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Single Mothers and Gender Myopia
Once again we leap into the realm of gender myopia! It's that bizarre condition where women confuse traits that are attractive to women for those that are attractive to men. The end result is a bunch of women bragging about things they think will turn men on, when in fact they are the exact things that turn men off.
-By Caleb Jones
After going back through my spreadsheets, I was not surprised to find that 50% of every woman I have ever had sex with was a single mother. I once married a single mother and made her son my own.
Years later after my divorce, I fell madly and deeply in love with another single mother. It was good.
I have had many strong MLTR relationships with single mothers and will continue to do so.
Many other FBs and MLTRs I've had/have became single mothers while I was seeing them (with other men's babies of course; because I'm not a moron) and it was totally fine with me.
I never "screen out" single mothers.
I would happily consider a single mother for OLTR status (as long as she qualified on everything else).
While there are pros and cons to everything, I think when you add everything up, single mothers are generally no better and no worse than women with no kids. I speak as a very outcome independent, non-screening, 41 year old man, however. If you're a younger guy or a man who is on a mission for that Perfect Woman™, you may disagree with me. Regardless, I think dating a single mother is fine as long as you follow all the usual relationship rules.
The actual pros and cons of single mothers should probably be a we should have on this blog, but not today.
No, today we have to deal with this delusional, guilty person over at eHarmony who wrote about "15 Reasons To Date A Single Mom". Oh, lordy. You can just tell from the title that you're going to get rational, factual, well-researched, objective, accurate points. Dalrock and Captain Capitalism have already taken a look at this. Let us also dip our bucket into this well and see what we come up with...
1. She’s no wimp. Single moms are tough and independent.
Classic, classic gender myopia. This is why I know with 100% certainty this article was written by a woman. She thinks "tough and independent" are qualities that attract men to women. Do they? How many single men do you know who are fantasizing about getting a "tough and independent" girlfriend or wife?
2. She’s already a great mom. (And weren’t you looking for someone who would be a great mother? Look no further!)
In my experience, and I have a hell of lot of it with single mothers, most single moms are not good mothers. Even if they are genuinely good people and mean well, the lack of a father to help raise and discipline the child takes a huge toll on these women, and they tend to take it out on their children more than anyone else.
If the single mother has a son, this is even worse, since she'll raise him with all kinds of biased feminine BS that will damage him greatly as an adult man. I really, really feel sorry for little boys raised by single mothers who stay without a long-term male lover.
4. She doesn’t play games. She doesn’t have time to just fool around. She takes her relationships seriously.
But what if a man wants to fool around before deciding to get serious with her? Do these women think it's a great idea to make all kinds of commitments to each other and then start having sex? Her desire to "not just fool around" has reduced her odds of finding a high-quality, masculine man who will love her, not raised them. (Gender myopia!)
5. She’ll only keep you around if the relationship is a good thing for both her and her kids. You won’t have to guess if she’s into you. Um, this is a massive negative for man, not a positive.
6. Single moms are easy to pamper. (They don’t get breaks very often. Hint, hint.)
I actually agree with this one. One of the benefits of single mothers is that their standards in terms of "quality time" with a man tend to be lower. The fact she has to find babysitting for the kid every time she wants to go out means a lot more "dates" with her where you are just going over to her place for a quiet (and inexpensive) evening. Good.
7. She’s loyal — and is fiercely protective of her little brood.
As Dalrock already noted on his blog, the fact she bailed on her father means she's disloyal, not loyal. And are you implying married mothers aren't fiercely protective of their children? Hmm...
8. She can articulate what she wants and needs from a relationship.
And a childless woman can't?
9. Single moms are both practical and fun. There’s no room for diva behavior.
What? Are fucking kidding me? Go on 10 first dates with 10 women who are single mothers, especially pretty ones, and/or especially those over age 33, then come back and tell me they don't have "room for diva behavior". Amazing.
Yep! She's fucked all those other guys with no strings attached! Now you get to be her beta provider and help pay to raise that kid of hers! Yay! Another huge negative for a man spun as a positive.
11. She’s selfless. Single moms put others’ needs before their own.
Wrong. She puts her children's needs before her own. More importantly for a man, she'll put her children's needs before HIS needs. Every single time. With a childless woman, you don't have this problem. Once again, a negative spun as a positive.
12. Moms make the best lasagna and give the best back rubs.
Jesus. Are you convinced this writer is a woman yet?
13. You’ll get to take part in adventures to amusement parks, the zoo and the park. Bonus: You’ll have an excuse to play with toys. It's true that a percentage of men out there do actually like doing this stuff. Many don't however.
14. She’s adaptable. She knows that life doesn’t always go as planned and has learned how to make the best of it. As I've described before, all women are highly adaptable to pain and suffering, not just single mothers.
15. Single moms can do it all, but are super-appreciative of a helping hand. Woo her with kindness and acts of service. Um...this is a positive for a man, how? How is this even relevant to a list of advantages of single mothers for men?
Let's do a final tally. Of the above 15 "advantages":
3 are completely false.
3 are negatives for men, not positives. (Negatives that don't occur as often with childless women.)
3 are gender myopia, things that women think are attractive to men that actually turn men off.
5 are either irrelevant, nonsensical, or neutral (neither advantages or disadvantages)
1 is a real advantage.
So "15 advantages" are actually one advantage. Well done, eHarmony. Razor sharp analysis. Keep up the good work.
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maldek 2013-11-21 07:15:37
"3. She’s incredibly patient, but doesn’t have a lot of tolerance for bad behavior. She’ll be good for you." -> In womanese the meaning is like this: "She is patient" -> she will give you time to change yourself until you suit her needs better. (if not patient she would just dump you if you do not adapt in a month) "doesn’t have a lot of tolerance for bad behavior" -> She will notice and correct your bad habits, like she does with her (boy) son. In essence she will educate you as if you were another child. "She’ll be good for you." Men are idiots by nature and need a strong and independent woman (TM)to correct them and lead them into the light of feminism. This is good for you. This bullshit was written by a woman. If I was to do a hard guess; she is single (most likely single mom) plus her SMV is 5 or lower.
The Haunty Master (@Hauntymasters) 2013-11-21 09:08:16
Not only am I convinced the author is female, I'm additionally convince she, herself, is a single mother. No woman could spout this much adulation about another woman if it didn't somehow relate back to her.
Kevin Velasco 2013-11-21 12:11:14
i ♥ propaganda
lifeofalovergirl 2013-11-21 12:39:07
Hell, Im a single mother and I dont even agree with this list. Most of it doesnt even make any sense. Yes, Im easier to please, happy to squeeze in a quickie when I can and even a little bit of pampering makes me happy. The only other positives i can think of are that i wont demand near as much time and attention. I just plain dont have time to waste. Other than that dating a single mom is just a hassle. You have to be willing to accept that she just doesnt have the time and attention to give you that other women might be able to. You have to be good at scheduling things around her needs and her children's activities. She may not even want you to come to her house or around the kids. If you do everything is more expensive and needs to be kid oriented. The kids may or may not be well behaved. Single moms are 10 times more stressed out and may want to tell you all her struggles. She's likely financially strapped and really wants you to pay for more stuff. Hell, I dont even know why guys date me but thankfully most dont bat an eyelash at the fact that i have 5 kids. The only time anyone has ever made out like it was any kind of issue was when they are these traditional dating minded white guys and i am not really interested in them anyhow. It does keep me feeling like i can only have more casual relationships though. I just cant fully give most guys what they want because i am not emotionally available enough for more. Im spent. So for casual sex purposes i think single moms might be better bets. Their expectations regarding your time are less. As far as wanting a guy to provide for their kids, i bet it is a lot less than most people think. Sure, that sounds nice but i dont like to burden anyone with that expectation and am happy to find men that just want to date ME and never get involved with my kids at all. I need a break, and as far as finding a second father to my children would be extremely picky. I'd rather not have that expectation in the mix
Blackdragon 2013-11-21 14:28:01
I completely agree this article was probably written by a single mother.
You have to be willing to accept that she just doesnt have the time and attention to give you that other women might be able to.That's actually a positive for me. Since I have a once-a-week rule with all women, if a single mother can't see me more than about once a week because she's so busy with her damn kids, that makes me happy, whereas it will REALLY upset the typical guy. I've just realized that's probably one of the reasons I've enjoyed single mothers so much, and why they represent a strong number of women I've dated. Unlike the vast majority of men out there, including Alphas, I actually prefer very busy women who can't see me very often. It fits into my poly lifestyle perfectly.
Single moms are 10 times more stressed out and may want to tell you all her struggles. She’s likely financially strapped and really wants you to pay for more stuff.And that's the problem with single mothers. It's a huge one, and it's why so many single mothers "lose out" to women with no kids.
truth-X 2013-11-21 15:20:08
BD, would you say the hottest women you've been with in the last 5 years are single moms? Would you say hot single moms you meet online are much easier to get out on dates and get to quick sex, assuming they are not hardcore provider hunters. I ask since its a big belief that a hot girl ( lets say an 8 ) who then has a kid and becomes single, although still physically hot loses a bunch of sexual market value. Hence a single mom 8, is actually a 7 or 6.5.. which allows guys who would normally never get to fuck and 8, now fuck an 8. A lot of lazy guys I know specialize in going after only single moms. They call it "shop lifting" since they feel they are getting massive discounts as they are only like a 5 or 6, but are banging 7s and 8s (and getting the bang QUICK).
truth-X 2013-11-21 15:21:49
Also BD I forgot to add in my original text. Would you say based on your massive amount of field experaince, that the easiest way for a older guy to bang upper level ( 8s and 9s ) YOUNG women ( early 20s, 18 and 19 too ) are to find single moms? Are most of the really young women you get with single moms?
lifeofalovergirl 2013-11-21 15:44:06
@BD, I honestly cant think of a single situation where I "lost out" to a single woman with no kids. Maybe because I am 37 and guys who date me are also usually more apt to be dating other single mothers with kids but it hasn't happened yet, to my knowledge. The single women I know, at my age, with no kids dont really seem to be faring any better or worse than I am in the relationship department. It might be different for someone in their early 20s who had a baby at 18 or something though.
Blackdragon 2013-11-21 16:23:14
BD, would you say the hottest women you’ve been with in the last 5 years are single moms?No. Hot, but not the hottest.
Would you say hot single moms you meet online are much easier to get out on dates and get to quick sex, assuming they are not hardcore provider hunters.No. In my experience it's usually about the same.
I ask since its a big belief that a hot girl ( lets say an 8 ) who then has a kid and becomes single, although still physically hot loses a bunch of sexual market value. Hence a single mom 8, is actually a 7 or 6.5.. which allows guys who would normally never get to fuck and 8, now fuck an 8. A lot of lazy guys I know specialize in going after only single moms. They call it “shop lifting” since they feel they are getting massive discounts as they are only like a 5 or 6, but are banging 7s and 8s (and getting the bang QUICK).While I don't disagree, I don't agree with that either. Based on my experience, AGE has much more to do with how fast a woman will put out than whether or not she has kids. A very hot single mother still knows she's very hot. An average/ugly/fat single mother knows she's this also.
Would you say based on your massive amount of field experaince, that the easiest way for a older guy to bang upper level ( 8s and 9s ) YOUNG women ( early 20s, 18 and 19 too ) are to find single moms?Generally, no. Maybe if you did more "provider game" and implied or stated that you wanted to "take care of a girl" this would probably work better with young single mothers. That's not really my style though. (Though some younger women may incorrectly assume this of me just because of my age.)
Are most of the really young women you get with single moms?Yes but only by a small margin. About 55%-60% of the women age 22 and under I've slept with were single moms.
I honestly cant think of a single situation where I “lost out” to a single woman with no kids.Usually you wouldn't know if this happened.
Maybe because I am 37 and guys who date me are also usually more apt to be dating other single mothers with kids but it hasn’t happened yet, to my knowledge.That might be true. I was thinking more about single mothers under under age 30 or so. I agree that most men are going to pre-assume that most women your age are going to have kids. Regardless, I promise you that at some point you have "lost out", either on sex or relationship, to a younger woman who had no kids. Likely many times.
hindusach (@hindusach) 2013-11-22 19:31:44
Hey BD, have you seen this app? Curious to hear your thoughts. It's a 'rating' system for people. Particularly a way for women to rate men. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/21/fashion/social-networking-App-allows-women-to-rate-men.html?src=me&ref=general