Get Free Email Updates!
Join us for FREE to get instant email updates!
When Dating Women, Get Excited About The Group, Not The Girl
-By Caleb Jones
Sure enough, I haven't. I have mentioned it in passing, but never explained it fully. So today we're going to discuss what I think is the biggest mental difference between myself (and men like me) and most men when it comes to dating women.
The mindset is this:
When in dating mode / sarging mode, I get excited about the group of women I'm working on, not about any one particular woman.
Feel free to change the phrase "get excited about" to "get emotional about", "get desirous for", "can't stop thinking about", or even "get a little oneitisy for". See, I get really, really excited about the current group of women that I'm working on, which is usually between 6 - 15 women at a time. I'm not going to have sex with all of those women of course...I might only end up having sex with one or two of them, and that's fine.
What I don't do is pick out one woman from the list and say, "OMG I hope I get her!!! She's so HOT! She's so SMART! Oh man, she'd be PERFECT!"
This is the exact opposite of the vast majority of men out there, including most Alpha Male / player / PUA types.
What typical beta males do is pursue one woman, and get oneitis for her and her alone.
What most Alpha / player / PUA types do is pursue a small group of woman at a time, perhaps 3 - 5 women, but they're really excited about one of those women, and consider all the rest of the women on the list as disposable cannon fodder. It's funny to watch...it's almost an Alpha Male version of oneitis.
What This Does NOT Mean
Sometimes I get the impression that people who read my stuff think that when I date / sarge for new women, I'm sitting back like an emotionless robot, pressing buttons on my phone or computer, then stoically going through the motions on first dates. While it's very true I manage my time as best I can, and do have a strict system I work with (because I know it works), that doesn't mean I'm not getting excited about the prospects of being with a new beautiful woman.
Quite the contrary! During these times I'm as excited as the most lovestruck, oneitisy beta male after he's been laid by a woman who is Not Like The Rest™. I check my phone, excitedly looking for new texts. I go to bed thinking about which one (or two, maybe even or three!) of these new beautiful ladies will be my next kickass MLTR (or OLTR!). I look at my spreadsheet with all those active names and do a fist pump in the air. I cheer with giddy excitement when a woman agrees to a second date "at my place". And so on.
Yeah, man! I do all that happy, emotional, irrational, immature shit too! Seriously. I'm a human being just like you are. I'm a man, and let's be real here, all men are teenagers at heart to a degree (especially when it comes to sex and women).
But here's the difference between me and you...I do that for the group, not for any one particular woman. I'm excited about the group of ten women that I'm working on...you're excited about That One Girl. We're feeling the exact same feelings of anticipation, desire, and perhaps even a little...neediness(?). But I'm feeling it for a roster of names, a bevy of beauties, and I have no idea at the outset which ones will end up being new members of my sex life and which ones won't. I barely even care, because they're all wonderful in their own ways, or else I wouldn't be talking to them in the first place. (I am bewildered at all these guys I talk to who open women they find ugly; um...why did you do that?)
You are feeling all this for one particular girl. If you encounter any problems with her, you're pissed off or scared. If I encounter any problems with any particular woman on my list, I shrug and barely notice, then get excited about the other nine women. When you're on a date with your One Girl, you're outcome dependent as all hell, and it affects your game, confidence and performance, and thus, your results. When I'm out on a date, I'm excited to have sex with this new woman too, but I know she's just one name on a large list. If it doesn't work out, I couldn't care less.
This makes me outcome independent, which makes me more confident and attractive. My results reflect this.
Does this mean I want to have sex with all ten women on my "active list" equally? Of course not. There will usually be three or four women on that list I might be a little more excited about than the rest. But three or four is still a hell of a lot better than One. As a matter of fact, during the very rare times I'm dealing with a much smaller list, and I find myself being a little more excited about just one of those names, I immediately check myself, and get my ass out there and add more names to that list. I don't ever want to damage my outcome independence or my frame (and thus, my happiness).
How This Gets Even Worse
Your oneitisy attitude gets even worse if you succeed. That's right, it gets worse. If you actually end up having sex with that One Girl a few times, you're going to lose your frame, lose your balls, start justifying that she's Not Like The Rest™, and then start making promises and compromises to her that...
A) You can't keep
B) Will make you very unhappy later once the NRE wears off
Since I have "oneitis" for the group, none of that ever happens to me. I start dating a new woman in an FB or MLTR relationship, and she's wonderful! But there will be at least one, usually two other women I'm also dating who are also wonderful. There is affection, there is NRE perhaps, there may even be love down the road, but there is never oneitis, nor the pain, fear, drama, and compromises that always accompany it.
This is why getting excited about That One Girl is a double-whammy of death. If you fail, you lose, if you succeed, you lose.
Instead, I always win. The only possible way for me to lose would be to never have sex with any of the ten women I'm working on. Because of the law of averages that never happens. I'm speaking literally here. It's never happened. I've never done a concentrated blitz of openers where I didn't have sex with someone new. Hell, even back when I was first getting started with this stuff back in the old days, I still got laid with dreadful 10-to-1 first date-to-lay ratio. Bad, but I still got laid.
The sooner you learn to get excited about the group you're working on instead of the girl you're working on, the sooner you'll live a happier and more fulfilled life. And by the way, this group vs. individual concept applies to all areas of life, not just in the woman area.
Want over 35 hours of how-to podcasts on how to improve your woman life and financial life? Want to be able to coach with me twice a month? Want access to hours of technique-based video and audio? The SMIC Program is a monthly podcast and coaching program where you get access to massive amounts of exclusive, members-only Alpha 2.0 content as soon as you sign up, and you can cancel whenever you want. Click here for the details.
Get Free Email Updates!
Join us for FREE to get instant email updates!
LarsAvatar 2014-04-20 07:10:26
This is an important topic -- can't say I've ever thought of it before in these terms. Glad you finally gave this topic a blog post of it's own!
Henry 2014-04-20 10:27:11
You have more time than most guys with responsibilities to patients, clients, shareholders, etc.
lazy guy 2014-04-20 10:49:42
Good stuff BD. Keeping in mind that a man simply wants to find the women who instantly respond to him with obvious interest/attraction, for me the challenge is to get myself noticed by enough attractive women per week/month (weeding out all the duds, to find the rare match, often enough) in some way that doesn't feel like it's too boring or time-consuming... guess I've gotta get more creative ... I bust my ass in areas like athletic training, where I know my time & effort will pay off reasonably well enough, or in a decent job with guaranteed decent pay, but with women ... ugh ... the stupid results get to be so tiresome ...
Blackdragon 2014-04-20 11:25:01
for me the challenge is to get myself noticed by enough attractive women per week/month (weeding out all the duds, to find the rare match, often enough) in some way that doesn’t feel like it’s too boring or time-consumingA lot of us have that problem, at least the boring part. I agree that some of the grunt work involved in sarging is often a slog to get through. That's one of the reasons I don't live a sarging lifestyle (I only do it once or twice per year).
LarsAvatar 2014-04-20 11:43:23
@Henry: When I was younger I too decided I didn't have time to get really good at meeting women, and therefore being able to establish a new relationship with a quality woman in a reasonably short period of time, should the need arise. Instead, once I found a woman who was good enough, I went ahead and married her. That worked great for 4 years -- my professional life prospered. But then the problems began to set in soon after having kids. Our sex life died, she gradually let her looks go, and lots of unpleasant interactions. At first all of that is manageable, but after 7 years of it I was such a psychological wreck I was no longer able to hold down my high-paying professional job. I've had to take a much easier job (with a 38% pay cut and child support payments coming out of that) while I put my life back together. This time around, I'm going to put first things first and make sure I *never* get trapped in a situation where I can't get my needs for sexual intimacy met. I'm going to avoid the instant gratification of oneitis and invoke the discipline of delaying gratification by learning how to be excited about the group, not just the one. @Henry, it could be that a long-term relationship with just one woman won't crash and burn as badly as mine did, but that's a helluva risk to take -- I'm too old to take that kind of risk again -- I'll take the time to learn this BlackDragon stuff even though it does slow down the rebuilding of my career (i.e. I can't put in 60 hour weeks right now to advance my career). I delay improving my professional life for the time being because I can't afford another career crash 10 years from now.
PUA Brian Kinney 2014-04-21 08:47:35
What??? I love BD, he's one of the greatest minds in this Manosphere. But! I strongly disagree with your mindset on this matter and with most of the comments above because they reflect the same line of thinking: "Mmmm, You know, I think I don't have the time for chasing many women because of my career/business/gym/insert lame excuse here____________" I want to follow the rules on commenting here but you're pushing me to break them ha ha. Come on guys!!! Find the time!!! We're men and that is our motivation and it has been since many centuries ago. I am too a successful man AND love the thrill of hunting, seducing and also taming beautiful creatures, and the thrill of hunting, is quite a f*****g thing. Believe me. Now, I fully understand you're talking about group efficiency here, but once you have mastered your fundamentals (looks/game/money/style, etc) EVERY SINGLE day (or night) is ridiculously efficient, trust me on this one. BD, you also state that even if you get "that one girl" you lose because you get oneitis but once again is about mastering your fundamentals because one main concept is scarcity vs abundance and since I've put my sh** together (this blog has been of tremendous help) women are the ones who get oneitis not me. This video explains it better than me, specially the pleasure and thrill of hunting and taming I talk about. And in my opinion this is what tons of guys are missing because they "don't have the time to sarge or worse yet they don't like to sarge". I hope it helps. Please watch it besides the "inappropriate content" restriction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBS-Bm-6Wxs And Sean's part is what BD is warning us since a long time ha ha ha, god save us. Finally if you watch the series (strongly recommended) you might remember that Kimber (and many other girls) got serious oneitis for Christian and that's what I'm talking about. PUA Brian Kinney
PUA Brian Kinney 2014-04-21 08:53:46
@LarsAvatar "When I was younger I too decided I didn’t have time to get really good at meeting women" I don't pretend to be disrespectful but, why and how the fu** did you decide that consciously? Something must be wrong
Blackdragon 2014-04-21 11:06:50
I am too a successful man AND love the thrill of hunting, seducing and also taming beautiful creatures, and the thrill of hunting, is quite a f*****g thing. Believe me.You are what I call a Thrill of the Hunt man (vs. a Pleasure of Sex man). It's a concept I've discussed on the forums before but never on this blog. There will be an article coming soon that will explain the difference and why you feel the way you do. Pleasure of Sex men (like myself) do not find the process of seduction enjoyable...only the result. Thrill of the Hunt men LOVE the process. It's a difference in personality type. Again, more on this soon.
BD, you also state that even if you get “that one girl” you lose because you get oneitis but once again is about mastering your fundamentals because one main concept is scarcity vs abundance and since I’ve put my sh** together (this blog has been of tremendous help) women are the ones who get oneitis not meThen you have not violated anything I've said, and I don't think we disagree. If you're not getting oneitis, you're doing this "right".
PUA Brian Kinney 2014-04-21 14:32:27
"Pleasure of Sex men (like myself) do not find the process of seduction enjoyable…only the result. Thrill of the Hunt men LOVE the process. It’s a difference in personality type. Again, more on this soon." Awesome BD! can't hardly wait, just consider I LOVE both the process AND the result EQUALLY and also love the after.
Zures 2014-04-21 18:45:53
@PUA Kenny: "EVERY SINGLE day (or night) is ridiculously efficient, trust me on this one." You need to understand something if you want even a small grasp on the world you're living in: there is nothing efficient about anything anyone does in life. In fact, it's incredibly inefficient. It takes a zillion sperm to make one child; 30 teams to produce a league champion in sports; a bunch of sales calls to get a customer. There is nothing efficient about these processes.
LarsAvatar 2014-04-21 21:19:49
@BrianKinney: Good question! No disrespect taken. Yes, something was very wrong. I had lots of problems in my 20's that were very tough to overcome. I was very skinny (no muscles at all), I looked very young -- I was often asked even into my late 20's what high school I was attending. I had acne throughout my teens and 20's. I was very nerdy, and had zero social skills since I really had no friends since 6th grade (I won't bore you with details of my fucked up childhood). The few timid attempts I made to meet women were all met with either laughter, disbelief, or pity. Compare that with the great progress I was making in building a career and making money. Success at almost every turn. It was fairly easy to decide that meeting women wasn't a worthwhile effort. Now things are different. I've put on good muscle mass. I've gotten over my social shyness. I still look much younger than I am, but that's finally an advantage, not a disadvantage. Because of the internet (not yet developed in my 20's), lots of good coaching is now available on how to overcome my few remaining problems. It's my turn.
PUA Brian Kinney 2014-04-22 08:40:06
@Zures Hi buddy, Look, your reply completely lacks of sense, logic and good reasoning. Here's the Deal: Suppose that you have to complete some task (Task Z) Then, you can use either algorithm A or B to complete your task. Also, you have parameters(time invested, items collected, resources needed, obtained results, etc). It is common sense that either algorithm A or B is going to be better and since any task can be performed by tons of different algorithms choosing the best one that we can is called Efficiency. Now, I'm an expert in probability theory and yes, some events are very unlikely, so what? @LarsAvatar Thanks for your reply, Yes in that particular context it makes sense you've had those thoughts, I'm sorry that you've experienced those result with women and your marriage only made things worse, but now there's no way to go but UP! You sound like a rookie, so here's my humble advice: 1. This "blackdragon stuff" as you called it is a great start because there is solid gold knowledge zipped in this blog, many things will sound counter intuitive and scary but you'll see that they work. 2. As I said before MASTER your fundamentals: body, looks, grooming, social skills, income, manliness, GAME... This blog have great posts on those topics. 3. Choose ONE METHOD and STICK WITH IT for a year at least and practice CONSTANTLY, it is the only way of learning this, I suggest for you the BD system for online dating, when you feel more confident I recommend you to sarge (watch the video in my comment above)it will make you feel powerful and great. 4. Start now and don't be afraid, most of us have been there where you are but impossible is nothing.
Henry 2014-04-22 13:54:29
I definitely look forward to the 'Thrill of the Hunt" v. "Pleasure of Sex" column interlaced with with commentary on the role of old fashioned factors such as logistics, career demands, and location.
Zures 2014-04-22 20:33:12
@PUAKENNY: The definition of efficiency is "the ability to do something or produce something without wasting materials, time, or energy." What you described is one process being more efficient than a different process, which is not the same thing as efficiency. There is always waste occurring, as I pointed out before. I don't see why you're trying to refute this; all the evidence is stacked against you.
PUA Brian Kinney 2014-04-24 07:52:02
@Zures Yes, that is a definition of ABSOLUTE Efficiency BUT! it implies 100% of Efficiency, now consider: 1. You're right there are no procedures completed with 100% of efficiency, but there are systems completed with less efficiency and they're still efficient to some degree, I insist not 100% efficient but efficient anyway. That's common sense and you stated: "there is nothing efficient about anything anyone does in life" And that's what I consider as a complete nonsense. 2. I was not trying to define efficiency just pointing out that there are systems,procedures,algorithms,etc more efficient than others which is undeniable. 3. I just wanted to point out that mastering your fundamentals is the most efficient way I've experienced in terms of seducing women. Good luck!
Wes 2014-04-28 10:11:20
I took so much from this post. This is my favourite quote. "I’m dealing with a much smaller list, and I find myself being a little more excited about just one of those names, I immediately check myself, and get my ass out there and add more names to that list. I don’t ever want to damage my outcome independence or my frame (and thus, my happiness). Thanks for your wise words BD, you have really helped me better understand how to make myself happier.