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The 20 Second Rule
-By Caleb Jones
The main reason men don't like this technique is because they're usually monogamous and thus scared to death that they might lose their only source of recurring sex. I can't really do much about that one, other than to repeat my advice to never be monogamous in the first place, and always have 2-4 FBs, MLTRs, or an OLTR on rotation, so you can soft next any of them without worrying about damaging your ongoing sex life.
Today I'm going to talk about the second reason men fear using the soft next. This is the objection that women never "get a chance" to tell you what's wrong if you're always nexting them all the time. "What if she has a point?" these men often ask. "What if there's a legitimate issue she's trying to raise?"
I only next a woman if she gives me drama. As I've said before, if a woman in my life comes to me with a problem she's upset about, and explains it to me in a calm tone of voice, and in the spirit of collaboration rather than bitching, venting, or attacking, that's not drama. Thus I'll happily discuss it with her all she likes. No nexting needed.
Drama has a very specific definition. Nicely coming to me about a problem she wants to fix isn't drama. I have never recommended to anyone that they soft next the woman in their life just because she said anything negative, and anyone who says I've said or implied that is misquoting me (likely on purpose).
Therefore, any woman in my life is completely free to bring any problems to me without fear of getting nexted...as long as they're calm and adult about it. But if she screams at me, insults me, or uses passive aggressive moves against me like restricting sex or the silent treatment, then yep, she'll get an instant soft next, and I'll go have sex with someone else. But remember, she's choosing to behave that way. No one is making her. How she chooses to communicate with me is 100% her fault.
Now what if she starts screaming at me, but what she's saying is technically correct? Or, what if she's insulting me, but she's not exactly screaming at me? In other words, what if she's giving me drama, but not quite to the level of a soft next yet?
Enter the 20 second rule. I've mentioned this before but never gone into detail about it.
The 20 Second Rule
The 20 second rule means that any woman I'm dating has 20 seconds to scream her head off at me if she's upset and say whatever she wants. After 20 seconds, if she's still screaming / insulting / passive-aggressiving / whatever, she gets an instant soft next, and I go on with my happy life. However, if after 20 seconds she's calm again, no next occurs and life goes on as before.
This means I will give her a warning to let her know she's enacted the 20 second rule. As soon as she starts raising her voice, or as soon as she hurls one insult or demand at me, even a tiny one, I'll calmly say something like, "You've got 20 seconds to say your peace, then you need to calm down, or you know what's going to happen." Then I shut up, sit back, and let her unload on me with no interruption...but just for 20 seconds.
Once her 20 seconds are up, if she's calmed down, I will either change the subject, with a promise to discuss it later (which I will), or (less often) we will continue to discuss the issue as adults. However, if we do this, she doesn't get another 20 second clock during the continuing conversation. If she loses it again, instant soft next! This is why I will usually say, "Got it. Let's discuss this tomorrow when we're both calmer." Otherwise I'm asking for another drama-spurt and thus a soft next. (Though I soft next without hesitation when needed, ideally I don't want to have to soft next her if it's not necessary.)
Why 20 seconds? This is why:
It only takes 20 seconds for you to tell someone why they upset you.
Really. It only takes 20 seconds for your special lady to tell you why she's pissed. She doesn't need to go on and on for a half an hour. 20 seconds is more than enough, and I'm being really super generous when I say 20 seconds.
Don't believe me? Alright, I'll prove it.
"It hurt me yesterday when you said my sister was a bitch." That's all she has to say to you. Seriously. Say that sentence out loud. It only takes about three seconds to say. She doesn't have to go on and on about how you're a completely insensitive asshole and how her sister is a wonderful angel and how you need to shut the fuck up and keep your opinions to yourself blah blah blah blah.
At that point, she's not collaborating or problem-solving; she's just venting. And venting is drama. And drama is unacceptable (or at least should be if your goal is long-term, consistent happiness; some of you guys kinda like drama so I guess you dudes can ignore all this advice and do whatever you want).
This applies to just about any problem in your relationship you can think of.
"You fucked my best friend! I told you not to do that!"
"OMG you were 15 minutes late picking me up! You completely fucked up my schedule!"
"You never take me out on romantic dates."
"You know, I really don't like it when you talk on your phone while we're out to dinner."
None of those things take longer than about four or five seconds to say. Go back and read them out loud if you don't believe me. By giving her a whopping 20 seconds, I'm really being nice. I'm letting her state the problem plus letting her vent for about another 15 seconds. If any woman seriously makes the argument that she needs to bitch and complain about something you did for longer than 20 seconds, then damn, you've got a drama queen on your hands, and it's time to downgrade her to FB if you haven't already (again, unless you enjoy drama).
I used to do this naturally for several years until I got the idea solidified from a crazy right-wing talk show host named Mark Levin. Since he's a conservative, I disagree with almost all of his political opinions, but he has one technique on his talk show that's pure genius. He calls it the "20 Second Liberal Clock." It's hilarious.
A left-wing liberal will call into his show, and as soon as the liberal says something, well, liberal, Levin will say, "Uh oh! We've got liberal over here! Okay! 20 second liberal clock! Go!" Then he starts a 20-second timer, and that liberal can say literally whatever he wants. He can rant and rave about all the left-wing crap he likes, even personally attack Levin. During that entire time, Levin is quiet and doesn't interrupt. Then, once the 20 seconds are over, Levin says, "Time's up! Now it's my turn," and then he starts in.
This is exactly what I do when a woman in my life gives me drama (which is admittedly rare, since drama is usually a manifestation of monogamy, not open or poly relationships). For 20 seconds she can scream her head off and say whatever she wants without reprisals. After 20 seconds, she needs to calm down. Or get soft nexted.
If you're a more Alpha 2.0 type of guy who loves happiness and hates drama, I highly recommend the 20 second rule for any drama management. It's a very fair way to soft next women while still giving them a chance to air their concerns in a dramatic way. Sometimes, a woman just needs about 20 seconds to be a bitch, then she calms down and everything is fine. Even if she keeps going and you have to soft next her, at least she knows you gave her a chance. Extremely effective.
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Jean 2015-03-26 05:46:23
Quick question. I have been soft nexting a bitch that gave me tremendous drama for the past two weeks. However, I still talk to some of her friends. Those people tells her what she wants to know about how I am doing etc. Is it a proper way to execute a soft next? Since she began doing that she stopped sending me text messages so I guess she gets what she wants. Also, some time she grabs the phone from her friend’s hand and begin to talk to me without asking permission. That freak me out.
Obeyx 2015-03-26 05:54:06
To the above comment I really think it's impossible to soft next a woman whom you share a great deal of social circle with. It just sounds like a mess. You're woman will use her friends as a proxy of info in order to check up on your current status. I mean these are women we're talking about here.
Obeyx 2015-03-26 05:57:24
Unless you soft next the entire social group of her friends, then yeah there's a solution.
Diggy 2015-03-26 07:08:56
@jean. I think the point is to remove drama not just keep soft nexting her. Maybe its time to just remove her entirely. If I have to constantly soft next it starts to feel like a game to me, I dont like games, so Ill just move on.
Steve 2015-03-26 07:21:12
A huge thank you to you Black Dragon. ive been following your blog for some time and recently started gettibg drama and less sex from my six month long girlfriend. The relationship stopped, but we stayed kn touch for a while. Finally I followed your advice to use a soft next. Meanwhile I have met a few other women and really enjoyed myself. It was very hard to not contact my old girl and I really believed there would be no more. Last night after only 2 weeks of soft next she contacted me begging for sex! Of course I will see her, but will also continue seeing the new buddies Ive found.! This stuff really works !
Andrian 2015-03-26 08:33:56
Black Dragon you are an evil genious man. Love this tactic. Abundance mentality at its best.
Blackdragon 2015-03-26 11:23:45
Quick question. I have been soft nexting a bitch that gave me tremendous drama for the past two weeks. However, I still talk to some of her friends. Those people tells her what she wants to know about how I am doing etc. Is it a proper way to execute a soft next?Yep. As long as she's not hearing it from you directly, it's fine. In some ways it actually helps you, assuming you're doing a lot of fun/interesting/great things with your life.
Since she began doing that she stopped sending me text messages so I guess she gets what she wants.What she wants is direct attention from YOU, and if she's not getting that, she's not getting what she wants.
Also, some time she grabs the phone from her friend’s hand and begin to talk to me without asking permission.Okay, NOW you've fucked it all up. As soon as you talk to her like that you've completely destroyed the soft next. If a woman ever does something like that during the nexting period, you need to immediately hang up as soon as two words come out of her mouth. If you actually sit there and listen to her, or worse, say something back to her, you lose, soft next destroyed.
To the above comment I really think it’s impossible to soft next a woman whom you share a great deal of social circle with. It just sounds like a mess. You’re woman will use her friends as a proxy of info in order to check up on your current status.It's certainly more difficult, yes. But impossible? No. I've done it. And I'll say it again: She can hear all about you second-hand from friends or Facebook. That's perfectly fine, and in some cases, good. It's fine as long as she's not hearing it directly from you via voice, texts, or direct messages. The point of the soft next is not to hide. It's to remove attention. There's a big difference.
If I have to constantly soft next it starts to feel like a game to me, I dont like games, so Ill just move on.Correct. When I actually have to soft next a woman, it's rare I'll have to do it again to the same woman in at least 6 months, sometimes a year, sometimes never. If you have to keep soft nexting a woman over and over again, you've got a drama-bitch on your hands, and you need to HARD next her, or worst case, massively downgrade her to just a wham-bam-thank-you-maam FB you see only sporadically.
Last night after only 2 weeks of soft next she contacted me begging for sex! Of course I will see her, but will also continue seeing the new buddies Ive found.! This stuff really works !Yep. Soft nexting is the single, most powerful, most effective tool a man can use in his relationship life. When guys actually get the balls to try it the first time, they're always shocked at how well it works. I certainly was. That's why men who refuse to do it are missing out on some of greatest joys a woman can offer a man.
MortPUA.com 2015-03-26 13:03:36
Good advice, BD. I've never tried soft-nexting girls. I'd always just hard-next them and have to work hard to get other girls onto my rotation. One question though, from your experience, would it be necessary for them to have been on your rotation for a while or can you do it with new girls also? Mort
Blackdragon 2015-03-26 13:37:55
would it be necessary for them to have been on your rotation for a while or can you do it with new girls also?If you've had sex with her at least twice on two separate occasions, you can soft next her, and it will work. So yes, it works on both old and new relationships. When it does not (necessarily) work is during the dating/seduction phase, before you've had sex with her. Soft nexting is a relationship technique, not a pickup technique.
POB 2015-03-26 18:15:34
What if for some reason you take longer than a week to resume the relationship?
Marco Polo 2015-03-27 00:57:40
I am quite comfortable with relationships with women and my journey into the Game has more than 10 years old history. Yet,I was never able to execute a soft next.After a 7 days period of silence 9 out of 10 cases a woman would just not reply to my attempts to contact her.Not sure what I do wrong.
ETA 2015-03-27 07:07:34
Does it ever happen to you to be the one to cause drama, or react emotionally to something that frustrates you. Howif it happens, how do you or your partner deal with that?
Blackdragon 2015-03-27 09:56:41
What if for some reason you take longer than a week to resume the relationship?That's fine.
I was never able to execute a soft next.After a 7 days period of silence 9 out of 10 cases a woman would just not reply to my attempts to contact her.Not sure what I do wrong.If this happened with multiple women, you did something very wrong during the relationship. Soft nexting works great, but it's not a magic bullet that fixes everything you did wrong if you didn't follow the usual rules (only see them once a week, don't act to boyfriendish, make them cum every time you have sex, etc).
Does it ever happen to you to be the one to cause drama, or react emotionally to something that frustrates you.Never. I'm a very happy, low-drama man. If a woman pisses me off, I just shrug, next, and have sex with someone else. No drama is required. A lot of other men have this problem though, particularly Alpha 1.0s, or sometimes high-stress betas.
if it happens, how do you or your partner deal with that?1. Ask yourself, "Why do I care? Does this really matter so much? Enough to actually make me upset and give someone drama?" Always remember that giving drama means you're outcome DEPENDENT. Really examine why you give a shit so much about something that probably doesn't matter. (Likely it means you fear something or you are getting oneitis. Again, examine why.) The point is, figure it out so you don't do it again. 2. Force yourself to take three deep breaths and calm down. Leave the room if you have to. Go cool off by yourself. 3. If you really lose it, apologize. Don't apologize then and there; that will often cause a long "discussion" and/or more drama or betaization. Apologize later, but do apologize. 4. Repeat step one and figure out why you're so reactive so you don't do it again. Unless someone does something truly horrible, like try to murder your mom, happy, outcome independent, low-stress men don't fly off the handle at a woman. They just shrug it off and go do something else (or someone else).
JohnnySixpack 2015-03-27 10:34:26
I have employed the soft next with great success. This blog AND the BD books I have purchased have changed my life. Here's a soft next conundrum: Solid 8 Russian girl (36D 10 years younger than me) I've been seeing for 7 months. Weekly meet-ups for mind-numbingly fantastic sex. Opened her horizons sexually. Occasional nights out for a drink, we would occasionally buy each other dinner or breakfast out (it was a running joke to watch people's reactions when she would shell out for the meal). We had the talk early on about how I was not interested in an exclusive relationship, etc...sexually dominant frame from the get go. I would say she was firmly in MLTR territory. One morning she came over and I threw her on my bed--right onto a very red hair that did not belong to this blonde Russian. You could hear her vagina snap shut. She said she had to go, that she couldn't be "just another girl". I was non reactive--told her she knew I wasn't exclusive and I loved our time together but she had to make her own choice on that--I wasn't changingthe way I lived my life. She said she needed to find a nice man who appreciated her. I told her that was a great idea, and she should find that. I would be around and the door was open. Heavy make out session ensued and then she left. Didn't contact for 3 days and texted her to meet up. Some banter about "didn't we say goodbye?" And a lot of emoticons. Eventually saying she was booked for the night. I sent a "K, have fun" and left it at that. In the meantime: back to the other plates. No sitting around sulking, but I would like to salvage because I think if I can bring her back in she'll always view me as a safe place to come back to for the kind of NSA sex she really gets off to. BD, you've talked about Eastern European girls before, and I'm seeing the challenges you've talked about first hand. I tried the soft next (3 days--not for yelling, but for challenging the non-exclusivity thing) This seems like it may be a LSNFTE on her part without any specific dude mentioned Since she was flirty but didn't meet up, would you wait at least 2 months prior to recontacting to see if she initiates first? That's my gut. Or maybe ping her after just a month? The sex was good, I'm thinking she'll be back for more. What do the spreadsheets say BD--percentages?
ETA 2015-03-27 12:12:24
Thanks for the quick response. The reason I asked is that even as an Alpha, there will times your frame will be shaken. The greater the man you want to become the greater the challenges you will take. That can cause stress and frustration that you might bring into your relationship. I guess the fundamentals to managing conflicts still apply at any level of personal growth. I've already applied point 1 & 3 in my life, not just for my relationships but for anything that irritates/frustrates me. Sometimes just by understanding what's bothering you, gets rid of the frustration, brcause you get more frustrated/irritated when you don't know what's irritating you. Then once you know what it is you can consciously decide if you want to let it affect you. 3. Whenever something frustrates me about someone's behaviour, I usually try to tell them while I'm not angry/irritated. Otherwise, They will remember how I said it and not what i said, and that will bring in more anger/drama!
JJ Roberts 2015-03-27 16:17:22
Only takes one second to slap someone across the face. Then what?
Blackdragon 2015-03-27 19:10:59
Since she was flirty but didn’t meet up, would you wait at least 2 months prior to recontacting to see if she initiates first?Yep. And yes, women from any former Soviet Union country who now live in the West are without a doubt the hardest women to date. Always reduce your odds of success in both seduction and relationships when dealing with this kind of woman.
Only takes one second to slap someone across the face. Then what?HARD next. Physical violence is always a hard nextable offense, no exceptions. Particularly in a society like this one where if you physically defend yourself against a woman physically assaulting you, YOU will be the one going to jail when the cops arrive.
Jimmy Cobs 2015-03-28 03:59:05
OK so i SFNX this girl and we haven't seen each other for 6 months but she contacts me every 1-2 weeks I respond cordially. But she doesnt offer to meet. If she texts again should i respond or just ignore her,
jean 2015-03-28 10:50:10
Physicao violence = hard next? Buy what or she slaps you but not too hard so that it seems acceptable even if ils done with anger? Most of the time, it escalates with time, she slaps you a little bit harder every time so that she ends up hitting you hard.
Blackdragon 2015-03-28 12:25:11
OK so i SFNX this girl and we haven’t seen each other for 6 months but she contacts me every 1-2 weeks I respond cordially. But she doesnt offer to meet. If she texts again should i respond or just ignore herRespond and pitch a meet.
Physical violence = hard next?Yep.
Buy what or she slaps you but not too hard so that it seems acceptable even if ils done with anger?If a woman slaps in me anger she's fuckin' OUT. I don't care if it doesn't hurt or its "not too hard." Most women are small and I'm a huge guy, so it's not going to physically hurt anyway. It's not about the intensity of the violence or the physical pain it causes. It's because of what you just said: if you allow it, it will get worse. I think all men should have an absolute zero-tolerance policy when it comes to woman-on-man violence. Just my opinion (backed by a lot of facts).
POB 2015-03-29 05:04:05
I dont know if it's a little off topic, but what about asians? Do the same rules apply to them? They seem soooo hard to bed that usually I dont even waste my time.
Blackdragon 2015-03-29 12:05:29
I dont know if it’s a little off topic, but what about asians? Do the same rules apply to them?It works with all races. Race is irrelevant here.
They seem soooo hard to bed that usually I dont even waste my time.WTF? Asians are just as easy to have sex with as white girls, perhaps even easier. I think you're just talking about one or two Asians in particular. I've never had a problem with Asians whatsoever.
Lauren 2015-03-30 15:00:57
I love your blog, I've read most articles and became fascinated how you always give pointers to solve situations. I followed your advice from your article 'the importance of ignore her after the breakup', he dumped me because he got oneitis for some online chick from another country, he never met her and she asked for exclusivity lol. After 17days no contact he came back, unblocked me on social media and is trying to get me back, I guess the other woman won't visit him anymore. He said that I'm the only girl he met who showed a backbone and didn't stalk, nag, beg after a breakup. I just did what you told. My question is: can I use your other tips with men? such as if he is very handsome/popular I better don't give him compliments? soft next when he starts drama? I'm new to dating (was married for 9years) and most guys I've met lately acts like girls, always some drama, they act needy and unsure, it's too stressful for me. The few men I tried to date don't behave like you advise in your articles at all. I wish I was born a man so I would follow all your advices and be a happy person.
Blackdragon 2015-03-30 16:30:49
can I use your other tips with men?It really depends.
such as if he is very handsome/popular I better don’t give him compliments?No. You can give him compliments. Men don't process compliments the way women do within a sexual context.
soft next when he starts drama?Yes. Soft nexting will work on men. (As you've already demonstrated.)
The few men I tried to date don’t behave like you advise in your articles at all.Oh yes, I know. Most men in the dating world behave the exact opposite of what I advise.
Alejandro 2015-04-01 13:12:27
Should you read whatsapp messages from her during a soft next? )I ask because whatsapp tells her I read it)
Blackdragon 2015-04-01 15:26:57
Should you read whatsapp messages from her during a soft next? )I ask because whatsapp tells her I read it)No. A soft next is the removal of ATTENTION. If she still clearly sees you're still giving her ATTENTION, then it isn't a real soft next.
POB 2015-04-02 00:45:48
Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. I was talking about real asians, those who are born and live in Asia. All that I've met are really tight and religious, although I'm pretty sure they would love to share the bed with a foreigner. On the other hand the "western ones" are horny as hell and I couldn't agree more.
Leo 2015-04-02 06:48:19
I know this blog is intended for not married men, but is there any way that soft next could be applied in a monogamous relationship context?
Blackdragon 2015-04-02 11:49:37
I was talking about real asians, those who are born and live in Asia. All that I’ve met are really tight and religious, although I’m pretty sure they would love to share the bed with a foreigner. On the other hand the “western ones” are horny as hell and I couldn’t agree more.Again I disagree, but it probably depends on the country. Women in China LOVE white dudes. I know a few white guys in Japan who do very well. I didn't have much trouble when I was there either. And shit, in the Philippines they are so horny it's literally the easiest place to get laid for a white man on planet Earth. (Ugly women though.) I would imagine that Korean women living in Korea would be extremely difficult however. So again, it may be country-dependent.
I know this blog is intended for not married men, but is there any way that soft next could be applied in a monogamous relationship context?Not if you're married. Soft nexting is impossible if you live with someone. (Unless your living arrangement is very unusual, as I describe in my ebooks.)
POB 2015-04-04 04:48:08
And shit, in the Philippines they are so horny it’s literally the easiest place to get laid for a white man on planet Earth. (Ugly women though.)Never been there, thx for the warning. Problem is I'm not "that" white. Nor "that" black. So yeah, I'm pretty sure they don't usually dig my physical frame that much. It's probably more of a mental block, I get it, but even where I live asians don't throw me a bone when I get to them.