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Letting Emotions Rule You
-By Caleb Jones
Rick is a longtime friend of mine. We’ve been buddies since we were both in school, going back over 25 years. I don’t see him often these days but I consider him a life-long friend.
Rick is very good looking and charismatic. In school, this used to really piss me off because the girls who knew both of us always wanted to get with Rick instead of me. Even my sisters wanted to get with Rick. That’s the kind of guy he was (and still is).
He’s not quite an Alpha. He’s what I’ve called a “cool beta” or “confident beta,” that type of beta who is a little more confident and lies more towards the Alpha side of the scale, but is still clearly a beta. He was in demand among women, and he would date hot girls, but he got oneitis often and always quickly jumped into monogamous relationships, suffering all the usual problems monogamous men have. I, on the other hand, never had a girlfriend until I was 25 years old, by choice. I preferred to play around with friends with benefits instead.
Rick’s parents had a lot more money than my parents (hell, all my friends’ parents had more money than my parents). So after high school he went to college and then medical school. As he got older he clearly formulated his “type.” He was into hot Asian girls. He was a white dude like me, but unlike me he started going after Asian women who, in his words, had “tight little bodies.” Being good looking himself, he had no problem getting them.
In med school he met one of these Asian women, a girl from SE Asia named Suzi. As was usually the case for Rick, he got oneitis almost instantly. He fell fast and hard and got monogamous as quickly as possible. Suzi, being a traditional Asian girl, was delighted. She had snagged a good looking, white, American boyfriend from a family with money who was going places.
Rick and Suzi completed med school and got married. Of course, they didn’t sign a prenup. Rick started his own medical practice, and Suzi assisted him in the office once or twice a week. Soon, they had two kids and Rick became successful. This was fun for us, because he was becoming successful in his medical practice around the same time I was becoming successful in my consulting practice.
That was the good news. Here’s the bad news. Rick’s marriage was... interesting to say the least. His wife ran his life. No, I’m not just saying that. I’m being literal.
All the money Rick made in his practice he gave to Suzi. She would pay all the bills, buy all the stuff, and give Rick a tiny allowance. I believe it was $60 a week. He was never allowed to spend any more money than that. (Imagine a doctor with his own practice making $60 a week.)
“I haven’t written a check in over nine years,” he told me once.
I used to run my profit and loss statements and get excited about hitting my financial goals. (I still do this.) I would ask him how much money he made in the last year, and he would say, “I don’t know. Suzi takes care of all that.”
“Wait a minute,” I said, “You literally don’t know? You don’t know how much money you make?”
“Nope,” he said, with an embarrassed look.
Being first generation Asian, Suzi would also send Rick’s money to her relatives all over the world, to the tune of thousands of dollars a month. Rick didn’t like it, and complained about it often, but Suzi would tell him “that’s just how a marriage is!” and he would walk away grumbling.
Suzi drove the nice, new, fancy SUV. Rick drove a little piece of shit sedan that was several years old. Suzi told Rick exactly how to run his medical practice, exactly what classes to take, what equipment to buy, who to hire and fire, etc. Like the typical beta, Rick grumbled and argued, but obeyed.
One day Rick invited me to see The Two Towers with him at the movie theater. We both loved Tolkien and Dungeons and Dragons as kids, so I told him hell yeah. He then sheepishly told me that he wasn’t allowed to hang out with friends his wife had never met, so that she had to come with us to the movie to “approve” me as “appropriate” for him to hang out with.
I asked him if she liked Lord of the Rings too, and he said no, she hated it. She was literally going to get a babysitter and watch a three-hour movie she hated, just to make sure I was an appropriate friend and that her husband didn’t do what he wasn’t allowed to do (whatever that was; it was a long list).
I laughed, called him a pussy, and said I didn’t give a shit. At that point I was married as well, and my wife at the time didn’t care what I did in my free time.
Sure enough, the three of us went to see the movie. She was stern and quiet the entire time. He was awkward and embarrassed. Afterwards, he happily told me that she “approved” of me because I was married and I didn’t drink. From that point forward, he was “allowed” to spend time with me without her. We saw movies and went to UFC fights, where he complained about his marriage.
The entire thing was horrifying to watch. I felt sorry for Rick. However, since everything in your life is your fault, this marriage was his fault. He could have dumped that bitch whenever he wanted, but he didn't. Despite the pain and prison-like existence, he choose to stay with her anyway like a good little beta.
Many years later, Rick finally snapped. One day he was at a strip club. How he got there without his wife finding out, I don’t know. There, he met a stripper, and fell in love with her. Being typical Rick, he got oneitis hard and fast.
I don’t have many details about this next part, but at some point his wife found out. Not only was Rick cheating, but he was actually in love with his mistress.
Rick and Suzi got divorced. Rick was mercilessly raked over the coals. She got everything - the house, the cars, the kids, and most the investments. Rick was able to retain his medical practice, but the judge forced him give half the ownership to Suzi. Since Rick had no money to buy her out, he took out a loan for 50% of his practice, paid her, and then started making massive loan payments to the bank.
During all of this, Rick moved in with the stripper and got her pregnant by accident. Soon he had a third child.
The last time I saw Rick, he was so stressed out that he could barely see straight. He had to pay alimony and child support of titanic proportions to the ex-wife, a massive monthly loan to the bank, plus support his new girlfriend (who at that time didn’t work) and their new son. Even though Rick’s a good looking, intelligent, successful doctor with a six-figure income, he’s completely destitute. Now in his early 40s, he’s fucked for life.
When Emotion Rules You
This story is not unique. I could tell you many other true stories of otherwise capable, intelligent, skilled, educated men who have completely destroyed their lives because they constantly make their relationship decisions with their hearts or cocks instead of their brains. I’m sure you probably know a guy or two like this (or perhaps are one yourself). Guys like this:
1. Men who got the wrong women pregnant by accident because they were stupid and didn’t use protection, or trusted her when she said she was “on the pill” or “couldn’t get pregnant.”
2. Men who married the wrong women (and of course didn’t sign a prenup).
3. Men who moved in with the wrong women.
4. Men who had babies on purpose with the wrong women.
5. Men who got incurable STDs by not using condoms when they knew they should have.
6. Men who stay in high-drama relationships with bitchy girlfriends.
7. Men who stay in shitty marriages with dominant, nonsexual wives because they’re too afraid to get divorced.
The list goes on and on.
Your emotions were not designed to make decisions. That’s what your rational mind is for. This is the way life works - you make major decisions with your mind and then reinforce them with your heart.
The problem is too many of you fuckers have this exactly backwards. You make major decisions with your heart, and then once you’re stuck in your new bad situation, you use your mind to defend your ego and justify your dumbass decision.
Whenever you get the urge to move in with a woman, or marry a woman, or promise monogamy to a woman, or cum inside a woman, or not leave a woman who is treating you like shit, COME TO A COMPLETE STOP. Stop, pause and THINK for a minute. Take three or four deep breaths. Calm your emotions down, so that your rational mind can start working again just long enough to steer you away from disaster.
Making little decisions with your emotions, like whether to order the chicken or the steak for dinner, is perfectly fine. But, for the love of god, don’t ever make big decisions with your emotions. That’s not what your emotions are for. Your emotions are there to excite you and power your motivation, after you make a good choice with your logical, rational mind.
That’s how I use my emotions. Every day I use them to bolster my motivation for my big goals in life; goals I used my rational mind (for the most part) to determine. When I get excited and my emotions start pushing me in a direction that I know will cause unhappiness for me later in life, I tell my emotions to shut the hell up. (I describe this in detail in in my book when I discuss your inner caveman.)
Is this easy to do? No. Just like any technique, it takes practice. I also admit that doing this is easier for some personality types than others. It’s still not an excuse.
Never use your emotions to make your big life decisions. Or else you’ll end up like Rick.
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Tony 2015-07-14 11:28:04
I'm jealous of how much women like him, but I would rather be celibate for the rest of my life than be in the situation he's in. Of course I'm sure if you had told him about the enormous risk he was taking when he made these decisions people would call you an asshole and he'd dismiss them. I'm also pretty jealous of Suzi. I wish I could just marry a doctor and then never have to work again. 50% of that practice must be a ton of money, not to mention all the other assets she got.
Amanda 2015-07-14 12:10:33
Wow. This reminds me of a guy I went to school with who got married recently (my mom is friends with his mom). He makes $200K per year and is a good-looking guy, but married a woman who sounds a lot like Suzi. She's very controlling, to the point that she asked his mom to return the dress she had purchased for the wedding because it was the "wrong shade of blue"! I was incredulous that he still married her! Now, he's hired a contractor to build her dream home, exactly to her specifications ... of course, it's all coming out of his pocket. I always hear about these "bridezillas" who act horribly in the months leading up to the wedding, yet in most cases the wedding still happens. I'm never sure if the guys who proceed think this behavior is normal and "comes with the territory," or if they secretly like having someone else handle everything. I don't think anyone could look at the situation logically and believe that the behavior and bad attitude will suddenly stop after the marriage has taken place ... it's likely to stay the same or get worse over time. But then again, they're probably not thinking about it logically, but rather emotionally.
Jack Outside the Box 2015-07-14 13:49:55
See, this is what happens when you fuck with low sex drive women, prudes, traditional conservatives, third world refugees, virgin-types, gold diggers (in the case of that stripper) and "nice girls." Basically, any woman who thinks being equal to a man in the bedroom is "cheap" will be a controlling supremacist bitch who will treat you like a child. The only women any man in the manosphere should be dealing with are sexually enlightened and high sex drive women. And it's not just for the wild sex. It's for the respect, the equality, and for the woman's lack of interest in using sex as a bargaining chip. Female supremacist - I won't have sex with you because I'm mad at you. Enlightened woman - I'm mad at you so we must have sex because you need to make it up to me. I weep for the slut shamers and their self hatred. I weep for the slut shaming portion of the manosphere which wants to find "good wives" in the third world. LOL! Worthless chumps like Roosh, Heartiste, and the rest of the tradcons will cause the manosphere to commit suicide as it trembles under the heel of "traditional nice girls."
Greg 2015-07-14 13:59:12
"She got everything – the house, the cars, the kids, and most the investments. Rick was able to retain his medical practice, but the judge forced him give half the ownership to Suzi." How did she get so much, doesn't the law state she's "only" entitled to half the goods made during the marriage? Why do men get married with low income women under such laws? If you marry a higher income woman do you come out of the divorce richer, or is the law blatantly against men? "Being first generation Asian, Suzi would also send Rick’s money to her relatives all over the world, to the tune of thousands of dollars a month. Rick didn’t like it, and complained about it often, but Suzi would tell him “that’s just how a marriage is!” and he would walk away grumbling." Speechless...
Duke 2015-07-14 14:12:49
@ Greg, this is what I have always wondered about. How can the ex-wives take everything when they are only supposed to get half? My guess is that the man is emotionally distraught during the divorce and just says "let her have everything if that's what she wants," maybe halfway hoping that she won't take him up on that offer, but not caring either way. I just can't believe this type of crap even when I see it with my on eyes. Oneitis and a scarcity mindset are so powerful that these men don't realize how stupid they are acting. I think that some of these guys are masochists that secretly like this type punishment. Why would they take that form of abuse and than share it with their friends. Any self-respecting man would be ashamed to admit that kind of stuff.
Blackdragon 2015-07-14 14:48:19
I’m also pretty jealous of Suzi. I wish I could just marry a doctor and then never have to work again.Me too! Girls are so lucky!
See, this is what happens when you fuck with low sex drive women, prudes, traditional conservatives, third world refugees, virgin-types, gold diggers (in the case of that stripper) and “nice girls.”Correct. There was just a guy in another thread here trying to convince me that if he married a woman from the third world and brought her back to the US, your odds were good that you'd never get divorced. Nope.
How did she get so much, doesn’t the law state she’s “only” entitled to half the goods made during the marriage?Depends on the state, depends on the local laws, depends on the circumstances, depends on the lawyers and spouses involved, and most importantly, it depends on the judge. The joke lawyers have is that justice is mostly about what the judge had for breakfast that morning. That being said, I'm sure she didn't take absolutely ALL of the investments. I sure he kept something. But not much. Divorce is an inherently unfair system.
Why do men get married with low income women under such laws?Because men are either A) needy, B) delusional, or C) ignorant. Usually they're delusional: "I'm Superman, it won't happen to me. I know what I'm doing."
If you marry a higher income woman do you come out of the divorce richer, or is the law blatantly against men?If you marry a woman who has a much higher income and a much higher net worth than you, then sure, you can cash out in a divorce. How often do men actually do that though? And more importantly, how hot are these women? Rich, single women are almost always quite old / fat / ugly. You going to marry that?
Why would they take that form of abuse and than share it with their friends. Any self-respecting man would be ashamed to admit that kind of stuff.Well, to be fair, he was my friend. Still is. Friends talk about this stuff. Most of my married buddies and family members gripe about their marriages. It's what married guys do. Married women bitch about it to their girlfriends too. Because traditional monogamous marriage sucks once you get past the 3-year mark.
Diggy 2015-07-14 15:00:12
Damn, BD Im sorry you had to watch that. I know it must be hard when deep down you love someone. I Rick is "Bobby". Good looking friend that has made six figures for 20 years. Fell in love with this succubus stripper. She literally took everything, even his soul. Two moments that stand out: I hadn't seen him in awhile and he invited me to his place for a drink. We sat in his garage at a table next to his wifes car. At first it was kinda normal cause we used to have a man cave in the garage w/o a car in there but it was winter. I asked about going inside and he sheepishly replied that his wife didnt want us inside. I left. Another time he begged me to come out and have a drink with him and his Bother in law. His wife drove us home in a bitchy mood. She wouldn't drop me off at home, like 5 mins away, so I went to his place while I waited for a FWB to get me. During this time I was left on the porch to get hit on by his gay B-I-L and had to watch him lower his head and just get screamed at. I've never seen anything like it. That was the last time I saw him for months. When he called she had taken everything while he was away on biz. Emptied thousands out of the account, changed the locks, canceled his CCs, took all important docs from the house to use as leverage in the divorce. He had to borrow money from colleagues to make it home. And he called me to pick him up at the airport and break into his own house. I guess I'm the loyal friend that knows how to break into places but seriously was the toughest thing I've had to watch someone I love do to them self. Even after all this while getting a divorce, she had him put in jail one night based on lies and somehow they managed to get pregnant with their second child. You can't make this shit up. :/
Amanda 2015-07-14 15:10:18
Greg - I've definitely heard of higher-income wives having to pay a lot in alimony, but I'm sure men as a whole pay a lot more, and more often. I have a male coworker who gets a hefty alimony payment from his ex-wife, but know a lot more men who are paying alimony rather than getting it. Still, marriage is also risky for women who have their own money, and I do believe that a fair prenup is mutually beneficial and unfairly vilified by women (though this too is coming from a place of emotion, not logic - i.e. "but we love each other - we shouldn't plan for divorce!"). Or, people assume prenups are only for the supremely wealthy, which is far from true - bitter divorces and alimony/loss of possessions affect the middle class just as much, probably even more so because we don't have as much to fall back on. It just makes it easier when a plan is laid out from the beginning, so that both sides know what to expect in the event a divorce happens. I just shake my head when I hear people talk like a divorce could never happen to THEM because they're So In Love ... despite statistical evidence to the contrary and in some cases, previous failed marriage(s) on the part of the person saying it!
Jack Outside the Box 2015-07-14 15:11:27
@Duke and Greg: When you get divorced, you're supposed to maintain your ex-wife's lifestyle exactly as it was during the marriage. Your legal duty is to make sure that her social class and standard of living never dip below that which she has become "accustomed to." If she is, for example, accustomed to two private jets, Family Court won't legally allow you to take one away (this is not a joke). And remember: No matter what, she is entitled to monthly alimony payments in addition to half your shit and you maintaining her lifestyle. Yes, an ex-husband can do this to his ex-wife also if she is richer, but gold diggers tend to be poor. Rich women tend to be sexually enlightened (and therefore, not likely to marry anyone), or ugly. Also, it's not socially acceptable in our matriarchal society for a rich woman to marry a poor man. @BD: Yeah, I'm becoming more and more disillusioned with the manosphere. Its disgusting conservatism. Its slut shaming. Its purity fetish. Its obsession with third world shitholes and gold digging third world whores! It's sickening. Purity is oppression (for both men and women). It is the demand of female bigots and male masochists or delusional alpha 1.0s.
Jack Outside the Box 2015-07-14 15:26:32
It just makes it easier when a plan is laid out from the beginning, so that both sides know what to expect in the event a divorce happensOr just don't get married. There's a thought! Prenups are thrown out all the time. Women's lawyers (that the husband must pay for) argue that her consent wasn't "informed" when she signed the prenup because she wasn't aware of all of his assets. Or, she recently developed a mental illness which alters the circumstances of the marriage in such a way that makes the enforcing of the prenup now unfair. Prenups are as worthless as the feminist lawyers say they are. Just don't get married.
Duke 2015-07-14 16:24:02
@BD. This is off topic, but have you heard of that movie Train wreck with stand up comic Amy Schumer in it? From what I've heard/seen it will be very interesting with regards to feminism and the Sex and the City lifestyle the leftist media has been promoting. A plain looking chick having sex with different dudes like a man. I hope you watch it and do a movie review/blog post on it. @Jack, that's ridiculous. You have to pay for the maintenance of her lifestyle, alimony and her lawyers. I thought Allen Harper was a made up character, apparently that shit really does go on.
Blackdragon 2015-07-14 16:27:31
marriage is also risky for women who have their own money, and I do believe that a fair prenup is mutually beneficial and unfairly vilified by womenI do not have stats on this, but in my experience, women with money demand prenups at engagement FAR more often than men with money. Women aren't against prenups. They're against prenups when they don't have any money.
If she is, for example, accustomed to two private jets, Family Court won’t legally allow you to take one away (this is not a joke).That is correct. That's why you have guys in LA paying ex-wives $50,000 a month in alimony, forever. She was "accustomed to it."
Yeah, I’m becoming more and more disillusioned with the manosphere. Its disgusting conservatismMost of the bigger manosphere sites right now are right-wing. Yep. As always, I agree 50% with right-wingers (small government, etc) and disagree on the other 50% (laws in your bedroom).
Prenups are thrown out all the time. Women’s lawyers (that the husband must pay for) argue that her consent wasn’t “informed” when she signed the prenup because she wasn’t aware of all of his assets. Or, she recently developed a mental illness which alters the circumstances of the marriage in such a way that makes the enforcing of the prenup now unfair.Wellllll wait a minute...remember my guidelines for prenups: 1. Only get legally married in a state where prenups are actually enforceable (that means no California, for example). 2. Have her sign the prenup 6-12 months before the wedding. Then she can't say she was "under duress." 3. Have her signature witnessed by a judge, who will explain every sentence to her, ask her if she understands, and then puts his name to it. Then she can't say she "didn't understand what she was signing." 4. Keep all debts and assets separate during the marriage. If you do all four of those things, it's very unlikely the prenup will be overturned in court. Usually when prenups are thrown out it's super-rich rich couples living in prenup-averse states. Like you said, better to just not get married, but most men won't follow that advice.
Blackdragon 2015-07-14 16:29:35
have you heard of that movie Train wreck with stand up comic Amy Schumer in it? From what I’ve heard/seen it will be very interesting with regards to feminism and the Sex and the City lifestyle the leftist media has been promoting. A plain looking chick having sex with different dudes like a manYeah, I saw the previews. How much you wanna bet that at the end she Falls In Love™ with a Good Guy™ and finally gets monogamous and Lives Happily Ever After™ Disney still trumps all.
Amanda 2015-07-14 16:38:00
Prenups are as worthless as the feminist lawyers say they are. Just don’t get married.I have no intention of getting married myself because for me the downsides far exceed any benefits - not to mention, I don't like living with a romantic partner. I did it once and it seemed to just create more opportunity for drama ... absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. Being around the same person 24/7 is a recipe for disaster, at least for my ISTJ personality type - I NEED time alone to recharge! However, I still think that for people who absolutely must marry, a fair, well-thought-out prenup (that was not drafted at the last minute, which should decrease the ability to claim coercion or lack of understanding of what was being signed) is a much smarter strategy than entering into a marriage contract with no plan. It's certainly not the best option, and whether or not prenups hold up in court seems to vary depending on the judge and what state you're in. But I do agree - not getting married in the first place is best. I have suggested this to people I know who were concerned about what might happen in the event of a divorce, but most people will still want to get married, even if they can't come up with a better reason than "I love him/her" or "that's what you're supposed to do" - and of course, the ever-popular "but I can't grow old alone!"
Amanda 2015-07-14 17:31:10
That’s why you have guys in LA paying ex-wives $50,000 a month in alimony, forever. She was “accustomed to it.”And this just boggles my mind. Life circumstances change - sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. I could have a job today that pays lots of money, but could get laid off tomorrow. Am I entitled to an unemployment payment that matches my previous salary, for an indefinite amount of time, even if I make no effort to find a new job - just because I was "accustomed to" living on a high salary? No? Then I can't imagine why alimony should be any different. I will grant that in some cases, a reasonable, SHORT-term alimony payment makes sense for a spouse who stayed out of the workforce for a long period of time (the timeframe and amount should of course be written into a prenup if this is agreed upon). But our society does little to encourage the lazy, as is also seen with long-term welfare recipients who are perfectly capable of finding employment, but choose not to look very hard. (Why work a minimum-wage job if you can get a welfare check that pays about the same amount by doing nothing?)
Marsupial 2015-07-14 18:26:03
Reminds me of this on ED:
Nathan 2015-07-15 00:18:47
Hilarious, yet tragic. "he’s fucked for life" Is it beneficial to me to appear to not be of substantial means - women are unlikely to request marriage of me? Because I figured, this had been bad for me, but perhaps I've been protected (apart from a 5 year live-in relationship).
Al 2015-07-15 02:44:06
Somehow, and god knows how, I managed to avoid all this in my life. Certainly more by luck than by judgement. I am getting to a point with one of my friends where she is going to leave for good because I won't sign up to her Disney programme. I have 'loved' this woman more than anyone in my life and it is so tempting to "settle down" with her. But I know exactly what she wants and how it would be. It would end in disaster. For her as well as me. So she must be free. All I can say is that seeing it all laid out by BD keeps me strong. So now I behave by definition not by luck. Don't get married, don't co-habit, don't have kids unless something very strong drives you to do so. Find and equal in every regard and be the very best of friends and have the very best of times and none of the bad ones. Keep strong! 🙂
Phero 2015-07-15 02:51:56
Oh man that was a painful read. Being never married I tend to distance myself from certain things (and wives probably don't like husbands associating with a "single" guy), but that story was painful. I do notice men suffering in silence, but have never really heard such stories in person.
lazy guy 2015-07-15 06:23:22
The story of what happened to Rick leaves me wondering about what probably did NOT happen to Rick: I'm guessing Rick did NOT receive (from an older male or any other source) adequate preparation for life as an independent MAN in this culture. Chances are Rick was brainwashed to give top priority to keeping everything pleasant for everyone else all the time; to feel guilty if he pursued his own happiness, etc. This programming is often reinforced by shame and can be hard to overcome later. It's an internal handicap; invisible; often going undetected, so it can't be addressed and corrected effectively. The lucky ones who did NOT have their spirits systematically broken in childhood typically do not appreciate what a difference it made; how purely lucky they are in that regard. They tend to be smug and condescending toward those less fortunate in this regard. Blaming (shaming) a victim (others or yourself) is counter-productive. It keeps the person demoralized -- another significant handicap. It undermines the self-discipline & optimism needed to change yourself & your life. I am not advocating for sympathy & acceptance of being a loser in life when a person has capacity to do better for himself. I am saying it is important to identify accurately the core cause of the problem in order to fix it effectively & efficiently, and/or to perceive others (and/or ourselves) accurately., and thus to regard them (and yourself) appropriately. I appreciate the value of this blog and the comments from other readers.
Al 2015-07-15 08:03:47
@ lazy guy
I am not advocating for sympathy & acceptance of being a loser in life when a person has capacity to do better for himself. I am saying it is important to identify accurately the core cause of the problem in order to fix it effectively & efficiently, and/or to perceive others (and/or ourselves) accurately, and thus to regard them (and yourself) appropriately. I appreciate the value of this blog and the comments from other readers.I often read the archive here to maintain my frame. It is such a good asset to have. I know where I'd be headed now had I not found the blog when I did. But what is also so important, to me anyway, is that the lady concerned won't have her life ruined. Not by me at least. Hopefully too, she will have learned from this and it will make her future a better one. That's what I want for her.
blindhawg 2015-07-15 11:42:28
Lazy Guy- you hit the nail on the head. My brother and I were raised by a mentally unstable mother and a religiously obsessed father whose response to any conflict was to spout inane Bible verses and leave us to deal with "psycho mom" while he put in longer and longer workweeks to minimize his contact with his family. I became a life long "caretaker" of needy and manipulative spouses, bosses and friends until I got my hands on a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy". I wasted a lot of good years, but I'm gonna make the ones I've got left count. You don't have to be a "dick", but you've got to advocate for yourself and not be afraid to figure out what you want in life and make that your priority. What your parents, friends, spouse, or co-workers think is just their opinion and opinions are just like assholes-everybody's got one, nobodies is any better than yours.
Kryptokate 2015-07-15 12:41:36
@ lazy guy Good reminder. I was about to spout off about how naive people are but I did have the benefit of being raised with a pretty clear, hardnosed view of life that wasn't colored by sentiment or superstitions. I do have sympathy for people who have to restructure their entire worldview. I paid alimony to my ex-husband, and I got divorced while I was still in my 20s so I definitely wasn't old and fat. In my state when you get divorced, you split everything in half, then pay child support, then pay alimony if there's anything left over in order to "equalize" the incomes for a length of time equal to the length of the marriage. Luckily I was only married 3 years (guess BD is right that that's as long as it can be good for, because it did start out good). When I paid alimony I wasn't "rich" but my income had just barely crossed over from 5 to 6 figures. And after the divorce my ex did not work at all, so "equalizing" our incomes meant he basically got half, after taxes, since his income was zero. He just lived off my checks. What's funny is that I was always adamantly against the concept of alimony even before I got married. However, when we got married we had nothing so it didn't occur to me to get a prenup. It makes no sense to have to keep paying someone after marriage when you've already split things in half. If a woman is still going to get the benefit of the marriage without being married, then she should have to keep coming over and cleaning your house, doing laundry, and sucking your dick. While it pains me to think how much the three years of alimony payments would be worth now if I'd invested it, I've never really been bitter about paying it because it helped me totally erase any guilt, second thoughts, or ambivalence about getting divorced. Having to write a 4 figure check every month extinguished every shred of positive feelings I had left for him. So I see the alimony as the price I paid for a clear conviction that I am SO HAPPY I DID NOT STAY MARRIED. Then again, I was the one who wanted out. If he had left me AND I had to pay him...holy shit I can't imagine my fury. I don't know how guys deal with that and why there's not more legislative lobbying. Alimony is based on antiquated laws that were adopted in a time when women couldn't get any jobs other than menial positions, weren't allowed in to most colleges, etc. They make no sense now. And if you are paying alimony it just means that the other person was lucky to be with you in the first place because you elevated their economic position to a point they would never have achieved if not for your beneficence. Most states are moving to a hard statutory formula instead of leaving it up to the judge's discretion, but that's not going far enough, the whole concept needs to be overhauled.
Kryptokate 2015-07-15 12:53:11
I know lots of guys with very similar stories to BD's friend. Once you get divorced yourself, people spill all their secrets but they don't usually tell these things to married or never married people. Out of all the professional 6-figures guys I know or work with, which I'd estimate at about 100, 70% are married and never have any fun. They have all kinds of things they're not "allowed" to do. They have rules out the ass. If their wife doesn't work they're constantly buying her things and doing things to keep her from being a bitch or withholding sex. I hear "oh my wife won't let me do that" all the time and it sickens me to hear a man utter that statement. Literally, I have said "don't ever say that in front of me again, have some dignity" that's how much it bothers me. Sometimes they're not "allowed" to do something like go to a concert or party, but other times wives literally dictate what grown men are "allowed" to order for lunch while they're at work. Nauseating. Now that I think about it, this was very normalized in the Cosby Show where Cliff was terrified of Claire and would have to sneak into the kitchen to eat ice cream. But at least she had a good job...I can't understand guys who cower and defer to women who are living entirely off of them??? WTF, if she's dependent, she's your employee, you don't do what she says, she does what you say. I'm trying to be nice like lazy guy said but I do hold disgust and contempt for doormats. Out of the remaining 30% of the 100 guys, 15% are divorced, dating seriously questionable golddiggers/drug addicts/strippers, and living in an apartment paying all their money to their ex who lives in the house. 5% are divorced but their ex worked so they split everything 50/50 and don't pay alimony and they're basically fine as if they were never married. Of the remaining 10%, most are diligently dating and trying to get married. A few are gay. And I only know a grand total of 2 guys out of about 100 who are deliberate perpetual bachelors. They have great lives. If you look at their facebook feed you will see constant trips, toys (boats, cars, gadgets), parties, concerts, sports events, and all with a bunch of friends and different smiling women. I looked at my single friends profile the other day and his weekend photos were a bunch of chicks in bikinis on his boat on the lake...it actually made me laugh to think of how jealous all his married friends probably are and how much rationalizing they have to do to try to pity his singleness. Why it is only 2% who do this, I cannot understand. Of course, I get told my life looks "hedonistic" or like I "have a lot of fun" (said in a disapproving yet envious manner) all the time too. 😉 And then people constantly tell me they don't understand how/why I'm single!!! Uh, because it's way more fun and enjoyable? Unbelievable how few people can understand that. Social programming can make down seem like up and black seem like white...it's frightening how powerful it is.
Erin 2015-07-15 14:41:00
This bums me out to read. My husband went through a terrible divorce and had he not pulled the trigger when he did, his ex would have ongoing alimony rather than an amount limited to the length of the marriage (divorced just shy of ten years). While I hope for the best for our relationship, things are equaled out by our similar earning potential and that we split household contributions 50/50 while separating assets. What really terrifies me is thinking about my now 2 yo son someday going through this misery. I would have every desire to destroy a woman that would do that to my son. Any chance for a future post on mothers raising children to have their very best shot at happiness? (Apologies in advance if this was covered elsewhere, I did not see it)
Greg 2015-07-16 01:05:38
I don't think it's that hard Erin, just don't act like every mother out there teaching her son to be a good provider, baiting him with how much his wife will love him. Just you being here and asking that means he will have a great shot at not making these mistakes.
animal 2015-07-16 01:39:02
Great post, as usual. These stories are a great lesson for a young guy (27) like me to make the right decisions. I'm not yet surrounded by any married guys in my social circle but I can already clearly see how my single friends have way more fun than my friends with long-term serious gfs (although thats not always the case but usually).
lazy guy 2015-07-16 10:51:05
FWIW, I meant to say "I'm not advocating *pity*... for losers ..." -- rather than *sympathy*. I tried to edit it, but it seems a tech glitch prevented editing. Pity vs sympathy: big difference really. @ Blindhawg -- Yup, there must be so many life stories like that out there. Congrats on your big improvements! That's significant victory in my book. I was trained to be my own worst enemy. Eventually I learned it's crucial to realize your original core self is fine, so that you can sustain the self-respect required for sustaining the effort required to change yourself and your life. @ KryptoKate -- ha ha, I'm no Mother Theresa either. Being around toxic self-defeating mentalities and behavior patterns is something I want to avoid as much as I can. Cringe & shudder. Your anecdotes about miseries of marriage & divorce are a fascinating horror. There's something darkly hilarious about married people regarding happy singles with a mix of disapproval and longing or envy.
Amanda 2015-07-16 21:25:02
Yeah, I'm starting to get some "concern" about being unmarried too. Men who don't marry are often looked at as Peter Pans who don't want to grow up, while women who don't marry are looked upon with pity - or, if you're attractive and have a stable life, people try to figure out what's wrong with you. It's inconceivable to a lot of people why any woman would voluntarily choose to not marry, and the tradcons of the manosphere always seem to be perpetuating the stereotype of the miserable, ugly lady with nothing but cats, as if the only reason a woman wouldn't get married is if no men want her. (This of course goes hand in hand with the saying that women transform from hotties to hags at the age of 30, which in most cases is only true if you stop taking pride in your appearance and/or gain lots of weight - and this seems to happen more often among women who do marry than those who don't!) My own family are now trying to convince me to get married, or if I won't do that, conceive a child via IVF. (My dad was a devout Catholic and must be rolling over in his grave!) When I explain that I am happy with my current life, I am always told I "just haven't found the right man yet." And the main reason why I am told I need to have children? "Who's going to take care of you when you're old?" It's sad to me as someone who's very close with my mom, but that's hardly a given in this day and age - so many adult children move far away from their parents, start their own families and don't even bother to visit. Plus, if I wanted kids, I would have them because I was 100% committed to wanting them and capable of providing them with a good life, not because it's "expected" of me or for some assumed benefit to me down the line. Every other major decision in life should be made with careful consideration, so I don't see why getting married and having kids are viewed as something you're "just supposed to do," regardless of how well you've thought through whether you're suited for marriage and parenthood.
Adam 2015-07-17 01:07:21
In all emotional conflicts, the thing you find hardest to do, is the thing to do.
Duke 2015-07-17 13:44:09
@Amanda, that's interesting how many women don't actually want to be married, but end up being pressured into it by society, friends and family. I was listening to one of Amy Schumer's comedy acts or it might have been some interview on a morning show. And one of the things she said was that "men act like women are all desperate to get married, but in reality that is not the case with me or all of my girl friends." If you are getting all this pressure at thirty, I wonder how it will be when you are close to forty. I'd imagine it will start getting awfully uncomfortable.
Amanda 2015-07-17 20:46:58
Duke - I think the reason it's starting so early in my case has a lot to do with the fact that I'm an only child, and have just two cousins, both of whom are women - so not only will my surname die with me, but I'm also the only one in my family who is under the age of 45, so I think my family members just want some kids around! My mom just keeps saying she wants for me what she had with my dad. My parents had a traditional, long-term (36 years) marriage and were truly happy - I hardly ever remember them arguing. It's been almost 2 years since my dad's passing and my mom still cries often and misses him a great deal; I don't think she'll ever date again. But I know from statistics and observation of other married couples, including within my own family, that that's not normally how marriage works. My grandpa and his wife literally can't stand each other, but just stay together because they're old and it's what they're used to. My aunt and her husband are the same way. I'm not sure exactly why a few people are able to make traditional, monogamous marriage work so well, but from where I'm standing, it just doesn't seem to be a good bet for long-term happiness - and long-term happiness is my goal!
Al 2015-07-17 21:17:34
@ Amanda and Duke "When are you going to make me a grandmother?" That is one old favorite that still crops up from time to time. I have known two women who were convinced that their parents had the perfect marriage; and hence, why couldn't I accept that and settle down? Why could I not just conform and be the perfect husband like their dads were? As time goes on and family talk gets more honest and open, the truth comes out. These were not by any means perfect marriages but they did survive for many years but they are still the exception. One day there may be a groundswell of change in thinking. I don't think I'll live to see it but I hope that you do. 🙂
Amanda 2015-07-17 21:45:57
Al - I agree; successful and happy marriage is definitely the exception rather than the rule. The reason why I think my parents got along so well was because my mom was the dominant head of household (but never in an emasculating or aggressive way), and my dad had no problem with that. There were few money issues because my mom is one of the thriftiest people you could possibly meet ... she's never had a credit card except for emergencies, and is very anti-debt (she was a bank regional VP before they had me and is very smart with money). Actually, I think she would agree with most of the advice on this blog, except for the non-monogamy stuff. In most marriages, you have one person vying for control and the other refusing to relent - or money problems due to excessive spending by one member of the couple, and that's all too common in most relationships, just because of how wildly people differ in their upbringings, value systems and solutions to common problems. I know even from my dating relationships how big of a divide these types of issues can cause - I couldn't imagine living with someone 24/7 and dealing with it, much less having a joint bank account (which is a recipe for disaster IMO)!
Al 2015-07-17 22:31:13
@ Amanda Money makes the world go round. 😀 It is also probably the single most cause of arguments, whether in a relationship context or not. Societal conditioning pounds it into our heads that we must find our “one true love,” make them ours and then have a family while we live happily ever after together. This is a delusional fantasy and not anywhere close to being a reality for the overwhelming majority of men and women. Life and relationships are often messy and unpredictable. There is no one-size-fits-all type of magical relationship solution. We are pressured to seek to lock someone down to a commitment and possess them so that we feel better about ourselves, validated and loveable. The bits in bold are really where the trouble lies. It's about possession and feeling better about ourselves. I'm sure that until we have self-validation, nothing else will work well.
POB 2015-07-18 09:13:48
True story: Childhood friend, almost 30 years of friendship. We were like brothers! This guy was not a huge hit with women although fairly successful because of charm and social skills (and tall). I mean, he was always the first one to approach and open and always had 2-3 girls in his rotation. By no means an Alpha, because he constantly had oneitis for one of his girls, but for sure a very confident beta . One day after he finishes college, he decides to go to US as an alien. Family problems, short on money, no job, that kind of shit. He spends 3 years working his butt off as a valet on Florida and saves a nice amount of cash. He comes back and after 3 months what does he do? Yep, he moves in with some chick full of issues he's just met in a bar. Every friend (including my mom!) begged him to postpone it and instead buy his own place with some of his saved money. He did not listen. After a year, she dumped his ass to attend a new job on another state and left him with 6 months of rent to pay alone. On top of that someone broke into his house and stole US$ 5,000 on eletronics (he had some cool DJ gear, like pick ups, amplifiers, mics, etc). He changed the lock but two weeks later it happened again. Later he found out his own family did it to pay gamble debts. After that he came to live with me for a while. It lasted 4 months until another friend invited him over. They lived together for 7-8 months. After a while (and a lot of screening and casual sex) he finally found another Girl of his Dreamsᵀᴹ. They started to date and he invites her over constantly (which of course bothered my other friend a lot). Also he started to be late on his share of the bills. One day my second friend became so pissed he politely asked him out. He was forced to move back with his mom. At that time he was such a pussy that I started to not like his company anymore. But still he was my oldest friend and I liked him a lot! Of course me and my other friends made very clear we did not like her, but still would put up with some of her shit if he decided to keep it going. After one year of almost no contact from him, my phone rings. It was his mom asking me if I could come over and help. He had been furious and depressed for days and was breaking random stuff around the house. So I came with another common friend and, my gosh!!! the guy was a mess. Skin and bones, pale, man, he sure needed some vitamins and beach time. We chated for about 4 hours and talked about relationships, girls and meaningful life stuff. Gave him my shoulder and let him cry his demons out. My other friend did the same. He told us point blank she was a fucking psycho who was ruining his life. Although we did not keep in touch, I knew he had completed a second college course and was on his way finishing a masters degree in Geography, which was his passion. He had invitations to go abroad and start an international career as a researcher. We were sure he would dump her ass and move on with his life and carrer. The three of us finished that night on my place tolding old jokes and drinking some beer. Three days later I text him to see how it's going, asking him to go see a movie or do some stuff. He tells me they are back together working on their issues. I'm kinda of pissed, but wish him good luck and move on with my life. This was the last time I spoke with him. It's been more than three years since I saw him that day on his mom's.
Blackdragon 2015-07-18 09:36:54
Great story! As in, sad story. I see too many of these stories.
JRM 2015-07-18 14:16:24
This is why I subscribe to your blog. Great read and reminder. I really wonder why the majority of men just drop off when getting a girl and eventually succumb to her every whim and desire. My current lady friend always says that women are the stronger sex and more capable than men. I just laugh and pat her on the head saying "OK, think what you want", but I must admit I very often think she might be right, especially given some of the similar stories I have relating to my friends. I know very few men who are "real men".
Blackdragon 2015-07-19 10:04:30
My current lady friend always says that women are the stronger sex and more capable than men. I just laugh and pat her on the head saying “OK, think what you want”, but I must admit I very often think she might be right, especially given some of the similar stories I have relating to my friends.Men are the stronger sex. At the same time, men are more easily controlled by the other gender than women.
It-Began 2015-07-19 12:25:22
Excellent post and lots of enlightening comments as usual. A real treasure trove of wisdoms which shows the internet at its very best. Much appreciated.
Ron Gordon 2015-07-21 00:04:21
The article is unclear if Rick's wife also graduated med school. If so, she should work! As an expat living in Asia, I would say to Rick and others, think outside the box, and consider leaving the US. For example a US doctor can work as a doctor in many countries around the world and keep his entire paycheck, or work in a biotech company in Asia or Europe as an MD, etc.
L 2015-07-21 04:55:58
Some genuine gold here in the comments.
Edward 2015-11-15 12:05:53
Hello Blackdragon, I'm fairly new to your blog and I've read a few articles, all of which made sense to me. I'm a 17 year old guy who wants to know how women work by reading about real-life experiences others have had with them, and so I stumbled across this site; a truly helpful, eye-opening blog. At this point, I understand that you are a guy who will easily brush off any person who throws drama your way in order to avoid negativity in your life. You won't pointlessly argue with them (Alpha 1.0), and you also won't give in to their desires at the cost of your own freedom (Beta). I feel the same way and I want to grow as a person who wouldn't want to waste time putting up a fight, but I also definitely wouldn't want to give up any of my freedom for women as well. I have a question for you: Have you ever had a situation where although you genuinely liked a girl, she eventually began to step out of line and you gave her the boot? Even if you were looking out for your own happiness, were there difficult times for yourself pushing away specific women whom you were specially bonded with (An OLTR or MLTR for example)?
Blackdragon 2015-11-16 10:59:43
Have you ever had a situation where although you genuinely liked a girl, she eventually began to step out of line and you gave her the boot?Yes. I've had to soft next plenty of women I liked over the years. Not a big deal. They all come back.
Even if you were looking out for your own happiness, were there difficult times for yourself pushing away specific women whom you were specially bonded with (An OLTR or MLTR for example)?Again yes. But soft nexting is a temporary removal, not a breakup. I don't do breakups. Those are for monogamous people. I soft next, know she'll be back soon, and have sex with other women until she does.
Martin 2016-03-26 04:04:06
Boy, I got screwed over by marriage and divorce. But not THAT bad. Damn. At least I am free and on my way to Alpha 2.0 territory.
Shiki 2017-11-06 04:18:58
A lot of people say suicide is never the answer,but for a guy in his position,its probably their only way out of such a miserable life(and since he's a doc,he probably knows a way to do it painlessly)