The Difference Between Hardwood Floors and Carpet

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The Difference Between Hardwood Floors and Carpet

-By Caleb Jones

I've been living in my new house for a few weeks now. It has hardwood floors. As a man who has lived 100% of his life up until now in carpeted homes, allow me to educate you on the differences between hardwood floors and carpet.

With carpet, if someone accidentally drops an item on the floor, the impact makes no sound.

With hardwood floors, if someone accidentally drops an item on the floor, the impact makes a loud CLACK! sound that terrifies everyone, including animals, for a three block radius.

With carpet, if someone accidentally drops a reasonably delicate item, the item might break, but it usually won't.

With hardwood floors, if someone accidentally drops a reasonably delicate item, the item is not only guaranteed to break, but will likely shatter into many tiny shards, causing certain words to come out of your mouth. Speaking of which...

With carpet, if you accidentally step on something small and sharp while barefoot or wearing socks, it's irritating but no big deal.

With hardwood floors, if you accidentally step on something small and sharp while barefoot or wearing socks, it stabs upwards into your foot, often piercing the skin, causing you to scream in pain and gushing blood all over your hardwood floors.

With carpet, when people speak, it sounds like people speaking in a room.

With hardwood floors, when people speak, it sounds like you're in an empty amphitheater and sounds echo all over the place.

With carpet, if you want to have sex on the floor, you put a blanket down and have sex.

With hardwood floors, you can't have sex on the floor, unless the woman is willing to have her tailbone snapped in half.

With carpet, if you want to kneel down to pick something up or work on something by the floor, you just drop down without any thought and start working

With hardwood floors, if you want to kneel down to pick something up or work on something by the floor, when you drop down, your god damn knee cracks in half, causing certain words to come out of your mouth, and forcing you to develop some kind of system regarding how to get down on the floor.

With carpet, when dogs and other animals travel across the floor, they're completely silent.

With hardwood floors, when dogs and other animals travel across the floor, they sound like click-clacking choo-choo trains on steroids with sounds that echo throughout the home.

Hardwood floors are awesome.

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This article was originally published on July 4, 2016

Comments


  • Robbie Mac (not real name) 2016-07-04 23:46:05

    Hi Caleb Jones, I think if ladies wear heals they make indents all over the show. Wood is softer than tiles though. You could try some nice middle eastern rugs. regards, Avid reader.

  • Caleb Jones 2016-07-05 13:48:14

    Rugs are definitely next on the agenda, yes.

  • Peter-77 2016-07-05 14:31:21

    I've always lived with hardwood floors. Many awesome events wouldn't have happened if it had been carpets. Whenever I enter a home with carpets it feels like the owners are being too nice and clean. When it's not clean it feels gross or down right repulsive. The least you can do is give your visitors some solid ground to stand on. I like to use a little shortcut: does the owner of this house have wood? Can it get hard? If yes, get hardwood. Rugs are a hazzle (aka you don't value time) and carpets to be for pussies. Hardwood for life.

  • Levi 2016-07-07 08:40:53

    "They sound like click-clacking choo-choo trains on steroids" My family has two small indoor dogs, so I know this sound well. Made me laugh out loud when I read, Caleb, haha. You will eventually get used to these things. I have lived with both carpet and hardwood, and i must say that hardwood is better than carpet for a myriad of reasons. I'll never have carpet in my house (except maybe bedrooms). One thing that was mentioned earlier is rugs; what my family does is place small rugs (about the size of a welcome mat) in strategic spots in the kitchen to help with dropping things. In front of the fridge, the sink, and the pantry, currently. We also have one very large rug in the den to make it more comfortable to walk on. They're easy to clean, so it's like having the best of both worlds. If you find the right brand and style of rug, I'm sure that you'll be more satisfied with your hardwood experience.

  • Eric 2016-07-09 15:56:30

    Unless you are impressively fastidious (and sometimes even if you are) carpet quickly becomes disgusting. Vacuum cleaners never get all the grime and sand and shit that gets down in there. With pets the carpet can even pick up an odor that is hard to get out, even if you clean it regularly. It also doesn't look as good as tile or hardwood. Carpet is much more easily stained or damaged. All the things you say about hardwood are right, but I still vastly prefer hard floors of some kind.

  • Kurt 2016-07-19 09:39:45

    Shag rugs. Just large enough to have sex on. 'Nuff said.

  • Way_of_Man 2016-07-20 19:59:58

    If I ever get hardwood floors again, I will not have pets. I seem to inherit insomniac dogs that pace randomly through the night. "CLICK CLACK CLICK CLACK CLICK CLACK" Never again.

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