamy, marry her without an enforceable prenup, betaize yourself with her, co-own assets with her, etc. She can't use the laser gun if you never put it in her hand to begin with.
2. As soon as she starts using discomfort against you, immediately boot her out of your life and keep her out of your life for several days before you resume the relationship. That's what the soft next is all about. I can tell you from vast experience, and so can many other men who use the soft nexting technique, that she'll stop using that laser gun really quick if she realizes it won't work on you. As I said above, women are very adaptable, so use that to your advantage instead of to your detriment.
And never forget, you want to be comfortable, but she wants her way. And if you don't understand what this article is advising, she'll get it.
Want over 35 hours of how-to podcasts on how to improve your woman life and financial life? Want to be able to coach with me twice a month? Want access to hours of technique-based video and audio? The SMIC Program is a monthly podcast and coaching program where you get access to massive amounts of exclusive, members-only Alpha 2.0 content as soon as you sign up, and you can cancel whenever you want. Click here for the details.
Get Free Email Updates!
Join us for FREE to get instant email updates!
maldek 2013-11-03 07:19:48
This view on women is Bernankefied lolzlloolllool The only real reason to be a woman is to have children. It is not a curse or crippling - it is the reason why they are. Fedialized big goverment makes women and now even men forget what this is all about. So sad. So true. So dumb.
Daniel 2013-11-03 10:07:01
Not to mention the shoes that women wear. The blisters that girls get from wearing heels must be horrendously painful... And they just keep wearing heels!
lifeofalovergirl 2013-11-03 13:38:31
Yeah, having PMS and periods is not fun. I'll agree with that one. Teenage girls can be awful but I swear my 13 year old son is just as bad. He follows me around the house just TRYING to instigate arguments and he's sooo fucking cranky all the time. Men are like, rarely ever happy, they always seem to be in a bad mood and irritable. At least with women it's just once a month. Men get crabbier and crabbier as they age too, a lot of times. Is it that hard to just act PLEASANT? Body image is huge for girls and women because men (and the media) put so much focus on how we look and expect us to live up to unattainable standards. Um, much of the reason women don't cum is due to male cluelessness regarding the female orgasm. I could come by myself from about age 8 but it took till I was 35 for a man to know what to do... Getting pregnant isn't so bad. I loved most of the being pregnant part and really only threw up once each pregnancy at most. Now labor, I could do without, lol. It's very cool having a baby inside of you. The loss of freedom with a baby is the hardest part. For some reason this never seems to affect men. They just frolic off and do whatever they please, not taking full responsibility for their offspring and it gets put on women. That part is not fair. Raising kids though CAN be a lot of fun for a mom, just helps to get a break once in awhile. Sure there is some fear of men, and it's not totally unwarranted. Men are angry beings a lot of the time. The "ASD" is sometimes just not being attracted enough to a guy. Other times its worry about how HE will perceive you because men send really mixed messages about sex. They say they want it then turn around and lose respect for you for having it too soon. It's not a "magical force" we are dealing with but knowledge of madonna/whore syndrome and we become more and more aware of just how bad it is as we go throughout life and have experiences with men. Yeah, it takes forever to get ready if you want to look good. Again, men are the ones wanting us to look a certain way. They will claim not to like makeup but the women they think are the most attractive are ones who know how to use it to their advantage. No one would like it if we stopped shaving and waxing and doing the things we do. So if we are trying to compete against all kinds of other women, and want to look our best it is going to take time. Another thing men love to complain about is how long we take but they are reaping the reward of the results. Yeah, turning 30 was hard, mostly due (again) to men and their nasty attitudes. If you all weren't so hateful towards the aging process and women we wouldn't have to worry about it. Same with wrinkles. When you mention marriage you forget the more pressing worry for women. It isn't that we will get bored but fear the man is going to run off with some other woman and cheat. That happens more often than the reverse, if you look at studies. If you don't want to have sex with your husband it's probably because he's stopped trying to seduce you and gotten needy and demanding, just whining at you for sex instead of making it hot. If he's let his appearance go or his hygiene, then she's gonna be grossed out too. Menopause...I won't lie, I'm scared of that! My mom tried to kill herself right after she turned 50. I'm trying not to think too much about it yet though. My grandma is 83 and has neither a mustache or a fat ass. Hope I end up more like her. Gotta remember to take those vitamins. 😉 The whole being uncomfortable thing, yeah, men can't handle women's emotions and we know that and sometimes exaggerate to get our way. It works though...
devin 2013-11-03 16:23:45
although some examples can go both ways (like the 19yr old weed guy that impregnates who has to pay child support) or extreme examples (like body image issues, what if she won the genetic lottery and was very physically attractive). still, a nice list of issues that us men never have to worry. That being said, can you please do a men version of that pain list in the same style. Intested what social and biological disadvantages/pains men have, I love your insights.
obeyx 2013-11-03 16:51:20
BillyP 2013-11-03 18:29:01
suidine 2013-11-04 07:02:14
This is actually a pretty accurate representation of the shit women go through. You missed another really significant one though- Most women go through their whole lives trying to survive (just like the rest of us), while being treated as if they're dumb little girls. Being patronized and condescended to like they don't have as much value as their male counterparts is just part and parcel of their professional lives, as is quite eloquently demonstrated in maldek's first post above. Regardless, life is difficult for everyone so I'm not advocating unreasonable amounts of special treatment, but it put a lot of perspective on why women behave the way they do.
Blackdragon 2013-11-04 10:58:59
Body image is huge for girls and women because men (and the media) put so much focus on how we look and expect us to live up to unattainable standards.No. Women do that. Most gatekeepers in the fashion and Hollywood industries are women, not men. Most women would be shocked to find out how much other women push this standard, not guys. We're men...we'll fuck anything.
The “ASD” is sometimes just not being attracted enough to a guy.That's not ASD.
Yeah, turning 30 was hard, mostly due (again) to men and their nasty attitudes.All those nasty men don't want to have sex with women over 30 because they have wrinkles? Okay, please name me one woman in her thirties who is not overweight who cannot find a man to have sex with her.
can you please do a men version of that pain list in the same styleDo you really want to hear all of that? Especially when you already know it?
That 60 years of success or whatever website is pretty intrusiveI can't and won't vouch for anyone else's sites but my own. Regardless, if I'm going to give the guy credit for the original idea in the article, it made sense to me to at least include a link to his site. I know would have appreciated it if the roles were reversed. (I have no business arrangement with 60.)
I realise this...will probably not be postedYes it will. 🙂 I don't block comments on this blog just because people disagree with me. Only when people go ad hominem or try to spam.
Most women go through their whole lives trying to survive (just like the rest of us), while being treated as if they’re dumb little girls. Being patronized and condescended to like they don’t have as much value as their male counterpartsThat's very true, but in my opinion much of that is offset by the fact that these same men will pander to these women forever because they want to sleep with them. That's why men (and ugly women) are often surprised at how little average or attractive women have to work to achieve similar results in certain areas of life.
Alejandro 2013-11-04 11:02:27
Suidine: I would be more inclined to count it as an advantage.Blackdragon said that many people, deep down, don't consider women to be responsible for their actions. The are "women", they can't help it. Kind of like a child almost. Regarding professional lives, men can't just sleep with someone to get a job/promotion/recomendation the way women can. And you also need to take into account the fact that a reasonably attractive woman can find a guy to take care of her, and nobody will look down on her if she chooses not to work and be a housewife instead. (but yeah, I dont want to turn this into a who has more advantages/disadvantages debate, I agree with blackdragon on the general point. I am so glad I was born a man!)
Jetsetjim 2013-11-05 20:09:35
This is a great post- spot on. However, you didn't mention one of the biggies: Women suffer from huge, HUGE, confidence and self-esteem issues. Not that men don't- certainly many do. But it's like half of what women deal with. Women aren't just insecure about their bodies, they're insecure about just about everything: What people think of them, if some other chick will steal their man, their future, their security, their family life, their kids futures, etc etc. Men (especially Alphas) tend to have the attitude "Shit happens, and when it does I'll just fucking deal with it." That's a rare female trait. I have said many times- *Women seek in men that which they lack within themselves*.
Tin Man 2013-11-23 08:39:58
BD...catching up on the blog posts - this one struck a cord with me. During my marriage I thought it was about "getting along" and "having a partnership" - but as you said, Men want to be comfortable and woman want what they want. As the classic American Beta-Husband, I always tried to move to comfortable, and that was a path to the courthouse - it just took almost 2 decades to get there. Great stuff.
freebird 2014-05-29 10:38:29
This post is absolutely spot on. I am going through a divorce after a 13 year relationship (married 10 of those). There is zero doubt that my soon to be ex used discomfort as a weapon against me. I am benefitting tremendously from the great information on this blog. I appreciate you very much, BD! Btw, it is really hilarious to me how a rel. High % of the women that I am coming in contact with now that I am single are very disturbed (and attracted) to my new attitude towards women (no dinner dates, telling them NO!, unpredictable contact with them, aggressively escalating to sex, etc). They say things like, "you have a lot to learn about chivalry". LOL
It-Began-In-Africa 2014-06-05 07:50:55
Superb post, how did I missed this one! I am thrilled you have an archive for keen students of BD magic to rummage through. Good luck to the 'freebird' above. Damn, spread your wings bruv, and seed too... but always safely.
JoshuaTenor 2014-09-20 00:52:55
BD: Even though I'm coming late to this party commenting on an article you wrote some time ago, I must say that it's very well done and that you've hit the nail on the head. I've had to learn that all of this is true through experience. Wish I had read this years ago. lol
Nathan 2015-09-16 22:54:21
I've used the opposite of softnext. When living with a woman who is going nuts, I walk out and stay away for a period of time. They hate being left alone - you're their protector. Infact one of the main reasons they want cohabitation is that they feel protected.
Minister 2016-02-09 06:31:46
I think you are dead wrong on this. Women actually AVOID feeling uncomfortable like hell. And the proof? Just try making a woman uncomfortable in your presence (either making a move too early by her standards or saying something she doesn't like) and you are not going to see her ever again, guaranteed. How many times do women do things outside their comfort zone, like cold approaching or online dating? WAY more rarely than men. The examples you mention, like drama, are inaccurate, because they are comfortable (actually they enjoy) doing them in the first place.
Blackdragon 2016-02-09 21:29:54
Just try making a woman uncomfortable in your presence (either making a move too early by her standards or saying something she doesn’t like) and you are not going to see her ever again, guaranteed.That's not discomfort. That's ASD (or fear).
Minister 2016-02-10 02:03:50
That’s not discomfort. That’s ASD (or fear).Whatever. Does ASD/fear cause them comfort or discomfort? I bet the latter. Also: 'How many times do women do things outside their comfort zone, like cold approaching or online dating?' I can tell you for a fact that only 1 woman in 1000 cold approaches. Online dating, although it has become very popular nowadays, is tried by a low percentage of women and not consistently. Seriously, the only hardship they have to go through is their period. Life is like paradise for them, as they are ass-kissed and treated like queens by everyone. If you are a woman, enjoy getting free food/drinks/tickets etc by the hordes of betas and orbiters around you. Have fun bitching to everybody, while they put up with you and not say a word.
Blackdragon 2016-02-10 11:35:59
Everything you're saying is correct, but you're not talking about the discomfort I'm taking about. You're taking about ASD, fear, and/or possibly laziness when it comes to cold approaching a man. Women have no need to do this, plus they have ASD that prevents them from doing this. When I say "discomfort" I'm primarily talking about the discomfort felt in a relationship due to drama, unhappiness, or conflict. It's a pity the English language doesn't have a more precise word to describe this.
Life is like paradise for them, as they are ass-kissed and treated like queens by everyone. If you are a woman, enjoy getting free food/drinks/tickets etc by the hordes of betas and orbiters around you. Have fun bitching to everybody, while they put up with you and not say a word.Allow me to repeat what I said in the post that you seemed to have missed: (In addition, I am not saying there are no benefits to being a woman over being a man. Of course there are. Women get thousands of dollars of free stuff from men throughout their lifetimes that us guys will never get from women, as well as support from the court system men do not enjoy, so these things are certainly benefits.)
Pyro Nagus 2016-07-14 05:07:59
This is the basic process of addiction. Adapt to something for long enough and you'll start craving it, regardless of whether it's beneficial for you or not. I see this with abuse, drugs and feel it with workout pain every day. To the average person the song 'I love the misery' by halestorm would make no sense. Then again women make no sense to most men. Whenever I hear a dude exclaim "Women!" followed by a bunch of sighs from his friends, I struggle not to laugh or spill the beans for obvious reasons. It's hard knowing the truth and not relaying it to others. Heh...
Johhny 2016-07-20 16:09:34
Jesus man what a load of bullshit. I'd take the monthly vaginal cramps and bleeds over the daily grind any day. Men have a higher pain tolerance than women, the only time women tolerate more pain than men is during child birth. Look it up. Both men and women are held up to high standards and to be succesfull as a guy your SMV requires way more work whilst a woman's only needs some touch ups. This means long days of working, building your career, learning to be independent, breaking your body at the gym etc. Have you ever seen the workout of a woman? It's ridiculous. Their entire weekly gym schedule is my daily warm up. Label me a show-off. Now your talking about a woman's tolerance for drama like it's some super power that signifies strength. Drama is easy to wail in if your life doesn't hinge on the successes you make on a daily basis. The reason why women aren't focused and suck as competitors is their emotions. Now we've arrived to your point about women hitting the wall. And I agree wholehearted, women suffer allot after this point. Just remember that most men suffer in their late teens and early twenties. When their being out classed by you guessed it- older men. Men's sexual strategy aims for the long haul while women's rely on shock and awe. Those late teen/twenty's are pure bliss for a woman. Filled with nothing but shameless consumption, ever growing attention and plenty of male sexual options. Lets not forget that having an educational system entirely custom tailored to your strong points makes for easy sailing. Women have it fucking easy. They aren't in pain. I know men who worked out their backs and brittle bones in order to provide for their families. Having little to no time for themselves while the wife stayed at home and cooked dinner. I'm not saying that being a stay at home mom ain't an important job, far from. But any job that can be completed in your pajamas is fucking easy. Men enjoy more benefits than women when they break into that upper echelon of top 20%. And this is usually achieved in your mid twenties by most men. Men work the ladder. For women there ain't no ladder. When a guy finally becomes top dog he earned those benefits. That's what I think.
Blackdragon 2016-07-20 17:01:07
Here are a few excerpts from the above article you seem to have missed: I’m not saying men never suffer. Of course we do. I’m not saying men never get a raw deal for being men. Of course this happens and I’ve written about those instances extensively. and Make sure you hear me on this. I am not saying women are stronger than men. and I am not saying there are no benefits to being a woman over being a man. Of course there are. Women get thousands of dollars of free stuff from men throughout their lifetimes that us guys will never get from women, as well as support from the court system men do not enjoy, so these things are certainly benefits. In the future I suggest you read a little more slowly.
ashley 2016-09-08 08:37:38
Why not just pick one and keep her? Why cycle through one after the next after the next? I don't understand what it's like to be a guy...are you guys searching for one or is it the idea of the many? Sorry..I am a woman so I sort of don't know..but I agree with being able to tolerate discomfort childbirth lasts hours and without medicine it's a clear example of your argument.
Blackdragon 2016-09-08 14:01:22
Why not just pick one and keep her?Because long-term monogamy doesn't work.
SanityDose 2016-09-22 11:15:44
Great article BD! Typo in the 9th point- "Say hello to all KINDS (not kids) of sleep deprivation and time management problems". It's a negligible mistake,but why leave it if it could be corrected?
Blackdragon 2016-09-22 11:19:23
Corrected! Thank you.
randombiker 2019-02-24 18:39:36
"you have fears of being beaten, kidnapped or raped, and have to take all kinds of precautions regarding the opposite sex that men never need to worry about." False. Men are 4 times more often victims of aggression. They are not raped that often, this is true, but i suppose that if they could chose between being killed or raped, they would chose the later.