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Why Sex Is More Important Than You Think
One of the most frequent objections to the Alpha Male 2.0, non-monogamous lifestyle I advocate, particularly from women but sometimes from men as well, is “sex isn’t that important.”
-By Caleb Jones
It’s immature: “Having a lot of sex is fine when you’re young, but eventually you need to grow up.”
It’s important but not that important: “Sex isn’t the only important thing in a relationship.”
Defensive: “Relationships aren’t all about sex, you know!”
Low sex drive: “I had sex a few weeks ago. It wasn’t even that good. I don’t need it. Eh.”
Ad hominem: “If you want sex all the time, then yeah, something’s wrong with you. A true man / real man / gentleman / doesn’t need to hump and pump all the time.”
Bitter Female: “Men are liars and cheaters. They’re too much work. I don’t need a man. I’m happier by myself.”
Bitter Male: “Women are all a bunch of angry feminists now! I’m not going to play their game! MGTOW is the way to go.”
Monogamous wife in a marriage longer than three years: “Um, excuse me, but I’m not his hooker! That’s not my job!”
Bullshit Disney: “You’ll find that if you’re truly in love with someone, you don’t need to have sex all the time. You can just hold each other, look into each other’s eyes and it’s just as good.”
Lazy: “Sex? Eh, too much work. I’d rather jerk off to porn. So much easier.”
I am now going to explain why all the above people are completely wrong. Like most people in society when they discuss dating and relationships, they’re using their own emotions, experiences and preferences in order to distort fact.
The fact is that sex is a fundamental, core, biological, human need. It’s on the same level as food, water, and oxygen.
If you haven’t seen it before, here is Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs:
It works like this. You need the items at the very bottom level of the pyramid. These are not optional. You need them for fundamental human survival. You don’t necessarily need anything in the upper levels to survive, but the higher you go the happier and more fulfilled you’ll be.
First, you go for the items at the bottom level, the physiological needs. Only when you’ve received those things do you then move into the next level, Safety. When you’ve got that level covered, you move on to the next, and so on.
Inmates in prison are never beyond the first level (until they get released). Most people in society never get beyond the third level, and very few people in the world (as a percentage) consistently operate at the top level, Self-actualization. (I do, as do people I respect, but we’re statistically rare.)
If, for some reason, the upper levels are suddenly taken from you, you’ll instantly forget about them and focus once again on the first level. I could be the most intellectually-evolved, self-actualized person in the world, but if I fall off a cruise ship and land in the water, suddenly things like love and creativity don’t matter. I’m solely focused on survival needs, like oxygen and warmth.
Now take a look at the above chart and locate sex. What level it is on? Two? Four?
Nope. It’s at level one, a core survival-based physiological need. It’s right down there with food, breathing, sleep, and going to the bathroom.
If you’re a sexual importance denier (like that term? heh) you’re probably still not convinced. You’re thinking something like, “Oh, bullshit. That chart's wrong. If I don’t drink water, I’ll die in like three days. If I don’t eat any food, I’ll die in two weeks. But I can go years without having any sex and I won’t die.”
If you stop having sex, or even stop having regular sex (i.e. you have sex once every few weeks and think that’s “enough”) then make no mistake, you will be damaged physiologically and psychologically. The difference is that this damage and pain will take much longer to notice. Just like with the frog in the slowly boiling pot, you may not even notice that these negative effects have already taken place. Like most sexless married people, you’ll slowly become accustomed to your new, lower levels of health and happiness, and consider that “normal” for you. When in fact, it isn’t normal for you at all.
As time goes on, you’ll slowly suffer more and more physiological and psychological pain and damage, while defensively snorting to all the happy people having sex all the time that “sex isn’t that important” or that you “don’t need it” or that it’s “immature.”
What exactly are these negative effects of not having sex? Let us count the ways:
1. Not having sex at least three times a week doubles your risk of heart attack. [*]
2. Not having sex several times a week damages your sense of smell. [*]
3. Men who don’t have sex at least once a week double their chances of developing erectile dysfunction.[*]
4. Sex reduces pain, both chronic and acute. Endorphins released during sex alleviate all kinds of pain including migraines, PMS cramping, and even arthritis. [*] I have seen this happen with many women in my life. One woman in particular (one of the best-looking women I’ve ever had sex with) suffered from a genetic condition called lupus, where her entire body would ache regularly. Sex was one of her “treatments.” If she had regular sex, the pain was well under control. When she stopped having sex, the pain would get much worse. I also once dated a woman who was recovering from cervical cancer who experienced the same. Sex is one of the best natural painkillers there is.
5. Women who don’t have regular sex develop looser vaginas. [*] You thought it was women who had a lot of sex who got looser vaginas? Wrong! Lack of sex makes the vaginal muscles relax, resulting in a looser v-jay-jay. How does that sound, ladies?
6. People who don’t have regular sex get sick more often (colds, flu, etc.) because they lack the antibodies sex creates, particularly immunoglobulin A, which drops by 30% when people have sex less than once or twice week. [*] [*]
7. Women who don’t have regular sex will experience much drier vaginas when they hit menopause. [*]
8. Men’s semen is a natural, powerful antidepressant for women. Women who have a man cum inside them on a regular basis are less subject to depression and suicide than other women. [*] [*]
9. Lack of sex reduces testosterone in men and estrogen in women, [*] which introduces all kinds of long-term health and lifestyle problems (which I discuss in detail in my book). It also further reduces the desire for sex.
I found all of the above effects within a 10 minute Google search. I know that if I took an hour or two researching this, I’d find at least another 10-20 ways in which you damage your body and your psyche by saying “sex isn’t that important” or “I don’t need it.”
Because I know someone will bring this up in the comments, masturbation isn’t going to cut it. There are a few health benefits to masturbating (such as prostate health for men) but A) actual sex has many more, B) any health benefits you get from masturbating you also get from sex (plus more) and C) the emotional, self-esteem, and psychological components of sex are not present with masturbation.
Does jerking off to a computer screen make you feel like a real man? Does a woman impaling herself with vibrator feel loved, desired, wanted and sexy? And don’t even get me started on things like porn addiction.
Regular sex is a core biological need you that you have, on the same level of importance as food, water and oxygen. If you deny this, you’re flat out wrong, and I’m glad I’m not you.
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Minister 2016-01-25 05:20:01
Well, dealing with a low sex drive woman or having sex with a lousy partner is EVEN worse than not having sex at all. When I am found in such situations, my self-esteem drops BADLY.
Buzz 2016-01-25 06:33:54
Excellent read BD....so true regarding all the reasons women and men rationalize not having sex...I've also seen that ppl advocate and defend their sexless or near sexless lives simply because it's human nature to defend your existence or where you are at in your life...like religion...lol. my friends make comments about me banging my 19 yo friend. " oh you are a sex addict...my daughter is her age.." I have a couple 40 yo babes in inventory...as well...I show them pics and say "WTF would u do??" All I know is I feel better banging than not ...again great article and inspiration !!!
Buzz 2016-01-25 06:36:41
I'm 55 BTW....
WolfOfGeorgeStreet 2016-01-25 06:43:35
Funny. I considered bringing this up in the prostitution blog post comments (sex vs sexual intimacy), but decided not to because Maslow's hierarchy of needs is just a theory, and it has received heavy criticism within the field of psychology. It's certainly something I've though alot about, and probably even used more than once when presenting my own arguments re. the important of sex. However, one of the most controversial issues with the pyramid is the placement of sex as a physiological need. Certainly people can (and have) gone their entire lives without sex and have certainly achieved needs higher up the pyramid, but none can claim to have done the same without breathing, food or water. The other problem (and highly contentious issue) is it places sex BELOW security of body, what's the implication there? Consider this: - If you were starving and sure to die if you couldn't find food but the only way you could get food was to steal it, would you? Even if the penalty for such a crime was death? Absolutely, I'm sure many people would, you're going to die anyway so you have nothing to lose. - If you were a virgin and the only way you were going to ever get laid was to rape someone, would you? Even if the penalty for the the crime was much more lenient than death. - Even ignoring your own security of body in that thought experiment what about the security of body of the woman being raped? Does your individual need for sex outweigh the security of body of the woman you're raping? That is one of many problems I see with the pyramid. I think sex is important to a person's happiness, VERY important, but it's not needed for an individual's survival as the pyramid implies.
carmichael reid 2016-01-25 07:18:58
Talking about sex in the open is a taboo in today's society. I'm not sure why that is, but anyone who is thought to have a high sex drive is really ostracized from society. I don't listen to much of the manosphere anymore because of the scarcity philosophy towards sex. It maybe because we live in a world where having sex with one person for 50 years is the dream that we are sold everyday. Until it isn't. That's when most guys consult blogs like this. Granted NRE there is pure effort free sex. But like anything what goes up must come down. For any reasons, for some reason I know alot of guys who are squeemish when sex is brought up. I find it's guys who turn down high sex driven women and categorize them as sluts or freaks. They are scared of them. Guy Disney to the Max and Most Manosphere propaganda. I don't argue with people anymore about much. They live in their own bubble and converse with people like themselves. The downsides of hitting the Relationship Lotto (marrying your high school/college sweetheart) is seriously the boring sex. This is why sex and porn are such popular industries. Men suppress women to be these polite little dolls out of pure insecurity, low self esteem and the myth that men control women. As a self investing man, it is a pure goal to hit the pinnacle of Maslow's Pyramid. I think sex should not be listed as a foundational need. Sex is the pyramid. The greater the sex you are having, the better problem solver and creator you are. Anyone withholding this from you is torching your identity as a human being. I think I answered my own question. Most people are lack a truly free and uncontrolling identity.
maldek 2016-01-25 07:35:37
@Wolf Placing sex at the foundation of the pyramid is because of children. No sex means no children means no future of mankind. Lets go back to adam and eve. If they dont eat they will die. If they do not fuck they will not die right away but when they die (from old age) the human race is done. Sex at the base level stands for the future survival of the human race. An act of rape would perfectly meet this goal while intercourse with a condom would not. Sex at level 3 is called sexual intimacy and perhaps closer to "modern day sex". Sex for fun and happyness. Nothing wrong with it. You can survive without it but you may feel less happy. All the above said: Any relationship starts with sex. If there is no sex there is no relationship or marriage. A sexless marriage is no longer a real marriage at all. Maybe a friendship, maybe a business partnership but certainly not the real thing. Dont fool yourself. If you dont fuck your wife frequently there is something wrong and you should move on.
Bobby 2016-01-25 07:50:40
I would sort of agree with Wolf... Sex is VERY important, but it probably shouldn't be on the same level as food, water, oxygen, and sleep. I would take this post further though.... not only is sex important, it's also important for a man to have sex with MANY different partners in his lifetime. From an evolution stand point, this is what we are meant to do. Men are just wired to constantly crave Variety.
CrabRangoon 2016-01-25 08:28:18
Great stuff-sex IS important and I'm tired of people saying it isn't within a relationship. What do you really have if there's little to no sex in your romantic relationship It's called a friendship...oh but don't you dare go fuck anyone else even if we're not fucking anymore!!! What I can't fathom are women who go for months or longer without it. It might explain why they're a tad moody and heavy drinkers.
Irish 2016-01-25 08:30:54
"bullshit disney" - perfect name for it
Gluteus_Maximus 2016-01-25 09:46:06
Lmao I don't know about you guys but after I dropped out of college (and knowing myself, I knew the following would happen anyways but still did it willingly) I didn't have sex with a single woman for about 3-4 years. I literally focused on teaching myself a brand new set of skills and in designing and creating my first business. I also lost a lot of weight from saving money on food and not spending gas to go to the gym (not to mention the gym membership itself) to stay afloat without having to have a job the entire time and to instead focus on teaching myself the skills I needed. I "survived" with a fleshlight. THANK FUCKING GOODNESS for it. HAH Anyways, were there negative long-term effects? Not sure. I fuck about 2-3x a week now. And I've regained my weight/muscle mass and MORE. It can be done. And I think in certain ways, or circumstances it can also be beneficial. I've known old buddies, whom, had sex quite a bit during college alongside me, but after graduating couldn't find jobs to fit their degrees and going into bouts of depression. First girl they'd find, or who started to accept them for where they were at, or some shit like that, they'd cling onto her and in their desperation get used, burned. Repeat. They'd be coworkers, ex-girlfriends. So much drama I had to ditch them. Not to mention, 3-4 years is a long time to reflect. After that temporary period of extreme rustiness being away from the game for so long, I was quick to no longer make the same mistakes I made with interacting with women, with the food I ate, and especially how I worked out. I'd say, if someone were to drastically change their circumstances for the better, that they should be prepared to fulfill their sexual/intimacy desires if at all possible during the transition. But if it's not very likely, they shouldn't be afraid either to go without sex for awhile, so long as it's for something greater.
carmichael reid 2016-01-25 09:53:22
@Glueteus True. But the something greater usually leads to having high SMV. No one works out and self invests for themselves and themselves only. Granted it might be for yourself, but usually it's for others, typically for the opposite sex. Having Sex and being sexually motivated to achieve goals to have better sex is really the same thing in my opinion. Most people are none of the above and are usually the most egotistical, insecure and controlling people in their relationships in life.
Blackdragon 2016-01-25 09:54:27
I’ve also seen that ppl advocate and defend their sexless or near sexless lives simply because it’s human nature to defend your existence or where you are at in your lifeCorrect. It's the same as when people defend monogamy. The thing is, even when I was married and monogamous (and not getting a lot of sex) and even when the marriage was good, I never knee-jerk defended it. I actually told people back then, "Hey, I love my wife and I love my kids, but this marriage thing is a horrible system for a man and I don't recommend it. There's got to be a better way to love a woman." I guess I'm weird.
Certainly people can (and have) gone their entire lives without sex and have certainly achieved needs higher up the pyramid, but none can claim to have done the same without breathing, food or water.I addressed that exact point in the article. Please re-read it if necessary.
I think sex is important to a person’s happiness, VERY important, but it’s not needed for an individual’s survival as the pyramid implies.and
Sex is VERY important, but it probably shouldn’t be on the same level as food, water, oxygen, and sleep.Yeah, the Maslow stuff isn't gospel. I view each level in the pyramid as a grouping of sub-levels within each. So if you take the bottom level, oxygen would be at the very "bottom," then water, then food, then a few other things, then sex at the top of that level (perhaps). Sex is still a core biological need, and here's my evidence: Why do you think normal, heterosexual guys eventually start having sex with other men once they're in prison long enough? Because sex is an uncontrollable, core, biological need.
Talking about sex in the open is a taboo in today’s society. I’m not sure why that is, but anyone who is thought to have a high sex drive is really ostracized from society.It's because of the right-wing, religious, puritanical roots of American society that still fester even to today, even with American left-wingers. You don't see a lot of Europeans with this problem, for example.
I find it’s guys who turn down high sex driven women and categorize them as sluts or freaks.Yeah, those guys are insane and I've been saying that for years. Put on a condom and enjoy yourself, you slut-shaming pussy!
Great stuff-sex IS important and I’m tired of people saying it isn’t within a relationship.As I've noted before, most people only say this once they're in a relationship (or marriage) for a long time and the sex starts to get stale. Then they start whining about sex not being important. As I've said, you very rarely see single people say this, or people in new relationships say this.
superslaviswife 2016-01-25 10:00:17
Good post. I think people also tend to push it up a level or two (or down, in priority terms) when they have something on a higher level to focus on. Give an artist a deadline and they may assume that the art and deadline (self-actualization, self-esteem) plus air, food, water, bathroom breaks and MAYBE some sleep is all they need. Everything else goes awry. But then their stress is magnified and they begin to associate work with the lowest level, pushing sleep into the second level and sex up into the third. In short, put enough pressure on someone and work replaces sex and all but the bare minimum sleep on their survival scale. OTOH, those people who enjoy their food and drink, who make time daily to have sex and/or masturbate, get to bed at a reasonable hour most nights and invest more in the second and third levels tend to be far happier and more successful when they apply themselves to higher levels. Possibly because when you find deep pleasure in basic survival and your everyday work, you don't feel the need to waste time, resources or energy chasing anything else, so higher pursuits are followed with a clearer mind and become low-risk, low-reward, which is also very low stress. There is also the argument that the pyramid can be flipped around, that success or natural ability in the higher levels begets the lower levels, ultimately ensuring survival. But that's a much longer discussion.
Blackdragon 2016-01-25 10:01:06
(not having sex for a long time) can be done. And I think in certain ways, or circumstances it can also be beneficial.I did the same thing in my early 20s (went a long period without sex), and I can tell you for a fact that it was not a good idea and I did suffer. What you're talking about are the benefits from not dating or doing pickup or having any relationships or female entanglements for a few years, and yes, I absolutely agree that can be beneficial and that benefited me as well. But not having sex for a years is a really, really bad thing for a person. I think I still have some scars in my pscyhe somewhere from A) taking such a long time to lose my virginity and B) taking such a long time away from sex in my early years. What I should have done, and what you should have done, was to get an FB and just fuck her occasionally while still being focused on your own goals. Once I did this back then, holy shit, I felt sooooooo much better. Yet I could still focus on on my work and myself because I wasn't dating anyone, didn't have a girlfriend, and wasn't trying to be a PUA. That's the mistake a lot of young guys make. It's not about sex, it's about where you focus your time. And sex (with an FB or two, or even with a hooker) doesn't require a lot of time or focus.
John Smith 2016-01-25 10:38:17
I can't argue that going without sex doesn't have negative consequences or that having regular sex doesn't produce positive benefits - both physiologically and psychologically, but like some others who have commented I have trouble seeing it on the same level as food, water and air. For one thing, it's not a need that everyone has their entire life - it only kicks in sometime after adolescence whereas food, water and oxygen are needs from day 1. It would be interesting to know when those negative consequences start accruing. Does a sexually active teenager have a lower risk of heart attack than a celibate peer or do these things only become factors in middle age? That might be interesting ammunition in the abstinence only vs. comprehensive sex ed debate. Not that additional evidence will change the purity vow crowds mind. "My iron age book says God hates young people fucking..." 😕 The other reason I wouldn't put it on the bottom level is that you can't die from lack of sex directly - it just increases your risk of dying from other causes or reduces the general quality of your life. You can draw straight lines between not eating, not drinking, not breathing and not sleeping and dying.
Gluteus Maximus 2016-01-25 10:48:14
"I can tell you for a fact that it was not a good idea and I did suffer." Absolutely, you're right. It was fucking tough. And I NEVER want that shit to happen AGAIN. The question/answer about making backups in your newsletter is a perfect example of the resulting mentality. I also have systems in place for all kinds of worst case scenarios. AND I live WAY UNDER my means. I have YEARS worth of funds (that includes use for escorts) just in case shit ever happens. "I think I still have some scars in my pscyhe somewhere..." Keyword being "I think," right, cuz it's like can you really pinpoint what they are? And are they really that bad? If it's something with your personality, I don't know, I keep coming back to this blog for example. Women come back to ride your cock. Customers keep buying my shit over other people's shit. But going back to the blog thing, it's this one and Steve Pavlina's that I regularly check. And that dude is fucking weird. "What I should have done, and what you should have done, was to get an FB and just fuck her occasionally while still being focused on your own goals." Although I agree, I'm pretty sure, at the time especially, thinking shit like "fuck, I'm a dropout," 'I personally' would've gotten attached and fucked things up. If that one girl was my only source of pussy, and I wasn't going out to meet new people... "Once I did this back then, holy shit, I felt sooooooo much better. Yet I could still focus on on my work and myself because I wasn’t dating anyone, didn’t have a girlfriend, and wasn’t trying to be a PUA." This is where I started to use escorts. Not just because I was rusty and using them as a transitioning tool, but also because I wanted to cuddle and embrace women too without the other shit. I knew back then I couldn't do that with fuckbuddies.
Shanghai Bobby 2016-01-25 12:34:15
Hiya BD, Great article! The question I had for you regarding your article is how you'd respond when someone raises the topic of sexual transmutation, which is practiced by very respectable and accomplished people like Ghandi, Napoleon Hill and Eckhart Tolle? If I remember correctly, these guys all practiced celibacy and transmuted their sexual energy into actual energy, which helped them achieve great heights. I by no means advocate for having reduced sex/no sex. I also see that these practitioners embody very feminine looking physical traits, which usually indicate reduced testosterone levels. Would you say that these guys are the rare exceptions, who are truly enlightened and hence can truly say the act of sex isn't mandatory? From my deduction, the barrage of excuses that you usually get stem from some kind of incompetence or defensiveness. Would be awesome to hear your thoughts on this! Cheers, SB
Blackdragon 2016-01-25 13:41:55
This is where I started to use escorts. Not just because I was rusty and using them as a transitioning tool, but also because I wanted to cuddle and embrace women too without the other shit. I knew back then I couldn’t do that with fuckbuddies.Haha! That's the first time I've heard of a man wanting to use escorts instead of FBs so he could cuddle before and after sex. Made me laugh.
Ghandi, Napoleon Hill and Eckhart Tolle? If I remember correctly, these guys all practiced celibacy and transmuted their sexual energy into actual energy, which helped them achieve great heights.I've been asked that question several times before and my answer has always been the same: I am not as spiritually enlightened as a man like Gandhi, and never will be. You are not as spiritually enlightened as Gandhi, and never will be. Sure, it's possible to go cloister yourself in a remote mountain monastery in Tibet, go celibate, hang out with the monks and say "om, om, om" for a few years, and use that to achieve interesting things with your life. But the reality is only 1 out of about 2000 Western men reading these words are going to have both the ability and the desire to actually do this. The other 1,999 guys are going to experience severe dysfunction if they go without sex for any reason (not dating, not relationships, not pickup, but sex) for long periods. Indeed, I've seen several guys try to go celibate for the reasons you mentioned (transmutation, spiritual enlightenment, etc) and in every case I've seen, eventually, not immediately, but eventually, these guys go crazy or get super pissed off, go get laid, and admit they probably made a mistake. (Yeah, ya think?) You aren't Gandhi. Neither am I. We're flesh-and-blood, flawed men, saddled with the needs of men. You'll be much happier if you admit it, embrace it, and integrate this into your life rather than pretending to be something else.
Red 2016-01-25 19:38:14
This post goes well with the prostitution one. If you must (or if you choose) that freaky escort is very good for your heart and your hormone balance. Anyone trying to drive down the importance of regular sex with healthy, curvy women is simply not getting any and is patching up their own psyche or trying to shapeshift their emotional mind into one that can accept boredom. How many guys married ten years even give a crap about seeing their nude wife? Maybe a few. For the others, it's simply bad for the heart and balls...crawling into bed at night with a woman you wouldn't walk ten feet to see nude, giving that viper-quick kiss-strike to the temple with a 'goodnight' and laying there next to a woman who hasn't given you a boner in years. Getting an eyeful of the neighbor girl sunbathing and then transferring that boner to your wife doesn't count. Jesus, how dismal. I had a friend who married young, dream-girl. all that. She immediately packed on 70 and he has hinted quite strongly at some or other serious issue. I think it's his weiner. Obviously he won't say anything directly to me over such an issue. He has undergone very serious hormone treatments, medications etc and he is in some kind of critical situation. A nut zapping wife might seriously shorten your life and not just a year or two. Get access to sexual women however you can. It does belong on the bottom level. The speed of the onset of death shouldn't determine the importance there. You need to have basic health squared away and access to attractive women demands that.
Red 2016-01-25 19:50:27
Don't automatically hold Gandhi up as Mr. Desires Under Control Guy. He was a total freak. Klismaphilia. Enemas, wanting to give enemas to young women (up close and personal too, not just turn some hose on and leave. He wanted results), sleeping with naked, underage women to prove his sanctity (or not). He was a weird, sexual mess obsessed with shitting and who knows what else. So Gandhi only proves BD's point. If he did really refrain from sex, it only caused his libido to rear it's head (no pun intended) in other worse, possibly more damaging and time-wasting ways.
Parade 2016-01-25 20:13:13
I dunno. I agree with you that sex is important, I disagree with you on the frequency. My feeling is that regular sex is good up to whatever level you want. I know I'm pretty different from the norm here, but I don't think that it's going to damage me in any appreciable way because I'm not having as much sex as BD thinks I should be. In fact, I think it'd actually damage me if I had as much sex as recommended here. I've done it before, and I find that, while I can have sex 3x/week or more, I can't keep it up for more than 2-3 weeks before I start to get annoyed at the thought of sex. Basically(and again, I'm not normal in this respect) I start to think "ya know, I really don't want to be going over / having her over / having sex, I'd rather be doing X", and if I have the chick come over anyway, it's always a lackluster performance on my part. The hotness of the chick doesn't matter at all. The newness of her matters a little bit (it's easier to do 4x / week with a new chick). It's mostly the energy that goes into sex. If she came over, got me off, and left without me having to *do* anything(talk to her, fuck her, literally do anything) that'd probably be fine (don't know for sure since I haven't found a chick like that), but if I have to actually put energy into fucking her or getting her off, well, once or twice per week is all that's sustainable for me. I'm probably a low sex drive kind of person, but I'd really modify what BD said to "not having as much sex as you actually want is harmful"
BlindIo 2016-01-25 21:43:39
People don't want others to do better than them. That's where a lot of the objections come from. Edit: And I see someone already beat me to the point. Seems we all think alike around here.
Blackdragon 2016-01-25 22:03:32
I disagree with you on the frequency.The issue of frequency is an entirely different discussion (and perhaps worth and an entirely different blog post). You're absolutely right; some men have much higher or much lower sex drives than others. I'm most comfortable when I have sex three times a week, but that's way too much for a lot of guys. Perfectly fine. My point here is that some people use a low sex drive to excuse an entire lack of sex. That's bullshit. You're not doing this, but I've seen many others to this, both men and women. Take the guy who hasn't had sex in eight months, talking about how sex isn't that important because "he doesn't need it every day." Or the jaded over-33 woman who hasn't had sex in two years and says it's because "you don't need sex to be happy" or "sex is immature." (These are all real examples by the way.) These people might have low sex drives, and that's fine, but they're also full of shit and making excuses. We could argue all day about frequency, but if you're going months and months without sex, certainly years without sex, then you're hurting yourself, at least a little. Just like light eaters still need food to survive, low sex drive people need sex too.
BlindIo 2016-01-26 00:11:45
But how do we get around the negative effects of contraception, whichever form is used? I can't imagine pills that trick women into thinking they are permanently pregnant can be in any way healthy, and even condoms prevent them from getting happy-juice. How do we solve this?
me 2016-01-26 10:23:18
Blackdragon, your arguments here seem weak. They boil down to sex being good for your health. But a lot of things are. Yoga is good for your health, I believe. But who would put yoga at the same level as eating, sleeping and peeing? I bet that physical exercise is at least as beneficial as sex. But you'll notice that "physical exercise" isn't even in the pyramid, let alone at the first level. If you don't eat or sleep or breathe, you die quickly. If you don't have sex, well, maaaybe you'll get a little grumpy. Furthermore: (Lazy: “Sex? Eh, too much work. I’d rather jerk off to porn. So much easier.”) <- here you imply that masturbation is not an adequate substitute for sex, but why not? It does satisfy the biological need.
Mike 2016-01-26 10:31:41
I DID do the research for a couple of hours one week and sent the attached document (with citations) to my wife... Apparently my health is not a big concern for her 🙁 https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B-P2JHTPwoHARzc5Rnozd0VVUXM/view?usp=sharing
Blackdragon 2016-01-26 11:37:38
But how do we get around the negative effects of contraception, whichever form is used? I can’t imagine pills that trick women into thinking they are permanently pregnant can be in any way healthy, and even condoms prevent them from getting happy-juice. How do we solve this?Most forms of female birth control have negative side effects for the woman. It sucks. The only long-term solution is alternate forms of birth control, for both men and women, which are coming, but we all need to be patient. (Being on TRT in the meantime helps.)
They boil down to sex being good for your health. But a lot of things are. Yoga is good for your health, I believeCompletely invalid comparison. You don't experience any negative effects by not doing yoga. You do experience negative effects by not having sex for a prolonged period. Yoga is not a biological need. Sex is. Going off what I mentioned in a comment above, you don't see men in prison suddenly doing yoga in their prison cells because they have biological compulsions to do it, but you do see them start to have sex with other men, even if they were heterosexual to begin with. It's about needs, not what's healthy.
If you don’t eat or sleep or breathe, you die quickly. If you don’t have sex, well, maaaybe you’ll get a little grumpy.Did you not read the article? Go back and re-read it if you did. Slowly.
here you imply that masturbation is not an adequate substitute for sex, but why not? It does satisfy the biological need.Biological needs come in two forms: physiological and psychological, and you must satisfy both. Jerking off satisfies the physiological (as far as I know) but not the physiological. So jerking off gets you 50% there, which I agree is better than nothing. Regardless, I know a few guys who never have sex and jerk off forever, and these are not happy, fulfilled, well-adjusted men.
I DID do the research for a couple of hours one week and sent the attached document (with citations) to my wife…Good article. You should show it to the guy right above you who thinks that not having sex will just make you a little grumpy.
Apparently my health is not a big concern for herIf you're in a monogamous marriage past three years, you're correct. She has about five or six concerns that are more important than your long-term health. (Such as your money, her social standing, her kids, etc.) (I hope you unmarried guys are taking note here.)
BlindIo 2016-01-26 12:08:10
I don't know how one could have a family and still remain happy today. Back when staying together was legally, socially and religiously enforced marriage was the obvious best (or least bad) choice, but we all know that today it is the dumbest fucking thing a man can do to himself. Under the theory that we are still biologically cavemen, and that we are happiest when we live as closely as possible to how we did back then, the only thing I can think of is finding one or two young (very important) girl(s) who is on board with that idea, living with her for a minimum of three years (this is why she must be young) and, if we are compatible on every level (similar amygdala development, shared values beyond sex, sex is still amazing and regular, next to no drama, acceptable political views) then kids can be considered. This all assumes we first change citizenship to some other country without divorce rape laws and that we stay unmarried, staying together because we want to and not because of a contract. Good fucking luck with that, but that's my plan so far.
billyboy 2016-01-26 12:31:58
Sex is extremely important (I'm 28, so yeah young, but not that young). To say otherwise means you're a pussy-whipped dope, frankly. Even when your sex drive is low in your 60s you should probably still fuck once in a while (and I know many old folks do). That said, let's not talk nonsense with the hierarchy of needs. Sex is one of the greatest biological urges imaginable, but survival still trumps reproduction (in homo sapiens, other species may go for the reproduce at all costs thing). That's because you need to be alive to continue fucking. Sex may be near the bottom, but I'd say the very bottom is oxygen/ extreme injury avoidance, predator avoidance, then water, then dumps, then food, then basic shelter. AFTER all that comes sex, and even sex may come after 'fitting into a tribe that won't bash your head in with a rock first.' So yeah it's near the bottom but it's not a basic survival need. If you were trekking acrossing Antartica or the Sahara Desert you wouldn't be thinking 'hey wanna go for a quick fuck dear?'
Readytoleaveguy 2016-01-26 15:33:45
I'm new to this site and have devoured about two thirds of its content in the past 24 hours. One of the common complaints is that wives don't want to have sex after a certain amount of time. But, do most men want to have sex with their wives after 5 years. Doesn't the same thing, no matter how hot, get boring?
carmichael reid 2016-01-26 15:37:56
Has anyone read the red queen, the mating mind and/or sperm wars?
Blackdragon 2016-01-26 16:56:40
I don’t know how one could have a family and still remain happy today.You can't be as happy. Study after study, that I've quoted on this blog, indicate that overall happiness declines when you have kids. This is in addition to the usual problems with monogamy after 3 years. If happiness was your absolute goal in life, you would never get monogamous (but OLTR is okay), never move in with anyone, and never have kids. The problem, again as I've already described before, is that the vast majority of human beings, including red pill men in the manosphere, want to do some or all of these things in their lifetimes, particularly as they cross over into their 40s.
But, do most men want to have sex with their wives after 5 years. Doesn’t the same thing, no matter how hot, get boring?Many men do get sexually bored in long-term monogamy, but A) statistically, women get bored sooner and more often, and B) most long-term married guys still want to fuck their wives even if they don't want to as often as they did during NRE. There are millions of mono-married men who are way past the 3 year mark in their marriage who still want occasional sex from their wives, and their wives don't give it to them. If all men got just as sexually bored as women did, this would not be a common societal thing.
itdoesntmatter 2016-01-26 23:04:26
I guess I read this as Level 1 sexual needs being fulfilled by masturbation or any sexual release and sex with a partner falling under Level 3.
itdoesntmatter 2016-01-26 23:07:21
I'm in a sexless marriage, and I would be OK with semi-regular sex with that. I would (and have) gotten pretty bored with it and probably just coped by doing more productive things. That said, sex absolutely is a need, and my lack of sex adversely affects my health, my income, and the health of my children more than anything else.
WolfOfGeorgeStreet 2016-01-27 03:31:45
You can’t be as happy. Study after study, that I’ve quoted on this blog, indicate that overall happiness declines when you have kids.Are you saying you'd be happier without your kids? Surely it's a case of short term happiness declining due to increased responsibility of raising a kid, but long term happiness increasing, provided the family remains close knit and all the kids survive into your older age. Serious questions. Interested in the perspective of someone who has kids but lives this lifestyle.
TeamMGTOW 2016-01-27 05:53:15
I do not think you have even come close to making the case that sex is psychological need. This is evident by the fact that 99.9% of the world goes the first decade without having sex with little to no consequence. All the benefits you listed are just that benefits. However, you fail to point out the risks of sex (STDs, pregnancies, rape, ect). I'm not saying that these risks are super high but in my opinion the juice is not the squeeze. As you yourself conceded most of the benefits mentioned can be obtained from masturbation, and I do not base my value or self-esteem on my sexual conquests. Better men than me have fucked less beautiful women and morons have fucked more beautiful women. I don't care what other men do. I just figure they should hear both sides of the story before they decide.
Blackdragon 2016-01-27 10:27:23
I do not think you have even come close to making the case that sex is psychological need.Great, prove me wrong: Stop having ALL sex and ALL sexual activity, and just fantasize and jerk off like a teenager, and do that for 4+ years, then come back and tell me honestly how happy, relaxed, and at peace you generally feel.
Are you saying you’d be happier without your kids?Right now, no, since my kids are more or less grown. But during the 10-15 years when they were younger? Yes, I was less happy overall than today and their mother was much less happy. I love my kids more than anything else in the world, so that has nothing to do with it, which is also why so few people will admit what I just did; they think admitting less happiness during the child-raising years means "I don't love my kids," which of course is not the case. I promise you that at least 90% of parents will admit what I just said if they were pumped full of truth serum and in a private room where no one overheard them.
Surely it’s a case of short term happiness declining due to increased responsibility of raising a kid, but long term happiness increasing, provided the family remains close knit and all the kids survive into your older age.No. Three answers to that: 1. Having grown-up kids who don't live with you and whom you only see once or twice a year is not going to jack up your overall happiness to any noticeable degree. I guess if you were some kind of super-family-oriented guy and somehow made sure none of your grown kids ever moved away (good luck with that) and hung out with your grown kids and your grandkids all the time, then maybe. But this is not the norm in the Western world. (It is in the third world though.) 2. The amount of sacrifice, pressure, stress, and unhappiness most people feel during the child-raising years is extreme, far more so than what childless people understand. The slight happiness you might feel later when your kids are older doesn't make up for it at all. On net, you're still less happy. 3. You're not factoring all the unhappiness your older kids can and often do introduce into your life, such as if your daughter has a baby out of wedlock with some dumbass, or your son has drug/alcohol/criminal problems, or your kids going through painful divorces or financial trouble (you can almost guarantee that one), if they have serious medical problems, etc. We're getting off topic though. You can keep discussing this if you like but this will be my last comment on this particular topic in this thread.
Kaminsky 2016-01-27 17:57:27
I think 'psychological need' is being somewhat conflated with 'physical need' here. Sexlessness isn't fatal but it is psychologically fatal, if you will. Your psyche will become very compromised and is likely to spin off into some degree of insanity or 'psychological death'. Your body is still walking around but your emotional psyche goes into a self-defense mode which isn't true emotion. You still think, live and interact but not in a healthy way, certainly not in a way that you will look back on with any fond memory. A sexless male's brain will be a mess of psychological mechanisms which is not a true engagement with life. I was a long-term incel in youth and have to admit that the things that my brain ended up doing to navigate that pain was getting pretty sketchy at times. Looking back, some of the interests and behaviors were purely done to deflect the pain and overcompensate; that means I wasn't really living iow 'psychological death'. I was sick with overcompensation and displacement mechanisms. A young woman's body would have eliminated all of that messiness. That's why I am a form of MGTOW but I don't buy it that guys can go pure MGTOW, but good luck to them.
Kaminsky 2016-01-27 18:02:09
BD, That's what is rarely considered when people think of having children; The absolute disaster scenario...asshole of a kid who hates you...drugs...health issue that costs 300k over 20 years...slutty mudshark...down's syndrome...accidental death...abduction/kidnapping/missing child (my worst nightmare imaginable, even as a childless man). You could say I'm a woosy if you want but to me having kids is like placing a bet where you have to win at a very low odds game, just to have your bet returned with no winnings iow stay as happy as you were single... but then they are such high odds that you will lose everything.
Blackdragon 2016-01-28 10:13:03
I was a long-term incel in youth and have to admit that the things that my brain ended up doing to navigate that pain was getting pretty sketchy at times. Looking back, some of the interests and behaviors were purely done to deflect the pain and overcompensate; that means I wasn’t really living iow ‘psychological death’. I was sick with overcompensation and displacement mechanisms. A young woman’s body would have eliminated all of that messiness.And that's the entire point of the article. Just because we don't die or suddenly have major health problems the instant we stop having sex doesn't mean we don't have strong biological, physiological, and physiological NEED for sex. We do, and it's undeniable. I know when I made this post I'd get some pushback from the more angry, anti-sex, celibate MGTOW crowd, and sure enough I did. They're free to not have sex if they want, but the fact is if you don't have sex ever, you'll experience major dysfunction eventually, and it doesn't matter how mad you are at women or society. Your biology doesn't care about your feelings or political stances.
she 2016-01-30 19:02:20
The question I had for you regarding your article is how you’d respond when someone raises the topic of sexual transmutation, which is practiced by very respectable and accomplished people like Ghandi, Napoleon Hill and Eckhart Tolle?Eastern monks traditionally did so as well, and used breath practices to transmute the sexual energy. But as mentioned above most people do not seek this path or training, nor are aware of it. I imagine Catholic priests literally stew in their own juices and may become imbalanced.
Pete 2016-02-20 08:53:44
I have a question for ya Black. Do you think you think it's a good Idea to get help from mltr or oltr to get dates, or vice versa?
Blackdragon 2016-02-20 11:04:46
Do you think you think it’s a good Idea to get help from mltr or oltr to get dates, or vice versa?Yeah. I do it all the time. Depends on the girl though. Some aren't down for that. Some are.
Wil 2016-04-29 08:28:13
Just came across this article written by someone who took a vow of celibacy, thought it was interesting http://www.thenakedmonk.com/2013/03/10/why-celibacy-is-perverse/
Roka 2016-07-23 23:03:19
Aaron Sleazy,a very legitimate seduction teacher with a lot of past experience(read his book "sleazy stories"),disagrees with you: http://aaronsleazy.blogspot.com/2013/06/who-came-up-with-sex-is-greatest-thing.html Its one thing to hear a possibly bitter celibate MGTOW say this,but if someone like Aaron says this,I'm inclined to listen. That being said,people who crave sex(which is the majority of people really)should indeed not deny their natures(I roll my eyes at self-righteous religious people who shame sex)and go for it. However,there are indeed people out there who don't care much at all about sex(there are all kinds of different reasons,some have very low sex drives,possibly even asexual. there are some who are fully satisfied with just masturbating to porn,and then there are fetishists who crave a different kind of sexual experience but not intercourse. I happen to fall into the 3rd category.) Of course,you may argue that people like me are simply exceptions,but I feel it is ignorant to say that all those who lack the motivation/drive to get sex(and are more interested in other hobbies/pleasures)are simply denying their natures. if you don't crave for something,you probably don't really need it. (if you are indeed craving for something,then learn how to get what you want lest you end up like Elliot Rodger,etc.)
Paul 2016-11-29 08:12:59
Married 50 years and maybe had sex a dozen times and my life isn't any different. I don't really need sex or care for it. So whats the big deal if I ruined my life and I certainly don't care what the wife did all these years its history. I prefer the food, water and Sleep!
Blackdragon 2016-11-29 12:19:54
Married 50 years and maybe had sex a dozen times and my life isn’t any different. I don’t really need sex or care for it. So whats the big deal if I ruined my life and I certainly don’t care what the wife did all these years its history. I prefer the food, water and Sleep!Ah, monogamy. Sounds great. Where do I sign up?
Suger Ray Clone 2017-11-15 21:10:34
I don't know if you still respond to older blog posts but I am curious as to the frequency of your sex when you were married BD? I have been in 5+ LTR's in my 48 years and in most of them I was having willing sex with my partners at least 2x a day for the first year or two. I have always had that kind of sex drive when I was in shape, with every woman I have been with. Usually when things cool off and the new pussy fun drug subsides it dropped down to 1x a day after that. Until the dreaded date came in all cases: the no make up sex event. At that point I was usually happy deep inside because I knew I was about to go out and get new pussy! Sex at that point had fallen off to a few times a week usually. That's right, my personal emergency warning lamp lights up that first time you do not have make up sex with your partner. I know it's the beginning of the end. Never failed me. Not to say I was always smart about it, oneitis has always fucked me over. Recently the worst I've ever experienced. In a 15 year relationship that died 2 years ago. The worst part was we both knew it was over but were avoiding the breakup. Long story short, I had a difficult accident that required surgery, and when I finally was able to go back to earning, she booted me. Left me with 65k in debt from the over all relationship and accident - I burned 30k to keep my business afloat during the injury and recovery. I gained 50 lbs. as a result of laziness up to the accident point, I had stopped lifting, hanging with my bros and doing all the things I used to do (extreme sports athlete). The accident was severe enough that I could not exercise during the recovery so I gained ANOTHER 50 lbs. because of terrible eating and way too much alcohol. After finding your blog and tearing through about 50% of it's content so far I have started a new path back to health, stopped drinking and getting my shit back together so I can get back in the gym and get on with focusing on the A2.0 life I deserve! Looking forward to joining up as soon as I get my shit straight. Thank you for doing what you do. I just wish I had found you a decade ago haha!
Michael 2018-09-25 20:37:05
It is important to get some pussy. What a pleasure it is being inside a woman. And they enjoy it, too, so it is as good as spreading a smile. This one is helping motivate me out of a three year post-marriage dry spell. Thank you for this article!
Ryan 2018-10-23 20:41:42
The elephant-in-the-room that nobody here has said is that... it’s not as easy as it sounds to just “go out there and get sex”... what I mean is that we can’t just walk down the street or a store and start asking strangers for sex... then I know there will be guys saying just go to a bar/club, but what if I can’t stand those type of places?!!
Vorth 2019-03-27 17:04:57
So the pope and the Dalai lama are just nobodies who don't stand a chance at self-actualization. Sex is probably fun and good but it's not the end of the world if you don't have it. Come on people it's 2019 if you don't meet the minimum baseline in height or social skills you WILL NOT get laid ever. I think at this point doing stuff like Meditation such as Awareness Watching Awareness or do nothing is more important than being a big manly guy who has sex with women. For me it was easier to reach inner peace and an ultra calm demeanor then to communicate to women that I want to bang them. I'm 27, still a virgin and this will most likely never change. I work and live alone but am completely invisible socially, I learned to accept it and I try to make the best of it. Maslow is bullshit, we as living beings are inherently self-actualized, we just don't know it. Give the world a middle finger and give yourself the right to be self actualized. Other people are secondary.
Donald 2020-02-19 06:48:02
It's the pairbonding that comes with sex that gives you those benefits. Being close to other people. Problem is most people who are pairbonded have sex with each other so it's hard to prove that it's the pair bonding not sex. Of course you only concentrate on the sex part because you're biased that way. They did tests with other pairbonding animals and wounds took twice as much to heal when you seperate both partners. But they just need to be near to each other again to get back the wound healing to normal. Skin to skin contact even without the possiblity to copulate was enough to restore it. So skin to skin contact is enough in most cases to have all the health benefits above. And guess who doesn't get skin to skin contact? People who don't have sex regulary. The reason is oxytocin that gets released when you have skin to skin contact, it drops your stress hormons. And dropped stress hormons make you healthy again.