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Questions and Answers Regarding Soft Nexts
-By Caleb Jones
Most of the questions I get about soft nexting are crazy, hypothetical scenarios that will never happen, have never happened to me in almost 10 years of doing this, and have never happened to any other guy using soft nexts (that I have heard of at least). Yet, if I’m getting these questions, they’re definitely on many of your minds, so I need to address them.
Today I will list every question I have ever received regarding how to do a soft next. Over time, I will add new questions (and their answers) to this post as I receive new ones, making it a living, growing document, much like my Objections To Nonmonogamy and Their Answers article.
Let’s get started. The questions are not listed in any particular order:
1. What if she’s right? What if she has a point?
Then she can bring the problem to your attention in a quiet tone of voice and in the spirit of collaboration and mutual respect between two adults. But if she’s raising her voice, insulting you, threatening you, or anything like that, that’s drama. As I’ve been saying for years, at that point the reason for the drama is irrelevant. If a woman is screaming at me, I don’t care if she has a point; that behavior is unacceptable.
When I’m upset with a woman I’m in a relationship with, I never raise my voice at her, insult her, threaten her, send bitchy texts to her, or anything like that. Because I’m a mature adult who knows how to control himself. I expect the same treatment. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
It’s not about the topic she’s bringing up. It’s about how she’s bringing it up.
2. What if she’s telling you to stop doing something that’s genuinely bad for you?
If she’s a FB, I don’t care about her views regarding my life. If she’s a MLTR or OLTR and gently asking you to change, that’s fine. She’s welcome to have an opinion. But if she’s actually giving you drama about it (raising her voice, bitching, insulting, threatening, etc), then it’s time for a soft next. Once again, the reason for the drama is irrelevant. She has the ability to calmly bring something to your attention if something is bothering her. (If she doesn’t, she’s a child, so you need to downgrade her to FB or hard next her.)
Whether good or bad for you, how you live your life is your choice, not hers. Read this article for more info on that.
3. How do you decide on the number of days to soft next a woman?
I have no specific formula, but it’s based on:
A. How bad the drama was. The worse the drama, the longer the next.
B. How many times she’s given me drama in the past. The more times she’s given me drama in the past, the longer the next, often much longer. Repeated infractions earn a hard next. Everyone has a bad day occasionally, but I have zero tolerance for repeated drama, and you should too.
C. The severity of the drama she’s given me in the past, if any. The more severe the past drama, the longer the next.
D. The type of relationship we have. FBs get the longest nexts, MLTRs the next longest, OLTRs the shortest. However, with OLTRs or high-end MLTRs, I will pay very close attention to how she handles the next, and may downgrade her if she doesn’t handle it well. (With FBs or low-end MLTRs, I don’t care how she handles the next; that’s her problem.)
E. How long she’s been in my life. I will be lighter on next duration both for brand new women and women I’ve known a very long time. You have to take it easy on new women, and very long-term women have earned the right to receive shorter nexts, at least in my opinion.
4. Are there times you extend the duration of the next, mid-next? For example, you decide 3 days for a girl, but then you don’t hear from her at all for three days. Do you decide to move it to 5 days to be sure she’s gone through the full cycle of internalizing your removal of attention from her?
Yes. This doesn’t usually happen but you’re correct. She needs to know a soft next is going on.
5. What if, during the no-contact period, she suddenly shows up at your doorstep? Or at your car after work? Or something like that?
You’re being paranoid and completely hypothetical, since in doing this for almost 10 years I have never had a woman do this.
If it that actually happens, it means two things, both of which are your fault:
A. You’re an idiot, because you’re getting into emotional relationships (MLTR or OLTR) with creepy psychos. There’s nothing wrong with having sex with hot babes who are also psychos, but for Christ’s sake, keep them at the FB level. (A FB will never show up at your house like this. She doesn’t care enough.)
B. Your EFA was way off well before the soft next ever happened, so you have much bigger problems in your relationship than your soft nexting technique.
That said, showing up to your place or work like this is very serious business. In most cases I would hard next. Just imagine if the roles were reversed; a woman nexted you, and you showed up to her house or workplace unannounced. How would she react? She’d probably call the cops.
After the hard next, I would ask myself some difficult questions about why I got into a serious relationship with a psycho, and why I screwed up my EFA so badly. Remember, everything in your life is your fault.
6. You say to resume the relationship after the soft next “like nothing happened,” but what if she doesn’t do that? What if she wants to talk about why you nexted her?
Again, you’re being extremely hypothetical, since a woman wanting to talk about why you nexted her is extremely rare. I think it’s happened to me twice in almost 10 years. Other men who use this technique have reported the same.
Women aren’t stupid. Women know when they’re being bitches. You’re far more likely to get an apology from her than more conversation about why you nexted her. Also, women are so happy after a soft next that they don’t want to even think about the drama they gave you. They usually want to move on just as much as you do, if not more so.
But going along with your hypothetical, she would be more than welcome to discuss it as long as she remained calm and civil. If instead she starts raising her voice, complaining, starts crying at me, or whatever, then guess what? She gets another soft next right then and there, and this second next will be much longer, perhaps two or three weeks.
To repeat, this scenario has never happened. Stop worrying about this silly, hypothetical shit.
7. Do the girls ever call you out for the soft nexting and if so how do you respond?
You don’t respond to anything a woman says during a soft next, regardless of what she says. During the no-contact period, she can “call you out” on whatever she likes; you’re not responding.
After the next, as I said above, they rarely bring it up. I’ve had one or two women refer to “that thing you do where you don’t talk to me for a week,” in casual conversation, but that’s about it.
8. What if she gives you drama while you’re both out on vacation, far from home?
Sadly, this is a tactic women sometimes use. Sometimes, a woman will “save up” her drama for when you both leave town, and then unload it on you when she knows you’re stuck there with her and can’t leave. Women have been pulling this crap on husbands and boyfriends for decades. I see it happen all the time.
Here’s what you do:
A. Per the usual technique, remove yourself from her presence as soon as she starts in with the drama. Even if you’re both staying at the same hotel room or something like that, you can still grab your laptop and go down to the bar and do some work, or just shoot the shit with other people at the bar or restaurant.
B. Do the best you can to calm her down once you get back. Usually this means repeating, “I’m not discussing this right now. Let’s discuss it later.”
C. Soft next her ass the split second you get back home, and make sure the soft next is several weeks.
D. Never take her travelling with you ever again. A woman giving me drama when we go travelling where she knows I can’t soft next her is a very serious offense, particularly when I’m spending real money on such a trip. I am never travelling with such a woman ever again.
9. Do you only soft next women for things they do in person? Do you soft next women for things like sending bitchy texts, angry Facebook messages, etc?
I soft next women if they give me drama, as I define the term. The medium they use to convey the drama to me is irrelevant. If she’s giving you drama over texts, Whatsapp, Facebook, or whatever, hell yes you should soft next her.
Some women are sweethearts in person but turn into bitches when you’re far away. These women will text you whatever they want when they think they’re safe because you can’t do anything about it. Show them they’re wrong.
10. What if you’re married? Living together? Have kids together?
You cannot soft next a woman if you live with her full time (unless you maintain two residences). There are other drama management techniques you can employ, but the best one, the soft next, is no longer available to you. (And no, you pouting like a pussy and sleeping at a hotel for a night or two is not a soft next. That’s a beta move.)
This is part of the price you pay for co-habiting with someone. Only move in with someone if you are very, very sure about her, have been in a relationship with her for a long time, and have done your due diligence regarding her personality and her typical drama levels.
If you’re following my other relationship advice, by that point you’ve built the OLTR relationship correctly (and very slowly) to know that her drama with you will be minimal. Regardless, as I’ve said many times, drama increases at least a little when you move in with a woman, so you need to be prepared for this, stay very strong, manage it correctly, and of course, hard next her (kick her out permanently) if her drama becomes a pattern of behavior instead of a rare event (assuming you aren’t being a complete asshole to her of course; drama is often a two-way street).
If you’re already married or co-habiting with someone in the typical drama-filled monogamous relationship, I can’t help you much other than to recommend you to buy this book.
11. What if right after you say “I don’t do drama” or something similar and get up to leave, she realizes she seriously fucked up and immediately apologizes and asks you to stay?
Once the soft next is initiated, it’s initiated. There’s no turning back.
Of course women will sometimes promise to stop. They’re usually lying. When you turn around and return, as soon as you’re both comfortable again, she’ll start up with the crap again. When a woman is upset about something, she doesn’t suddenly stop being upset just because she wants you to stay. That’s not how women work.
The only possible exception to this rule is the very first time you soft next her. If this is the very first time, you can give her one more chance, if you want, and return. Beyond that, don’t do it.
Also, feel free to adopt the 20 Second Rule, which is what I use. This gives her 20 seconds to rant about whatever is bothering her with no consequences from you. Sometimes this is all she needs.
12. How do you respond when women are bitching about other guys?
Complaining about other men is not drama per my definition of the term. A woman in my life can complain all day about whatever she likes as long as it’s not me. If she wants to bitch about her boss, ex-boyfriend, brother, friend zone guy, or whatever, that’s perfectly cool with me. I’m Alpha Male 2.0, which means I’m not interested in correcting the behavior of others since I have more important things to focus on.
Women are always pissed off about someone or something. Unhappiness is part of being a woman. I don’t mind if they vent...as long as it isn’t about me. If the topic of her bitching suddenly turns to me, she gets 20 seconds and then it’s soft next time if she keeps going.
14. What if her birthday is coming up in the next few days? Or Christmas? Or something like that?
Once the soft next is initiated, it’s initiated. It doesn’t matter if it’s her birthday or Christmas or whatever the hell else going on, during the nexting period you don’t contact her or respond to her in any way, no exceptions!
If she doesn’t like that, that’s her problem. She shouldn’t have been a bitch in the first place. If she gives you even more drama later for not contacting her on her birthday, extend the time of the soft next, or soft next her again, or hard next her.
14. How do you implement the soft next if you have made plans with the girl during the next few days? Examples: You have a tentative plan to hang out/go to dinner, you have made firm-ish plans to attend a social/family/work event, you promised to help her move this weekend and she’s relying on you, etc.
Cancel the plans. Worst case, send her a single text that says "I won't be able to make it on Tuesday." If the event is your event, like a business party for your work, go without her. If it's her event, don't go.
Canceling these kinds of things during a soft next actually makes the next much more powerful and effective. It shows you're serious. She'll think very hard about pissing you off again.
More importantly, if she knows she can short-circuit your soft nexts by simply having stuff scheduled with you all the time, that’s exactly what she’ll do. Women are very clever with this stuff.
Be strong. Stand your ground. Or be a pussy and let her keep throwing drama at you because you “made plans.” It’s up to you.
15. What if you have solid plans that you've paid money for, together. Like concert tickets, a weekend getaway, or a longer vacation out of town?
If it’s something like concert tickets or hotel reservations where her name isn’t attached, then take someone else, like a friend, family member, or different woman. Worst case, you can also go by yourself (and pick up women there if you’d like).
Other options are to the sell the tickets on Ebay or Craigslist, or give them both to her, or give them to a friend. Be creative and don’t puss out just because the situation is a little complicated.
If it was an actual pre-paid vacation where actual names are attached to the tickets, and the reason for the soft next was somewhat minor, soft next as best you can, but then go ahead and go with her. If the reason for the soft next was not minor, then you have some difficult decisions to make. It would really depend on the specific circumstances. If the drama was non-minor, yes, I would cancel the trip (or go by myself) without hesitation, chalk it up to an expensive learning experience, and learn my lesson.
Think of it this way. Let’s say you have a typical monogamous girlfriend and you've both already paid big bucks for a nonrefundable one-week trip to Hawaii. Four days before you leave you find out she just cheated on you. With your brother. What do you do? It's the same deal.
16. What is the difference between a soft next and the “silent treatment?”
The soft next is the strategic removal of attention that increases attraction via your absence and the (irrational) fear of you not returning.
The silent treatment is a form of childish drama where you try to ignore a person standing right in front of you while not ignoring other people in the room. The woman you’re doing this to:
A. Clearly sees that you’re still right there in her life, aren’t leaving, and thus she still has you by the balls.
B. Feels the attention from you (albeit indirect attention) by you not talking to her but still talking to other people in the vicinity.
The silent treatment is sometimes recommended by guys who live with women (since they can't soft next their partners), who say that it’s the same as a soft next or just as effective. Wrong!!! Not only is the silent treatment not a soft next, it is the opposite of a soft next. The silent treatment is drama and attention. She knows she’s getting to you. She knows she still has that power over you. When you soft next, you have the power.
17. Can you soft next family members?
If you don’t live with them, yes. Frankly, there are some of you who probably should.
This is going to be controversial, so get ready. If you have a family member who is consistently toxic to you (I don't mean you have the occasional argument or disagreement; that's normal; I mean they're consistently toxic to you), even if it’s your mother or father, simply tell him/her that you’re not going to be showing up to any family events, then cut off all contact.
For the next one or two years, don’t show up to family events if that person is going to be there. Make plans around these events to spend a little time with the family members you do enjoy. After one or two years, return to going to family events with the negative person. (Remember, soft nexts are temporary, not permanent.) Repeat if necessary.
Yes, other family members aren’t going to like this. Their problem. Your life is yours, not theirs. Be nice, be polite, try to schedule things to meet up with the good family members if you can, but you have no obligation whatsoever to put up with toxic crap from a person just because they happen to share some of your DNA.
This “my mom/dad/sibling has the right to abuse me because he/she is my mom/dad/sibling” bullcrap is Societal Programming at its worst.
18. Can you soft next people in your business life?
No. You can’t soft next people giving you money or people you’re receiving money from. That will just cause more problems.
You can hard next these people though. I certainly have a few times in the past. But you can’t soft next them.
19. Can women soft next men? Will it work?
Women soft next men all the time...in order to get with other men. It’s called the LSNFTE.
If you’re asking about the soft nexting technique I specifically describe, then it’s possible for women to do this, but it’s not going to happen. Since women like drama and have such little emotional control, there’s no way in hell a woman is going to actually soft next a man giving her drama exactly the way I describe.
I have never heard of a woman correctly soft nexting a man, including women who are well versed in manosphere / PUA concepts and techniques. It’s a nice thought but it’s never going to happen. (Maybe one of the babes at Girls With Game should invent a female version of the soft next...)
20. I take it you don't ever explain the reason for the soft next? You expect that the girl knows exactly what she did wrong, is that correct?
Correct. Women aren't stupid. They know when they're being inappropriate. When you soft next a woman, trust me, she knows exactly why. Your need to explain it to her just makes the drama worse, wastes your time, and makes you an Alpha Male 1.0.
21. Can the duration of the soft next depend on how long it takes her to calm down?
If you decide to soft next a woman for four days, and four days later she’s still throwing dramatic, bitchy texts at you (for example) then yes, you can extend the next.
This has literally never happened to me though. Soft nexts work. They eliminate drama, not perpetuate it.
22. What if she apologizes in the aftermath of the crime?
Once the soft next is initiated, it’s initiated. I don’t care if she apologizes during the no-contact period; you can’t contact her.
If she apologizes after the no-contact period, that’s wonderful and I’ll happily accept her apology. I’ve had lots of women apologize to me for drama over the years.
23. Texting apps like Whatsapp, Viber, Line, etc, show when you were online for the last time, so a woman can see when you were online last. She will know that you are ignoring her. Isn't this going to lead to more drama? How would you next a girl who was a Whatsapp user?
A. I don’t care what a woman thinks while I’m soft nexting her. I’m outcome independent. She can think I’m ignoring her, or think I’m an asshole, or think I’m wonderful and miss me. None if it makes any difference to me. Outcome independence! Abundance mentality! The world is full of beautiful, low-drama women! Stop giving a shit!
B. She can’t cause drama while you’re soft nexting her because you’ll be ignoring anything she sends you anyway. Drama takes two participants (this is something beta males and Alpha 1.0s don’t understand, or at least often forget).
C. If she keeps bombarding you with texts, I have a very simple solution: use the app’s features and block her. It’s very easy. Then unblock her when the nexting period is over. I had to do this once or twice in the past. It works great.
D. The problem isn’t Whatsapp. The problem is you, your frame and your level of emotional control. If you are hesitant to next a woman because she’s on Whatsapp or a similar app, the problem is you, not the app. I sometimes use these apps myself and I’ve never had a problem nexting a woman on them.
24. Does a woman have to actually do something wrong to earn a next? Can you just next her because you get bored or too busy with other women or whatever?
Yes. I don’t really do that but you certainly can. Tubarao was famous for doing exactly that all the time.
As I said above, women next us guys for other men all the time. Don’t feel bad about doing it right back to them.
That being said, I have never, in my entire life, soft or hard nexted a woman unless it was because of clear and obvious drama she gave me. However, that’s me. I have an unusually high sex drive and don’t get sexually bored with women the way some other men do. If I like having sex with a FB, I’m more than happy to be having sex with her (off and on anyway) for the rest of my life...provided she doesn’t give me drama. I don’t get sexually “bored” with women. Even after being married for nine years I was still horny for the woman I married, even when I didn’t like her very much. Again though, that’s me. You may be different.
25. How can I soft next her when she’s at my place at 3am in the morning? I can't leave of course, it's my place. She can’t leave, because she doesn’t have a car and the trains have stopped running.
First of all, that’s your fault. I’ve said this before and I’m sure I’ll say this again. If you live in a downtown area where mass transit is the way everyone gets around, you need to know exactly when the trains stop running in your area, so you can get women home before the trains stop and you’re screwed.
Men try to use this same excuse on me when I tell them to not spend the night with FBs. “But what if the trains stop running because it’s so late BD?” Well, that’s because you were a dumbshit and didn’t plan logistics accordingly. I never have this problem because I’m always aware of all logistics involving her transportation to and from my place. You should be too.
If she’s actually spending the night because she’s an MLTR or OLTR and it was planned in advance and the drama is minor, just tell her you’re not going to discuss it right now and go to sleep. If the drama is not minor, call her a cab or an Uber, send her ass home, note how much it cost you, and soft next her ass for at least a week.
If you don’t make a lot of money and the cost of the cab/Uber is tough for you to bear, then after you resume the relationship, tell her she owes you the cost of the cab/Uber, and if she refuses to pay, hard next her. If you make plenty of money, then whether or not she owes you the cost of the cab/Uber is up to you.
26. What if she gives you drama while you’re in the car?
Yeah, that happened to me once. I just smiled, turned the car around from where we were going, and took her home. Very simple. She complained a little, but I didn’t care. Per the soft nexting technique, I kept my mouth shut and didn’t argue with her. I just took her home and gently kicked her out of the car.
Again, women are very clever about finding scenarios where they think you can’t kick them out when they throw girl-drama at you. Don’t fall for it.
27. How much drama would you say is too much? Where do you draw the line?
As you know, my Alpha Male 2.0 life is structured around long-term, consistent happiness. Therefore, in my world, any drama, for any reason, as specifically defined here, coming from any woman I’m in a relationship with, that lasts longer than 20 seconds, is answered with a soft next. I have better things to do than to listen to some irrational, hysterical woman flip me shit. (Including working on my Mission, enjoying time with my family, playing blackjack, going to see movies, or having sex with other women who aren't flipping me shit.) I have a very full life and have no time for unhappiness or bullshit.
If you are a more emotional guy, or love monogamy, or lean more towards the Alpha Male 1.0 side of the scale, you’re going to disagree with me and think that that more drama from a woman is perfectly acceptable. As always, it’s your life and you need to decide what’s best for you, but if you consciously and purposely tolerate regular girl-drama in your life, I’m not interested in hearing you complain about all the drama you have, or that women are bitches, or any of that stuff.
The amount of drama you tolerate in your life is 100% your fault.
28. When do you consider her gone pure crazy and hard next her?
As I alluded to above, I don’t consider “crazy” a bad thing. “Crazy” FBs are really fantastic (great in bed too). I consider drama a bad thing, not crazy, and there are plenty of crazy women who won’t give you drama provided you don’t get monogamous with them and your frame is solid.
Regarding hard nexts, hard nexting is very rare, at least in my experience. It’s only necessary if she does something really horrible, like physical violence, stealing your money, breaking the law, endangering you in some way, messing with your children, etc. Of the scores of women I’ve had in FB/MLTR relationships over the past decade, I've only hard nexted two women in my entire life. Considering I’ve been in more relationships than not only the average guy, but more than the typical hardcore PUA as well, that’s a very tiny number. (Note to nitpickers: I said I’ve been in more relationships than the typical hardcore PUA, not slept with more women.)
29. You recommend to shut off your phone right after you next a girl. I can't just shut off my phone (work related) and I don't want to (because of a woman gone mad? - the hell I do).
Excuses. Stop being a pussy.
You must have your phone on you and available for incoming phone calls 24/7 at all times? I call bullshit.
And if it’s seriously not bullshit, then man, you have a very serious lifestyle problem that has nothing to do with women, and need to find a new line of work ASAP. I would never tolerate a working schedule like that, and I probably make more money than you do.
Secondly, no one is telling you to turn off your phone for an entire day or two. 30-60 minutes is all you need, perhaps two hours at the very most. If you still “don’t want” to turn off your phone for an hour because you feel some girl is “making you,” then you really need to check your outcome independence.
If some girl is blowing up my phone with calls or texts because I just soft nexted her, I have no problem with turning off my phone for a little bit. You shouldn’t either. Clam down and relax. It’s not a big deal.
30. Does a stronger EFA prevent the need for soft nexting?
Usually, yes (but not always). Unless I’m forgetting about someone, I have not had to soft next anyone in about two years. This because I do everything right, follow all the correct open/poly relationship rules, have a rock solid EFA at all times. I live a very happy, low-drama relationship life. (Which is the entire point here.)
However, this won’t prevent all need for soft nexting. Women are still human beings. When you factor in the usual problems that come along in life, women’s emotional ups and downs and lady time of the month, women can still have bad days and throw shit at you even if you’re the perfect lover/boyfriend/husband and are doing everything right. So you’ll still need to use soft nexting as a tool regardless of how good you are. But your point is valid; the better you are at handling your relationships, the less you’ll need to soft next women.
31. What if she suggests a meet during the no-contact period? Is radio silence still the answer?
Yes. No contact, no exceptions.
32. I don’t know about this technique. Radio silence could be seen as pouting.
I don’t care how she sees it and neither should you. The soft next is the most effective tool you can use regardless of if she views it as pouting or not. It’s effective because it removes your attention from her, which is what she craves from you the most. Why she thinks you’re removing the attention is completely irrelevant.
33. What if you honestly have rearranged your priories and meeting up is logistically impossible (out of town, other women, existing plans, etc). Wouldn't it send a better message to say, "I'd love to but I already have plans." In my opinion, she'd get the message that she now has lower priority in your life, and you're completely outcome independent about not seeing her.
Absolutely not, because:
A. Texting her like that is not a removal of attention.
B. Texting her like that is likely to create more follow-up questions, which you'll answer, and now you're having a conversation, and now you've completely killed the soft next.
C. Radio silence demonstrates far more outcome independence than your friendly text message.
If you respond to her texts during the no-contact period for any reason, it’s no longer a soft next and you’ve completely fucked it up.
34. How do you respond if, after the soft next is over, she asks why you ignored her texts, calls, etc?
As I keep saying, the odds of this happening are very low. If you execute the soft next correctly she’ll never bring it up again.
But if she asks, give her a very calm, nonspecific, outcome independent answer, and then change the subject. Examples would be “I was busy” or “What a silly question” or “Eh” or “Because I’m an asshole.” . Again, make sure you immediately change the subject, or else you’ll have a “conversation” that will likely end up as drama again (and another soft next).
And again, she knows damn well why you were ignoring her.
35. When she declines a meetup twice in a row, and you suspect that she is avoiding you, is that a soft nextable excuse?
Soft nexting is a relationship technique. It is not a dating / seduction / pickup technique. You cannot soft next a woman unless you’ve had sex with her at least twice and are seeing her at least semi-regularly. During the dating / seduction phase before you enter into a relationship and before you actually have sex twice, soft nexting is not an option. If you do something like that at this point she’ll just blow you off and go fuck some other guy. You’ll have to use other tools, or move on.
If we’re talking about a woman you’re already having sex with on a regular basis, if she declines a meetup twice in a row, then yes. At that point I would assume she has nexted me. Not only would I next her, but I’d next her for several weeks, if not months. Either she’s going through a rough time, or, most likely, a new man has entered the picture. I would simply next and follow the usual four months no contact rule and maybe re-ping her later several months later once her new monogamy has failed, which it always does.
36. If during the entire soft next period she doesn’t contact you at all, no matter how long it is, is it worth a hard next?
No. Just contact her again after the soft nexting period is over and continue the relationship. (If you're worried that she might not respond after the soft nexting period is over, I have literally never had that happen.)
37. Why cant you talk about the reason for her drama after the soft next is over and she's calmed down? Suppose you genuinely screw up. However, she blows it out of proportion and you soft next her for the drama. Then you call her in a couple of days, she’s eager to visit you. You discuss the underlying issue with her if necessary, and deal with it, but what you don’t discuss is her overreaction and the soft next, right?
The objective is to not get into a discussion. If you were in the wrong, apologize, and promise you'll try very hard not to do that again (but only if you're being honest). Then change the subject and move on. How long does it take to apologize? About five seconds, maybe ten. That's all you need. Anything beyond that, like "discussing the underlying issue" will simply cause more argument, drama and negative feelings (and may even result in a second soft next!). You were in the wrong, she overreacted, that's it. Move on.
38. Is it okay to verbalize aspects of this system to a woman? Or is it ‘guy drama’ in the sense of ‘issuing rules’ and thus should not be verbalized? Examples of things to verbalize would be the exact definition of drama, the 20 Second Rule, and that I will soft next her whenever drama occurs.
No. You should not verbalize any of this stuff to any FB or MLTR. As usual, don't say it, just do it. Trust me, women learn very quickly. No "explaining" is needed. Verbalizing this kind of thing is smacks of Alpha 1.0 and outcome dependency.
The exception to this would be a high-end MLTR or OLTR who has been in your life a very long time, least a year or two. At that point, yes, you could explain these parameters to her if your goal is to build a long-term future with her. Very few women you date will be in this category though.
39. Does soft nexting still work if the woman knows about the technique?
Yes. I've soft nexted many women who were fully aware of the technique and knew exactly what I was doing, and it always worked fine in 100% of these cases. There is no "defense" against the soft next other than permanently dumping the guy. It still works even if she knows what you're doing because we're talking about biology here, and you can't out-logic biology, at least not in the long-term. (By the way, this is true of most seduction / dating / relationship techniques; they usually still work just as well even if the woman knows exactly what you're doing and why.)
40. If you're both at your home and she physically refuses to leave, what do you do?
This is a very serious offense, and now you’re entering into hard next territory. Do your best to get her in the car, and if she actually refuses, make it clear (calmly) that the relationship will be over if she doesn’t do what you're asking. (Make sure to stay very calm though!) If she still refuses, leave her alone for a while and go into another room until she calms down. When she does, take her home, and then strongly consider hard nexting her. (If a woman actually refused to leave my home when asked, I would probably hard next her ass, if not soft next her for several months.)
41. What about soft nexting as a method of escaping the friend zone?
Soft nexting does not apply to friend zone. I describe the least-bad (but still very bad) method of escaping friend zone here. In my view, it’s too much work for one woman, so I would just move on. But no, soft nexting a friend zone girl won’t do shit.
42. Does soft nexting work on my children, or will that fuck them up emotionally?
You can’t soft next your children. Instead, you give them time outs, exactly how I describe in chapter 24 of my book.
Few Key Points Regarding Soft Nexts
While the soft next is the most powerful and effective tool you can use on women to keep a relationship happy and low-drama, it is not a magic bullet. Soft nexting will not necessarily fix other problems you created prior to the next. Don’t expect to break all the usual of open/poly relationships rules and do things wrong (like seeing her more than once a week, or acting like a boyfriend, or calling her every day) and then expect a soft next to fix the relationship when she starts throwing drama at you. Soft nexting does not mean you don’t have to still follow all the basic relationship rules and frames. You do. For more information, ready my open relationships book.
Sometimes, guys who are monogamous, or at least have a very monogamous, oneitis, or needy frame with a woman, will attempt a soft next on her and simply cause nuclear explosions in the relationship. If you’ve acted like a boyfriend, if you’ve been talking on the phone every day, and if you’ve never done anything like a soft next in your life, suddenly throwing a soft next at a woman is going to be extremely confusing for her, and it won’t be very effective. Namely, because when she screams her head off about what you’re doing (because she’s so confused) you won’t have the frame to keep radio silent. You’ll respond to her shit. Then everything gets worse.
(If you’re asking what you should do in a monogamous relationship, soft nexts do work because I’ve heard of monogamous men doing them, but I can’t say anything more on that since I don’t advise men in monogamous relationships.)
Every once and a while I will see a guy complain that “soft nexting doesn’t work.” Every time I have questioned these guys, and I mean this now, every time, it comes out that the guy didn’t do the soft next correctly. The most common error is that when the woman started in with her angry calls / texts during the no-contact period, the guy couldn’t control himself and actually responded. This, of course, always ends up in a volcano of drama between him and her. Bad.
Hear me on this: If you do that, if you execute a soft next incorrectly like this, it will make your relationship worse. You’ve demonstrated to her that you can’t control yourself, that she can “get” to you if she just says certain things, and worst of all, you’ve introduced a high-drama frame into the relationship where there was (perhaps) none before.
If you don’t have the balls or the emotional control to completely ignore and go radio silent on a woman you’re dating for a few days (and many of you do not, including many of you Alphas and experienced PUAs), then you probably shouldn’t attempt a soft next at all, and just put up with her drama. As bad as it is, you’ll just make it all worse if you soft next incorrectly.
Soft nexting is an Alpha Male 2.0 move. If you’ve been a beta or Alpha Male 1.0 this entire time with her and suddenly throw an Alpha 2.0 curveball at her, it won’t be as effective. As I’ve said many times, if you want this stuff to work, if you want to live a consistently happy life, you should be Alpha 2.0 from the first second of the very first date, and never let up (confident, outcome independent, nonmonogamous, non-needy, relaxed, happy, honest, positive, supportive, fun). Then everything else falls into place, and soft nexts will be extremely effective.
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Minister 2016-07-18 05:38:29
As far as question 35 is concerned, is it the exact same occasion with her cancelling the meetup WITHOUT counter proposing another specific time? Technically, you can't soft next someone that has already soft nexted you.
Shanghai_bobby 2016-07-18 06:19:30
Heya BD, In terms of soft nexting if you're monogamously married, it works fine. I remember when my mom gave my dad heaps of shit, he'd tell her 'I'm leaving for a while', pack a back, then fuck off somewhere. He'd have complete radio silence, and sometimes I wouldn't even seen him for well over a week/almost two weeks. During the first day - 3 days, mom would say 'he'll be back'. After the 4th day, she'd worry something happened to him. After the first week, she'd be completely frantic and spamming calls, going out to look for him, etc. etc. I don't remember them fighting for at least another half a year - a year after that. Cheers, SB
Al 2016-07-18 08:16:34
In case any one doubts all the points that BD has made, then take it from a very ordinary bloke who has used this technique when needed that SOFT NEXTS WORK. I once had drama thrown at me on a weekend away. We left a day early. I drove home without a word while getting more drama on the way back. It's very hard to stay calm and quiet but you must do it. Got back to hers and sat with the engine running while she got her gear out of the back. Then drove away. She got in touch about two weeks later. I ignored her. Then she got in touch a bit later, apologised and suggested meeting up for sex which we did. Another girl. Was heading out on a day out - bit of business bit of pleasure. Half way there she kicks off. I turrned the car round and took her straight back. The look on her face was a picture. Down graded but we still have sex now and again. Folks, you can treat these ladies properly, caringly and lovingly but don't take any shit. Took me way too long to figure all this but now that I have it's so simple. Young readers you have a huge advantage going forward armed with this knowledge. 🙂
Marsupial 2016-07-18 08:19:22
11. What if right after you say “I don’t do drama” or something similar and get up to leave, she realizes she seriously fucked up and immediately apologizes and asks you to stay? … Of course women will sometimes promise to stop. They’re usually lying.This is a general rule in life. If you absolve someone of consequences because they apologised, all they will learn is "Sweet! If I apologise, I can do whatever I like!" Oh sure, not everyone is like that. But people who do shit and expect to get away with it often are. Conversely, people who don't simply expect a free ride through life are cool with taking consequences for bad behaviour. Male and female; young and old; personal or business - this is a general rule. Do not absolve people of consequences on the basis of a mere apology. Particularly not people who tend to be master manipulators and thespians. Why then apologise at all? If you are asking that, then likely you are one of those dirtbags who apologise only in order to get something out of doing so. Decent people apologise when appropriate simply because it's the decent thing to do.
Drembo Snargon 2016-07-18 08:48:10
I'd love to hear your drama management techniques for women you're living with.
hey hey 2016-07-18 08:56:51
Minister Number 35 happened to me and it is amazing when you first experience such a thing and see how well it works. She refused exactly 2 meetups. I told her that's ok good luck with your exams(which was not the reason for refusing the meetups and i knew it). Few days later she was posting pictures with another guy. Radio silence from me. Couple of months later she was putting her friend to tell me how she misses and wants to see me. Now she is downgraded to FB because for now she proved she is not an MLTR material. Technically it is also soft next from you because you didn't insist. You gave her two chances(as per the relationship techniques you haven't seen her for 2 weeks). Imagine she went with the new guy, without you knowing it and you kept calling her to come over. You should know when to proceed with this and see through her, otherwise you are being seen as needy. If a woman wants to see you she will reply with another date not refuse it outright.
Minister 2016-07-18 09:10:08
Minister Number 35 happened to me and it is amazing when you first experience such a thing and see how well it works. She refused exactly 2 meetups.This is not exactly what I am asking. I am asking if her cancelling the meetup later twice in a row is equivalent to refusing the meetup 2 times.
hey hey 2016-07-18 09:21:18
Yes it is if she is cold with her replies and not giving you other dates or not trying to make up for it. What's the difference? The point is she likely doesn't want to see you for whatever reason. If you insist you increase the likelihood of not seeing her ever again. If you let her be you'll increase the attraction towards you and she will come back later a better person than she was before.
Blackdragon 2016-07-18 11:05:14
As far as question 35 is concerned, is it the exact same occasion with her cancelling the meetup WITHOUT counter proposing another specific time? Technically, you can’t soft next someone that has already soft nexted you. I am asking if her cancelling the meetup later twice in a row is equivalent to refusing the meetup 2 times.Cancelling an appointment she already agreed to is not the same as you asking her to meet up and her saying no, or dodging the issue, or ending the conversation as soon as you ask. In the first scenario, keep re-scheduling until you get that date. Maybe hard next if she cancels two or three times (up to you). In the second second scenario, she's likely nexted you. Move on.
In terms of soft nexting if you’re monogamously married, it works fine. I remember when my mom gave my dad heaps of shit, he’d tell her ‘I’m leaving for a while’, pack a back, then fuck off somewhere. He’d have complete radio silence, and sometimes I wouldn’t even seen him for well over a week/almost two weeks.I agree that will probably work in certain scenarios and with certain women, but 99.9% of men reading these words are not going to have the balls to leave their monogamous wife and children for 2 weeks straight with zero contact. I don't teach skills that only 0.1% of men are capable of. (Nor do I teach monogamy.)
If you absolve someone of consequences because they apologised, all they will learn is “Sweet! If I apologise, I can do whatever I like!”Exactly. This is a classic masculine misunderstanding of the feminine.
I’d love to hear your drama management techniques for women you’re living with.Way too off topic for this thread. Check the archive for articles I've written on that, and/or buy this book. (I will have more to say about that topic later this year.)
Revo 2016-07-19 12:13:33
He BD, Great site and great technique. It makes complete sense. I am married and have made all of the Beta mistakes you talk about, but about two years ago I started to make changes. And I have been somewhat successful. Of course I knew nothing about softnext but I did know about something in the movie "Goodfellas" it is a classic move. Here is the scene its hilarious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n16uBK71miQ I have used this and it has worked for me. I know its not a softnext but I am stuck in a 20 year marriage for now and have to deal with it. But this has changed the dynamic in the house, no more bitching, much less drama, and much more sex. So there is something to what you are saying. Cheers
Captain 2016-07-19 18:18:02
Regarding soft-nexting a live in GF or wife, my ex-wife would literally stand behind my car if I tried to leave while she was throwing drama. I eventually got my sh.. together and hard-nexted her. It's been over 2 years and I've had lots of one night stands, FBs and a few MLTRs. In these 2+ years, I've only had one women throw me drama and that was very early on. After my possibly borderline ex-wife, I came to the conclusion that I have no room for drama in my life and I think I must be doing a great job of conveying this to the women in my life. Per BDs framework I establish an open relationship frame early on which I think also helps. I also have kept high drama type women as nothing more than one night stands or FBs. But most importantly, I think I just put off a vibe that says no drama. Not that I want to, but I still have yet to try the soft next.
Captain 2016-07-19 18:39:18
Regarding women soft nexting guys: My current main MLTR has always been in contact very regularly. During her Spring Break though, I didn't hear from her for 5 days. I didn't contact her either. Sure enough she was having a fling.
Blackdragon 2016-07-19 20:13:08
My current main MLTR has always been in contact very regularly. During her Spring Break though, I didn’t hear from her for 5 days. I didn’t contact her either. Sure enough she was having a fling.Yep. That's how it works. Because human beings are not monogamous, women love to fuck multiple men just like men like to play with multiple women. But because of ASD, most women over the age of 22 are somewhat uncomfortable having sex with multiple men at the same time. So, if she's having sex with Guy A and wants to have sex with Guy B, she "has" to drop, or at least act like she's dropping Guy A so she can play with Guy B for a while, even if it's just for a week or two. And as long as Guy A keeps his cool (and most men can't because of neediness, territoriality, jealousy, or oneitis), she'll eventually drop guy Guy B and go right back to Guy A. It's very normal.
Leon 2016-07-20 02:28:16
How do you react if you unexpectedly meet her in time of a soft next? (like at events hosted by mutual friends/mall/cafe...). What would be your frame, talk to her like nothing happens? ignore her?
Blackdragon 2016-07-20 10:36:07
How do you react if you unexpectedly meet her in time of a soft next? (like at events hosted by mutual friends/mall/cafe…). What would be your frame, talk to her like nothing happens? ignore her?1. If you met her at an event "hosted by mutual friends" then you are violating the soft next and it's your fault. If she's likely going to be at an event like that, find something else to do (unless the situation is abnormal). 2. If you meet her outside in the normal day-to-day world and it's completely not your fault, just nod, smile, say hi, and move on. If she tries to stop you or talk to you, tell her you're busy, can't talk right now, and move on.
Anon. 2016-07-21 06:27:46
What about an update to #23: the point of the soft next isn’t to make it seem you’re abducted by aliens, but rather to make her think you’re living your exciting life which is no less exciting without her? Thus it should be irrelevant whether she gets proof that her messages are seen by you. By the way, as recently as yesterday a girl wrote something to me that I didn’t like. Pondering whether that was soft-next-worthy, I woke up to a message from her stating she was horny and would like to pay me a visit. While having breakfast without having replied to that, I left a phone call from her unanswered and then an angry message came that if I don’t want to talk, so be it, and my list of Facebook friends became shorter. So apparently she soft nexted herself : ) Also, in general, she has been misbehaving ever since we returned from a vacation a couple of weeks ago (it has been very good during the vacation itself). It cost what she earns in three months, or what I earn in one day, so we paid for it in roughly that proportion. I’m rather a generous person, and it pains me to see that due to some subconscious mechanisms my generosity (and/or my continuous presence) triggers such adverse reactions. She even asked me for a gift recently, and reacted badly when no immediate promise was forthcoming. Come to think about it, there was no single case when I spent money on her and it improved anything, at best no deterioration happened. So contrary to what we’re taught to believe.
DJ 2016-07-21 09:10:06
Hey BD, If you're on a 1st date and the girl indicates that she is open to/prefers the idea of an open relationship compared to monogamy (a serious OLTR/open marriage long term, not just open like fwb where you fuck others till settling down), would you handle it any differently than if she hadn't made that indication? Would you promote her to MLTR quicker/instantly? Would you promote her to OLTR quicker? Because of ASD and slut shaming I guess women keep silent about this even if they prefer open relationships, but have you had a case where a woman expressed preference for open vs monogamy? Thanks, DJ
DJ 2016-07-21 09:17:32
PS in addition to Q4 - if you soft next her but she doesnt contact you during the next, would you wait indefinitely or at some point contact her first? How long would you wait max if she (FB/MLTR) didn't contact you first? Or would you just forget about her since she must be not interested?
Blackdragon 2016-07-21 11:08:18
What about an update to #23: the point of the soft next isn’t to make it seem you’re abducted by aliens, but rather to make her think you’re living your exciting life which is no less exciting without her? Thus it should be irrelevant whether she gets proof that her messages are seen by you.Correct!
By the way, as recently as yesterday a girl wrote something to me that I didn’t like. Pondering whether that was soft-next-worthy, I woke up to a message from her stating she was horny and would like to pay me a visit. While having breakfast without having replied to that, I left a phone call from her unanswered and then an angry message came that if I don’t want to talk, so be it, and my list of Facebook friends became shorter.Yes, that is absolutely worthy of a soft next.
I’m rather a generous person, and it pains me to see that due to some subconscious mechanisms my generosity (and/or my continuous presence) triggers such adverse reactions.It's called betaization. It's very normal. That's why it's so dangerous to pay for women like this, and your guy-logical justifications of "well I make more money than she does so it should be okay" don't matter at all.
If you’re on a 1st date and the girl indicates that she is open to/prefers the idea of an open relationship compared to monogamy (a serious OLTR/open marriage long term, not just open like fwb where you fuck others till settling down), would you handle it any differently than if she hadn’t made that indication?No. Ignore what women say and only pay attention to what they do.
Would you promote her to MLTR quicker/instantly? Would you promote her to OLTR quicker?You can promote a woman to an MLTR as fast as you like (once you've had sex twice of course). OLTR, no. OLTR is a position that is earned through 6-18 months of dating while you carefully watch her actions while ignoring her words. Once again, you're putting too much weight on what she's saying, not what she's doing. Ignore what women say.
Because of ASD and slut shaming I guess women keep silent about this even if they prefer open relationships, but have you had a case where a woman expressed preference for open vs monogamy?Yes. The process was exactly the same.
if you soft next her but she doesnt contact you during the next, would you wait indefinitely or at some point contact her first? How long would you wait max if she (FB/MLTR) didn’t contact you first? Or would you just forget about her since she must be not interested?I answered that above in questions 4 and 35.
CF 2016-08-05 17:57:02
Regarding 11.... After they beg and apologize, and I give a disappointed and stern look and say "Don't apologize, just don't do it again" Is that acceptable? Or female logic would interpret that in some other way?
Blackdragon 2016-08-05 19:01:20
After they beg and apologize, and I give a disappointed and stern look and say “Don’t apologize, just don’t do it again” Is that acceptable?It's acceptable, but it's not Alpha 2.0. Therefore I would never say that. An Alpha 2.0 never tells a woman what to do. "Don't do that again" is an Alpha 1.0 statement. Instead I would say, with happy smile (no stern look), "Okay, but if you do it one more time, I'm leaving," then actually leave if she does it one more time (and go have sex with someone else).
CF 2016-08-05 22:58:10
Instead I would say, with happy smile (no stern look), “Okay, but if you do it one more time, I’m leaving,” then actually leave if she does it one more timeAh! Yes. That conveys the message a lot better. Thanks BD!
Elijah 2016-08-22 19:56:52
As for doing this because of refusals for sex for non-medical reasons, how far does this go? Flat out refusing normal sex, I get that. But there are some levels of sexual non-compliance I can think of. I'll give a few examples. How would you react if: 1. You have already had great sex that evening. Later on, you feel like getting a blowjob, and A. she refuses, and also won't have more sex. B. She refuses a blowjob, but offers sex. 2. Prior to meeting a FB for the evening, we start talking about sex and conversation turns to a particular outfit or style of presenting herself that I'd like to see, which she promises and builds anticipation about. She shows up, and hasn't done it after all (without any logical excuse).
Blackdragon 2016-08-22 20:32:12
You have already had great sex that evening. Later on, you feel like getting a blowjob, and A. she refuses, and also won’t have more sex. B. She refuses a blowjob, but offers sex.I would never next for that. She offered you sex.
Prior to meeting a FB for the evening, we start talking about sex and conversation turns to a particular outfit or style of presenting herself that I’d like to see, which she promises and builds anticipation about. She shows up, and hasn’t done it after all (without any logical excuse).I would never soft next for that. Demanding a woman dress a certain way is Alpha Male 1.0 stuff. I'd just go find another FB who dressed the way I liked (will still fucking the first FB if necessary).
Elijah 2016-08-22 22:29:46
Also, would your response be different if this was a WD instead of an FB?
Blackdragon 2016-08-23 12:53:34
Also, would your response be different if this was a WD instead of an FB?Nope.
Bs 2016-09-02 12:32:20
why I cant treat Drama as Shit Tests?
Blackdragon 2016-09-02 14:42:50
why I cant treat Drama as Shit Tests?You can.
Bs 2016-09-03 07:15:44
well All the red pill community screams that passing shit test is attraction amplifier. 1. so soft next for Drama is a way of passing Shitests? 2. what will happen if woman try to tease me and test my masculine frame and I do soft next to her? I loose attraction as I stated above... *I did a seperation between Drama and Teasing/Testing. I cannot do it on date 1 in a bar with a woman. i will seems that I got offended.
Blackdragon 2016-09-03 12:25:01
Bs, stop asking these stupid questions that I've already answered all over my blog. Go through my archive and do some reading. Then think before you ask.
Minister 2016-09-09 02:28:30
If during the entire soft next period she doesn't contact you at all, no matter how long it is, is it worth a hard next?
Blackdragon 2016-09-09 10:35:09
If during the entire soft next period she doesn’t contact you at all, no matter how long it is, is it worth a hard next?Updated the post above. (Question 36)
Ashley 2016-10-13 22:16:12
"The objective is to not get into a discussion" Why? It seems like you aren't treating the woman like an equal, you are treating her like a child or subordinate with silent treatment and avoidance. You mention in your one of your other posts that over time the more intelligent a woman is, the faster she regularly starts to throw drama at you. Men who comment in forums you own are even critical of this tactic, saying it actually caused more drama for them. It's my opinion you are holding the right positions on the validity of cooling down and taking a break but you are dead wrong about not discussing it, if the woman wants to discuss it. If neither one of you wants to, then don't but making a unilateral decision is wrong. It's also my opinion that when you act like a woman's perspective isn't valid or important enough to discuss, you make her feel like she's crazy. Women can't really feel safe with a man behaving like that. Soft nexting comes across as nothing more than a power play designed to impose your way of seeing things, on someone consider less than yourself. Please tell me I'm wrong.
CF 2016-10-14 00:15:52
@Ashley From my understanding (although I could be wrong since I'm not 2.0 yet), No. Once I start explaining things, it just ends up setting up rules/guidelines that she shouldnt break. And then they find something that borders on the rule/guideline, but dont cross it. It still irks me so then another rule pops in. Repeat. In the end, she gets squeezed in a tiny box and I have to be constantly on the lookout. Too much work for both of us. Soft nexting is simply. "I'm not happy in this situation, later." Honestly, there'll be less issues in everyone's lives if they just soft/hard next all types of relationships. And are you talking about 'discussion' after initiating soft next or post soft next?
Anon. 2016-10-14 06:47:13
Ashley, note that the soft next is necessarily the result of irresponsible childish behavior on her part. She behaves responsibly, in a manner appropriate for adults — there's discussion and there's no soft next. She loses it — there's a soft next and there's no discussion. Also—though this might only be tangentially related—I started to notice that women who want to have long relationship-related discussions with me are doing so because they have strict rules (making them Dominants by BD's classification), rules that make no rational sense altogether. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to realize BD's right that there can be no happy relationship involving such women.
Ashley 2016-10-14 07:28:49
Thanks guys but the issue I have is that I'm a believer in nexting but not on the way it's executed here. I'm a high drama woman and intelligent. When I say I'm high drama I just know that a dual alpha pairing is what I like, what I will haveas long as the man doesn't try to control me. So CF, I'd like to use a hypothetical here. You and I are sexually involved and have some kind of issue, maybe it's legit, maybe I'm just hormonal, the point is, I get worked up to the point that you want to bail, I'm pissed but knowing that trying to have a rational discussion at that point is going to be fruitless, I submit to the soft next. It was a bad argument, so 7 days later I'm far more rational. Most of the time you are right, there really isn't a need to get into a discussion because I've figured it out, but the issues I'm talking about relate to your frame or insecurities. If you and I get into a touchy subject for you or something you feel strongly about, you get angry and I'm highly sensitive and emotional so I reflect that passion, are you saying that because it's touchy for you or something you feel strongly about there should be no discussion? And that's that? Because that's what I disagree with. I enjoy reading this blog and comments. I get incredible insight into male psyche, the blog post from the other day revealed in comments that men don't think that women who would embrace these principles are high caliber. As a woman, it's good to know that my 100% support of the way you see the world makes men see me as less valuable.
Anon. 2016-10-14 08:31:56
You and I are sexually involved and have some kind of issue, maybe it’s legit, maybe I’m just hormonal, the point is, I get worked up to the point that you want to bailThus, either the issue was never legit to begin with, or you were unable to handle a legit issue responsibly. What is there to be discussed?
men don’t think that women who would embrace these principles are high caliberSome think that way, yes. This line of thinking sounds awfully similar to the M/w complex and slut shaming to me. If that describes the man (men) you're dealing with, then maybe you can't really be open around such men, like men can't be open around most women.
I’m a high drama woman and intelligent. When I say I’m high drama I just know that a dual alpha pairing is what I like, what I will haveas long as the man doesn’t try to control me.Would you say this applies to you? https://blackdragonblog.com/2015/06/25/womens-greatest-problem-the-myth-of-the-submissive-alpha-male/
Blackdragon 2016-10-15 02:08:51
“The objective is to not get into a discussion” Why?Because a discussion, while she's upset, will lead to an argument and drama, which will make the man unhappy.
Men who comment in forums you own are even critical of this tactic, saying it actually caused more drama for them.I've addressed that; 100% of these men executed the soft next incorrectly.
If neither one of you wants to, then don’t but making a unilateral decision is wrong.If he doesn't want to discuss it while she's upset, and she does, and she bullies him by forcing the discussion, she's making a unilateral decision. Is that wrong too? Or are unilateral decisions made by women okay but ones made by men not okay? Long-term relationships in the real world involve unilateral decisions all the time. They have to.
It’s also my opinion that when you act like a woman’s perspective isn’t valid or important enough to discuss, you make her feel like she’s crazy. Women can’t really feel safe with a man behaving like that.Then she's more than welcome to dump me whenever she likes and go date man who will tolerate her bitching at him for 20 minutes.
Soft nexting comes across as nothing more than a power play designed to impose your way of seeing things, on someone consider less than yourself.Read item number 32 in the above article.
Please tell me I’m wrong.It's not a matter of right or wrong. I don't like drama and you don't mind it. Thus, I'm going to think soft nexting is fantastic, and you're doing to think it's the worst thing you've ever heard. Because you're a girl, and because, as you just admitted above, you're high drama. If you like drama, or don't mind drama, then you should never date a man like me. Very simple.
Ashley 2016-10-20 21:55:59
High drama, I'd like to clarify. I'm only considered high drama to men who disagree with me because I've never conformed to most peer or societal pressure, I also think you missed the fact that I mentioned that after things had cooled down, it should be possible for them to have a rational discussion about something he overreacted or was wrong about. If you look at the context of the question I asked "Why?", after a guy asked you about discussing it later if they were wrong...your reply is basically "No! Not even if you are wrong and she wants to talk. For me it comes down to ethics of power play because I've been attracted to BDSM from a young age. I was interested and reading about alternative lifestyles before you appeared to be and since I grew up in the Midwest, I was a freak and to deal with being shunned and different, I just shut my sexuality down for years and acted like it wasn't important. Then one day, I woke up like Tony Robbins says and said "never again". It started with tying up casual sex partners and has ended up with me practicing and studying as a lifestyle dominatrix for over 2 years now. I'm also polyamorous. You don't get credit for being a woman who has a high sex drive and doesn't want to have to lie or cheat, you get called a slut, high drama, an alcoholic even though you don't drink, or on the subreddit where they broke down a woman who comments on here regularly and called her a Dark Triad psycho and many unflattering other things. All because we are women and embracing our power and being honest instead of sneaky bitches. I recently came out about being a lifestyle dominatrix to all my family and friends because I came to the conclusion I wasn't going to live in anyone else's box and not have everyone know the real me. Guilt, shame, men feeling bad about normal sexual feelings, women feeling bad about normal sexual feelings, that's what people have told me since I decided not to live 2 lives and even tied my brand to it. I'm high drama because that's what moves society forward and like Cougarbaby says "Stop Making Men Shitty"... when Alpha Females stand by, stay silent and submit when men are wrong about their way of thinking that's being weak. You and I may disagree but if you and I disagree and we truly are equals in any kind of a relationship, "ghosting" should not occur. You want to take a break, fine, neither one of us want to talk about it after, fine, but you deciding you are infallible is my issue. That's what you are implying with the "Takeaway close" and "my way or the hightway" I think you know I agree with most of what you write and one of the reasons I enjoy being a lifestyle dominatrix is because of how much I love men. Men have a lot of guilt and shame when it comes to sex and when they role play female sexual supremacy, they seem to like it because it frees them from being worried about rape culture and whether or not what they are doing is wrong. The female Dominant (good word in BDSM) is in charge and when you tie men up, put hoods, blindfolds on them, participate in impact play, you need to be sure that you aren't abusing them. Consent is everything and when I look around this blog I see a lack of consent and accountability for staying Alpha 2.0, so I ask questions. If it weren't for men like you, I wouldn't be where I'm at today but you aren't infallible, sorry.
Blackdragon 2016-10-21 08:10:34
Consent is everything and when I look around this blog I see a lack of consent and accountability for staying Alpha 2.0You don't hear that from me. (I can't comment on what other commenters say though.)
Ashley 2016-10-21 11:30:08
@Anon no sweetie, I don't believe in Submissive Alpha Males, nor do I feel the need to impose values on the men in my life unless they want to be enslaved to me in role play, but that wasn't always the case. I had to do my emotional work and I still constantly question myself. We all have baggage and issues but our jobs, if we claim to be leaders is to grow and evolve and it's my opinion many PUA practices need to be retired due to the ethics in power play they violate. @Blackdragon The lack of consent I see is your insistence of beta shaming by calling men betas, fat weak losers who don't live up to your standards, you call women childish, bitches and many other things because they disagree with the way you see the world, why? You'll say tough love, fine. What doesn't make sense is why would someone who is all zen and happy be so concerned about judging others? Is it the readers that kind of degradation brings in? There's no such thing as bad publicity? If a married man with a 9 inch cock wants me to call him a beta, small dicked, married loser because it turns him on during sexual role play, he and I have agreed ahead of time that's within the bounds of our power play. You don't do that, you are involving the world in all your drama of what standards should be by name calling. It's a dog eat dog world, but given how you frame yourself as the authority on all things involving healthy and happy male/female relationships I question your sincerity on not wanting to impose your will on everyone because you can't stop name calling. You men seem to respond to everything being "childish". I've dated men who thought my interest in BDSM was childish role play. But forget about that, let's get back to Why? Why no discussion if one partner in a relationship wants it after a bad blow up? I think you have this deep seated feeling that any time a woman questions you it's because she's trying to betaize you. I'm a curious person and my personality approaches the world wanting to know other people's perspectives. I realize you have done all this Alpha 2.0 programming but how does that make you or any other man infallible and unable to answer a few questions about a nexting? More importantly, how long has nexting been in place? 10 years? It would seem to me any evidence of its infallibility and how you apply the practices is anecdotal and not scientific. .
Blackdragon 2016-10-21 11:45:50
The lack of consent I see is your insistence of beta shaming by calling men betas, fat weak losers who don’t live up to your standards, you call women childish, bitchesI don't call men (as a group) fat or weak or losers. Nor do I call women (as a group) bitches. You're mixing me up with someone else. I do call men who are betas, betas. And I do call women childish sometimes, but I call men childish all the time as well, particularly Alpha Male 1.0s.
But forget about that, let’s get back to Why? Why no discussion if one partner in a relationship wants it after a bad blow up?Discussion at that point as fine as long as the woman doesn't start in with drama again. If she does, she gets another soft next.
Ashley 2016-10-21 13:16:56
@Blackdragon If you look at my comments you didn't answer the question about how proven nexting is. How proven is it? Besides anecdotal stories you've told us? How long has its practices been in place, in healthy male/female relationships? Is it only 4 years? I'm not mixing you up with someone else. Your need to call any man a beta or any woman a bitch, brings up the lack of consent in degrading other humans. It makes me question your sincerity to Brian Tracy's principles but especially the principle he says is the most important of all. Brian Tracy is one of your mentors. People who are happy and secure in themselves don't name call. Your last statement of "as long as there's no drama" tells me all I need to know, as long as a woman submits to your way of thinking a discussion is ok but should there be any passion or more than mild mannered debate she can fuck off and die as far as you're concerned. I know that's the way the world works but don't get upset with a woman who want a say in how her world operates when she's in a relationship, especially if she's respectful of a man's opinions and values. You stop calling anyone names and I'll believe you are infallible and self actualized.
Blackdragon 2016-10-21 13:52:34
If you look at my comments you didn’t answer the question about how proven nexting is. How proven is it?It is proven for the very small percentage of men who have been educated on how to use it. Obviously soft nexting is not a mainstream technique. Less than 1% of men are even aware of it.
How long has its practices been in place, in healthy male/female relationships? Is it only 4 years?No. I didn't invent the soft next. Aspects of the PUA community did before I came along. I just refined it. The term "next" or "soft/hard next" has been around since 2006 or so.
Your last statement of “as long as there’s no drama” tells me all I need to know, as long as a woman submits to your way of thinking a discussion is ok but should there be any passion or more than mild mannered debate she can fuck off and die as far as you’re concerned.Incorrect. A woman can disagree with me all she likes, as long as she keeps a normal tone of voice and doesn't threaten or insult me. I've said this many, many times. I'm now starting to question your ability to read.
You stop calling anyone names and I’ll believe you are infallible and self actualized.I am neither. Nor do I care what you think of me. You're just repeating yourself now. I'm done discussing this with you. Feel free to keep commenting though!
Jack Outside the Box 2016-10-22 02:31:31
MAJOR political correctness detected! Employing red pill countermeasures now:
“The objective is to not get into a discussion” Why? It seems like you aren’t treating the woman like an equal, you are treating her like a child or subordinate with silent treatment and avoidance.When she acts like a child, she should be treated like a child. Hence the soft next and avoidance of any further discussion. After she demonstrates adult qualities again, her equality can be restored.
It’s my opinion you are holding the right positions on the validity of cooling down and taking a break but you are dead wrong about not discussing it, if the woman wants to discuss it.As long as she discusses it like an adult, it may be discussed.
If neither one of you wants to, then don’t but making a unilateral decision is wrong.Unilateral decisions are the only sane decisions when dealing with children, or people who act like children.
It’s also my opinion that when you act like a woman’s perspective isn’t valid or important enough to discuss, you make her feel like she’s crazy.Her perspective is valid to the extent that she presents it calmly, rationally, and respectfully. If she's acting like a hysterical freak, it means she really is crazy, and therefore, should be made to feel like she's crazy, because she really is.
Women can’t really feel safe with a man behaving like that.And men can't feel safe when a woman is screaming at them and behaving like a two year old who just lost their pacifier.
Soft nexting comes across as nothing more than a power play designed to impose your way of seeing things, on someone consider less than yourself.If she's acting like a child then, at that moment, she IS "less than myself." And adults should have power over those who act like little kids. But the only way of seeing things that I'm "imposing" on her is seeing the fact that acting like a child is unacceptable. But that does not pass judgment on her point of view within the actual argument one way or the other. That we're not even going to get to until after she has calmed down and the soft next is over.
When I say I’m high drama I just know that a dual alpha pairing is what I like, what I will haveas long as the man doesn’t try to control me.But by screaming at him and throwing drama his way, you are trying to control him. A soft next doesn't create a new chain of control. It breaks an established one.
You and I are sexually involved and have some kind of issue, maybe it’s legit, maybe I’m just hormonal, the point is, I get worked up to the point that you want to bail, I’m pissed but knowing that trying to have a rational discussion at that point is going to be fruitless, I submit to the soft next.No! The soft next was initiated in the first place because the man came to the inescapable conclusion that a rational conversation with a hysterical lunatic is fruitless. The woman didn't come to that realization. The man did. And the woman didn't "submit" to the soft next. She doesn't get a choice, because the man's body, including his legs and where he takes them, belong to him, not her. Get that straight!
It was a bad argument, so 7 days later I’m far more rational. Most of the time you are right, there really isn’t a need to get into a discussion because I’ve figured it out, but the issues I’m talking about relate to your frame or insecurities. If you and I get into a touchy subject for you or something you feel strongly about, you get angry and I’m highly sensitive and emotional so I reflect that passion, are you saying that because it’s touchy for you or something you feel strongly about there should be no discussion?There can be a discussion if she's respectful and not abusive towards him. You seem to be reframing unacceptable abuse as "passion." Nice reframe, but you have no right to treat a man in a way he doesn't want to be treated while at the same time demanding that he stay with you. That's called kidnapping my dear, and it's a felony. If you don't like that he soft nexts or ignores you, you're more than welcome to leave him as well. I assure you, he won't start demanding that you stay against your will, unlike you.
Robere 2016-11-13 07:58:35
BD, Regarding soft nexts, I'm an older guy who's been seeing a 19 year old for about 5 months. Basically she comes over once a week or every ten days, we bang and watch movies. We've been on a few dinner dates. I'm pretty sure she's keeping me 'under wraps' because of the age difference. She's doing shit with her college friends on weekends...banging college guys for all I know. She called it off once, citing age difference and we each need to 'find someone'...then 10 days later wanted to get back together. we had one get back together, though no sex as she claimed (which I know to be true) that she had within the last 5 days a birth control insert in her vagina...and she needed to wait at least a solid week. so we scheduled a next get together. Well, the morning of the next get together she sends a long somewhat emotional text saying we could only be friends and she's sorry again for 'being an asshole'. Question...should I even respond? Should I wait three days ( like a soft next) or just do it on the same day? I like her as a person and would like to keep her around but it's obviously looking pretty unlikely at this point. Yes, I'm gaming other women too, she was just a good long term plate there for a while. Thanks.
Gil Galad 2016-11-13 10:32:41
@Robere: BD stated he would no longer answer questions about a specific girl, read his "There's this one girl" article, it really sums it up. Other than that (but bear in mind I'm no expert, I just read the blog a lot), I'd say reply along the lines of "okay, wish you the best", and then don't be friends with her. You don't have to explicitly say that you don't do friendzone, just acquiesce to her long message and then let her drift away. Any time she wants to see you (as a "friend"), tell her to come to your place and escalate on her; if she says no, gracefully refuse the meet.
Blackdragon 2016-11-13 12:33:34
I’m an older guy who’s been seeing a 19 year old for about 5 monthshttps://blackdragonblog.com/2016/09/15/theres-one-girl/
CurtsNOKC 2016-11-15 09:15:57
If living together - would putting on my beats headphones and minding my own biz for couple days work possibly? Seems like it has worked a lil so far cuz it's pissing her off she can't ramble or bitch and it looks like shes gonna explode lmbo. I'm having a hard time not laughing however lol. On a separate issue - my GF kinda tricked me and said she liked to have threesomes and was Bi. She knew my prior marriage of 19 years was pretty spicy. She had threesomes w other couple guys that she was non-exclusive with. I decided (as an experiment) to move in with her. I know I know lol. (Aside from this our sex life is awesome) Now, I'm getting drama about the whole threesome thing like im being really pushy with it. I told her in the very beginning that I don't feel I could be in a relationship long-term w someone that did not allow this and that the longer it takes to have one, the odds go down that it will ever happen. She also told me she wanted me to help her look for a GF ONLINE for us even though I prefer us look for one together OFFLINE. So when I did she gets mad that I setup a profile. Wtf. Now, I fully understand that women will find ANY way to blame a man for stuff but geez. I also told her that I prefer the chic handle all of this and that it MUST be lite, fun, laid back, drama free, and jealous free or I won't do it. Shit, I even told her I'd just touch her only at first so she would relax. But now it's feeling like no matter what I try to do, even IF she sets one up, it won't be very enjoyable and fun. Then she will hate me and say I forced her to have one as an ultimatum blah blah blah. So, my question is, how can I salvage this, if it can be? I'm very positive and solutions oriented guy so put on your "cup half full" glasses please: 1)Should I break up w her and move out? 2)Should I do the opposite and act like I don't want to have a threesome w her anymore so she wants to? (Reverse psychology approach)? Like I don't care about a threesome anymore. 3) Should I move out but tell her I wanna still date non-exclusively cuz other chics wanna have a threesome with me and I can't stand it 4) Should I tell her no more f**cking websites and that if we gonna do this, it must be in person and both of us together? The online shit is such a time waster but she loves it. Side note: she has been w women alone before too and would even send me pics of her w another chic teasing me when we were dating non-exclusively. We also went to a strip club together and she was very relaxed. She is very jealous type too. She will also send mixed messages and ask me to play w her ass one night. Then when I try to initiate ass play, she says I'm obsessed w her ass and no! lmbo. So she has an control issue apparently.... Thanks for advice guys!!
CurtsNOKC 2016-11-15 09:42:37
( Addition to my earlier post ) I seem to get a lot of drama from chics about the whole threesome deal so would like to get some ideas on how to better orchestrate these in the future and if soft nexting should be part of this. In the beginning I am very upfront w chics and let them know this is a requirement of mine if exclusive. They know about my spicy history. I typically am not exclusive (except for right now I decided to try it). I made the mistake w current GF in being exclusive before we had a threesome. Not sure I can fix this or not. I had one Bi chic last year I was dating non-exclusively that teased me about it too. One night she told me she just slept w another chic and how hot it was. So, I told her I had a threesome that same night too and wished she could have been there lol. (I was joking just to see what she say). She flipped out. I had cheated on her but she didn't cheat on me!? Total unrealistic drama double standard bs. Anyways, what is a good approach for this? Do I soft next when I get drama about threesome stuff too or just blow it off like I don't give a shit? How can I make it so they know I like it or require it but they don't feel pressured as much? Or should I not care?
Blackdragon 2016-11-15 12:01:53
If living together – would putting on my beats headphones and minding my own biz for couple days work possibly?That's the silent treatment. Read item 16 in the article above.
So, my question is, how can I salvage this, if it can be?https://blackdragonblog.com/2016/09/15/theres-one-girl/
Chavel 2016-11-19 17:51:32
Bruh, you're harsh....I LIKE you....... What you call a soft next I call "A Day Without" and like you it can go a week or longer. But, big but, it don't work for me, as my rate of success is Zero with young ladies compared to yours. I believe it to be because I'd apply the soft next before I've even had sex with them so there's no connection, major commitment on their part to me. My "A Day Without" usually works/worked when I was an employee of a company. Any job I had I wasn't good at it, I was outstanding. Should the manager/supervisor at the time screw me over I'd do a Day Without to show them what they had, what they would be missing, and what they can look forward too without me there or and working at 100%. Generally in work circumstances I'd get an apology, get what I wanted, and was treated like gold afterwards, with everyone knowing not to fuck with me and if they did, the Manager would stomp on them. I have so much to learn from you to improve my game...So Much... Thank You, Chavel
CF 2016-11-24 00:48:29
WWYD (BD and anyone else)? tldnr: A female platonic friend called me a ''little shit'' for accidentally trying to schedule two different activities at the same time. Unfortunately, I want to attend the activities (cant soft next if I show up). And I also didnt realized I shouldve soft next'd at the time, but instead replied, ''What's wrong? You ok?'' My choices are...? a- attend the activities and potentially get more of this later b- execute soft next regardless of my wants c- let her know that I dont like people calling me names (tempted, but probably worse?) d- other options? I'm thinking it'll be like example #17, but she's not toxic or anything. Feels like she's doing a #8 on me...so much easier if it was an one-on-one situation. I think I'll just go with option (a) and just have to chalk this up to a learning experience. But WWYD? You want to catch up with old friends, and also really enjoy doing *insert your activity* with friends. But work doesnt give you many weekends off. And you also didnt execute soft next promptly enough. ~~~ Details.... Group A - trying to schedule dinner with 8 friends that I havent seen in a year. Group B - trying to get together to go to escape room with 8 friends. A platonic female friend and I are in both group of friends. Friends in Group A has pretty much decided on a Saturday night dinner. Just that the location and exact time is unknown. All discussions were done via Whatsapp. Friends in Group B were hanging out, including her (I was absent). Nothing was discussed in Whatsapp, but apparently it was also decided to be on the same Saturday night (but I had no idea as I wasnt there). To Group A, she asked if dinner can be moved to Sunday instead. I simply replied "Dinner both nights? Sure. Why not." (I still didnt know both activities are on Saturday night) Then she PMs me, calls me a little shit before letting me know escape room is also on Saturday. Unfortunately, instead of soft nexting, I replied asking what's wrong and if she's ok. Oddly enough, I've never known her to insult anyone for the 15 years I've known her. So that's probably why I replied like that. Not sure if I'm annoyed at her, at me, or both of us.
Blackdragon 2016-11-24 10:37:20
WWYD (BD and anyone else)?https://blackdragonblog.com/2016/09/15/theres-one-girl/
CF 2016-11-24 12:17:56
It's considered oneitis? I thought that's only if I'm interested in getting with her. It's also a female friend inside a social circle of friends not someone from online. Or is because I'm trying to be outcome dependent?
N1 2017-01-16 06:26:49
BD, what do you think of this advice for women? http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/how-to-stop-your-exs-no-contact-rule/
Blackdragon 2017-01-17 12:16:48
Her only advice is to dump the guy and move on. I agree with that advice; if a woman is unhappy with you she should dump you and find someone else. The problem is everything else that woman wrote. I'll make a blog post about it.
Anon. 2017-01-18 06:12:17
"You decided to end a relationship" are the first six words of the article. The remaining 1101 (nice number) explain how the subsequent no contact "ploy" of the as-of-now-ex is "emotional abuse". I wonder if this mindset is actually prevalent among women.
Joe K 2017-01-18 13:15:25
That chick is batshit crazy. I have actually been peripherally acquainted with her at one time in the past. I am not aware of anyone with a public forum writing a specific blog post to criticize her. Be prepared for her to go after you hardcore, on a personal vendetta, if you write that. Good luck.
CF 2017-01-18 18:16:46
You said drama is negative and directed at you. So complaining about work, boss, bf, traffic, etc to you isn't drama in your terms. But what if she realizes that and just use you as a complaint orbiter every week? How would you deal with that? Thanks!
Blackdragon 2017-01-18 18:21:02
But what if she realizes that and just use you as a complaint orbiter every week? How would you deal with that?If she's having sex with me I'm not an orbiter.
CF 2017-01-18 18:37:16
Oh. So the sex balances out all the weekly complaining? That could make sense. And depending on my tolerance it would be only FB or mid MLTR at best? ~~~ Oh god. That no contact article... I'm baffled at her logic. I can see her point, but she's using the wrong context to justify what she's saying. Needs a disclaimer for potentially killing brain cells.
Blackdragon 2017-01-18 21:16:02
Oh. So the sex balances out all the weekly complaining?No. The weekly complaining doesn't bother me if it's not about me. She can complain about other men all she wants; doesn't concern me at all. It's also true that I don't do friend zone. I never hang out with an attractive woman I'm not having sex with, so it doesn't matter if she's complaining or not.
And depending on my tolerance it would be only FB or mid MLTR at best?Drama, by my definition, isn't when a woman I'm fucking is complaining about other men, so your drama tolerance isn't relevant. It sounds like you're saying a woman complaining about other men always bothers you, even if you're fucking her. If that's the case, just next or screen out women who do this. That's going to be more work though.
CF 2017-01-18 21:49:58
It sounds like you’re saying a woman complaining about other men always bothers you, even if you’re fucking her. If that’s the case, just next or screen out women who do this. That’s going to be more work though.Just complaining in general (not necessarily other men, can be anything) wears me down. I'm the problem solving type, so if she keeps rejecting my solutions because of her irrational beliefs, SP, chick-logic, etc, it just irks me. Yea, was wondering if there was another method without screening or nexting. Owell. Thanks BD!
JB 2017-01-18 23:47:47
@CF Of course, you're not going to become a womans emotional tampon. That's the job of her orbiters. Women think and behave irrationally, which is a part of life we all have to accept. When she complains, don't give her advice, just listen and tell her everything will be fine. If you start with the advice (which women don't really take), you'll become frustrated and she will start losing attraction for you (since you're behaving like a girlfriend of hers). Listen and reassure her it'll be fine. It's what she expects a man to do. As BD says, if she ever complains about you, a soft next should be employed. And of course, don't ever hang out with a woman you're not having sex with, it slowly wears you down, and if you're not fucking her by date 3 you'll likely never fuck her at all.
Anon. 2017-01-19 05:50:38
You said drama is negative and directed at you. So complaining about work, boss, bf, traffic, etc to you isn’t drama in your terms.When I found BD's blog, I disagreed with his definition of drama. Primarily because of the example of my mother yelling at my brothers all the time, which annoyed me every day until I was able to move out. But after I started applying his techniques, I found out his view is quite right, or at least it aligned well with my emotions. The bitchiest of my MLTRs, whose job did give her a lot to complain about, and who admitted she gave loads of drama to her past BFs but said she saw me as someone who wouldn't tolerate that so never attempted it (thanks BD), would let me know what she thought of intellectual capabilities of her customers and superiors, but it would never take long and she would stop herself saying something like "but you're not like that" with a smile, from which point it was easy to move the topic to something more pleasant (and she got much calmer having said her piece). She and others found my presence reassuring (they should thank BD because what they saw was mainly OI that I learned from his works).
But what if she realizes that and just use you as a complaint orbiter every week? How would you deal with that?The concept of amused mastery comes to mind. She should see you as a fatherly figure, coming to you for advice, rational approach and peace of mind, rather than to complain the way she would to her girl friends.
LibreMax 2017-06-13 17:23:04
Hello Blackdragon, Is it ok to explain a woman, or is it 'guy drama' in the sense of 'issuing rules' and should not be verbalized: A-the exact definition of drama. B-the 20 second rule. C-that I will soft next her whenever drama occurs. For C and maybe B, what wording would you use? I know you don't reply to comments in old posts anymore but since you wrote about this one "Over time, I will add new questions (and their answers) to this post as I receive new ones, making it a living, growing document", perhaps it still makes sense to ask here.
Blackdragon 2017-06-13 22:21:00
Yes, this is a living document and I will add answers to questions as long as the questions are new and not just re-worded versions questions that are already in the list. I've added a new question number 38 to the article above.
LibreMax 2017-06-15 06:12:35
Thank you 🙂
RandomJack 2017-08-26 00:23:47
Looks like someone has written an article to counter the soft-next: https://thoughtcatalog.com/ashley-pariseau/2017/05/theres-a-new-dating-trend-called-soft-nexting-and-its-more-confusing-than-ghosting/ Thoughts ?
RandomJin 2017-09-09 09:01:26
Does soft nexting still work if the woman knows about the technique?
Blackdragon 2017-09-09 14:45:45
Thoughts ?That's Ash; she posts here sometimes. I have no strong opinion on it one way or the other. There is no "defense" against soft nexting other than just dumping the guy.
Does soft nexting still work if the woman knows about the technique?Yep. I've soft nexted many women who knew exactly what it was and it always worked. It doesn't matter. By the way, that's true of most seduction / dating /relationship techniques; even if the woman knows exactly what they are and what you're doing, they generally still work. It's biology, and you can't out-logic biology.
RandomJin 2017-09-09 15:07:59
Very interesting. Thanks for updating the post! One more question about that article. She states that soft nexting is passive-aggressive behaviour. Do you agree with that?
Blackdragon 2017-09-09 15:37:42
She states that soft nexting is passive-aggressive behaviour. Do you agree with that?It certainly can be for some men. If the man does a soft next because he's upset an any way, it can indeed be passive-aggressive. If he's doing it dispassionately or reluctantly, because he knows it's what's best for the long-term relationship, it's not passive-aggressive (regardless of what the woman feels about it).
RandomJin 2017-09-09 15:38:57
Two more questions about soft nexting: 1. If the woman is at your place and refuses to leave/doesn't want you to drive her home (maybe by begging, apologizing etc) after she gave you drama, what do you do? Is that worthy of a hard next? EDIT: Just found the answer from you in an old forum thread. Longer soft next OR hard next in that case. 2. Regarding item 36, if she has been radio silent during the soft next and you are the one contacting her again after the next, are you in a weaker position (in terms of power dynamic in the relationship)?
Blackdragon 2017-09-09 15:57:13
If the woman is at your place and refuses to leave/doesn’t want you to drive her home (maybe by begging, apologizing etc) after she gave you drama, what do you do? Is that worthy of a hard next?Added #40 in article above.
Regarding item 36, if she has been radio silent during the soft next and you are the one contacting her again after the next, are you in a weaker position (in terms of power dynamic in the relationship)?Read #4.
Curtis 2017-09-10 12:14:02
I told my lady last night that I needed some alone time today and to work w/ no distractions. I wake up and instantly noticed she was upset about something lol. I asked her, she told me what it was. I then said, "Ok. Will I don't have time to discuss it today but maybe we can in a couple of days OK." Then I proceeded to grab my stuff and head out. She INSTANTLY changed her facial expression, jumped off the bed, gave me a kiss and hug and was like a totally different person lol. She knows about Blackdragon and how I need my space and brain breaks (women talk a lot and wear me out sometimes and I let her know this too 🙂 and it bothers her but it helps me keep my independent frame and they like it in a weird way.
Blackdragon 2017-09-10 13:07:22
I proceeded to grab my stuff and head out. She INSTANTLY changed her facial expression, jumped off the bed, gave me a kiss and hug and was like a totally different person lol.The removal of attention is the single, most powerful relationship technique men have, by far.
Curtis 2017-09-10 17:12:20
<blockquote><p>The removal of attention is the single, most powerful relationship technique men have, by far.<p></blockquote> This is why I have decided to keep my place even if we move in together OR even get married. It is like an Insurance Policy against female control and plus it drives them crazy that I would do such a "absurd thing", which in turn drives up their attraction of me lol. Just by a man having HIS OWN place (even travel trailer) separate from her can help with so many issues its crazy. She tells you to move out? OK. Done. Easy. She talks too much? Leave She gives Drama? Leave My place is about 20 mins from her place so now she is trying to get me to move closer to her (lol). The more I thought about this I decided that it is GOOD to keep my place where it is. Sure, it is more inconvenient for both of us but that was the issue - it would be TOO convenient for both of us, especially her. It could also send a sub-conscience signal to her that I was too Clingy or that I moved because she wanted me to or that I am not my own man etc... We guys need to keep this "space" or mystery in my opinion or they lose interest. Actually, my next HUGE surprise for her is that next week, I'm gonna show up at her house with a new tattoo that SHE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT! Yes, she will freak out and feel hurt because I didn't do it with her of course. I will just tell her that we need to do some things without the other occasionally and man up. I am not just doing this to be mean or silly but more so as a sign to her that I am my own man and so if we do ever get married, she will be prepared for me to do things like this. Besides, I really do not like to do EVERYTHING together. It drives me insane actually. We already go to the same gym. Work from home office. It's ridiculous! It is simply a MUST for us guys to keep a separate place to live or work and do some shit on our own without them knowing or approving of what you are doing. They will SAY it bugs them but deep down inside it makes her wet...
RandomJin 2017-09-11 13:28:01
Did you soft next incorrectly if she really didn't understand, why you soft nexted her or does it not matter? I soft nexted an MLTR on friday and she just sent me a text saying something like this (I'm translating): "Could you possibly tell me what your problem is? If I upset you in any way, I'd like to know." Of course it could be bullshit. But I'm not sure. She's an intelligent girl. The soft next happened through text, if it matters. Maybe it's harder to understand for a woman when you soft next through text? The soft next will last until tomorrow at least.
RandomJin 2017-09-11 13:33:24
Also in my case, if her last text was a question, would you answer the question and then change the subject or ignore it alltogether and just ask about her day or something?
Blackdragon 2017-09-11 13:34:13
As I've said in the article several times, women aren't stupid. She knows exactly why you're soft nexting her. Don't fall for it.
Blackdragon 2017-09-11 13:39:14
Also in my case, if her last text was a question, would you answer the question and then change the subject or ignore it alltogether and just ask about her day or something?You know the answer to that. And this: https://blackdragonblog.com/2016/09/15/theres-one-girl/
RandomJin 2017-09-12 11:41:57
Does it matter if the next meet after the soft next is at your or her place?
Blackdragon 2017-09-12 12:17:30
Does it matter if the next meet after the soft next is at your or her place?No. You're getting oneitis now. That's the last question I'm answering about this from you.
Elle 2017-11-28 07:17:50
Ok so if sex is the number one motivator for men and attention is the number one motivator for women, why is it ok to remove attention from a woman when you're not please with her behavior yet it is considered manipulative to take sex off the table for a man when he is throwing drama at her?
Anon 2017-11-28 07:43:43
why is it ok to remove attention from a woman... yet it is considered manipulative to take sex off the tableBoth are manipulative (as in projecting an influence on the other person) and both are OK (because no-one is owed sex nor attention).
Blackdragon 2017-11-28 09:43:20
What Anon said.
Elle 2017-11-28 09:49:57
Ok, as long as we agree that "soft nexting" is manipulative
Elle 2017-11-28 09:55:36
Blackdragon, you stated that withholding sex for a non medical reason is drama... but if a woman "soft nexts" a man by withholding sex (bc that is what he seeks the most) because he was throwing drama at her, this can no longer be considered girl drama because soft nexting is all about eliminating drama
Blackdragon 2017-11-28 10:46:51
Ok, as long as we agree that “soft nexting” is manipulativeYes, just like you're being manipulative when you wear makeup or a push-up bra on a first date, or threaten to give or withhold sex to/from your boyfriend/husband when you want him to do something or are mad at him. We're all manipulating each other. Fair is fair. To think that men manipulate women but women don't manipulate men is just silly.
Blackdragon, you stated that withholding sex for a non medical reason is dramaNo, I didn't say it's drama because it isn't, but it is worthy of a soft next.
but if a woman “soft nexts” a man by withholding sexWithholding sex is not a soft next. Getting up and leaving is a soft next, and women really don't do that. They like attention too much.
(bc that is what he seeks the most) because he was throwing drama at her, this can no longer be considered girl drama because soft nexting is all about eliminating dramaYeah, you're all confused here. Withholding sex is not drama, and soft nexting is not drama. Withholding sex is bad, thus is worth of a soft next, but it's not drama.
Elle 2017-11-28 11:39:33
ha ok. You stand behind your "method". My personal opinion is that anyone who thinks they require a "relationship arsenal" is either with the wrong person or shouldn't be in any kind of relationship. My observation has been that the number one reason women get all "dramatic" is because of assholish and abusive treatment from their man. Have you ever considered her drama is a reaction? Most emotionally healthy people encounter drama and say, "hey, let's talk about this when you have had a chance to calm down and think about what you really want to say". instead of "soft nexting" which is just a phrase you made up so you don't have to call it the silent treatment which is emotional abuse.
Blackdragon 2017-11-28 12:16:10
My personal opinion is that anyone who thinks they require a “relationship arsenal” is either with the wrong person or shouldn’t be in any kind of relationship.That's because you're a girl reading a blog written for men using masculine language. You don't see me commenting over at girly blogs complaining about how they talk too much about feelings, kids, candles, and kitties and shit.
My observation has been that the number one reason women get all “dramatic” is because of assholish and abusive treatment from their man. Have you ever considered her drama is a reaction?You clearly haven't ready very much of my content outside of this one article. I tell men over and over again to treat women with respect, to never lie to them, never tell them what to do, never give them drama, and be cool and chill with women at all times. That's the Alpha Male 2.0 I talk about.
Most emotionally healthy people encounter drama and say, “hey, let’s talk about this when you have had a chance to calm down and think about what you really want to say”.I agree and I recommend that. I'm talking about what to do if you say that and she keeps screaming at you anyway, which angry women have a tendency to do.
instead of “soft nexting” which is just a phrase you made up so you don’t have to call it the silent treatment which is emotional abuse.Silent treatment is when you're in the same room/house as someone and you're ignoring them. It's stupid and childish and I've said many times I'm against that practice. Refusing to answer a woman's texts for a few days is not emotional abuse, and if for some reason a woman thinks it is (which it is not), she should immediately dump the man doing this and go find some other pussy who will take her emotional abuse by screaming at him whenever she wants.
Jack Outside the Box 2017-11-28 18:22:40
Political correctness detected. Initiating red pill countermeasures now:
Ok so if sex is the number one motivator for men and attention is the number one motivator for women, why is it ok to remove attention from a woman when you’re not please with her behavior yet it is considered manipulative to take sex off the table for a man when he is throwing drama at her?Who ever said it's not okay to withhold sex from a man if he's throwing drama at her? This blog precisely teaches to never give women drama, thus making her withholding sex unwarranted.
Ok, as long as we agree that “soft nexting” is manipulativeWhat's wrong with being manipulative? Everyone is manipulative every hour of everyday. This isn't a Disney fairytale in which dogs shit ice cream and children walk around with gumdrop smiles.
Blackdragon, you stated that withholding sex for a non medical reason is drama… but if a woman “soft nexts” a man by withholding sex (bc that is what he seeks the most) because he was throwing drama at her, this can no longer be considered girl drama because soft nexting is all about eliminating dramaRight, but soft nexting means leaving, not staying and withholding sex. Also, we're against giving women drama.
ha ok. You stand behind your “method”. My personal opinion is that anyone who thinks they require a “relationship arsenal” is either with the wrong person or shouldn’t be in any kind of relationship.Then you are living in a Disney fairytale and think you're Cinderella. No one is your personality clone. No one is going to give you everything you want just because "they love you." To be happy, you need to look out for your own interest, not rely on other people's sainthood. Yes, you do require a relationship arsenal, regardless of who you're with. Otherwise, you're liable to be walked all over. That's just human nature. Deal with it.
My observation has been that the number one reason women get all “dramatic” is because of assholish and abusive treatment from their man. Have you ever considered her drama is a reaction?The problem is that when a woman refers to "assholish" and "abusive" treatment, she is not staying faithful to the Webster's English Dictionary. A stupid gold digger will define "assholish" as refusing to pay for her college. A feminazi bitch will think that a man opening the door for her is "abusive" and "misogynistic." When a woman says the man is abusive, the man will usually say he isn't.
Most emotionally healthy people encounter drama and say, “hey, let’s talk about this when you have had a chance to calm down and think about what you really want to say”.That's exactly what a soft next is. You leave the person until they've calmed down. If they continue throwing drama at you and refuse to calm down, you walk away.
instead of “soft nexting” which is just a phrase you made up so you don’t have to call it the silent treatmentThe silent treatment is not a soft next. It's staying and not talking. A soft next means you don't stay.
which is emotional abuse.Haha! Remember when we talked about the dictionary? Thanks for proving my point. There is no such thing as "emotional abuse" when it comes to adults. That's a garbage PC term invented by feminists who want to repeal Free Speech. If you don't like what a man is saying or doing, LEAVE! If a woman were to ever accuse me of "emotional abuse," she would never see me again. Next she'd be accusing me of rape via "emotional pressure." Ha! Fuck that and fuck her! I only sleep with sane women!
S in SoCal 2017-12-28 19:16:04
What about soft nexting as a method of escaping the friend zone? Particularly if you think are on the verge of escaping it and need that extra little bit. I have heard mixed opinions on this. Thoughts?
Blackdragon 2017-12-28 19:40:09
What about soft nexting as a method of escaping the friend zone?Soft nexting does not apply to friend zone. The least-bad (but still very bad) method of escaping friend zone is to cut off all contact with her for at least a year or more, Alpha-up during that time, then return to her a new man, and sexually escalate on her as fast as you can (following my one or two date model), hard nexting her if she still balks. In my view, that's too much work for one woman, thus I would just move on. But no, soft nexting a friend zone won't do shit.
Ray 2018-01-01 19:03:46
If she blocks you after a week long soft next, did she hard next herself? She was blowing up my phone, sent nudes and all that. Soft next ended , Called her, and to my surprise im blocked. She's a fwb of 1 month, or was.
Blackdragon 2018-01-02 09:24:38
If she blocks you after a week long soft next, did she hard next herself? She was blowing up my phone, sent nudes and all that. Soft next ended , Called her, and to my surprise im blocked. She’s a fwb of 1 month, or was.https://blackdragonblog.com/2016/09/15/theres-one-girl/
Diogo 2018-04-26 04:03:19
Does soft nexting work on my children, or will that fuck them up emotionally? Is this the exception where I should use more direct Alpha 1 techniques?
Blackdragon 2018-04-26 10:30:46
Does soft nexting work on my childrenNo. You can't soft next your children. Instead, you give them time outs, exactly how I describe in chapter 24 of my book.
Fibonacci 2018-05-27 15:10:44
Trying to learn the soft next. Open relationship book is great, but I would be thankful for some specific help. Maybe this is behaviour even calls for a hard next. Woman (planned) low-end mltr i have been seeing two months, accidentaly saw me out in the club with my 3-months (planned) high-end mltr. I only focused on main mltr, kind of ignored low end. Hoped she'd understand as i was very upfront about me meeting lots of other girls from the beginning. Didnt want them to meet (bad relationship management i guess, but it was a tough spot) She got very jealous as I left the club with HE-MLTR. Ran after us, hysterical and said "ITS OVER BETWEEN US, HOW CAN YOU BEHAVE LIKE THIS". I just said: "Im sorry", and kept on walking. Initiated soft next. Very bad behaviour from her part. Worked like a charm and after 24h of no contact, she messaged me, i called her and she was really nice and sweet and apologized, thought that i had been very mad and she knew her mistake. But she wanted to meet someday and "talk". Didnt talk to her much next couple days, except from a few short snapchats she sent me. Went to the same club again yesterday, this girl was there again. ( so small town). This time she was very weird. I was happy as usual and smiled and said Hi! She gave me a cold hug and ran away. I remained unreactive and danced around the club with new girls, and friends, had a blast. And now she appears and makes an ACTIVE attempt to make me jealous, She follows me round and dances near me. having some beta around her neck that she makes out with, and "accidentaly" bumps into me to get my attention. Maybe she wants me to feel what she felt when I danced with my main MLTR. But I mean, this is crazy behaviour. Havent talked to her for 24 hours now. No contact from her either. How long should this next be? 2 repeated drama-incidents in a very short time. Or do i need to talk to her about this? I feel i wanna tell her "WTF ARE YOU DOING?" but im trying to learn your ways for a more drama-free relationship (if i decide to keep her)
Blackdragon 2018-05-27 22:36:40
Kurt 2019-05-24 08:38:53
@Christia there is plenty of pussy too... Btw, how does one soft next you out of your life? Bad boys are boss – don’t forget it ;))
Blackdragon 2019-05-24 09:06:29
Kurt - If you post under multiple IDs in the same thread one more time you will be permanently banned. This is the second time you've done it. Last warning.
Kurt 2019-05-24 09:17:55
"Kurt – If you post under multiple IDs in the same thread one more time you will be permanently banned. This is the second time you’ve done it. Last warning." Oh shit BD that was 3 years ago and didn't even think about it. You got it!
Christina 2019-05-24 12:58:52
@Kurt "there is plenty of pussy too… Btw, how does one soft next you out of your life? Bad boys are boss – don’t forget it ;))" Meaning that if you're gonna play games and 'soft next' me... don't contact me again because you'll be ignored. I don't play games.. ever. I'm not like most females. And Sir, you can be the boss in bed but that's all. I don't fuck with bad boys, players and such, only real men that know how to treat a woman. That's how it should be. If any man is doing anything this Alpha Man 2 is saying.. you will never get a real, confident, stable woman for keeps. But maybe all you really wanted was a thirsty ho to begin with. Peace out and good luck hunting lol.
Syldaen 2019-06-24 19:26:17
If you walk out and she bombards you with messages a few minutes later and then blocks you on the texting app , should the soft next start after she unblocks which she obviously will or should you ignore her bloquing you after the time you decided on the soft next goes by and call her and setup a date ?
Paolo 2019-06-29 11:41:44
What if during the soft next you realise that you behaved badly?
Blackdragon 2019-06-29 13:12:15
What if during the soft next you realise that you behaved badly?You actually soft nexted a woman for something you did wrong? And you didn't realize it until days later? Uh...
Paolo 2019-06-30 08:03:07
You actually soft nexted a woman for something you did wrong?No, I imagine it's always both of us behaving badly. She's not been doing what she said she'd do, she's nagging, she goes silent or gets angry with me. So I soft next her. But it was I who had agreed on a long-distance realtionship, who had made a sarcastic remark or a misplaced joke, who had been giving orders, who waited 21 seconds or 5 minutes before nexting, or betrayed emotion. It's easy to say "You were an idiot." That's clear. However, it would still be useful to have a protocol for taking responsibility for, and recovering from, mistakes, whether slight or egregious. In this case, mistakes relating to the soft next. Everyone with an interesting life is, after all, constantly trying new things and making mistakes.
donnymufc 2019-11-06 11:22:05
I recently had to soft next my girl but I was partly in the wrong for causing the drama but her severe reaction to my alpha 1.0 lecture meant I had to next her regardless. I was a little drunk and I got annoyed with her because she had been telling me that someone had been ringing her on private number and threatening to beat her up, she's fallen out recently with her family and thought it might be something to do with her brother who I actually get on with really well, what annoyed me though was she phoned her ex and told him and he said he'd be there for her and would beat her brother up etc. This got me angry for 2 reasons, one because she phoned her ex who she supposedly hates and was cool with him helping her and 2 that she's so determined to get her brother hurt. So I got into an argument with her about why she shouldn't be contacting her ex and she then turned round and said she'd just take an overdose and kill herself. I said i won't tolerate drama and walked out of the pub and left her there. She bombarded me with txts and calls which I all ignored. A couple of hours later she bumped into me in town outside a pub when I was with my mates and she started going crazy and trying to attack me calling me a cunt and saying if she had a knife she'd stab me and loads of other crazy shit. I kept calm and walked away. Later on that night I bumped into her again as I was going home in a taxi and she was with her ex and a few other guys and was putting up her middle finger to me saying "fuck you" total disrespect, I didn't react I just carried on because she was trying to get a reaction out of me. It's nearly 5 days into the next and she's tried ringing and texting a few times but not constantly, I'm nexting her for at least a week but I'm starting to wonder if it's worthy of a hard next. I've got a first date this weekend which helps take my mind off her, I'm just wondering what she'd be like after the next has finished, this is the longest and most severe reason for a next I've ever had to do so I don't know what to expect.
Blackdragon 2019-11-06 19:53:22
I’m a Millenial at age 31 — and yeah I know our generation has probably been dumped on the most in terms of insults. I agree that in aggregate, it probably is the softest generation to date – but what do you expect in the age of convenience, technology, comfort, and video games?I expect an entire generation of left-wing socialists like you.
You can grow up in any culture and transcend it.Exactly my entire point. Hopefully the male Millennials in my audience will not be the typical socialist pot smoking video game porn addicts bitching about rich people and hoping Bernie Sanders will give them a bunch of free stuff while they sit on their asses and watch YouTube videos. At least that is my hope. We'll see. And yes, my generation (Gen X) was absolutely dreadful and the Baby Boomers were even worse. Irrelevant to the facts regarding the Millennials.
Bret Halford 2019-12-03 03:15:44
I'm having a similar situation with my girlfriend where she unloaded everything on me on a vacation and then wanted to break up with me. I failed the soft next and now I'm pretty much in beta/alpha 1.0 territory. I realise that while this break up is obviously a fake out designed to make me relinquish more control, I have already lost the will to work for one girl. I'm glad i found this blog, it's got real good info in it, thanks BlackDragon. One thing i learned is that you shouldn't fight for the love of someone who is so ready to throw away your love for something petty, bluff or not. Also, i have an addendum to this quote:
"7. Do the girls ever call you out for the soft nexting and if so how do you respond? You don’t respond to anything a woman says during a soft next, regardless of what she says. During the no-contact period, she can “call you out” on whatever she likes; you’re not responding. After the next, as I said above, they rarely bring it up. I’ve had one or two women refer to “that thing you do where you don’t talk to me for a week,” in casual conversation, but that’s about it."I've had my girlfriend call me out on this, trying to shame me away from using a soft next: Why are you punishing me by taking away your time? I did not handle that question/test at all, but thinking back maybe responding with "It's only a punishment if you somehow own my time, which you don't." It's obvious entitlement at play here and the only person at fault is me, letting it get to that point. I think a clean start is what i need, once again thanks for the good content.
Bret Halford 2019-12-03 03:28:14
I'm having a similar situation with my girlfriend where she unloaded everything on me on a vacation in front of her close friends and then wanted to break up with me for arbitrary reasons. I failed the soft next and now I'm pretty much in beta/alpha 1.0 territory. I realise that while this break up is obviously a fake out designed to make me relinquish more control, I have already lost the will to work for this one girl. Im 24 and the girl is 21 and honestly her emotional maturity is nowhere to be found. I'm glad i found this blog, it's got real good info in it, thanks BlackDragon. One thing i learned is that you shouldn't fight for the love of someone who is so ready to throw away your love for something so petty, bluff or not. TheRedPill really shows you that walking away is your real superpower that was locked away because of societal programming. Talking it out never lead somewhere except Emotion City. But yeah, it takes two to tango, so i realise my mistakes in this case. Also, i have an addendum to this quote: 7. Do the girls ever call you out for the soft nexting and if so how do you respond? You don’t respond to anything a woman says during a soft next, regardless of what she says. During the no-contact period, she can “call you out” on whatever she likes; you’re not responding. After the next, as I said above, they rarely bring it up. I’ve had one or two women refer to “that thing you do where you don’t talk to me for a week,” in casual conversation, but that’s about it." I've had my girlfriend call me out on this after i deployed the next successfully for the first time (failing it once afterwards), trying to shame me away from using a soft next: Why are you punishing me by taking away your time? So now every time we have a problem, you'll just run away? We're supposed to be in this together, both in good or bad times blablabla. I did not handle that question/test at all, but thinking back maybe responding with "It's only a punishment if you somehow own my time, which you don't." It's obvious entitlement at play here and the only person at fault is me, letting it get to that point. I think a clean start is what i need, once again thanks for the good content. P.S I couldn't edit the original comment so i double posted, if you could delete the old one that'd be great. I only added like 2-3 sentences for clarity.