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A Dragon in Orlando and Dallas
-By Caleb Jones
I once visited Orlando over 20 years ago, on business. I worked the entire time and wasn’t able to see much of the city at all. All that I remember from the visit was how hot and humid it was (I was visiting in early December).
This time, I wanted to take enough time to see the city and its people. I made sure to spend time in different areas of the city, including the touristy theme park areas, the downtown area, the suburban area, and the “shitty” area (where I actually stayed in a shitty roach motel; gotta save money!). I even spent half a day in the belly of the beast at Disney World.
During my February visit, the weather was wonderful, both sunny and cool. It put a smile on my face the entire time I was there. However, I know from experience and from people who live there that much of the year is hot, humid, and brutal. Don’t even get me started on the regular hurricanes either. Either I lucked out, or February is a good time to visit.
This may have been my imagination, but the sunlight there feels brighter and “different” than sunlight in other locations, even more bright than in places like Phoenix. I had to wear my sunglasses much more often than in any other city I remember visiting, and I’ve been to some very sunny places.
The women in Orlando are the typical “very average” that I see in most cities. Not hot, not ugly, and a few very hot women, but only if you hunt hard enough. On my city chart, you can see that Orlando is right in the middle, and that’s about right.
Every time I think “Orlando” I think “Florida,” and when I think “Florida” I always think “Miami.” So, I subconsciously expected Orlando to be wall-to-wall hotties, like Miami. Not the case at all. Orlando and Miami are two extremely different cities, with absolutely nothing in common. I always find it fascinating that two cities can be so different, even though they’re only three hours away from each other by car.
There is one unique quality to Orlando women: they’re skinny. Orlando is probably the skinniest city in the US that I have ever visited. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still America so there are still plenty of fat people, but compared to other US cities, overweight people are shockingly rare in Orlando, even in the poorer areas. If you’re put off by overweight women, Orlando is the place for you. I was very surprised to see such lack of overweight people in an American city.
(Once you get into the theme parks, then all you see is fat people, but those are not Orlando residents.)
People in Orlando are amazingly laid back and happy, more so than most other US cities. Folks there are smiling, happy and polite, almost as nice as Canadians. Several times, I saw complete strangers compliment each other as they walked by on the street. I didn’t see one upset person during my entire four-day visit, and that’s pretty unusual. (Even in Australia, which is full of super nice people, I saw a few pissed off folks.)
Since Orlando is small (around 2 million people, about the size of my hometown, Portland), there is no train system to speak of. The architecture and infrastructure is bright and new-looking. There’s an over-focus on the colors white and blue. Everything looks like it was just built a few years ago, streets and freeways included.
Instead of pigeons or seagulls like most cities, Orlando has these hilariously stupid looking stork-birds that made me laugh out loud every time they walked by. Poor bastards.
Orlando is beautiful, almost beyond belief. It’s flat but not too flat, lush, clean, with lots of flora and water. It is also very spread out and doesn’t feel urban at all. During my Uber drive back to the airport on my last day there, I just looked out the window the entire time and marveled at how nice everything looked. It's impressive.
Because Orlando is at (or even slightly below?) sea level, the entire landscape is covered with lakes, small and large. Every mile or two you run into a lake. Very cool.
Bottom line, Orlando is a fantastic city, I had a great time and I can’t wait to go back. With its clean, new look, beautiful landscape, chill, non-fat people and no state income tax, I would almost live there if it weren’t for the horrible heat, humidity, and hurricanes). Other than that, well done, Orlando!
Then I went to Dallas, a very different and much larger city.
I’m writing this blog post during my last day here in Dallas. Unlike Orlando, I had never been to Dallas in my entire life. I hadn’t even been to Texas(!). Texas is the last holdout of right-wing values and economics in a country that has pretty much entirely been conquered by the left-wing. Texans love their guns, low taxes and low regulation. As a result, the Texas economy is one of the few economies in the US right now that’s actually doing well (which is why I’m here doing business). Those right-wingers might be delusional with their religious beliefs, but on economic issues, they’re light years beyond the progressives. As I’ve talked about at my personal blog, I keep waiting for Texas to secede from the Union. You guys need to get on that, Texans! Stop being attached to the sinking ship!
Anyway, I had a naïve view of Dallas, having never been there. I was expecting to see tons of women with big hair, big boobs, thick Texan accents, driving cars with bull horns on the grill and lots of Texas pride. Is that what I’ve seen here? Yes and no. I’ll explain as I go on.
One interesting thing that happened when I arrived at my hotel was to see the entire place overrun by a certain organization that made me laugh out loud at the irony. If I just told you what this organization was, you wouldn’t believe me, so I took a picture to prove it.
Yep, I shit you not. My entire hotel, and most of all the other hotels in downtown Dallas, are jam-packed full of cheerleaders. Before you get too excited, these cheerleaders are the little girl kind, perhaps between the ages of 10 and 13, which turned something that could have been great into a huge irritant. The line to check in at the hotel was huge, full of hyper pre-teen girls and their stressed-out moms. Thankfully, I’m a member of the hotel’s VIP program, so I was able to use the fast line. (Unlike in Orlando, I'm staying at a nice hotel in Dallas.)
Oh, if only these cheerleaders could have been college cheerleaders. Then this entire blog post would have been much more entertaining. Oh well, probably a good thing, as I wouldn’t have gone out to experience the city otherwise.
Similar to Orlando, Dallas can get hot and humid as hell, but, now in February, it’s cloudy but very comfortable; neither too hot nor cold. Nothing very interesting or unusual there. As usual, February is a great month to travel.
The women here are definitely more attractive than in most cities, but not extremely so. On the city chart, I would place Dallas in at the very bottom of the “attractive” range, below Vancouver BC. There aren’t a lot of hot women here, but there are enough just walking around so you don’t need to spend time hunting for them like you would in an average city like Orlando.
Fake boobs are more common here than in most other cities. Oh, happy days! The upside down pear body shape is more prevalent here than in other cities. In other words, there are a decent number of very skinny women who are sporting very obvious and too-big fake tits (that would be “too big” to other people; I think these women are awesome and look perfect). This includes both younger women and older women, including normal, everyday moms. Fake titties are clearly an accepted thing here. Again, awesome. No big hair though.
Women here, as well as men, are also quite skinny for the typical US city. Not nearly as skinny as Orlando, but you can tell the women here are taking care of their bodies (whereas I think in Orlando the women are skinnier by nature).
The exception to this rule would be the black women here, who are almost universally overweight. I think I’ve seen one black woman during my entire visit who wasn’t fat. Interesting. Black women in other large cities aren’t this chubby. I wonder what makes Dallas black women uniquely fat when the other races here are decently fit.
Most people here don’t have those cool Texas accents, so I was a little disappointed. I wanted to hear more people say “y’all” and call me “honeh” and stuff like that. I also didn’t see very many dudes in cowboy hats. Dammit, I want to see cowboys! Perhaps this stuff is more common in Houston and San Antonio, which are further south. Texas is huge, and Dallas is near the northern border. I may have to go visit Houston soon so I can hear more Texas accents.
By the way, if I had to have an accent other than my standard American one, it would be either Texan or Spanish (as in from Spain, not Mexican). The Texas accent is southern sounding, but not “hick” sounding. I like it.
The one feature about Dallas that I found surprising is that it’s one of the worst-dressed cities I’ve ever visited. I normally dress nice; nice jeans, expensive button-down shirts, often with a suit top or vest. When I go to LA, Vegas, New York or Miami, I look just about right and fit right in. But in Dallas, I was clearly overdressed, and several times I received strange looks because of this. Everyone in Dallas wears shitty jeans, shitty T-shirts and that’s about it. Rarely do you see anyone nicely dressed (outside of men wearing business attire during the workdays). Even at night at the bars, people are still dressed in ways I consider to be a little dumpy, men and women both.
The mass transit system here sucks ass. Unlike Orlando, Dallas is a huge city (5+ million people) which means it needs a good mass transit system to function. Too bad it doesn’t have one. If you want to take the train to downtown from the Love Field airport (one of the two major airports here), you have to take a (free) bus to the train station. Fine, but that means you need to find the bus, wait for it, then get into the bus and wait another 15-20 minutes to fill the stupid bus, ride the bus about 10 minutes to the train station, then get your train ticket, and wait for the fucking train for 30 minutes or longer. Then, take the train downtown, which takes another 15-20 minutes. Then, walk to your final destination from the train stop.
What could have been a 15 minute Uber ride from the airport to my hotel took an hour and a half using Dallas’ horrible mass transit system. Lesson learned; I'm not doing that again. Not good, Dallas. It’s almost as bad as Australia.
As usual, being accustomed to the mass transit systems in Asia, which are literally perfect, this kind of blatant inefficiency irritates me, whereas most Americans are accustomed to it and probably don’t even notice. I bet people who have lived in Dallas their entire lives and have never traveled don’t even realize how much their mass transit system sucks. It’s all about what you’re accustomed to.
Strangely, downtown Dallas is dead at night. Even on a Friday or Saturday night, no one is walking around. There are few restaurants and bars on their two main streets (Main and Elm) and you’ll see a few people around those, but beyond that, Dallas is strangely quiet once the sun goes down. I talked to a few people that I know who live here and they confirmed it. “Yeah, Dallas is a ghost town at night,” they said. No kidding. Night game would be extremely difficult here.
The fact that restaurants are sparse here compounded the problem of all the damn cheerleaders taking up all the room in the entire downtown area. Every time I went to a restaurant to get something to eat, it was filled to the rim with spastic pre-teen cheerleaders and their blonde Texas milf moms with their fake torpedo-tits. On Friday night, I had to go to five different places just to get some food. Dammit, could you girls get the hell out of here so I can get my salad? And couldn’t you chicks be about 10 years older so I could have some fun? Sheeeeeeit. (Some seriously hot moms though. Gotta look on the bright side.)
The architecture in Dallas is decent but pretty standard, with traditional blocky buildings. I would more or less expect this of a more conservative city. Though many of them light up at night, which is nice.
Overall, Dallas has been fun and I’ll be back here on business soon.
Dallas and Orlando, two very cool cities for every different reasons. It’s been a good trip.
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sa 2016-03-03 05:37:33
for Dallas ,have you checked out Addison or Richardson area nearby ? Plenty of restaurants and some night life
FiveSix 2016-03-03 06:35:50
Don't bother with Houston. There's only few hot women, the nightlife is always dead (except maybe on Saturday; I'm never there on Saturdays), and very few cowboys/Texas accents, no subway/train system for a city of 2 million. Locals say that most people in Houston aren't Texan, and after all my visits, I agree. It sounds a lot like Dallas. For anyone that likes the look of huge freeways, and urban sprawl, it's a great place.
Ashwin 2016-03-03 07:18:31
Seriously! You telling me you didn’t consider having a separate article with the title… “Dragon Does Dallas” ?
Jon 2016-03-03 08:28:20
Sundance Square has decent nightlife in Ft Worth. Last time I tried night game in DFW, that's where I hade the most luck.
lazy guy 2016-03-03 08:39:42
You'll hear more Texas accents away from the big cities. Many people in Dallas, Houston, etc. came from out of state for a job or college etc. That's another reason why Texas is not simply a wall-to-wall cliché of Texas. Many people think Austin is about the most appealing, fun big city in Texas. Maybe you'll go check it out some day.
Blackdragon 2016-03-03 09:38:57
have you checked out Addison or Richardson area nearby ?No. Too small. I only visit big cities.
Don’t bother with Houston.Yeah, I have heard absolutely nothing good about Houston (other than the economy is good). I will be going there at some point but it will only be for business reasons.
“Dragon Does Dallas”If those damn cheerleaders had been college age, that's exactly what I would have titled this post. 🙂
Sundance Square has decent nightlife in Ft Worth. Last time I tried night game in DFW, that’s where I hade the most luck.Yeah, if I had more time in Dallas I would have checked out Ft. Worth.
Many people think Austin is about the most appealing, fun big city in Texas. Maybe you’ll go check it out some day.I might but I'm in no rush, since it's simply another left-wing enclave like all the rest. This just popped into my news feed this morning: Male Student Had Drunken Sex with Female Non-Student. Her Dad Called It Rape. Expulsion Imminent. University of Texas-Austin requires accused student to prove his innocence at due-process-free hearing.
Nathan 2016-03-03 10:00:49
Welcome to Texas! I've lived in Dallas my whole life, so I'll help explain some of this. Dallas is the heart of southern baptist country, so everyone 1) wears their religion on their sleeve and 2) is very showy about everything, although Dallas has become secularized recently unfortunately. You may have seen the big church with the fountains and skywalk in the middle of downtown? That's Robert Jeffress' church, and if he had spent the $300 million it took to build it on some actual biblical work like helping the homeless, he could have fed and sheltered all of Dallas' homeless population for life. That's Dallas religion in a nutshell. I read this blog a lot, but the only other time I've commented was when asking about clothing style for cities with very warm weather. I think that partially explains why nobody fit your standards of dress. It's usually too damn hot to wear suits or really anything nice, and although it's February, people aren't in the habit of dressing up because of the heat. Also, I don't know if you were here for this, but it got in the mid 80s at one point a couple weeks ago, only to have one random day during the same week plunge into the upper 30s. It's just tough to plan anything with the weather we have here. If you want attractive girls, you need to go to McKinney Avenue, near uptown. Main street is always dead at night and the clubs and bars aren't anything special. Elm (Deep Ellum) is somewhat of a renovation project because it used to be pretty trashy a few decades ago and now they're transforming it into hipster-ville, although it can still be somewhat fun. But hands down, you either want McKinney Avenue in uptown or a north Dallas suburb. The area by SMU can also be pretty good (mockingbird) sometimes. I'm not even sure we have a subway, because nobody uses it. The reason is because everyone here has a car, and generally a lot of land, because the 5+ million people of the metro area are spread out about 100 miles east-west and 100 miles north-south. We have roughly the same population as Houston, just with like 5x the area. And everyone has cars because the economy is so great and everything is cheap. So no need for public transportation. I've taken the trolley a few times and it has been pretty awesome, but I'd never use it as my main mode of transport.
CrabRangoon 2016-03-03 11:28:34
BD Have you spent much time in my home town of Chicago? I didn't see any of your "A Dragon in..." for Chi-town. I'm curious what an outsider thinks of this place-there's alot I love about it here but plenty to hate as well.
Blackdragon 2016-03-03 13:34:50
It’s usually too damn hot to wear suits or really anything nice, and although it’s February, people aren’t in the habit of dressing up because of the heat.That's not it. I've visited cities all over the word that were far, far hotter than Dallas, and on more days of the year, and yet people there still dressed nice. As I said, people in Dallas were wearing jeans, not slacks or shorts. There's something cultural about Dallas in that they don't dress as nice in other cities. Weather may be a small part of it but not the bigger reason.
Have you spent much time in my home town of Chicago? I didn’t see any of your “A Dragon in…” for Chi-town.I've been to Chicago many times already before I started writing these kinds of posts. Maybe someday I'll get around to doing a Chicago one if I ever go back. (Currently no plans to do so.) Summary of Chicago: Average women, decent food but not as good as New York, cool city in the downtown core area, complete shit just about everywhere else.
Jack Outside the Box 2016-03-03 22:13:30
Dallas has become secularized recently unfortunately.Unfortunately? You............want it to be filled with Bible thumpers then?
CrabRangoon 2016-03-04 07:47:34
BD You are spot on about the average women in Chicago, The problem is they all THINK they're hot shit anyway.
BH 2016-03-04 16:53:10
Downtown Dallas is dead, as another person commented. Lived there 14 years. "Dallas" should not be judged by the strict city limits but rather by where the Dallas folks actually hang out...which is north Dallas - Addison, Plano, Frisco, etc. Many people work in downtown but live and play in uptown. I did. I dated lots of hot girls there and I didn't meet or go out with any of them a single time within the actual city limits of Dallas. It was all uptown. Considering staying there next time. It's all considered the same metroplex.
Lovergirl 2016-03-04 22:48:11
Who takes mass transit in the u.s? Only people on the east and west coasts. The rest of us need cars. Seriously, where I live anyway, the buses are mostly homeless people, drug addicts and the extremely poor. Id imagine its similar in Dallas. Funny that you didn't see cowboy hats. I saw a couple today and I am nowhere near texas. 😉 im curious what you would think of where I live too, .lol, but I know you have never been here.
Blackdragon 2016-03-05 21:52:07
“Dallas” should not be judged by the strict city limits but rather by where the Dallas folks actually hang out…which is north Dallas – Addison, Plano, Frisco, etc.Yeah but I don't have any interest in visiting the suburbs of any city. Boring as fuck. I already live in the suburbs. I don't need to see any more
im curious what you would think of where I live too, .lol, but I know you have never been here.Yeah but you live in Bumblefuck, USA. : ) There's unlikely any reason for me to go out there for business reasons. Move to somewhere bigger/cooler like Chicago or something.
Nathan 2016-03-05 22:45:01
Unfortunately? You…………want it to be filled with Bible thumpers then?Guilty as charged. I'm aware I'm probably not like most other readers on here, but the US needs an unabashedly Christian, over-the-top conservative stronghold somewhere to counteract all the bullshit going on everywhere else, and the Southern Baptists have filled that role nicely. They're a bunch of crazies, but they're our crazies.
Lovergirl 2016-03-06 06:06:51
This is not bumblefuck anywhere!! Lol The metro area is almost 2.5 million, same as Portland.... :p
Blackdragon 2016-03-06 15:55:19
Yeah, Portland is Bumblefuck USA too. I'd never visit there if I didn't already live there. You're proving my point.
Tin Man 2016-03-07 10:33:44
Dallas, like most really big cities you probably need a few days for a full assessment - especially if covering more territory. Most big cities in the south the night life does not resolve around downtown, Dallas is no exception - although as mentioned in other comments - there are pockets "close" to downtown (uptown area being one). For broader assessment of Dallas - it would be worth the effort to check out North Dallas/Plano/Frisco/McKinney - huge economics centers (the Legacy area in Plano probably has more global HQs than downtown) with their own flavor with respect to women - regardless, you get the same thing in DFW as you do in most large, spread out cities - it all depends on "where you are". The women in Dallas run the gamete - from the typical WalMart patron to entitled Ex-wives to "you go girl" professional types. In general, they are less natural in appearance (fake everything, lots of makeup) and "dress to the nines" when they go out on the town - from what I can tell, Thursday evening/night is big across Dallas - and pretty good hunting ground if you're out - either after work cocktail hour, or a bit later (although in reality, places die down after midnight). I find Dallas has above average looking women - but they are more likely to be provider hunters than the average city. And of course, because it's all "Lights, Camera, Action" - be careful with waking up in the morning, it's like having all that fun on bourbon street at midnight with the crowds, the noise and the neon lights - then waking up at 7am and seeing (& smelling) it in the daylight - it can be quite a shock.
Blackdragon 2016-03-07 12:38:58
I find Dallas has above average looking women – but they are more likely to be provider hunters than the average city.Pretty much my assessment. Yeah.
Freebird 2016-03-08 10:58:18
Just note BD. I live in Dallas. A commenter above referred to the uptown area as if it meant the northern suburbs (plano, addison, McKinney the town). . This is incorrect. Uptown is the area around McKinney AVENUE, which you could easily walk to if you are staying downtown. The nightlife here is very good. Other areas close to downtown that are worth going to are the "Deep Ellum" area on elm st. Immed. East of downtown, and the bars on Henderson ave a short uber north on 75.
Yonatan 2017-05-29 03:32:33
I'd love to hear your opinion about another major Florida city/metro area that I have yet to hear you talk about. I am referring to the Tampa/St. Petersburg/Clearwater area.. It is rivaling to become the largest city in Florida now. I've heard the area has lots of beautiful women and supposedly Ybor City and South Tampa have somewhat of a watered down scene of South Beach in Miami. Unlike Miami, I hear Tampa has a stronger economy and more affordable. Also, Tampa and Southern Gulf coast of Florida supposedly have the most beautiful beaches in the entire USA, including Siesta Key and Clearwater Beach.