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Your Main Girl Should Never Be Your Hottest
Today, I’m going to give some of my usual Controversial Advice™ that a lot of men will completely disagree with. Doesn’t matter. I’m right. This addresses a mistake that I’ve seen hundreds of nonmonogamous (or cheating) Alpha Males make. Virtually every time an Alpha violates this advice he runs into serious trouble in his relationships.
-By Caleb Jones
Examples of this would be guys texting their girl every day, guys taking their FBs out to dinner, or guys going on “event” dates with a woman (hiking, rock climbing, playing pool, concerts, etc.) before they ever have sex with her. These things are all fine for the higher-drama, lower-freedom, scarcity-inducing monogamy model. These are all horrible things for the lower-drama, higher-freedom, abundance model of nonmonogamy.
I’ve talked about the checklist before, including in my podcasts. It’s usually when a woman over age 33 on a first date compares you to her mile-long checklist to the ideal submissive-Alpha man who doesn’t exist. Men often do this too.
There’s one reason for this: monogamy. Under monogamy, you only get to live with, have sex with, date and have feelings for one person. This means that one person literally must be awesome at everything, or else you’re taking a huge risk. That person must be hot and smart and fun and happy and compatible with you and good in bed and a good conversationalist and not vehemently disagree with your political views and not have too many negative habits and comes from a good family and and and AND AND!
This is why searching for long-term monogamous partners is such a huge pain in the ass. You’re searching for one person who checks all the boxes. That’s really fucking hard, and the higher your sexual market value is (i.e. the more attractive a woman is or the wealthier and confident a man is) the harder it gets. Head over to Match.com and you’ll see some of the most frustrated men and women on planet Earth. These are all hardcore monogamists looking for their next perfect spouse. It’s damn hard work (and based on today’s divorce rates it rarely works out anyway).
One of the may beauties of nonmonogamy is that you don’t have to do any of this. Instead of your checklist being applied to one person and being frustrated all the time that you can’t find your Unicorn woman, your checklist is instead applied across several people.
See, it’s not I don’t have a checklist. I sort of do. The difference between me and most other people is:
1. My checklist is very, very short.
2. My checklist can be spread out over 2-4 women. I never, ever attempt to apply the entire thing to one person. That's unworkable and unrealistic.
For example, I’m attracted to shorter women with bigger boobs. If I was a monogamist, I would constantly be “screening” for short women with big boobs. If, for some reason, I ended up on a first date with a woman who was taller or had smaller boobs than advertised online, I would be upset and frustrated that I was wasting my time, even if she was super hot and we got along great. You see monogamists in the dating pool complain about this stuff constantly.
This never happens to me. Instead, I can have women in my life who not short or don't have big boobs. Even my primary woman, an OLTR or high-end MLTR, can look the opposite of this ideal. It's because I can and will have at least 1-2 FBs on the side who are shorter and/or have bigger tits. For example, let's say my hypothetical main girl is super hot (to me), smart, and fun, but she has B-cup boobs and is 5’10”. No problem. I’ll have two FBs on the side who are 5’2” and are rocking the DDs. I do this kind of thing all the time.
I’m not deprived at all. I’m not frustrated at all. Both my dates and my relationship life are far more pleasant and enjoyable that the typical person who's monogamous or wants to be monogamous. I never need to find a woman who is a be-all and end-all because there will always be other women in my life who fill in her missing gaps.
Don’t get hung up on the physical example above. Maybe I'm really attracted to women who are super super smart. No problem, I can “end up” with a high-end MLTR who is average intelligence and have a lower-end MLTR who is smart as hell. Again, I win.
Your Main Girl Should Never Be Your Hottest
This brings me to the main point of this article. One of the biggest mistakes I see men make, particularly experienced Alphas, is that they pick the absolute hottest girl they’re dating and make her their main; either a high-end MLTR, an OLTR, or god forbid, a “monogamous” LTR whom they cheat on.
This is a huge mistake. They don’t realize it, but this is a holdover from the monogamy model where your main girl must be “the best,” i.e. the hottest.
If you make the hottest girl your main girl, she will exert massive control over you, even if you’re in a verbally stated nonmonogamous relationship. You know that every other girl in your life is less hot than your main girl. This means you’ll tolerate more drama and crap from her and cave into more demands from her. You’ll be in a position of weakness and even a little scarcity.
She will start to feel this, guaranteed. Trust me, women in nonmono or cheating relationships, where they’re the hottest girl in your orbit know it, and they use this to their advantage, even if subconsciously.
The odds of oneitis and betaization noticeably go up when your main girl is the hottest. All bad.
Lastly, when the relationship ends (and it will) you will feel far more neediness, pain, sadness and loss if she’s the hottest girl in your life. You will now be like so many other needy men I hear whine, “But Blackdragon, you don’t understand, she was the hottest girl I’ve ever been with.”
This is always how it’s been with me. I’ve never done this consciously (remember, I don’t screen), it’s just how it’s always ended up, since my “checklist” is spread out over several women and never has to be unloaded on just one.
Every main girl I’ve ever had, whether she was a high-end MLTR or OLTR or close to it, has never been a personal 10. Never. Most have been personal 8s. Just one was a personal 9, barely, until she started gaining weight which virtually all Western women eventually do. While I was dating any of these main girls, my side-women were all super duper hot. We’re talking personal or real 8s, 9s, and 10s.
This was easy, since with the hotter side-girl FBs, all that mattered to me was their appearance. I didn’t care how old they were (had to be legal of course), how smart they were, how fun they were, or how interesting they were to talk to. Once I had my main girl who I really liked who was about an 8, I could go hunt for super hot side-girls and not worry about “quality.” Many of those super-hot FBs were complete idiots. Cool with me; if I wanted to spend time with a smart woman I’d hang with my main girl.
See how this works?
How hard is it to find a super hot girl, a personal or real 9 or 10, who is also smart and fun and mature and stable and etc?
Doable, but pretty hard. At least very time consuming. As usual, monogamy is designed to be problematic and near-impossible from the get-go.
How hard is it to find a super hot girl when you don’t care about anything other than her appearance because you already have main girl who satisfies all those needs?
It’s super easy. I can hop on any dating site of my choice, right now, snap my fingers and I could get at least one, if not two or three of those. It’s so easy I do this stuff in my sleep these days. The world is full of super hot girls.
Let’s compare this model to the above “main girl is hottest” model.
When I have a main girl, I’m always dating other women on the side who are hotter and often younger under an honest nonmonogamous relationship. This means several things:
1. I don’t really care if my main girl gains weight (which she probably will if the relationship lasts long enough). I don’t have to lecture her about what she eats or how much she exercises or any of that stuff. I'll be having sex with trim and fit hotties on the side no matter what. (Of course my main girl probably shouldn't become a 400 pound whale since that would cause other relationship problems, but you know what I mean.)
2. All of my biological and often politically-incorrect male sexual fantasies are always fulfilled, regardless if my main girl plays ball or not. I don’t have to make her do anything in bed, nor am I frustrated if she refuses to perform certain sexual acts.
3. Most importantly, she knows that she’s not the hottest girl on the block. She knows I care more for her than anyone else, so in that respect she has some power. But, at the same time, she knows I’m having sex with women who are hotter and often younger than her. Because of this, she knows damn well she can’t crack the whip on me like she could if she was the hottest girl in my life.
4. When the relationship ends (and it will), I have no feelings of scarcity whatsoever. I just keep right on having sex with super hot but possibly lower quality girls like nothing happened. Then, whenever I’m ready, I'll resurrect old LSNFTEs or hop back on the dating sites and search for a main girl again...and there’s no rush.
Don’t make the mistake most guys make of making your hottest girl your main girl. I know it’s tempting, but if your goal is long-term consistent happiness, use the above model instead.
Note: I'm offering a $500 cash prize (and other cool stuff) for the best success story using any of the concepts I talk about. Go here for contest details. The deadline is Feb 22nd!
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Cauê Custódio 2016-02-11 05:17:50
Thats why BD is the best. Saving my life once again. This is rock solid advice chodes. Listen to the man.
SJ 2016-02-11 05:39:47
This is spot on for me, especially where you mentioned that you've never "done this consciously." I've thought about this and whether or not I'm "doing things right" in the fact that my current # 1 is definitely my least hot girl. But it just feels right that way. I'm completely satisfied with the situation as it is, and I often wondered if others felt similarly.
E Hilter 2016-02-11 06:12:05
I have a hard time accepting the thought of hanging out with complete idiots, maybe it's a unicorn seeking check list that I ought to get rid of asap. A tutorial for INTJs with high intelligence on how to survive the mildly retarded FBs would be appreciated. It's a turnoff even in the blitz phase...
Will 2016-02-11 06:15:24
World class advice!! This connects nicely to the "relationship boxes" and the "when you must choose" posts. In fact it's probably even more important because if you have pair bonding desires and she's super amazing. She could turn you mono!! eeeekkk.?
Carmichael Red 2016-02-11 07:28:55
Valentine's Day is usually the worst day of the year for these guys who land their hottest main girl. I have seen outrageous spending on what I know is the hottest girl he's ever dated. It screws up the marketplace. Men over paying for speculative things.
That’s really fucking hard, and the higher your sexual market value is (i.e. the more attractive a woman is or the wealthier and confident a man is) the harder it gets.Sure, majority of people don't like difficult things. my former social circle for instance is filled with Their Hottest Main Girl is The First Girl That Sleeps with Him with No Effort. Hotter/Easier the Girl, the guys light fire to piles of cash to let her know she's hot or thanking her for having sex with him with no real game.
If you make the hottest girl your main girl, she will exert massive control over you, even if you’re in a verbally stated nonmonogamous relationship. You know that every other girl in your life is less hot than your main girl.Most guys make the huge mistake with Main Hot Girls and move in with them. The worst thing you can do is Move in with the hottest girl you've ever dated. This is why Hot girls are always single or never in long term relationships. The guy gets major oneitis and blows his brains out trying to 'wife' her to show off to his friends. It kills attraction. Especially for High SMV Women. BD, Good Post, But This One will go through the ears of 99% of guys. It's like asking guys to burn a winning lotto ticket because they'll be better off in the long run. This one takes MASSIVE Balls of Steel Self Control.
Sean 2016-02-11 10:36:40
Thanks, BD. I hadn't ever considered this, and it makes sense.
eddie 2016-02-11 11:14:03
Another great one, BD. Bottom line: A Man without OPTIONS is A Man without POWER.
BlindIo 2016-02-11 11:49:55
One correction: Monogamy was designed to be enforced. It was never meant to make people happy, merely to make society less violent and more productive.
CrabRangoon 2016-02-11 13:37:43
Very common for guys to get oneitis for the super hot girl. One trick to bring her down a level is to picture her taking a shit. She's human just like the rest-reminds me of the line in Rocky 4 where the trainer tells Rocky, "he's not a machine, he's a man" after he hurts Drago. Not to mention the hottest girls are typically the craziest-they've never been told "no" their entire lives. That does something to the mind-turns them into weird megalomaniacs. Best not to make these the primary girl as BD advises.
BH 2016-02-11 14:47:54
As always, extremely timely and relevant article! (for me) I'm in this exact situation and I felt like maybe I was "doing it wrong" even though it felt right. This article helps set my mind at ease and feel like I should follow my instincts more. Thanks BD!
Captain 2016-02-12 07:20:40
This is the kind of out of the box thinking that demonstrates Blackdragon as the best thinker in the manosphere. My main girl by the standards of her peers at the local SoCal University is a 6. For me however she's an 8 and best of all she's very sweet and very smart. So far (2 months in) this is working out great for the rest of my women life. I love the thrill of the hunt from night game and in recent weeks have been on fire. I've only been out 5 times times in the last month but have bagged a hot Eastern European, gotten a mediocre American to come home with me in 10 minutes after meeting and scored a South American 9. All are in their early- mid 20s and I am in my mid 40s. The knowledge that I have a (much younger) and sweet girl on the regular has calmed me down in a way that has allowed me to leverage my looks and sexuality in night game. Also, after divorcing almost 2 years ago, I am finally getting back to having overall life satisfaction without all the crazy ups and downs I did in the first year and a half. Again having a much younger, yet not super hot girl as my main is part of this.
Bravo 2016-02-12 09:15:12
Thanks for the article, BD, very insightful. Question - hypothetically what relationship would you prefer out of the following two: a) main gal is monogamous to you while you can have FBs on the side; or b) open relationship on both sides? On the surface a) seems better. However, would that not lead to more drama and lack of sex eventually from her side, as she will get sexually bored with you (she is not sleeping with anyone else), as well as other monogamy problems you've explained before (since from her side it is still a monogamous relationship)? I guess in theory you could start off in a) and change to b) or next her when that starts occurring, but you write a lot about setting expectations and starting off on the right foot from the very beginning. I find it similar to not having the hottest girl as your main gal - on the surface it seems more appealing but will lead to problems in the long run. What is your take on this, a or b and why? Thanks, Bravo
Gil Galad 2016-02-12 14:10:52
BD, Do you think I'll still reap the psychological benefits of sex if I steer clear of any serious relationships and stick to FBs and quick flings ? In other words, is NRE/romance as important as sex (you defended the importance of regular sex in a recent article), and would I be doing myself a disservice by avoiding love - knowing that it often tempts me but I'm just too busy, lazy and distracted at the moment to consider diving in ?
CrabRangoon 2016-02-12 14:23:55
@Gil Galad, You don't have to totally avoid love and pair bonding. You just need to be realistic and smart about it. Most people fumble into LTR's and never consider the long term. And also know that it won't last forever. That being said, it's no reason to avoid it all together. Think of it like this...we all love going on fun vacations but we know it'll end and we have to go back home. Does that mean we stop traveling because the trip has to end eventually? Of course not-it's still pleasurable and enriching.
Blackdragon 2016-02-12 15:11:20
One correction: Monogamy was designed to be enforced. It was never meant to make people happy, merely to make society less violent and more productive.Correct. I have said exactly that many times.
knowledge that I have a (much younger) and sweet girl on the regular has calmed me down in a way that has allowed me to leverage my looks and sexuality in night game.That right there. Having that stable relationship actually gives you an edge in dating/pickup because of the outcome independence you have that 100% single guys don't have. Men are taught by society to pursue either monogamous pair bonding or being a total player. Long-term happiness for the man lies in-between these two unsustainable extremes.
Question – hypothetically what relationship would you prefer out of the following two: a) main gal is monogamous to you while you can have FBs on the side; or b) open relationship on both sides?I have the same Obsolete Biological Wiring as all other men, so I'd probably prefer option A by at least a little bit. But I'd also prefer to pay zero taxes on 100% of my income forever, but that's not going to happen because I live in the real world and not a guy-Disney fantasy. In the Western world, "I can fuck other people but you can't" will eventually result in either drama or her cheating on you, and then a breakup. Every time. So if a guy just wants short-term relationships, that's fine. If he wants something longer term, he's going to have to suck it up and accept that his gal might play around occasionally just like he is. (Or get monogamous and suffer the consequences.)
I guess in theory you could start off in a) and change to b) or next her when that starts occurringIt's not theory, many men have done this, as I talk about in my open marriage book. The problem is that's a very difficult, high-drama path to take, and it often doesn't work (she dumps your ass anyway).
is NRE/romance as important as sexNo. Sex is a physiological and physiological need. You need it. You don't need to be romantic with a woman. You do need the love of other people in your life, but that's not the same thing as NRE or romance. A close family, close friends, children, etc can satify your human need for love. Remember that I said romance isn't a need, but I still think it's something you're going to strongly want at some point in your life, and you may expereince unhappiness if you don't have it. I'm a huge fan of romance and love (nonmonogamous of course). I'm just saying you don't need it, particularly if you have love from others.
Carmichael Red 2016-02-12 15:50:46
knowledge that I have a (much younger) and sweet girl on the regular has calmed me down in a way that has allowed me to leverage my looks and sexuality in night game.That right there. Having that stable relationship actually gives you an edge in dating/pickup because of the outcome independence you have that 100% single guys don’t have. Men are taught by society to pursue either monogamous pair bonding or being a total player. Long-term happiness for the man lies in-between these two unsustainable extremes.
Blackdragon 2016-02-12 16:04:36
On average, what is the success rate finding the sweet spot between the extremes?Statistics on this are not kept, since doing so opposes 99% of Societal Programming. All I can tell you is that I've communicated with literally hundreds of men, possibly thousands, who tried it and succeeded.
How many guys would dump the sure thing (if and when she says no to a M/OLTR) for a chance at the sweet spot?Very few, since men (including Alphas) get oneitis so often. They'll cling to that bitch instead. Most men aren't going to attempt OLTR/MLTR until the "sure thing" (which is anything but) dumps their asses first.
Carmichael Red 2016-02-12 16:09:41
Satisfied with that answer.
Gil Galad 2016-02-12 19:22:39
Thanks for the answer.
POB 2016-02-15 07:31:55
You do need the love of other people in your life, but that’s not the same thing as NRE or romance. A close family, close friends, children, etc can satisfy your human need for love. Remember that I said romance isn’t a need, but I still think it’s something you’re going to strongly want at some point in your life, and you may experience unhappiness if you don’t have it. I’m a huge fan of romance and love (nonmonogamous of course). I’m just saying you don’t need it, particularly if you have love from others.Exactly how I feel! Too bad SP strongly encourages us to pursue "true love" only with a woman when there's an abundance of love everywhere (If you know how to structure your life). But I guess guys are willing to pay their dues before they find out. What a shame.
Chuck P 2016-03-09 05:27:34
I used to also get hung up on women's approval, and end up acting like a submissive beta because of it. Good points on this article, especially about not relying solely on a relationship to fill in that void in your life that you should be filling for yourself. Finally got out of a crappy relationship after learning to let go of a lot of backward mindsets...doing better now that I'm re-learning how to attract women again, like the basic body language stuff, like this good piece of advice I found here. http://www.win-with-women.com/attract-women/how-to-make-her-want-you
pool boy 2017-02-02 14:45:27
guys going on “event” dates with a woman (hiking, rock climbing, playing pool, concerts, etc.) before they ever have sex with her.Can you explain why this is bad? In my experience doing something like salsa dancing or going to a bar with "stuff to do" for the 2nd date is way cheaper than dinner dates, and could potentially cost zero. An "active" date also gets girls excited and down to fuck earlier than boring ass "traditional dating."
Gil Galad 2017-02-02 15:47:25
@pool boy: salsa sounds like a possible first date venue if you already know the girl; otherwise I find it hard to fit it on a first *or* a second date. First date you're supposed to to sit with her, talk and kino, and second date should be quickly moved to your place then escalate. Dancing of course is kino par excellence, but somehow I can't visualize it on a first date unless the girl is already an acquaintance. I don't see a girl going "I met this guy online, we danced on the first date and then fucked"; maybe I'm wrong. The other activities you mentioned (hiking etc) seem to have an inherent risk of putting you in the make-him-wait zone, unless you somehow manage to get funky in the woods or something. Sounds like something to do *after* lock-in. BD, can you do a post about what to do when for some reason the sex must happen at her place and not yours ? How to basically invite yourself, and then whether the rules change for how quickly you escalate given that it's not in your own lair.
Anon. 2017-02-02 17:08:26
Most event dates are bad because you can't build intimacy at your own pace. Chase Amante finds “five Cs” to be essential: Cheap, Convenient, Conversation, Covert, Control. Salsa dancing could be good if you can touch her a lot, whisper into her ear, then leave once she's ready (with many event dates you can't leave whenever you want). Or an event date could be, say, asking her to help you with shopping, which has you leading and her following, moves her through multiple venues building an illusion that she has known you for a long time, and naturally ends at your place—all beneficial aspects. At the same time an activity like rock climbing might sound appealing at first, but what if she's tired after 15 minutes, doesn't want to show it and feels miserable the rest of the date? Or what if you're the one who's tired and unable to act masculine enough? Or if you do succeed in making her horny, how do you escalate there and then? And fancy dates aren't even necessary. I still have rather a high ratio of first dates going nowhere, but whenever a woman does agree on a second date, a cup of coffee in a cafe a block away from my place almost always does the job. I think if she likes you, any kind of five-C date would work, and if she doesn't, she's likely to waste your time going on an event date just for the event, not for you.
Blackdragon 2017-02-02 17:34:29
Can you explain why this is bad? In my experience doing something like salsa dancing or going to a bar with “stuff to do” for the 2nd date is way cheaper than dinner dates, and could potentially cost zero.None of that is relevant to the primary objective. The goal is to get to sex on the second date, and as fast as possible, not go dancing.
An “active” date also gets girls excited and down to fuck earlier than boring ass “traditional dating.”Exactly the opposite. An "event" date presses her Make Him Wait button and usually delays sex. Read this.
BD, can you do a post about what to do when for some reason the sex must happen at her place and not yours ?Not worthy of an entire post. Just go to her place and fuck. If that's not an option, have a 2nd location at a friend's house set up in advance. If that's not an option, use a hotel. If that's not an option, you're screwed.
pool boy 2017-02-02 20:13:35
Exactly the opposite. An “event” date presses her Make Him Wait button and usually delays sex. Read this.The article doesn't quite describe why an "event" date would press the "make him wait" button. I think it must depend on what the event is, for instance rock climbing or hiking is a bad idea because it's more involved/time consuming depending on where you live. Playing pool at a bar or dancing for example, most definitely speeds things up. At first I would take girls out to dinner and all that shit but they would just take until the 3rd-5th date to have sex. Taking a girl dancing for instance shortens it to date 3 or earlier. As a caveat, my sample size is all under 30, since I am also under 30.
Blackdragon 2017-02-02 20:20:12
I think it must depend on what the event isNo, it does not.
for instance rock climbing or hiking is a bad idea because it’s more involved/time consuming depending on where you live. Playing pool at a bar or dancing for example, most definitely speeds things up.No, it does not.
Taking a girl dancing for instance shortens it to date 3 or earlier.Date 3 sucks. I fuck women within 3 hours or less, grand total meet-to-sex, almost always on date 2, and do so all the time. It's because I never dance or play pool with a woman pre-sex. I focus on fucking them, not dancing or playing with them.
donnie demarco 2017-07-31 21:52:13
Can you explain why this is bad? In my experience doing something like salsa dancing or going to a bar with “stuff to do” for the 2nd date is way cheaper than dinner dates, and could potentially cost zero. An “active” date also gets girls excited and down to fuck earlier than boring ass “traditional dating.”Because there are other hot, sexy guys with big dicks hitting her up, skipping all the bullshit and going straight to sex. In comparison to those guys, you're slow and boring. I was once told by a very close MLTR: "My primary filter when meeting a man is the first date. If he invites me out to something low key like drinks, I know he's probably good in bed. If he invites me out to dinner, I know he's probably going to end up talking about his money and car all night and most likely has a small penis". Women know what you want, and they want it too. Don't waste their time.