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Top Ten Pickup Myths
My goal is to actually have sex with females. Not talk, not spend a bunch of time "gaming" or telling jokes or "vibing" or pAImAI or M2 or any of that other PUA crap. My goal, my only goal (during the pre-relationship phase anyway) is to put my Johnson inside a new woman or two. That's it. As a result, I get laid a hell of a lot and do so very quickly. If your goal is to have a bunch of girls like you and but not have sex with you, have fun. I, and men like me, will be having sex with them when you're done.
-By Caleb Jones
Reality: No you can't.
There's a lot of advertising for dating / seduction / PUA stuff that says or implies that if you just do the right things, you can get any woman you want. No, you can't. That girl who's had you in friend zone for a year won't have sex with you. Sorry. That girl you met at the party last week who you can't get out of your mind probably won't have sex with you either.
You need to grow up and realize that the vast majority of women you encounter will never have sex with you no matter how amazing you are. Deal with it.
What is possible is that you can have sex with any type of woman you want. If your secret fantasy is to get down and dirty with a 19 year-old blonde cheerleader or a sexy librarian or have sex with a hot corporate vice president on her desk, you probably wont be able to sleep with that particular one you know right now, but another one you could meet just like her (or better) can and probably will sleep with you provided you have strong game and put in the numbers. As they say, "ask me how I know".
2. Myth: Women always do what they say they'll do.
Reality: When speaking in a sexual or romantic context, women don't do what they say they'll do.
She says she'll meet you at the bar on Tuesday at 6:30pm. You put in in your schedule, thinking it's a done deal. She said she'd be there, so she'll be there. Then she flakes, and you're furious. At your wedding she says she'll love you forever. Shortly before that she promised to give you blowjobs every day for the rest of your life because you love them so much. Five years later, she thinks blowjobs are "gross" and refuses to do them. A few years after that, you get divorced.
Women don't do what they say they'll do whenever they're speaking within a sexual or relationship context. (In other contexts, like business, women are just fine.) Accept this, get used to this, plan on this, stop thinking women are like men. They aren't.
3. Myth: Only good-looking guys do well.
Reality: Looks matter. A lot. But not as much as you think.
Looks matter. Yes, yes, yes. I've said this many times and in many ways for many years. Yes. Looks are a critical component of your success with women, and you should always look your best if you want to do well. BUT! And this is a big BUT, looks are not the deciding factor. As just one example, there are hordes of guys out there who think online dating is just for good-looking guys. I always laugh when I hear this. Just a few years ago I was 250 pounds of fat with balding hair, sometimes decades older than the women I was working on, and yet I still got laid left and right from some of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life, and I did it without spending any money on them.
Yes, looks are a factor. But if you throw your arms in the air and stop trying just because you don't like look Ryan Gosling, and then spend the rest of your life sneering at better-looking men, I'm sorry but you're an idiot. Improve your appearance as best you can, get off your ass, put in the numbers, and you could lay lots of attractive women if you want that bad enough. You just have to work a little harder at it. Stop being a whiny little pussy about this.
4. Myth: Talking a lot and acting cool will get you laid.
Reality: Social interaction does not equal sex. If your goal is the first, you won’t get much of the second.
The seduction community is full of extroverted, fun, talkative guys who spend massive amounts of time talking to women, flirting with women, "gaming" women, kinoing women, and maybe even kissing women, but who spend almost no time actually getting laid. If your goal is to go out to the clubs (or bookstores or OKCupid) to talk to a bunch of girls, act cool, and make them laugh at your jokes, I guess that's fine. Have fun with that. But you won't get laid.
Reality: No you won't. As a matter of fact, you'll likely be worse than an AFC while in a traditional relationship. While certain mental frames are similar, relationships require a completely different set of skills that have nothing whatsoever to do with pickup.
This is why so many player / PUA guys so often end up in bad relationships. Players always assume that because they're good at picking up women they're automatically good at having girlfriends or wives, when in fact the exact opposite is true (we'll get to that in the next item on this list).
"Pickup" or "dating" skills are a completely different skill set than relationship skills. If you want to "neg" or "freezeout" that woman you're trying to have sex with, that's fine. But if you want to try to neg or do a freezeout on your live-in monogamous girlfriend (guys actually try this!), great man. You let me know how that goes. After you're done arguing with her for an hour that is.
6. Myth: I've slept with a ton of of girls, therefore I will be a good husband someday.
Reality: If you're a player who's slept with lots of women and enjoyed it, you'll likely never be long-term monogamous, at least not before the age 60. You'll cheat behind her back or dump her. Stop lying to yourself (and the women you love) and accept this.
This is probably the single biggest problem with PUA guys in my opinion. Just about every PUA guy on the planet thinks, "OK, I'm going to get good at pickup and go fuck a bunch of sluts. I'll do this for a few years. Then, once I turn 35 or 40, after I've laid 150 women, I'll find that Special Girl™ who is Not Like The Rest™ and we'll settle down and get married and have kids and I'll Make It Work™ because I'm an Alpha Male Who Knows Women™ and I Know What I'm Doing™."
These guys always, and I mean always, end up either divorced or cheating on their new wives, getting caught and dealing with hardcore wife-drama for years on end. Why? Because once you've had sex with tons of hot women, you've established a habit and a precedent for sexual variety. There is now no way in hell you can ever be monogamous longer than about a year or two, even if you wanted to (which deep down you probably don't; you're just surrendering to Societal Programming).
That nerdy beta male with the khaki pants has higher odds of making a long-term monogamous relationship or marriage work than you do. Once you get to be a very old man, as in well over age 60, when your testosterone levels go to shit, then maybe you might be able to pull that off. But right now? No.
I know that sucks. I know you don't want to hear that. But it's the truth. Stop lying to yourself and live a life congruent to the man you are. That's what a true Alpha does. And remember, being in love, having kids, even getting married, none of these things require absolute monogamy. If you disagree with that, you need to do some more reading on this blog.
7. Myth: All women are women, and therefore want the same things. Game them all the same.
Realty: Her age and cultural upbringing do matter. A lot.
I still see guys cling to the silly myth that all women the same and gamed the exact same way. I have already discussed many times that getting that cute 21 year-old college student into bed will be a completely different process than getting that hot 41 year-old cougar milf into bed. If you try to game the cougar the exact same way you tried to game that 21 year-old, or vice versa, you're in for a world of hurt and a shitload of wasted time.
It's the same with cultural differences. Go run some game in downtown Manhattan, then move to Demark and do the same thing, then move to Rio and do the same thing, then move to Shanghai and do the same thing. Then look me in the eye and tell me that a woman's cultural upbringing has nothing to do with how fast she'll have sex with you.
While there are always unusual exceptions to every rule, women of different ages and cultural backgrounds must be gamed differently. Often very differently.
Reality: As long as it's A) legal, B) doesn't require lying, and C) doesn't cost you a lot of money, any process you use that gets you laid quickly is good and valid.
"Night game is better than online game!"
"Elderly daygame is better than street game!"
"Social circle game is for AFCs!"
Whenever I see these silly arguments, and I still see them all the time, I'm reminded of two six year-olds arguing with each other on the playground about whether He-Man could beat up Optimus Prime. Do you get laid fast and often, without having to lie or spend a lot of money? Then your system works. Discussion over. You win.
But that also means that other guy you hate with the completely different system who also gets laid a lot also wins. Yes, you both win. Now shut up and stop arguing. (And go get laid.) I don't care if you meet women on POF or the club or the bookstore or at parties or whatever. If you get laid fast, it works. All game styles can and do work if you work them correctly. The only difference is which styles of game apply to your personality, age, and lifestyle the best.
9. Myth: I have strong game, so I can get that one girl (or) I have strong game and a super special technique, so I don't have to open lots of girls.
Reality: It will always be a numbers game. Any attempt to get around this will only result in frustration for you.
Oneitis is simply the inability of a man to put in the numbers. By finding that One Girl™, he's shut off all the numbers and is now focusing on ONE GIRL. And he will, of course, fail. Similarly, I sometimes see guys come up with hair-brained pickup schemes in order to get very high success ratios without having to open a lot of women. They always fail. (Unless you're talking about paying hookers, but that's not game.)
Dating, pickup, and sex is a numbers game. There is no getting around this. Yes, you want to improve your skills so that your success ratios are as high as possible, but that doesn't negate the fact that you're still going to have to open lots and lots of women who are still going to reject you. Accept it, and stop trying to live in a Californication guy-fantasy.
10. Myth: That girl is a 9. That one over there is a 6, and that one over there is a 2. If you don't agree with me, you're stupid and wrong and don't understand the biological science of what attracts men to women like I do. Reality: The 1 to 10 attractiveness scale is absolutely, completely, 100% subjective. Get a thousand men together, and all of them will have completely different opinions on what a "5" is, a "7" is, or a "10" is.
Routinely talking about 7s or 9s or whatever isn't helpful. I promise you, what you think is a 9 I'm going to think is a 5 or a 6 and vice versa. So then what's the point about talking about a "9"? Even when I say things like how I only have sex with women I consider to be at least 8, I'm always quick to point out the words "I consider". Your consideration may be different, and probably is.
I still remember one day when I showed my two brothers a picture on my phone of a blonde woman I recently had sex with who I considered a perfect 10. Literally a 10. They both grimaced and complained she was "ugly" because her D-cup boobs were "too big". Then one of them showed me a pic of what he thought was a ten, and it was a flat-chested dark-skinned woman with short hair whom I would not touch with a ten-foot pole.
I once saw a PUA web site where the guy was complaining that no one knew what a proper "10" was. He was going to show pictures of every type of woman, from 1 to 10, to set us all straight. His choice for a perfect 10? Evangeline Lilly (Kate on Lost). This guy was pronouncing that this was the objective "10" standard: a cute but tiny freckle-faced woman with A-cup breasts, no ass, and no hips.
This entire discussion about 1 to 10 is useless and stupid. All that matters is what is physically attractive to you. Even if every other guy you know disagrees with you, screw 'em. It's completely irrelevant.
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Hellin 2013-12-08 06:04:54
Tin Man 2013-12-08 07:47:44
Seems there is a common theme through most of these points...It's a numbers game. Reason most people don't like sales - because they don't want to deal with all the NOs to get to the YESs. Probably lots of correlation between Sales and Game.
Peter 2013-12-08 08:08:58
4. Myth: Talking a lot and acting cool will get you laid. I realized this one a couple of months ago. My god... The game/PUA material that I was reading all came through the extraverted lens. The moment I saw a calm introverted guy getting interest from girls I couldn't believe what I was seeing, All this time I've been trying to be something or someone that I'm not, it didn't work at all. I've been (correctly) percieved as a try-hard. Now that I'm much more grounded I notice people listen to me and girls are a lot more interested, I can see them creating oppertunity's for me to open them, life is just better this way. Being an INTJ, I love it.
Blackdragon 2013-12-08 12:47:31
The game/PUA material that I was reading all came through the extraverted lens.Almost all PUA material is. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's important to know what you're reading and who the target market is.
Beast Mode 2013-12-08 17:31:39
BD, Game is what ever works granted you have the core ingredients, confidence well put together etc. Looks are subjective and scoring women is pointless. What I find attractive (dark skinned, Hazel eyes, curves) the next guy might think different. If you want to game women in certain cultures you have to do your research.
R1J2 2013-12-09 11:41:17
"The moment I saw a calm introverted guy getting interest from girls I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, All this time I’ve been trying to be something or someone that I’m not, it didn’t work at all. I’ve been (correctly) percieved as a try-hard." How does a calm, introverted person get and hold a girl's interest? I'm asking because my natural state is somewhere inbetween introverted and extroverted. For a long time I've tried to be that extroverted person most say you should be, and it's exhausting. To be honest, I hate talking about my self, and constantly trying to attract attention.
Jack 2013-12-09 14:02:54
I see an evolution of thought with PUAs. Its far superior now to what it was pre-2008. The better day game outfits pretty much all teach direct openers followed by intelligent convo skills. There is no longer an emphasis on negging or routines or patterns or games, etc.. In fact, the emphasis is on being a sexy, confident NORMAL man, not an entertainer. Mystery's approach to game is largely becoming obsolete (thank god). Even Roissy seems stuck back in 2002. I would trust BlackDragon with game advice over Roissy any day of the week. I absolutely agree about the numbers aspect of game though. Putting in the work is crucial. But the thing is that without some sound approach and dating model combined with a solid understanding of female psychology, a guy will not be able to score with attractive women barring luck no matter how many doors he knocks on. In that sense, game is crucial. But there are probably a hundred sound game systems that work for those willing to put in the work. As for introverted vs extroverted, I think that there is a Goldilocks zone that a guy should strive for. Too introverted and you wont attract. Too extroverted and you will frighten girls off (unless you are extremely calibrated). I've seen guys that are amazing at night game that are so extroverted they are basically sociopaths (see the RSD instructors). But I've seen guys pull regularly that are really sedate and laid back. The latter is much more preferable and realistic imo. Another great post BD. You're on a role of super high quality material.
Blackdragon 2013-12-09 19:24:26
As for introverted vs extroverted, I think that there is a Goldilocks zone that a guy should strive for. Too introverted and you wont attract. Too extroverted and you will frighten girls offWell put. Agree.
Nosferatu 2013-12-10 02:49:30
Hey BD, excellent post as usual…. Just wanna ask can you expand on point 4 of this post? I understand your point that "social interaction does not equal sex", but what exactly is it that you do as an alternative to all the PUA stuff you mention in point 4, that DOES get you laid? I've read all your ebooks so I've got an idea what your response will be, but I'd rather hear the concise, direct answer from your own keyboard.
Blackdragon 2013-12-11 19:31:50
I understand your point that “social interaction does not equal sex”, but what exactly is it that you do as an alternative to all the PUA stuff you mention in point 4, that DOES get you laid? I’ve read all your ebooks so I’ve got an idea what your response will be, but I’d rather hear the concise, direct answer from your own keyboard.The quick summary answer is only focusing on those specific tasks that move the process forward and doing nothing else. First you need to get her out on a date or meet, so you would only do the things that would secure a date. And nothing else. Then on the date you need to get to sex ASAP, so you would only do the things that would get you to sex quickly. Etc. Farting around, talking too much, cracking jokes, running routines, etc, none of that crap moves the process forward. All it does is satisfy your needy ego and your need for attention. If you want attention, get a dog. I'd rather have sex.
Sundaymorning 2014-02-07 00:32:56
BD, thanks for a great post, which elegantly summarises some of the dilemmas guys hit all the time. Just on the strength of this piece alone, I am certain you know your stuff. Just to add that all this stuff requires a great deal of 'outcome independence' as BD also likes to call it. So be a man who does not depend on things, and even women's fluid opinions of you, to get the job done.
Body vs. Face - The Blackdragon Blog 2015-07-20 05:01:23
[…] For the above two reasons, the 1 to 10 hotness scale is near-useless when discussing large groups of men. Get ten random men together and show them some pictures of women, and you’ll get ten different […]