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How To Deal With New Relationship Energy (NRE)
-By Caleb Jones
NRE – New Relationship Energy. The temporary, short-lasting, overwhelming feeling of joy one experiences when first dating a new person, usually not lasting longer than several months (though it can be artificially extended out to a year or so if people get married or have a baby together). Often referred to as the “honeymoon period,” NRE is likely to be the most powerful positive emotion a human being can feel, stronger even than love, but it is extremely temporary. NRE often leads to poor decision-making and oneitis, and is the cause of many divorces, breakups, and drama.
Ah yes, that wonderful, intoxicating, addicting feeling we all feel when we first start dating that woman who is Not Like The Rest™. There’s nothing else in life quite like it. I’ve experienced it many times, and I’m sure you have too. I will experience several more times before my day is done, and statistically speaking you will too (yes, even if you’re now married or monogamous with someone).
NRE is a stronger emotion than even love. That’s why it doesn’t last very long. My parents have been married for 44 years. Unquestionably, they’re in love. But do they have NRE? Ha! No. That died in their marriage many decades ago. If you’ve been in a consistent relationship longer than about two years, you have also said bye-bye to NRE with that person.
Why? Because, the letter N in NRE is New. You can only have NRE with someone NEW. That’s way so many women (and a few men) are addicted to serial monogamy. Just like a drug addict, they’re addicted to that high that can only be satisfied by someone NEW.
NRE is wonderful. Feel it and enjoy it. I certainly do when it happens.
NRE is also extremely dangerous. During NRE, your IQ will drop in half, and you’ll make the stupidest decisions of your life. This can include, but aren’t limited to:
1. Promising sexual monogamy when you shouldn’t.
2. Moving in with a woman when you shouldn’t.
3. Getting married when you shouldn’t.
4. Not getting an enforceable prenup when you should.
5. Giving money to a woman when you shouldn’t.
6. Getting a woman pregnant “by accident.”
7. Lending woman money when you shouldn’t.
8. Buying a house with a woman when you shouldn’t.
9. Co-signing a loan with a woman or combining finances with a woman.
And on and on. NRE is the culprit behind most of these life-damaging decisions. You’re an intelligent, experienced guy. You’d never make these stupid decisions when in possession of your full faculties. But when that super hot, super smart, super fun, perfect girl who’s Not Like The Rest™ drops into your life and you fall into an NRE tailspin, you’ll happily hand her the knife and bare your throat to her (and scream your head off at anyone who tells you it’s probably not a good idea).
This is when NRE metastasizes into oneitis. It’s when NRE goes from a good thing to a bad thing.
Feeling the feelings of NRE are good. Being with a woman you have NRE for is also good. Making poor decisions because of the NRE is bad. In fact, very bad.
This means the goal of your relationship life is to get to the point where you can fully experience NRE without getting oneitis. Where you can be fully immersed in NRE but you still say no to her batting eyelashes when she asks or demands something of you that will cause trouble for you down the road.
This is hard. This is a skill that takes a strong will, an organized brain, a lot of self-love, and practice.
I remember when I was first able to do this. It was about two years after my divorce, and I had NRE hard for a woman I later actually fell in love with. She was over 30 and wanted monogamy. Guess what I said?
I said no. I said it nicely, but I still said no, while still in the middle of hardcore NRE. She later left me via a LSFNTE me and later came back as 94% of them do, but that’s not the point. The point was the feeling of inner strength and power I experienced that I had never felt before. The point was the lack of all the usual problems every other man has when they fall prey to this.
I knew then and there that I had entered into a new life of freedom and happiness. That I could be in the middle of hardcore NRE, even hardcore love, and still not compromise the big things in my life I knew would later make me unhappy.
Since then it’s been smooth sailing for me, and that’s one of the biggest reasons why unlike most men, I can have NRE or love for a woman and still not make stupid decisions, beta myself, or make compromises that will later cause problems. It’s like having a super power.
Before you learn to deal with NRE, you must first be aware of its flavors. The standard NRE is the one you’re probably already familiar with. It’s after a few dates and/or a few new sexual encounters with a smart, hot, funny, fun girl who is Not Like The Rest™. (Women call this I Think I’ve Found The One™.) You feel wonderful 24/7 to the point of stupidity.
After a while, usually around 3-5 months, this feeling dissipates and you’re back to your old normal, rational self. This is when you snap out of it, look back over the decisions you’ve made recently, and say “Oh shit! Why the hell did I do that?”
The extra danger is that NRE can actually reappear with the same person under certain circumstances. These events cause a temporary, artificial resurgence or increase in how long the NRE lasts. There are three kinds.
Moving In Together NRE: Sometimes a couple experiences a brief resurgence of NRE when they move in together, particularly if the move was something unhurried, fun, and not caused by some kind of emergency. Like all other types of NRE, Moving In Together NRE is extraordinarily dangerous, since it will prevent you from taking all the necessary precautions you need to take when you move in with a woman. “I don’t need to do all that stuff,” you’ll say, “She’s Not Like That™.” Oh yes she is, you dumbass. That’s your NRE talking, not your brain.
Getting Married NRE. Obviously, getting married, having all your friends and family kiss your ass, having a kickass bachelor party, and having a big fairytale wedding can recharge your waning NRE for a few more months, perhaps even a year or two, before the all the drama and reduced sex starts to occur. That’s unless you experience...
New Baby NRE. As many men have discovered, having a baby with your Sweet Little Angel™ who is Not Like The Rest™ can cause an especially euphoric type of NRE that can last up to a year or two per baby. This doesn’t always happen with couples who have babies, but sometimes simply the act of having a baby together can create another temporary surge of NRE, at least for a while until the guy snaps out of it, gets tired of his baby momma’s flabby belly and stretch marks, cheats, gets caught, has drama, etc.
You need to be aware that these kinds of events A) re-introduce NRE into your brain, B) are just as dangerous as normal NRE if not more so, and C) create a feeling that is very temporary even though it feels like it will last 20 years or the “rest of your life.”
Here’s how to keep a cool head while in the throes of NRE:
1. I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. Go read my post on how to avoid oneitis, since many of those things directly apply to NRE.
2. Make very sure you have a very strong future vision for yourself. Have strong goals. Have a Mission. The more important your future is to you, the less likely you are to make stupid decisions during NRE. This is the single greatest reason why I don’t ever screw up with NRE; my future happiness is critically important to me.
3. As I just said in a recent post, whenever you get the urge to make a major life change or compromise for a woman, COME TO A COMPLETE STOP. Stop, pause and THINK for a minute. Take three or four deep breaths. Go away from everyone, especially her, lock yourself in a room alone, and think as rationally and as critically as your NRE-addled mind is able.
Remind yourself that you’re in NRE, and because of this, your decision-making faculties aren’t at 100% even if they feel like they are. Really analyze and focus. Is this really a good idea for your long-term future?
4. Ask yourself these questions:
a. Even if this will make me happy now, will it STILL make me happy a year from now? Two years from now? Five years from now?
b. If the answer is “yes,” what are the odds of this? Are the odds for future problems high or low if you proceed? Be honest with your answers.
c. Would you be doing this if you had never met her? No? Then why are you doing it now? Really be critical about your own answer, and challenge the answer. Make your answer “pay its own rent.”
d. What happened the last time you did this? If you’ve never done this, ask yourself what happened the last time a close friend or family member with a similar personality to you tried it.
e. Does what you’re about to do require you or her to be 100% responsible and/or emotionally consistent for years and years on end? Is this a wise thing to expect of yourself or her?
Like I said, you probably won’t be able to get NRE nailed down on your first attempt. That’s okay. Keep pushing towards the goal of being able to experience the joy and euphoria of NRE without any of the stupid decisions. You’ll be glad you did.
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Al 2015-07-23 05:21:03
Another great post, as usual. All I'd say is that dealing with NRE is easier as you get older. It is very difficult to navigate when younger. SO, young readers, read this well. And then read it again. Then a few more times.
Bobby 2015-07-23 08:25:50
Al is absolutely right. I found that as I got older and met more women, this NRE problem sort of started to take care of itself. It doesn't really affect me anymore. If you meet enough women, your brain will eventually recognize that in the end they are all pretty much the same. My father actually explained all of this to me when I was in my 20's, and it made sense to me at the time. This didn't stop me from moving in with different women and doing all sorts of stupid shit because I thought I had found the one, and I was in love, etc... Honestly, I don't think young guys can be helped. You can give them all this advice, but it wont' matter.... BD is correct; we should not under estimate how powerful NRE can be. If you're a young guy without a lot of experience with women and you get some serious NRE for some hottie, you are pretty much fucked after that.
lazy guy 2015-07-23 08:58:12
This topic reminds me of the mythology of Ulysses encountering the Sirens. Great metaphor. I wonder if perhaps there is another element which adds to the challenge of handling NRE shrewdly: Perhaps our cultural programming includes brainwashing a man to feel better about himself if he believes the Disney fantasy of relationships, and to doubt himself or view himself negatively if he rejects the Disney fantasy as a costly illusion -- 'Gee, what's wrong with me? I'm so negative, cynical, pessimistic, jaded, bitter, unfair to women, cold-hearted... How can I ever live in the heights of happiness if I don't allow myself to follow the call of the Disney romance fantasy?' Perhaps none of us ever achieve 100% independence from our cultural brainwashing; perhaps each of us is somewhere on a scale from 1 to 100 in that category. Attaining enough mental independence to avoid the major traps and sustain long term happiness fairly well may require a degree of self-possession & self-assurance which only a small percentage of the population ever attains.
billyboy 2015-07-23 09:52:23
This post came at a great time for me personally. Seems to make a lot of sense. I'm not sure if you answered this -- do women experience NRE the same way? I mean, I think it's implied they do. They have that same 'NRE' feeling ... but this is a period where they also go out of their way to do things/ please you, right? And presumably when that fades, sionara to the blowjobs? Just a young guy trying to figure it out here.
Mr. Meat 2015-07-23 09:58:30
Lazy guy, men are shamed if they don't follow the standard Disney model of relationships. I remember growing up, seeing players and regurgitating what culture says about players: "wow, what an asshole, he probably has all sorts of STDs from loose sluts", "That's not me, I'm better than that, I'm looking for a Quality Woman (TM) to marry, sex is better when you're in love." While my mind whimpered, at the exact same time: "geez, why can't I do what he's doing???".
Mr. Meat 2015-07-23 09:59:19
Billyboy, that is pretty much spot on. You only really know if a woman is LTR material until it's already a LTR. So making any long-term decisions while in short-term NRE mode is gambling your future on that woman.
BH 2015-07-23 10:00:16
Your last few articles have been EXTREMELY relevant to my current situations at those times. I agree with others that age helps resist NRE. Right now I feel the urge to do some things for this new girl i met. But thankfully my experienced rational side (and your timely articles) deliver me the necessary nut kick of "wtf are you thinking?!?" You're helping men everywhere BD. Much appreciated.
Blackdragon 2015-07-23 10:16:09
I’d say is that dealing with NRE is easier as you get older.This is generally correct. Though I've seen guys age 40+ do stupid NRE stuff too.
do women experience NRE the same way? I mean, I think it’s implied they do. They have that same ‘NRE’ feeling … but this is a period where they also go out of their way to do things/ please you, right?Yes, women experience NRE just like men do, and it lasts about as long. Women often make the same stupid decisions men do during NRE. And yes, women tend to be much nicer, less bitchy, more sexual, and more compliant during NRE. However they can and often do still make the usual woman-demands during NRE; it's just that they'll hold off on them for a while and/or will issue them more sweetly.
Will 2015-07-23 11:42:52
I think there is a connection with NRE and when you want to long term pair bond from a couple of posts back. You need to be extra careful!!
Blackdragon 2015-07-23 11:54:36
I think there is a connection with NRE and when you want to long term pair bond from a couple of posts back. You need to be extra careful!!Actually, no. You can get NRE at literally any time, whether or not you have any pair bonding desires whatsoever. Young people, non-pair-bonders, "I live being single!" people, players, etc, get NRE all the time. So you should ALWAYS be careful.
Will 2015-07-23 12:26:42
what is so interesting about this post is that the NRE can "resurge under different circumstances." That's the USP for me!
DonPheromon 2015-07-23 12:30:49
"while in the throws of NRE" .... Should read; "while in the throes of NRE" Very informative as usual........one of the reasons why I'm a regular on here! Nice post!
Dawson Stone 2015-07-23 12:38:51
It does get easier as you get older but it also gets easier with options. The more romantic options you have the easier it is to avoid NRE. NRE does not impact me at all. Like an alcoholic admitting you have a problem is like 90% of the battle. Just being aware and watchful for it makes it pretty easy to avoid. I can meet an exceptional woman that is motivated, successful, sexy and beautiful, an amazing lover, kind, intelligent, etc. and all I have to do is ask myself: - Is this the first woman I have ever met with these qualities? NO - Will I enjoy her as much after having sex with her 100+ times and she is 10+ years older. NO - Will she be as easy going in terms of wanting something more "serious" after we have been seeing each other for a while? NO - Do I want to NOT enjoy other women while enjoying her? HELL NO There really are fantastic women out there. LOTS of them. If you can take a step back, take a deep breath or two and ask yourself a few simple questions and really be honest about your answers this is an absolute no brainer.
Blackdragon 2015-07-23 12:41:06
Should read; “while in the throes of NRE”Thank you, corrected!
It does get easier as you get older but it also gets easier with options.Correct!
CrabRangoon 2015-07-23 13:10:07
BD, blogs like yours and similar ones have definitely opened the eyes of many men in regards to NRE. I always used to refer to it as the "in lust" phase when guys do some dumb shit just because they're getting rode hard in the sack. I've luckily gotten good at recognizing this and not compromising my values and goals just to be with a woman. Keep up the great posts!
Amanda 2015-07-23 13:49:26
Billyboy - yes, both men and women definitely experience this. I have done very stupid things (mostly financial) as a result of NRE, particularly when I was younger. Now, I am much more cautious. I do struggle sometimes with knowing where to draw the line re: sharing expenses such as meals. I try to be fair, since my salary is about double my boyfriend's - so I do end up paying for more stuff. I don't think it would be right to ask him for 50/50, so costs are about 2/3 me and 1/3 him. However, I keep costs down by buying food and cooking it rather than going to restaurants most of the time. I think this is a fair and reasonable setup. Where I messed up in the past was not normal cost-sharing but actually handing a guy money on a regular basis when he was too unmotivated to make his own money (and I knew it but kept hoping against all reason that he would change) ... that seems to bring out the golddigger tendencies, and I'm just glad I learned that when I was young and didn't own property or have many expenses of my own.
Trinity 2015-07-23 13:59:19
Excellent post! It seems to me that a huge part of what leads people to become monogamous is not necessarily wanting or not wanting to have sex with multiple people, BUT is actually not wanting their partner to be with anyone else. I wonder if the strategies for dealing with one's own jealousy are the same as in this post - have many options, gain experience, etc?
everybodyhatesscott 2015-07-23 14:18:24
Ha, going through his now. It's maddening. Haven't had it happen in a very long time. Seriously struggling to not revert back to beta ways on this one. I get that it's chemical but man is it difficult
Al 2015-07-23 17:59:10
It seems to me that a huge part of what leads people to become monogamous is not necessarily wanting or not wanting to have sex with multiple people, BUT is actually not wanting their partner to be with anyone else.I'd have to agree with that. @ everybodyhatesscott
I get that it’s chemical but man is it difficult.Damn right. I'm a bit ancient now and I still get it. But I have manged to stay single for most of my adult life and repeated refusals on my part to "settle down" have saved my bacon and my sex life hasn't suffered as a result. With any of this stuff, it isn't what you think but what you actually do. So suffer your angst in private and NEVER admit it to whichever female it is that is currently making maintaining your frame a bit difficult. 🙂
Al 2015-07-23 19:19:45
💡 ! The light has dawned! I have had a boomerang in my life for 2.5 years now. When she shows up after a break, maybe two months or so, it's like NRE all over again for her. I can't do a thing wrong. I'm the best thing since sliced bread! And then, after a while, I can't do anything right, and off she goes. I wonder if the "E" in NRE stands, or could stand, for Euphoria, which is very short lived.
Greg 2015-07-24 03:05:56
I'm on the other end of the spectrum, the more I get to know them, the less I like them. Any tips on how to actually experience this NRE? Just keep fucking them until one that's not like the rest comes along?
Troubadour 2015-07-24 04:17:52
If you enjoy NRE and want to fall in love all over again every time you gaze into her beautiful brown eyes, get a Great Dane.
Blackdragon 2015-07-24 06:38:21
I wonder if the “E” in NRE stands, or could stand, for Euphoria, which is very short lived.It stands for Energy, but Euphoria is a much more accurate term. I like it.
Any tips on how to actually experience this NRE? Just keep fucking them until one that’s not like the rest comes along?Pretty much, yes. But remember I say Not Like The Rest™ sarcastically. The woman you get NRE for is just like all the rest, just a little bit better (maybe).
Blowhard 2015-07-24 07:15:19
The woman you get NRE for is just like all the rest, just a little bit better (maybe)I remember reading some jungian psychology stuff that mentions this feeling as being a projection of parts of yourself onto another person... so this NRE is partly about falling in love with yourself (but seen as another person). Although Jungian pscych is a bit out there, I think it's another case for good inner game. If you already accept a ton about yourself, there's no need to project your own stuff onto some girl. Back during my beta male days, I would see a hot, smart, sexual woman and think she was better than anyone else in the world and would do anything to keep her... while knowing nearly nothing about her. Now, when I date a woman, I *know* shes' fucked up like everybody is; know that I'm better than her in a lot of ways; and I just don't know the whole story yet. This helps keep me from succumbing to NRE.
Al 2015-07-24 07:27:32
I remember reading some jungian psychology stuff that mentions this feeling as being a projection of parts of yourself onto another person… so this NRE is partly about falling in love with yourself (but seen as another person).I think that we are all attracted (to some extent anyway) to women who are like ourselves. So, to begin with, we see all the good in them. BUT, if that person if very like us, then eventually we will see in them things that we dislike about ourselves. So the attraction diminishes as they remind us of things we dislike in ourselves. It works both ways of course. And it is possible that this sort of projection is not all that far removed from the dreaded narcissism. 😕
lazy guy 2015-07-25 07:12:53
@ Blowhard and @ Al, A lot of NRE is about your ego and your ongoing self-criticism. A man's ego and his habit of self-criticism (or self-rejection) has him craving approval from those whose opinions he deems important. He meets this new woman who seems so great that he views her as being qualified to judge him, so when SHE thinks he's wonderful, he feels GREAT, and she seems to be the source of his great new happiness. It's a state of emotional dependency. If you let someone elevate you off the ground, then you are at their mercy not to let you down. You set yourself up for it by having ongoing egotism and self-scorn before you met her, and then by presuming she is qualified to judge you and pronounce you worthy of admiration. You will be less prone to the illusions and turbulence of NRE if you make a habit of keeping your ego in check, keep your self-criticism reasonable and compassionate, and don't presume someone else is awesome when you don't know everything about them. (Parallel: the folly of being trained to admire & envy celebrities who may be privately awful & miserable).
Al 2015-07-25 07:20:49
@ lazy guy You sum it up very well. "She likes me, therefore I can like myself." She of course, feels the same. So the mutual adoration society is formed.......until it wears off, which it will. I wonder if laziness comes into it as well. "This woman let's me put my willy in her on a regular basis and the sex is very good. So AT LAST, I can settle down a bit".
POB 2015-07-25 17:53:29
Just a quick observation. As much as there are no magical pussies, guys need to realize there are also no golden cocks. The full-on NRE a girl feels about you will be awesome and boost your ego through the roof but it will eventually fade. After that your gorgeous golden cock will turn into a not so nice piece of salami she can easily avoid with a bunch of lame excuses. And yes, I agree with everyone who defends the focus should always be about yourself. If I could go back in time like 10-15 years, I would just slap my younger self 3 times in the head and tell him not to loose focus on any goals and mission because of anyone...buuut, I guess we men are really slow learners.
JRM 2015-07-26 20:19:11
How about when NRE wears off and your lady friend wonders why you're not banging her 10x in a row anymore and senses a bit of disconnect? That's what I struggle with. I can keep myself composed during NRE, it's when it fades away and they can sense something is up, and of course you can't rationally explain to them the concept of NRE, thanks to Disney.
L 2015-07-27 03:43:45
^ LOL I recently had this. "You're not as hard as often anymore" (she was saying iit curiously). Amazes me myself actually; I'm inexperienced but have to admit that even I started worrying about this. Thought I was having low test symptoms or something because I'm just impartial to sex sometimes now, but at one point banged her 7 times in one day. This has put my mind at ease.
JoshuaTenor 2015-07-27 10:01:08
Great article BD! I sure do know about doing these two things during NRE:
2. Moving in with a woman when you shouldn’t. 3. Getting married when you shouldn’t.
Erin 2015-07-27 17:26:45
Good post and relevant to women, at least on some aspects, not necessarily custody issues until the courts evolve to embrace true equality between parents and stop fucking over dads. The comment about baby momma's flabby stomach and stretch marks bums me out. You can't help your preference but as a mom of two that's worked hard to get back to size 4 I still have a soft tummy over my strong core and some faded stretch marks. Makes me wonder if I should just dress in a way to never reveal that to a man, especially during sex, by wearing a teddy or something.
Al 2015-07-27 23:34:45
@ Erin Regarding stretch marks (and small boobs as well) - I measure this in terms of effort. My favorite gal is beautiful in every regard. She makes every effort to stay that way. Hygiene - also very important to me - is topmost on her list. She is a B cup but they are a beautiful shape and are still pert. She has some stretch marks. I love her naked. Sex with her is fantastic. Do your best and if someone doesn't like, there is someone else who will. If you are happy and confident yourself, that's all that counts. As an aside regards the main topic, I've just watched an episode of Boston Legal. Quote: The heart is a real bastard. 🙂
Sasa 2015-07-28 03:49:22
NRE is a way to find hidden things for your self. Energy fields connected can be a good opportunity to reveal burried emotions and desires. It is true, it last to little because when New fades away ego rules take charge. Both genders feel it but i think women are more open to that. Men trying to preserve a mystery and are often bonded in their insecurity of beeing revealed their vulneral points. Though women who are more emotional creatures(at least at the beginning) are enjoying this revelation of them selves. I think men are more weak into monogamy just after the NRE when they got tones of womans admire during the period of NRE, which of course is fake and temporal.
themaster 2015-07-29 13:29:51
No man gets past NRE without getting Oneitid at least once in their lifetime. BD got it with his ex wife as has every heterosexual man in existence that has had more than 10 sexual partners. NRE is biological and only our rational minds can override it's potentially precarious effects. The foolish men are the ones that get Oneitis more than once in their life. It's best to get Oneitis when you are really young so you don't fall for the disastrous consequences as an adult when much more is on the line. Men should fuck and have relationships as young as possible because no amount of forewarning or rational explanation will prevent at least one episode of Oneitis in a mans life There is no alpha in existence that hasn't had at least a single episode of Oneitis. The lessons from it are what harden and discipline an Alpha male so it never occurs again.
Drexel Scott 2015-07-31 20:00:23
Great post. Abundance a long way towards mitigating NRE. Ie, if she is the only girl you're sleeping with, you are 100x more likely to make bad decisions while feeling it, than if she is the fifth girl in your rotation. In those cases, at a certain level of abundance, NRE is completely avoided. Ultimately, the more "complete" you feel on your own, the less this kind of power-shift occurs when women are around.
L 2015-08-01 10:27:00
Hi all, I could do with some advice from the people here if that's okay? I'll keep it short as possible and it goes a little off topic but I'd appreciate advice from outside my own head. It's one of those times you gotta hear it from the outside, I think. Me and my GF have the typical mono relationship set up. Both early twenties. After the first few months together, and the NRE passed (its now just over a year), she started being pretty condescending when talking to me. In fact, it's got so bad now that (I know I'll be called a pussy for this, but I have a mild anxiety disorder) the thought of saying or commenting my opinion on most things to her just worries me because I can almost guarantee it'll be shot down as stupid. I get spoken to as such an inferior most times that half the time I don't comment at all. In fact, I feel my self-esteem lowering to the point I'm close to depression. I've ended up stopping texting her almost completely because of the condescending responses I get. I hate it. As an example, I texted her about watching a series together today that I like. Figured I'd try not let it get to me. And...... she made a sarcastic comment and called it gay. So that's it, I'm done with texting unless necessary. I've honestly come to feel like I'm always inferior because of the way I get spoken to. It doesn't matter what it is. Change hairstyle and it gets mocked. Pretty much anything you can imagine saying, I'll get told 'why do that, it's dumb' etc, or something equivalent. She told me once that if I was feeling down or whatever, tell her. So I decided to tell her that I am indeed suffering with anxiety (it was terribly difficult to tell her), and working on it. Her response was 'I don't really know what to say tbh, I don't mind'. A response that, to me, seems borderline sociopathic. The other week she was going to meet up with 2 of her friends for lunch, but I wasn't hungry and I didn't want to go anyway. I saw her text her friend, quoting me saying "not hungry" as if accusing me of lying, and then saying ' I was just being a boring dickhead'. I saw this by accident and confronted her; she made up some BS about it being a private joke and said "You say i talk to you like shit, but I do the same with all my friends", as if that makes it okay. I think its time to get out of here, the condescension is getting so bad I feel like I'm in a dictatorship, and my anxiety is through the roof. Anytime before I text her I get a rapid heart rate because I fear the response. Opinions? The sex is just as good as it always has been, but I think that is probably what's keeping me around. Any time I've brought these things up, she goes in a mood and then deflects it onto me, saying 'you do the same'. Makes me end up thinking its actually my fault.
Erin 2015-08-01 10:59:07
@ L, I'm sure the men on here will tell you similar, but it's time to move on. If anyone treats you like that, man or woman, they don't value you. At some point you ceded power to your GF and she must be confident that you'll continue to put up with her behavior. You shouldn't. Cut slingload and move on.
L 2015-08-01 11:40:18
Thanks Erin. At first I had control of it and put a stop to it. I said I wouldn't accept being spoken to in such ways (this was last August, September I said that). She got the message and would not do it. But over time, and due to other things bringing me down, it's bypassed me and she's crept it past my defence. I haven't challenged it, and it's only gone and dragged my self esteem down and, well...you saw my description of how bad it's got me. Im past the point of no return now I guess. Any action by me is blown off and dismissed, deflected back on me in a twisted way, or laughed at. Guess she doesn't take me seriously no more. I slipped up. I do believe it's time to cut sling load as you say!
L 2015-08-01 11:57:56
As much as BD's foot will go straight up my ass If he sees what I wrote, I'll never be dumb enough to go mono again; it was great until I did. Was seeing more than one woman and that was new for me. Felt great and I had never had such high self esteem. Her friends commented on me being a good catch looks wise, and a male friend of hers (who is straight) said I was way out of her league to her (and she agreed). Her loss! Oh that feels good. My confidence is coming back already.
giulio 2016-04-21 02:50:28
great post BD. QUESTION: you said that to start correctly a non-monogamous relationship you shouldn't see her more than once a week, you shouldn't text her everyday and you shouldn't behave like a boyfriend in general. Ok, but how can you behave like this when you are in NRE? as you said NRE is very powerful and enjoyable and I find it very difficult to limit the relationship at this stage to meeting once a week and not texting or answering her.
Blackdragon 2016-04-21 11:13:14
QUESTION: you said that to start correctly a non-monogamous relationship you shouldn’t see her more than once a week, you shouldn’t text her everyday and you shouldn’t behave like a boyfriend in general. Ok, but how can you behave like this when you are in NRE? as you said NRE is very powerful and enjoyable and I find it very difficult to limit the relationship at this stage to meeting once a week and not texting or answering her.Good question. The answer is, you man-up and do it anyway. During NRE you can text her and/or call her every once and a while, that's fine. But not every single fucking day. I think you have the ability to not text/call every single day. It's a matter of degree. And if you want to see her more often, increase the length of the once-a-week visit. instead of 4 or 5 hours, make it all day and she spends the night. Then you don't see her until next week. Perfectly fine.
Bulma78 2016-07-06 12:28:49
I think its time to get out of here, the condescension is getting so bad I feel like I’m in a dictatorship, and my anxiety is through the roof. Anytime before I text her I get a rapid heart rate because I fear the response. Opinions? The sex is just as good as it always has been, but I think that is probably what’s keeping me around.This is a perfect example of why BD says to always be seeing more than one person. I don’t think it can make any more sense in this type of situation. The proof is, you are sticking around only for fear of going “cold turkey” (being alone/no sex). If you were already seeing someone else alongside her, then you’d just be having an awesome time with the other girl during the times this one decides to treat you like dirt…..and by the way, if you had been seeing someone additional this entire time, hopefully you would have ditched this biotch shortly after she began her rude and disrespectful behavior. Then how much do you want to bet her tune would change after knowing you were out having fun with someone else and had other options? She’d probably shape up pretty fast.