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Why Women Don’t Lose Weight
I saw this article cross my path, I stopped and read it even though it was written by a woman and aimed at women. The summary of the article is an author/blogger (Jenny Perry, pictured above) lost 60 pounds, going from typical fat American mom to hottie (or at least hottie for her age, for you more picky types).
-By Caleb Jones
This article provides a little insight into why American women not only gain weight, but stay fat once they do. She mentioned how once she lost the weight and started looking hot, she was uncomfortable about how some men started to look at her. However, often she liked it, especially when younger men ogled her at the gym, so this is one of those "I don't like it unless I like it" irrational woman-things. In other words, she liked it when young hot guys stared at her, but when ugly guys at the convenience store started at her, she felt it was "creepy."
How I weep for her. She also ends the article with a bunch of woman language about who all women should embrace their inner beauty, how men shouldn't objectivity women, and all the usual defensive over-33 female stuff you've heard a thousand times. Anyway, these parts of the article are not relevant to my point, but I want to make sure I'm quoting her in context.
Here's what is relevant to my point. She says when she lost the weight:
It was great and I felt pretty... except for a few ugly things. First of all, one of the moms joked that if I lost any more weight, no one would want to hang out with me.
Sad thing was, it wasn't a joke. She goes on:
I already felt that. There was a judgment thing going on and of course jealousy could have been behind it. Also, people don't like when we change. It bugs them out. It makes them confront certain parts of themselves they think they can't change.
Conversations with all of her other fat mom friends became awkward:
Many times when a woman would see I lost weight, she would tell me how they should lose weight or give me excuses why they haven't. I never knew what to say. I'd offer tips, but the conversation never really seemed to be about weight in the end.
And there you go. This is one of the biggest reasons why American women A) get fat and B) stay fat. They look around and see all of their girlfriends also getting fat, especially as they get married.
Women see all their overweight, over-33, married female friends, with the stressed-out attitudes and the short butch haircuts, so naturally, they slowly become one of these women. If they try to lose weight, they get a bunch of social pressure from their female peer group about how bad that is. Since most men are betas, their husbands don't leave them when they get fat, because of neediness, oneitis, and anti-man divorce and custody laws. The husbands will cheat on these women of course, and do so in great numbers, since long-term monogamy doesn't work, but they won't leave. As I've discussed many times before, statistically it is women who end marriages, not men.
Whenever anyone points out that they might be happier and healthier if they weren't fat, they go into a tirade about "inner beauty" or "you're more than your body" or something. What does increased risk of heart attack, diabetes, and cancer have to do with inner beauty? Nothing of course, but screaming about inner beauty sounds good. In an era ruled by emotionalism, people buy that shit. And so we all get fatter, women especially.
None of this is a knock on Ms. Perry, despite some disagreements I have with her. I applaud her. Despite all the pressure from her female peer group to stay the standard, fat, short-haired American mom, she busted through all of that Societal Programming and lost the weight, and now she looks very hot. Congratulations; my hat is off to her. She's done what most chubby women should do. It's also what most chubby men should do (I've lost my fair share of weight, though I'm not done).
The reality is that while America publicly tries to convince women to be skinny, there is equal or greater private Societal Programming that tells women they should be fat, and stay fat. Things like:
"If he's a good man, he'll love you for you, no matter how you look."
"Never let anyone define you by your appearance."
"You're beautiful on the inside."
"I'm not going to be your friend any more if you lose more weight."
"I hate all those skinny bitches! Look at that bitch!"
Any of that sound familiar? Of course it does. Societal Programming at its finest, but this time it's women against women. Us men are on the sidelines, sadly shaking our heads at why women, even young women, gain so much weight.
This is because generally speaking, American women want to be fat. Not all of them, but most of them, especially if you're talking about married women.
Again I will state for the record that this is not an age thing. The vast, vast majority of women I know in their teens and twenties get noticeably fatter every five-year period, so anyone throwing out the usual excuse of "it's hard for a woman to stay skinny as they get older" or "it's hard for a woman to stay skinny after they have kids" is dead wrong and is just making excuses. How do you explain all these overweight twenty-somethings then? Go visit South America some time and look at those women. You'll be quite shocked to see all these super hot SKINNY women in their 40s and 50s. How do you explain them? Age has very, very little to do with this.
It's not about age. It's about Societal Programming.
I don't like it any more than you do. Despite some of her opinions, we need more women like Ms. Perry. We need more women to show women that being fit and attractive is a good thing for a woman, not a bad thing. Again, women need to show them this, because if guys try to do it, we'll be labeled shallow assholes or misogynists, as I'm sure I'll be labeled by women reading this article, even though all I'm doing is stating facts. Oh well. Time to get back to those women who haven't gained weight yet.
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AKA 2014-08-21 06:17:24
It is so true that the woman's gaggle of friends will try to hold her back from losing the weight. My wife lost 30lbs a few years back and lost a lot of friends doing it. Here's why. It wasn't that my wife's friends ostracized her. But the main activity that brought the girls together was lunch, in restaurants. When my wife changed her diet she couldn't eat the restaurant food anymore. She always felt weird bringing her own food into the joint. So the one activity that the girls used to do, was no longer an option for them and they just quit hanging out as much any more. Or they did it without my wife. I am happy for this. I think it has helped her keep the weight off. Most of her girls group was fat, but there were 2 others that were fairly slim and healthy. So I don't think my wife got shunned as much as your example BD. But I'm sure there were some snide remarks passed her way. I will say this tho. Men have tremendous influence over whether the wife gets fat or not. I have consistently and vocally made it clear that I have attractiveness standards that I expect my wife to uphold. I make no secret that I am not happy with a fat wife who doesn't make an effort to be hot for me. I consider her looks to be a reflection on me as a person. Most wives will live up to whatever expectations you have of her. If you demand nothing of her, then that is exactly what you will get. Would my wife let it slide if I just decided to quit my job one day? Hell no. So why should she get a free pass to turn into a land whale?
Jurassic Carl 2014-08-21 07:58:39
I've seen numerous recent brides (friends of friends)cut all their hair off almost immediately after the wedding and then put on 10 plus pounds (and no, not from getting pregnant). They got the prize- the ring- so they seem to feel that they can rest on their laurels.
Marie-Christine 2014-08-21 09:46:50
Hi there, 38 years old mother here and I have to say that I totally agree with your post. In fact the exact same story has happened to me at 35 years old. Over the course of about 9 months I went from a size 9 to a size 0. Besides the major self esteem boost I rapidly noticed startling reactions around me. Of course, I was getting approuval from men but women's reactions were so judgmental and negative. The worst was when they were seeing me with my grade school daugther. I could almost see the disgust in their eyes. And guess what! 3 years later I have not put back on the weight but I have lost all my female friends and have not been able to make a single new one. They still seem to run away from me. Thanks for the post. At least I know that someone else besides my husband and daugther understand.
Blackdragon 2014-08-21 10:48:00
But the main activity that brought the girls together was lunch, in restaurants. When my wife changed her diet she couldn’t eat the restaurant food anymore.I can relate. When I first started losing weight, women, friends, clients, and family members became very uncomfortable when we went out to restaurants and I either brought my own food or didn't eat. I mean it really, really bothered them. Still does. Ah, Societal Programming.
Men have tremendous influence over whether the wife gets fat or not.Disagree, at least in most cases. I realize that's been your experience but your marriage is an exception to the rule in many ways. Do you honestly think all these millions of men with overweight wives also didn't say antyhing about their weight? I'm sure a lot didn't, but I'm also sure a hell of a lot did, and it didn't make any difference.
I’ve seen numerous recent brides (friends of friends)cut all their hair off almost immediately after the wedding and then put on 10 plus pounds (and no, not from getting pregnant). They got the prize- the ring- so they seem to feel that they can rest on their laurels.I still remember the day, about six months after my wedding, when the woman I was married to at the time came home with A) her hair all cut off and B) dyed brown instead of blonde. "Isn't it cute?!?" she said. One of the worst days of my life. (shiver!)
38 years old mother here and I have to say that I totally agree with your post. In fact the exact same story has happened to me at 35 years old. Over the course of about 9 months I went from a size 9 to a size 0.Wow, great job! Email me a pic if you want. I'll keep it private and/or you can crop your head off. I've been losing weight myself and it's been a real battle.
eldm 2014-08-21 10:51:18
and to make matters worse, you get these fat acceptance people pushing their madness onto the world... http://m.imgur.com/DKkQ0Er
Jetsetjim 2014-08-21 11:11:44
My wife is very petite and skinny (5'1", 105lbs) and is basically ostracized by many of the women she works with, who are 30ish chubby, short-haired teachers. She can't figure out why, and I tell her "you're skinny". This is so much a thing, that the only women who DON'T ostracize her are...other attractive, skinny women. I suspect that is why you often see female groups of similar attractiveness- either all thin or all overweight. I also suspect there is a STRONG undercurrent of jealousy- that they worry about the skinny girls "stealing their men". So socially, they avoid couples with a skinny, attractive wife.
POB 2014-08-21 11:24:02
I'm from Brazil and can confirm that 30-40s women here OWN most 20 somethings nowadays. Off course there are superhot teens out there, but older women here just eat better and exercise more on a regular basis. Another diferential is that they'll do this for a very long period of their lives (even if they become married/moms). The bad part is that they are full of drama and behave as most 30-40s around the globe when it comes to relationships and dating, LOL.
Dawson Stone 2014-08-21 11:48:00
The average woman gains 21 lbs during her first year of marriage. She diets down to look good for her wedding pictures, not the partner she has committed her life to. Even wedding vows shriek of "time to get our feed on." The concept that we are to accept someone regardless of how they change until one of us dies is totally ludicrous. And yet that is what society is selling and we as sheep are buying. But let's be honest, men aren't that much better. The average man gains 14 lbs when his wife is pregnant. The problem is that marriage by DESIGN makes people complacent. In fact I will even go so far as to say that COMMITMENT makes people complacent. I know that to keep my market value as high as I can to get the highest quality women I can requires that I be the best version of myself. I briefly let myself go a bit and it was in my last (literally my last) monogamous relationship . People don't lose weight because they are lazy and have become complacent.
Jon 2014-08-21 12:08:46
That's one area where I really lucked out. My ex-wife stayed hot the whole time we were married - no weight gain or hair chopping or anything like that. However...I have sympathy for guys who haven't been as fortunate. I see a lot of late 30s women I know from high school post those "healthy at any weight" type articles that try to make fat women feel better about themselves, guilt trip the rest of us into changing out standards of beauty and vilifying mom's who actually stay in shape - sometimes basically accusing them of child neglect for simply making time to go to the gym. When see that, I imagine what it must be like for their husbands to be married to a woman who is not only currently overweight but also loudly proclaiming to the world she has no intention of ever doing anything about it. Poor guys... 🙁
Korg 2014-08-21 12:37:22
The huffington post. Can't really take that site seriously anymore after reading the 'trust me im lying' book.
Blackdragon 2014-08-21 13:09:15
The problem is that marriage by DESIGN makes people complacent. In fact I will even go so far as to say that COMMITMENT makes people complacent.Yep!
The huffington post. Can’t really take that site seriously anymore after reading the ‘trust me im lying’ book.Well, Arianna Huffington is the most disingenuous political pundit of our time. Ever since her 180 during the California recall election, and even before that, she's done nothing but prove she'll switch sides as soon as money is thrown at her. (Though she's been gone from HuffPo for a while now...again, she sold out.)
Dawson Stone 2014-08-22 00:22:37
@Jon Let's be clear here, staying fit and in shape is only 1/2 the battle. They still have to fuck you. One of the reasons (clearly no the only one) that I married my ex-wife was because she was in insane shape (we met in a gym) and I knew she would never let herself go. And it turn out I was right. She is approaching 50 and is still in amazing shape. Problem is my hot wife rarely fucked me. We had sex 2x the last 1 1/2 years we were married. So yea, you want your wife to remain attractive but she also has to want to have sex with you. One does not always imply the other.
It-Began-In-Africa 2014-08-22 01:54:52
BD, great topic and commentary as always. Here in the UK, a little storm is brewing over Katie Hopkins's assaults on fatties. There is article today in the Guardian, talking about how she's going to put her action alongside her big mouth, by gaining and then shedding a bulk of weight. Great for her. The funny thing is how the readers comments attack her for talking a practical approach, much like the lady you showcase. Here we go: http://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2014/aug/22/katie-hopkins-weight-loss-tv-show
evilwhitemalempire 2014-08-22 03:21:14
"It’s not about age. It’s about Societal Programming." ----------------------- No it's much simpler than that. It's about being a bunch of LAZY, entitled western females. I remember being in the house of a fatty one time. She had an exercise bike. You could write your name on the seat. The dust was THAT thick.
lovergirl 2014-08-22 08:27:48
I think it's true that heavier women CAN be kind of negative towards a skinny attractive one. It is a means of eliminating the competition. A lot of times there is pressure on married women and moms to not dress or appear too sexual as well. Its frowned upon to appear to be trying to attract the attention of men when you are in a committed relationship. Act flirty or look too good in comparison and other wives in your social circle are giving you the catty shunning treatment that women and girls do from the time they are little. I think men too, can unwittingly discourage their wives from looking good. They can do so by NOT letting her know how attractive they find her when she does look nice and take care of herself. Criticism tends to leave someone feeling hopeless rather than help them move towards looking their best. They also can complain about things like how long she takes getting ready, or money spent on beautification and things that seem lazy to men, like tanning or spending hours at the salon or doing our nails and shopping for clothes that flatter. They can make her feel like her taking time out to work out or go to the gym is "selfish" too. So take care not to do those things if you are in a long term relationship.
Jon 2014-08-22 11:37:44
Let’s be clear here, staying fit and in shape is only 1/2 the battle. They still have to fuck you.I agree. We were on a once/week unless she's on her period schedule for most of our marriage. That dropped to zero the month before she asked for a separation and moved in with her boyfriend...
cecilhenry 2014-08-22 13:04:43
The basis of liberalism and equality is ENVY. A very destructive motivation.. And you see it here in the fat acceptance movement. Nobody is better than anyone means YOU cannot be better, and YOU cannot be free. Disgusting
lazy guy 2014-08-23 08:14:48
Misery loves company. The syndrome of lobsters in a pot is common. Tell people in your circle that you are working toward bettering yourself, and they often respond with subtle negativity, hoping you'll fail. It's insidious, perhaps an act of betrayal. If you start improving, climbing, etc, others may feel threatened, resentful, abandoned, betrayed, etc. Relationships include unspoken agreements. If one person changes, then the relationship must be renegotiated, or it ends. This is rarely addressed.
KDN6 2014-08-23 13:11:04
lovergirl, I am in complete agreement with you. Not only women but certain men who are so insecure will complain and even demand that their partner/wife or whatever should not be so "revealing" or "hot looking" when going out. It didn't matter if it was to the local mall or to a social or workplace gathering or a night out on the town. I just don't get it. When I was with my ex, I was extremely proud of how good she looked. Hell, I even encouraged it, because it got me so excited to see other men salivating over her, and my DHV, Social Proof, and confidence levels went through the roof when other women would give her the "stink eye" for looking "too damn fine". I find it ridiculous how some men can be so insecure and hilarious how envious some overweight women get just because there is a prettier woman in the next room. These reactions have nothing to do with how hot the girl is and has everything to do with how these people feel about themselves, that is, how they are unwilling to change or improve for their own good.
Gabriel 2014-09-04 19:14:27
I'm in agreement with this post as well as Dawson's comment from 8/21. I enjoy the presence of fit, feminine women. http://gabrielking182.tumblr.com/post/96167626962/a-salute-to-the-fitties-in-the-fitfam
34 guy 2014-09-15 02:28:14
I knew a female friend. Around 20 she was really skinny. She got fat around 30, mostly because she spent most of her life at home with her fat mother. Once she tried to lose weight, but now I understand that it was her fat mother who was her best friend(!) who kept her in the fat state through overfeeding. They were really attached to each other.
Long Time Lurker 2014-09-19 20:40:50
Hey BD! I'm from old FS, still remember Jay. Have you considered hypnosis? DAFS Ideal Weight by Paul Scheele. It's a recording, $30 or so, with money back guarantee. I listened to it. I'm stuck at 188 lbs, 6'2. I don't really exercise much. When I look in the mirror and see love handles forming, I get an urge to exercise. Sometimes, I get these desires. Like I want to stop eating meat for a while. Or something else, like no desire for sweets. That's body's autopilot working and this recording does activate it. Try it, not much to lose. While at it, I'd also recommend his Ultimate You library. I used it and tracked results, it's awesome. You may even use that library for your weight loss. It's 40 recordings to listen to over 40 days (optimum time span for lasting change). It attacks the problem from different angles. If losing weight is a struggle, there might be subconscious reasons for you to keep the weight. Exercise and diet alone doesn't work in those cases. Try it, there may be some erroneous deep-seated belief that prevents you from losing weight. I know I uncovered some beliefs in my case. Good luck!
Long Time Lurker 2014-09-19 20:49:49
I'll take the comment about not exercising back. I dance and do some stuff at home about 2x let week. It's still worth listening to the recording.
Blackdragon 2014-09-20 19:33:10
Interesting. I'll look into it.
K 2015-09-02 08:26:48
I like keeping my trim hourglass figure but for some weird reason watching and touching my bf's soft and full belly makes me soo wet and horny. The best lover I ever had was thin like a stick. He was an alpha and he and I had a strong connection for years. But when I pleasure myself, now as in the past, I fantasize about / look at / read about, uhm, sensual fat people (men and women). I did this since I was 6 or so (at that time I had no idea what I was doing, of course). Is there any statistical or scientific explanation for this?
Blackdragon 2015-09-02 14:07:02
Is there any statistical or scientific explanation for this?You like whatever is new and current. Your current (and likely somewhat new) BF is chubby, so that's what you like. If your next BF is skinny, you'll like that. Etc. It's how (most) women work.