Get Free Email Updates!
Join us for FREE to get instant email updates!
How To Deal With Problematic Family Members
“One does not kill family.” “Come ‘round MY house for the holidays, pal.” ~Two villains from The Expendables You might think the subject of how to deal with problematic family members would be a little off topic for this blog. And you’d be right. However, a hell of a lot of you are experiencing this problem and often ask about it, and not just to me but on blogs and forums everywhere. Also, as Europe and the US continue their slow collapse, more and more families are being torn apart by angry differences regarding politics than ever before. Things like Brexit, police shootings, and Donald Trump are turning family members against each other in ways I’ve never seen in 30 years of observing politics.
-By Caleb Jones
No One Has The Right to Make You Unhappy
We must start with this core concept because it's foundational to everything I’m about to say, and much of what I’ve already said regarding women. No one, and I mean no one, has the right to make you unhappy. Not your mom, not your dad, not your brother or sister, not your girlfriend, not your wife, not your best friend. No one has that right!
Societal Programming tells you the exact opposite. SP bores into your head that just because she’s your mom, she somehow has the “right” to treat you like garbage and make you feel like shit. No, you brainwashed dumbass, she does not. If you’re under the age of 18 there’s not much you can do about it, but if you’re 18 and older, you’re a fucking adult. She doesn’t have the right to do that, at least not anymore.
So step one is to wash out the SP that tells you your family (or partner) somehow has the “right” to make you feel bad.
Be aware that this “my parents have the right to make me unhappy because they’re my parents” (or siblings, or uncle, or grandparents, or whatever) intensifies with certain races and cultures. If you’re white, it’s standard. If you’re black, multiply it x3. If you’re Asian, Indian, or Hispanic, multiply it x10. It’s all bullshit regardless of what race you are or what culture you come from. Keep telling yourself that no one has the right to make you unhappy, and you are perfectly within your rights to tell that person, even if it’s your mom or brother, to fuck off and not spend time with them.
No one on this Earth has the right to make me unhappy, even if I love them. No one! The one possible exception to this rule is if you have children under the age of 18. One could argue that since you brought them into this world, they have the right to cause you problems and inconveniences as you raise them into adulthood. I more or less agree, but even then there’s a limit to this. If I had a 15 year-old son or daughter who was a constant, never-ending source of problems of monstrous proportions despite my best efforts, then trust me, I would have no problem kicking that little shit out of my house. I wouldn’t be happy about it, but I would do it.
Also, once your kids turn 18, that right to make you unhappy vanishes instantly. They’re adults now and they need to deal with their own shit. Both of my kids are now 18 or over, and they’re both quite aware that if they flip me any shit, I won’t be spending time with them, despite the fact that I love them unconditionally. Just because I love someone doesn’t mean that person has the right to make me unhappy. So even with kids there’s a limit to this stuff.
Mild or Moderate Family Problems
Let’s start with the typical family scenario of the guy/gal who acts like an asshole/bitch whenever you see them at family reunions every year. Most families have at least one of those assholes/bitches. It’s part of the family experience.
I’m talking about the socially uncalibrated Alpha Male 1.0 brother who loudly insults people and then pretends he didn’t mean it when people call him out on it, or the arrogant, bitchy, stressed-out sister who constantly snips at everyone and thinks she’s better than everyone else, or the old racist uncle who happily tosses around racial slurs and talks about squeezing women’s nipples in front of the kids, or the mom who constantly, constantly criticizes every little thing about every little thing you do. You know who I’m talking about. Unless you have a very small family, you’ve probably got at least one of these assholes/bitches you need to encounter every Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever. How do you deal with them?
The answer is, you don’t. These people are great for Outcome Independence practice. Just stop giving a shit. Way too many of you take these people way, way too seriously. These people are sad, unhappy morons who usually live consistently unhappy, uninspired lives or close to it. Don’t get angry at them. Feel sorry for them. I do. When they say something irritating or insulting, just smile and laugh at them. It feels great. If they give you a confused look, that’s even better. Enjoy confusing the hell out of these idiots.
If you really want some entertainment, fake-argue with them. Tell your old, right-wing uncle that you just got engaged to a black girl and are converting to Islam, and watch him go through the fuckin’ roof. Hilarious! Or tell your angry, Dominant, over-33 sister that you’ve got five women on rotation (be sure to call them “your bitches”) and that you just came inside a 18 year-old last week, then laugh your ass off as she has a volcanic meltdown right there in the kitchen while her beta male husband runs away in horror. Good wholesome fun for the whole family. Hey, they asked for it.
Serious Family Problems That covers minor or moderate problems, but what about serious ones? By serious, I mean a scenario where you’re dealing with someone who is actually quite abusive, and you see this person much more often than two or three times a year. If you actually live with this person, I’ll be discussing that in a minute. For now, I’ll talk about family members you don’t live with.
If you have a family member you don’t live with who is a serious, recurring problem, you need to soft next them. Yes, even if it’s your mom, dad, or sibling. WAIT! Wait a minute! Before your emotions and Societal Programming go crazy with a bunch of objections and excuses, take a deep breath, calm down, think rationally, and hear me out first. Remember that a soft next is not a permanent removal. It’s a temporary removal, and later you gently bring that person back into your life. I’m not suggesting you never speak to your mom or your brother ever again. I’m saying you need to take a temporary break from these people. Which you do.
Also remember that you cannot change others, particularly people like your family members who are grown adults you have no leverage over. If your brother or your dad is a total asshole, I’m sorry to tell you this, but he’s going to be that asshole FOREVER, regardless of what you do or say to him. Trying to change him and make him understand reason will simply result in a bunch of conflict and wasted time for all parties involved. I 100% guarantee this.
Going all Alpha 1.0 and trying to threaten, explain, reason with, or lecture your problematic family member is not going to work. That will simply escalate the conflict and create more drama. The only thing that might work is the removal of all attention from that person for quite a while, and that means a soft next.
So as of right now, stop talking to that family member, stop spending time with that family member, and stop communicating with that family member in any way. Do this for at least six months, though 1-2 years may be required if you don’t see that person often. After the nexting period is over, start spending time with that person again, just like nothing happened. Don’t talk about why you did it. Unless they’re clinically retarded, they know. If they ask, just say, “You already know. I’m not going to talk about it. Let’s just move on.” Then change the subject.
If they are still problematic, just say, “Well, I tried,” then soft next them again for another 6 months to two years. Rinse and repeat as needed. Remember, you can’t change them, and no one has the right to make you unhappy. Now I’ll refute the bullshit excuses you’re coming up with as to why you think you can’t do this:
1. What if he/she shows up at family events? You’re saying I can’t go? Fuck that! I want to see the rest of my family!
This is a logistical challenge, nothing more. Again, calm down, turn on your brain, and THINK through the problem instead of giving me a knee-jerk excuse.
If the person is going to go to a family event, correct, don’t go. Instead, meet with your other family members the day before or day after the actual event, particularly those visiting from out of town. If you might miss any of them by doing this, have a coffee with one, two, three, or more of them separately at a nearby coffee shop or restaurant. Plan it out in advance. Make arrangements. Use your calendar. It can be done. Is this going to be a hassle sometimes? Sure. Doesn’t matter. It’s what’s required if you want to solve your problem. If you show up to the family event while that person is there, the silent treatment isn’t likely to work, the abuse will continue, and you’ve solved nothing.
2. What if I have to see that person semi-regularly because of mutual friends?
Same as above.
3. What if I have to see that person semi-regularly because of my work?
Set a goal to get a new job/business as soon as feasible, even if it takes a year or two. As I talk about in my book, relying long-term on income that depends on the consistent cooperation from your family members is a recipe for constant, never ending drama and dependence. A truly independent man earns his money from sources that have nothing whatsoever to do with any of his relatives. And yes, that includes your dad.
As always, I walk my talk. Around my late twenties my dad offered me to take over his small mental health counseling business. I turned him down. While it was tempting, I knew that for the rest of my life, even if I ended up making a lot of money, the whims and emotions of my dad, and in some ways my mom too, would be in control of my business career and financial life to some degree. I knew enough guys who went into the “family business” to know that I did not want to live like those guys. I love and respect my dad, but turning him down was one of the best decisions I ever made. He just sold his business to someone else and retired, I made my own success, and my dad and I couldn’t be closer today. It all worked out fine.
4. How long do I have to do this?
The more often you see that person, the shorter the nexting period. If you see him/her several times a week, a nexting period of perhaps four months is probably all you need. If you see him/her just three or four times a year, you’re looking at about two years.
Tell them the truth, but don’t go into detail and don’t have a big discussion about it. Just say something like, “I love mom, but she’s consistently abusive to me and no one has the right to treat me that way, my mother included. So I’m just taking a little break from her. It’s no big deal.” Then shrug and change the subject. To repeat: do not have a discussion about this. It will simply add to family drama-gossip and it’s none of their business anyway. Also, do not tell anyone how long you plan on doing this. Keep that to yourself. If they ask, just play dumb (“Oh, I don’t know, eventually.”) and change the subject.
6. Do I need to block/unfriend that person on social media?
Only if they’re harassing you with that social media. If they are, then yes, unfriend them and block them. You should have done that already anyway. (Do you seriously think I wouldn't unfriend/block someone the instant they started giving me drama over social media? Ha! I did this to my last girlfriend without a second thought. Throughout most of our relationship she wasn't a friend on my Facebook page, by my choice.)
If they aren’t giving you any social media drama (just real life drama), then leave them there, but don’t communicate with them in any way, and stay off of their page. Just like with women, use your page to show the world (including them) that you’re living a good life and that you’re going places. Make them jealous. As they say, success is the best revenge. I can tell you from personal experience that this is true.
7. What if I live with this person?
What do you think I’m going to say? Would you like to guess what my answer is? Go ahead and guess. Go ahead. I’ll give you a minute.
Got your guess? Good. KICK THAT PERSON OUT or MOVE OUT. “But BD I can’t move out right now because...”
Okay you dependent pussy, then immediately cancel ALL of your other goals and projects, set a goal to move out by a specific date, and get to work on it. Don’t stop working on it until you move the hell out of there. Living with an unreasonable asshole/bitch is a no-win scenario and no technique will help you. None. You must move out (or if you’re the primary breadwinner in the household, kick them out or make plans to kick them out by a certain date).
Again, I walk my talk. I moved the hell out of my parents’ house at age 18, and moved right into my own apartment with no roommates. It’s not that hard if you just put in a little effort. I tell the full story of how I did it right here. Way too many of you guys with horrible, abusive family members make too many excuses as to why you have no choice but to put up with them. BULLSHIT. Man up, stop making excuses, and fix your fucking life. No one has the right to make you unhappy.
Want over 35 hours of how-to podcasts on how to improve your woman life and financial life? Want to be able to coach with me twice a month? Want access to hours of technique-based video and audio? The SMIC Program is a monthly podcast and coaching program where you get access to massive amounts of exclusive, members-only Alpha 2.0 content as soon as you sign up, and you can cancel whenever you want. Click here for the details.
Get Free Email Updates!
Join us for FREE to get instant email updates!
Leo 2016-09-19 05:17:37
This subject is very important. I had some serious problems with my family, especially with my father. I could not leave the house because of my mother's health situation. Another reason was the money. I wish I knew how to make money online 5 years ago. If you are a young man who "has to" deal with some problems, GO OUT. LEAVE THE HOUSE. Find a way to make money, share a house with 5 guys, etc. Just leave that atmosphere.
Minister 2016-09-19 05:35:04
Well, speaking of problematic family members, I have soft-nexted my brother, who is the typical Alpha Male 1.0 that commands, argues, insults, lectures, criticizes and stuff. I had made him clear over phone, when he called me for the typical reasons, that I don't want him to annoy me and we haven't talked or seen each other in 9 months since, except for a quick text exchange. It wasn't easy at all, as I used to live in his house and I was semi-dependent. When I have to visit my family town, I always make sure he is not there. If he is, I put off my visit. I 'd have no problem hard next him forever, as even in these days I don't even want to see his face.
rgz 2016-09-19 09:24:35
What about family money issues? Common problems: -Too little income -Too much spending -Bad retirement plans -Young people that can't pay for educations
johnnybegood 2016-09-19 09:33:33
I would be careful with the interpretation of 'no one has the right to make you unhappy'.Yeah if they are doing something to do, seeking you out, or causing pain, sure. If you're a parent though, and your kid isn't doing what you want (career or lifestyle-wise) - they do have the right to make you 'unhappy' in that facet. Once someone is an adult (18, certainly by 25 though) ... they are free to live their life and make life choices at they see fit. Some parents really can't get over this -
Blackdragon 2016-09-19 10:28:09
What about family money issues? Common problems: -Too little income -Too much spending -Bad retirement plans -Young people that can’t pay for educationsThese are not drama problems, and are thus beyond the scope of this post. My general answer is that the financial problems of your family members are not your problem.
I would be careful with the interpretation of ‘no one has the right to make you unhappy’.Yeah if they are doing something to do, seeking you out, or causing pain, sure. If you’re a parent though, and your kid isn’t doing what you want (career or lifestyle-wise) – they do have the right to make you ‘unhappy’ in that facet.I agree but that doesn't change what I said. Your adult children don't have the right to make you unhappy, period. If you're upset because you're adult child picked a career you don't like, you are the problem. You're being too Alpha 1.0 or outcome dependent, and you need to calm the hell down and focus on your own life. In other words, its not the kids making you unhappy, it's you making you unhappy. Fix you.
Joelsuf 2016-09-19 14:26:13
If you’re black, multiply it x3. If you’re Asian, Indian, or Hispanic, multiply it x10.I'd like to add: If you are Jewish or Muslim (there are eerie similarities in the two religions), multiply it by x20. I'm starting to understand that my mother, a legit independent (or as close to independent as a chick can get), ran out on my psychotic alpha 1.0 dad. She was a very free spirit (much like you are) and he disliked that greatly. I'll never forget his threats to disown me during high school and then him begging for me to stick around when he had cancer during my college years. He kept saying a phrase over and over again, which at the time I just thought was annoying, but looking back now it exposes just how abusive he was: "I am the king! And you get to choose to be the prince or the peasant. Choose wisely!" And then when he had cancer, he would employ the guilt bullshit: "If you leave me, then you are a murderer." I didn't know at the time how abusive that relationship was. Now I do. Maybe I just enjoyed pain back then. I did do...questionable things in my high school years (use your imagination, I don't want to get in trouble or anything). I should have left his narcissistic, God fearing ass a long time ago. I considered running away several times before 18, is that an option you would consider to anyone under 18 to get away from an abusive family relationship, BD? What should someone do if they are in an abusive relationship but dependent on the abuser (which happens to just as many dudes as chicks)?
Eric 2016-09-19 14:39:31
I'm just kidding here, but why you afraid of your family, Blackdragon? Why so many rules? More importantly, if you are so outcome independent, why are you afraid of any criticism? Guess we won't ever know since you are afraid of any kind of debate involving things that upset you.
Eric 2016-09-19 15:01:15
You have your critics Blackdragon and most recently, starting at chapter 2 and 3 of Mark Manson's new book, he pretty much refutes many of your ideas of happiness and sustainability. Now they weren't directed at you, per se more the bigger guys in the PUA world and NLP practices. My own experience is avoidance dredges up a lot of psychic damage, that makes you drink and eat too much. Check out Disappointment Panda, he's awesome!
Bs 2016-09-19 15:01:48
Eric your'e wrong. It is not a matter of Fear rather a Hapiness issue. Outcome Independant means that you aren't afraid of criticism and you don't have to be a part of that person because it will not help you in the long term and often in the short term. there are a bunch of other relatives who can attribute to your happiness otherwise. BD the last person who hate DEBATE but the first who hates DRAMA. Dont get confused. read more articles and you will gain this IQ for differentiate the terms. use Glossary. BD how do you handle people in your social circle who try to amog you? (u did mentioned that u have some women from social circle) well this question actually can be from a dude in high school that ask you how to deal with assholes when you cannot have the abundance/outcome independence, like in school, entry-level work, colleage etc...
Gil Galad 2016-09-19 15:02:56
I’d like to add: If you are Jewish or Muslim (there are eerie similarities in the two religions), multiply it by x20I agree LOL, I used to be the latter, and was specifically told several times that a son should endure his mother/father "even when they're wrong". I still haven't entirely snapped out of it - that is, I'm still hesitating about "doing whatever the fuck I want as soon as I reach full financial independence". The thing is, I think many people grossly underestimate how painful it is for a parent (especially a religious parent) to see his child grow to be something entirely different from the person he wanted to raise when he chose to have a kid in the first place. Having a kid is a fundamentally selfish act: you want a cute baby and then you want that baby to become a clone of you, and you're programmed to be extremely hurt if that fails (BD has more OI about how his children turn out, but he's an outlier). Of course that doesn't mean you owe your parents to be as they wish, but it makes things harder.
Eric 2016-09-19 15:40:14
@ Bs you just proved my entire point. Happiness is the problem. It comes down to what are you willing to struggle for. BD uses avoidance to deal with his issues. Over on BD's personal blog, he's admitting to addiction problems. There's a correlation. One might say that the chickens come home to roost after awhile. Have you read Mark's book or BD's, do you take in the full context of all personas? You're wrong.
Blackdragon 2016-09-19 15:41:13
I considered running away several times before 18, is that an option you would consider to anyone under 18 to get away from an abusive family relationship, BD?I am not qualified to render such advice.
What should someone do if they are in an abusive relationship but dependent on the abuser (which happens to just as many dudes as chicks)?Get counseling ASAP. As always, never make excuses for your problems. Fix them.
I’m just kidding here, but why you afraid of your family, Blackdragon? Why so many rules? More importantly, if you are so outcome independent, why are you afraid of any criticism? Guess we won’t ever know since you are afraid of any kind of debate involving things that upset you.I'm not sure if you're being serious or not. Your questions are so obviously nonsensical I'm going to assume they're not serious.
You have your critics BlackdragonYes, many. I wish I had more. They make me money.
chapter 2 and 3 of Mark Manson’s new book, he pretty much refutes many of your ideas of happiness and sustainability. Now they weren’t directed at you, per se more the bigger guys in the PUA world and NLP practicesI haven't read his new book yet, but I very much doubt that. I agree with just about everything Mark says and I find it extremely unlikely he would completely disagree with me on such a core concept. Hell, his entire book is about outcome independence ("Not Giving A Fuck," in his words). Mark rocks!
BD the last person who hate DEBATE but the first who hates DRAMA. Dont get confused. read more articles and you will gain this IQ for differentiate the terms.I think he understands that and is just joking around. He can't be dumb enough to actually believe those questions.
BD how do you handle people in your social circle who try to amog you?I do exactly what I said in the above article. If they're just fucking around, I enjoy it and don't let it bother me. If it's actual drama, as I define it here, I next them if it's a pattern of behavior.
well this question actually can be from a dude in high school that ask you how to deal with assholes when you cannot have the abundance/outcome independence, like in school, entry-level work, colleage etc…High school sucks and there's nothing you can do about it. You're in an environment with zero freedom so there's not much you can do to solve these kinds of problems. Just take it like a man until you leave after senior year. Life gets much, much better when you're done with high school, believe me.
Eric 2016-09-19 16:05:32
Yes, many. I wish I had more. They make me money.I don't think you want honest critics. You're an INTJ which means you just ice out anyone who disagrees with you. And you secretly want world domination and to have rose petals thrown at your feet for your genius. I've done extensive study on types, how they relate, etc. Personalityhacker.com says the reason many people mistype is because of cognitive dissonance. There's drug addicts, alcoholics, etc, all using external validation. I love Mark, too, especially his devious side, his stories are legend. I just finished his book. I'll come back and quote the passages I'm referring too. I was just kidding about the family, I love mine, even when I'm the black sheep. 😉
Blackdragon 2016-09-19 16:20:06
I don’t think you want honest critics.Uh, no. I want honest critics and idiot critics. The former force me to hone my arguments (that's why I do debates on this blog) and the latter give me free traffic and money with zero work on my part.
You’re an INTJ which means you just ice out anyone who disagrees with you. And you secretly want world domination and to have rose petals thrown at your feet for your genius.Yeeeaaahh, you really don't understand what an INTJ is, and/or you don't understand me in particular. What you just stated in those two sentences is literally the opposite of what I want. But you're welcome to believe whatever you like.
Eric 2016-09-19 16:36:56
@BD Again, you missed my point. As a healthy INTJ you are the live and let live type, who you intend to be, but all types have a shadow and when you have cognitive dissonance going on those shadow tendencies make you unhappy and as an N to regain balance you need sensory overload via sex, food, etc. I have zero doubt you want to have a nice, quiet life, etc, but as Mark also wrote in a recent article, to be Alpha the way you describe (In America), you are constantly denying your true nature of wanting quiet, it's causing cognitive dissonance and thus your addiction issues. That's my experience from years around alcoholics. Make sense? It's why you have to have all these rules and coping skills to stay consistently happy. That's just my opinion.
donnie demarco 2016-09-19 16:38:34
The thing is, I think many people grossly underestimate how painful it is for a parent (especially a religious parent) to see his child grow to be something entirely different from the person he wanted to raise when he chose to have a kid in the first place. Having a kid is a fundamentally selfish act: you want a cute baby and then you want that baby to become a clone of you, and you’re programmed to be extremely hurt if that failsThis is one of the things I hate most about Western Civilization today. We don't raise children to be the best people they can be, we raise them in order to validate ourselves as parents. It's not just selfish, it's fucking horrible. I spent most of my teens and 20s having to constantly step away from my family in order to make the right decisions for my life (I moved out and started paying my own rent when I was 17). There were times I didn't speak to them for long stretches of time; my stepmom once nexted me when I was 23, before I even knew what nexting was. It may hurt the parent to see their child grow up to be something different, but that's nothing compared to the loneliness a child feels when his family is constantly dismissing him and his ideas.
Blackdragon 2016-09-19 16:42:06
Again, you missed my point.Are you the same guy on the other blog who keeps saying "you missed my point" to everyone who disagrees with you? Anyway, don't answer that. If you have any specific disagreements with the views I stated in the above article, I'd love to discuss them with you. But if you just want to toss out veiled insults or pretend you're a therapist (which I'm sure you are not) and psychoanalyze me based on my eating habits, this is not the time or place. Thanks.
Gil Galad 2016-09-19 16:53:58
It may hurt the parent to see their child grow up to be something different, but that’s nothing compared to the loneliness a child feels when his family is constantly dismissing him and his ideas.I agree to some extent. Bottom line is, it's never easy, both practically and morally. By the way BD, I bought The Unchained Man. I wish I could also buy the more expensive dating books, but I'm too poor lol. Maybe in a year or two.
Diggy 2016-09-19 19:44:39
I walked away from my mothers life once and came back. Long story... it was a mistake. Some time later I walked out of my entire family. It was the best thing I've ever done. I was in my mid 30's before I understood how awful my family was to me. It's not that big of a deal of a deal to put up with one person at family functions. Be an outcome independent adult for a few hours. Long term habitual behavior deserves a hard next. You know what this feels and looks like. You've been thinking about it for years. Be direct if you do. I recently also cut out my best friend of 30 years. I believe I literally said "my breaking up with you." Explained why briefly, trust me they know, thanked him for his friendship and never spoke again. Every shitty person that I have cut out of my life makes more sense the the further I get from it.
Lovergirl 2016-09-19 21:28:59
You know, I have a brother who claims he is avoiding drama by cutting off family members. But you know what? He is the sole cause of more drama than anyone else and its because of this attitude. No one can have a normal family dinner and invite everyone over for Thanksgiving or Christmas or anything else without worrying about oh "A" (we'll call him A for "Asshole") isn't talking to so, and so and so and so will have hurt feelings. He doesn't talk to my mom. Okay. She is a drug addict and has issues and I understand that to some extent- I avoid talking TOO MUCH to her myself, but I am still cordial and don't treat her like shit or refuse to speak to her. What really gets me though is that the dipshit is also not talking to my grandmother, who has probably done more for him than anyone else in his life. She could die at any time and he is treating her badly (by not speaking to her) because he says he doesn't like having to hear about the rest of the family's drama, through her. My respect for this particular brother is currently ZERO because of this attitude. NOT recommended.... He doesn't talk to me now, because I flat out called him on his bullshit and he didn't like it/couldn't handle it. I wouldn't call that an "alpha male" at all....
Parade 2016-09-19 21:40:56
No one can have a normal family dinner and invite everyone over for Thanksgiving or Christmas or anything else without worrying about oh “A” (we’ll call him A for “Asshole”) isn’t talking to so, and so and so and so will have hurt feelings.Unless *his* feelings are hurt it doesn't sound like it's his problem. Sounds more like it's your problem.
Blackdragon 2016-09-19 21:47:32
I walked away from my mothers life once and came back. Long story… it was a mistake. Some time later I walked out of my entire family. It was the best thing I’ve ever done. I was in my mid 30’s before I understood how awful my family was to me.Yeah, I don't recommend hard nexting your family, much less your entire family, but I do agree there are extreme circumstances where it needs to be done.
You know, I have a brother who claims he is avoiding drama by cutting off family members. But you know what? He is the sole cause of more drama than anyone else and its because of this attitude.Incorrect. He cannot cause drama if he's not there. If there is drama when he's not there, it's your other family members' fault by talking about him. They can choose what to discuss or not discuss when he's not there. If they choose to create drama, that's their choice.
Lovergirl 2016-09-19 22:10:02
Exactly. It's very passive aggressive. An alpha male can handle conflict without running away.
Parade 2016-09-19 23:46:37
Exactly. It’s very passive aggressive. An alpha male can handle conflict without running away.While I'm sure there's other shit going on there, but so far you're sounding quite petty. He's causing drama by not showing up! He should show up and suffer in silence! Seriously?
Gil Galad 2016-09-20 03:06:20
Exactly. It’s very passive aggressive. An alpha male can handle conflict without running away.I don't think soft nexting is meant to be about being "alpha" (it's just that only alphas can pull it off): soft nexting is about prioritizing happiness. An alpha "can" handle conflict, but some alphas just prioritize their happiness so much that they choose to remove themselves from situations they just don't like. There's a big difference between withdrawing as an attitude, as in "oh my god this is horrible I can't handle this imma run away now", and withdrawing as a systematic refusal to experience unnecessary discomfort since you've already experienced all the range of unhappiness by the time you've turned 25. This is a very big misunderstanding that i've been seeing time and time again: the confusion between the person who can't handle conflict and the person who purposely won't "handle" it. The second is making a deliberate life decision based on the idea that having unnecessary moments of discomfort is unacceptable. I don't necessarily endorse this attitude but I think it's very defendable rationally and very distinct from social cowardice/unwillingness to face people. My own version of this is that some time ago, I decided that I wanted to live long, and became a bit of a maniac about avoiding anything that might "damage" my brain: since then, I've been sytematically cutting family disputes short (unless the other protagonists agree to not speak loudly), stating "I won't stay here letting you destroy more of my neurons". You can't claim that this is "an inability to deal with conflict", or a passive-aggressive attitude: it is a deliberate self-interested decision. I rest my case.
Diggy 2016-09-20 09:08:58
To me, being all "alpha" has nothing to do with it. Its self preservation. I'm not asserting my will with a strong arm. I'm making sure that I am in control of my life. One of Bds teachings is that we are 100% responsible for our own life, correct? If this is excepted as true then I have to be in control of who is in my life. I can only control myself and therefore who is in it. It's also self esteem. Where is your self esteem at when you let someone systematically treat you like shit. I just dont do it any more. No big exit. No drama. I just pick who is in my life. @eric. There is a lot, A LOT, of substance abuse in my family. A gene that I didnt get. I think this has something to do with it. Anti-anxiety pills and alcohol (and money) with literally wreck your mind. I don't have to be around that, so I'm not anymore. One thing I have noticed about people that have substance abuse issues is that they almost never want someone that is more healthy around them. It like they have some type of guilty subconscious about their self abusive lifestyle. @LG was that a specific rebuttal to my thought? Or just general narcissism again? I assure you I am not the problem and my family is. Sounds like you like drama tho from the perspective you gave.
JB 2016-09-20 09:11:18
A very important thing to all of you: You don't even need family to be happy. I see my family (close relatives) a few times a year. Many family members I haven't seen in years. Not that we don't have a bad relationship - we just don't see each other. And to be honest, I don't see any reason that should change. One thing that caught my eye in this article was the social media aspect. Should you really use social media like girls do? I live the most interesting life compared to anyone I know. I have the most interesting and best paid job compared to anyone I know. I put stuff up on my Facebook page once a year or less - because I'm not a fucking bitch. Everyone I know who spends a lot of time posting on social media lives a very vanilla life and just upscales the things they do as if it was super extraordinary. Granted, that shit might get you some pussy if you're a guy, but I seriously have a problem blowing my life up on the big screen for no reason. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject @BD
Blackdragon 2016-09-20 09:40:03
An alpha male can handle conflict without running away.The others already said this, but yes, an Alpha can handle all the conflict the world can throw at him, but handling that recurring conflict won't make him happy. It's not about what he can or can't handle. It's about what will make him happy or unhappy.
I put stuff up on my Facebook page once a year or less – because I’m not a fucking bitch. Everyone I know who spends a lot of time posting on social media lives a very vanilla life and just upscales the things they do as if it was super extraordinary. Granted, that shit might get you some pussy if you’re a guy, but I seriously have a problem blowing my life up on the big screen for no reason. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject @BDI more or less agree. I have a personal Facebook page, but these days I only post stuff on there a few times a year, usually when I travel. Other than that I stay off. However, I've talked about how Facebook can be a very good relationship management tool for resurrecting old LSFNTEs, so in that respect I would definitely use it if you're in harem-building mode. I'm not in that mode these days. I also think Facebook is a good way to stay in touch with more distant family members. So I'm not one of these guys that says, "Don't use Facebook, it sucks!" As in all things, it has its place.
Onder Hassan 2016-09-20 10:22:52
Hey Caleb, just wanted to let you know that reading your blog posts and your Unchained Man book cover to cover has helped me get my life in order. You're a bit like an older brother that I never had. I first heard of you through my good friend Tom Torero and went Moldova together recently to do some filming. I can 100% resonate with everything you say. Your beliefs about relationships and women makes a lot of sense and recently had a girl come back to me after 5 years apart, wanting to meet up and resume our casual relationship like nothing happened and is ok that I'm seeing other girls. Between then and now, she ended a 3 year relationship with a great guy after getting cold feet from hearing he would propose to her. In contrast to my ex who decided to continue dating someone else after telling her what she wanted to hear with regards to my feelings for her in the 2 years we were together and being dominant and aloof throughout. It practically confirmed their nature and everything you've written. I've now started to pursue my ambitions with full gusto. Building multiple affiliate websites that I hope to make some money from and scale rapidly with more sites. Travel the world, hit the gym more regularly and learn more skills. It's given me a renewed sense of excitement knowing that I can be better. I'm currently the happiest i've ever been. Something that no girl up to now has ever been able to give me. So I thank you Caleb. Keep up with the great work.
donnie demarco 2016-09-20 10:59:07
You know, I have a brother who claims he is avoiding drama by cutting off family members. But you know what? He is the sole cause of more drama than anyone else and its because of this attitude... I wouldn’t call that an “alpha male” at all….This article is not about your brother. It's a guide for 2.0s on how to deal with people like your brother.
How do you deal with them? The answer is, you don’t. These people are great for Outcome Independence practice. Just stop giving a shit. Way too many of you take these people way, way too seriously. These people are sad, unhappy morons who usually live consistently unhappy, uninspired lives or close to it. Don’t get angry at them. Feel sorry for them. I do.
Anon. 2016-09-20 11:03:56
Tubarao seems to be rather active on his Facebook page, which is full of comments from women like “so that’s where he gets his sexual stamina from”. Though I doubt this is really of much help. Could even hurt attainability.
Jsauce 2016-09-20 12:02:48
I represent the 2% rule in this case; I divorced my parents at age 12 and became legally emancipated and have been on my own for over 20 years. I don't understand family drama, at all. What's the advantage to tolerating this kind of behavior? I like when BD talks about being able to bet on marriage outcomes and how he feels he can accurately predict what will happen; I feel the same way regarding familial bullshit situations. This is the perspective from a true outsider looking in; most "families" are only in it for themselves when it comes down to it. I've seen other people's lives ripped apart by their "family" and I can't understand why anyone would let that situation continue throughout their life. Family=Society from where I am coming from.
anonymous 2016-09-20 14:24:09
lol, soft nexted my parents 10 years ago and they completely flipped out. they called the cops on me for wellness checks, kept writing me to tell me i'm mentally ill, left notes on my car that said 'call your mom', etc etc. it just never ended. that pretty much turned it into a hard next.
K 2016-09-20 14:32:06
I live the most interesting life compared to anyone I know. I have the most interesting and best paid job compared to anyone I know.If I´m the smartest person in the room, I´m in a wrong room.
Blackdragon 2016-09-20 22:08:36
I’m currently the happiest i’ve ever been. Something that no girl up to now has ever been able to give me. So I thank you Caleb. Keep up with the great work.I'm glad I could help and that quote is sublime as it is truthful. YOU can make yourself happier than any woman can, if you just control your SP and OBW and do the right things.
Alex 2016-09-21 09:12:10
Thank you for writing this article. It's really helpful. And at the same time I'm amazed to watch reaction of Love girl who flips out in an angry rant and tells you that if you soft next then you are "passive aggressive" lol. What next ? Did someone "neglect-rape" you honey?
Parade 2016-09-21 10:23:19
And at the same time I’m amazed to watch reaction of Love girl who flips out in an angry rant and tells you that if you soft next then you are “passive aggressive” lol. What next ? Did someone “neglect-rape” you honey?The underlying point here is the classic guilt trip argument: "I/she/someone did a lot for you in the past and you not talking to them will make them sad. You don't want to make them sad, do you?" Never mind that interacting with that person makes you unhappy, you're supposed to sacrifice yourself for them because they gave you a flower when you were 12 (or raised you for 10 years, or helped you out of tough spot, etc)
or the old racist uncle who happily tosses around racial slurs and talks about squeezing women’s nipples in front of the kidsThis sounds like you later on in the article...is there something we should know?
Or tell your angry, Dominant, over-33 sister that you’ve got five women on rotation (be sure to call them “your bitches”)
Blackdragon 2016-09-21 12:13:43
This sounds like you later on in the article…is there something we should know?Haha! Using the term "bitches" is of course optional. 🙂 Just you saying you're having sex with 5 women and/or a 18 year-old is more than enough to set off the typical, stressed out, over-33, married woman into a state of nuclear meltdown.
Joelsuf 2016-09-21 16:53:25
I’m amazed to watch reaction of Love girl who flips out in an angry rant and tells you that if you soft next then you are “passive aggressive” lol. What next ? Did someone “neglect-rape” you honey?Doesn't surprise me at all. Undercover Ratchets like her kind enjoy rationalizing their need for drama in their lives. They use the term "passive aggressive" as code for "I don't agree and you are a bad person for disagreeing so come at me bro." They aren't the type to be as sadistic enough to cry rape to get back at dudes however. That's something succubi do. And Undercover Ratchets aren't smart enough to be succubi. Undercover Ratchets just enjoy drama and attempt to make it their mission statement to make sure everyone they interact with gets sucked into the drama. Therefore it makes sense that their target market is fuckboys, betas and Alpha 1s, because all three are just as addicted to drama as undercover ratchets. Undercover Ratchets use dudes for sympathy, money, babysitting, etc. Succubi use dudes as regret rape experiments to extend their female supremacist cause. Fortunately, unless you are a fuckboy or omega wizard, you'll almost never have to deal with succubi irl. But they are fun to troll online, just like its fun to troll fuckboys and wizards online.
Kryptokate 2016-09-21 18:55:46
Yeah this whole post is just a reminder of why I don't understand people who actually WANT families and purposely create them. As soon as I could get away from mine I moved far away. And they're not even bad but regardless, it's inevitably a bunch of guilt and expectations. You reflect on your family members, that's why they care and they are emotionally invested in you being whatever their idea of "successful" is. You say not to, but I DO feel bad for my parents for all the time, energy, money, and stress they had to put into me. So I don't like to upset them and try to present them with an image that will make them happy. My parents love nothing more than to brag about me to their friends so I try to make them feel like they have something to brag about and not make them ashamed. But I admit I have sometimes wished I was an orphan just purely because those people are totally free to be whoever they want to be, without the big fat emotional debt that everyone with parents is born with and can only pay off by turning into the sort of grown up that fulfills their parents' values. And IMO, feeling guilty is much more unpleasant then feeling aggrieved. I think it's the worst of all emotions. And the parent-child relationship seems inherently fraught with guilt. At least, I can't figure out how to not feel guilty. @ Joel Damn, there you go with your slang again. Wtf is an omega wizard?? Second, I don't understand the meaning of fuckboy. One use seems to be as a generic meaningless insult, but you used it as if it has a particular meaning. The other way people use it seems to mean "a self centered guy out for sex" and I don't see why any guy would actually be insulted by that so I don't get the stigma that's been attached to it. If that's the meaning then I would think guys would take it as a matter of pride if girls call them that.
Parade 2016-09-21 20:05:21
@kate Those terms made no sense to me, either. But I do kind of want to see an omega wizard fuckboy and an undercover ratchet succubus duke it out. Wonder if it's kind of like a "re-arrange to suit" thing? "Alpha undercover fuckboy" vs "Omega wizard matchstick"?
Blackdragon 2016-09-21 22:30:34
I do kind of want to see an omega wizard fuckboy and an undercover ratchet succubus duke it out.My ultimate preteen sexual fantasy was to fuck a succubus. Particularly that naked one from the original Monster Manual.
Gluteus_Maximus 2016-09-21 23:45:36
i can't leave a comment on sublimeyourtime... what!? lmao that was a great post as well anyhow i stopped going to family events a long time ago because it's generally a waste of time. I'm the only person who dropped out of school. My life rocks, so when younger relatives want to ask for advice... if I were to respond by saying that school, the way it is, is useless, their parents would be like "what the hell are you telling my child!?" waste of time.
Joelsuf 2016-09-22 02:04:37
Damn, there you go with your slang again.Urban Dictionary is your friend. Seriously, most blogs and message boards know these terms.
POB 2016-09-22 04:32:12
BD, this is one of your best posts hands down. Abusive parents must be really hard to deal with, but an emotional dominant mom (cough italian, cough jewish) is damn sure to be really harmful too. I have a childhood friend who's the youngest of three. His mom was all over him with emotional BS since he was a baby, and he's never been able to get away from her (his older brother and sister did it as soon as they could and left him alone). Bottom line is he had at least a decade of his life lost because of drug abuse. Even now that he's clean he's kinda of adrift, has no real goals and still is attached to her (his Facebook page is just sad). To all the young guns out there: get out of your parents house ASAP. I have the most loving and caring parents of this planet, but I decided I wanted to do it at a very young age and just went on my own when the time was right (17-18 yo). It's one of the best decisions you'll ever make, believe me.
You’re an INTJ which means you just ice out anyone who disagrees with you. And you secretly want world domination and to have rose petals thrown at your feet for your genius.Dude, really? I'm also an INTJ and I get into disagreements all the time (no drama, just rational ones)! I most definitely don't shy away from them....as a matter of fact I LOVE THEM because they make me think and reevaluate my beliefs (AKA I'm growing and becoming better). Everyone who disagrees with me and has solid arguments is an instant candidate to become my friend or close acquaintance. We also hate frivolous attention...a job well done and good results is everything we're after. If someone gives us a honest pat in the back because we did good, yeah, we like it very much (like everyone else)! Seriously, just stop watching "House" re-runs and come back to the real world, please (just kidding, LOL).
Gil Galad 2016-09-22 05:19:12
Criticizing INTJs the way Eric has is hugely ironic. Regardless of whether they're arrogant or not, or "secretly want glory" (not a vice in my book), INTJs and possibly INTPs are exactly the type of people to whom this kind of crappy psychoanalytical criticism hardly applies. Because they base their opinions on "what works ?" and "what stands to rational inquiry ?", unlike most people. And it's those other people who'll project their own flaws on them: "I base my opinions on what feels right and not on fact, and everything I think can easily be traced back to one insecurity or another, because I suck at dispassionate reasoning. Therefore his reasons must also be traceable to an emotional bias. I mean, it can't possibly be that he's simply right, or even that he's wrong due to a mere problem of logic/information instead of emotion, right, right ?"
Everyone who disagrees with me and has solid arguments is an instant candidate to become my friend or close acquaintance.This, with the difference that I rarely find those people in real life: I find them in books. Being forced, by sheer force of reasoning, to change my mind by an author through a book is one of my most enjoyable reading experiences (second, I admit, to reading someone who agrees with me and says it better). Emotional people never get over this fact: logic is coercive. When you're truly rational, you can't wish away an opinion that has been clearly demonstrated to you (or maintain your certitude of something that has clearly been undermined). That's why they hate INTJs and find them "arrogant": the arrogance is in the (correct) claim that if you don't like a thesis, you don't get to reject it based solely on not liking it.
Blackdragon 2016-09-22 11:25:08
i can’t leave a comment on sublimeyourtime… what!?You can comment here and you can comment at the CJ Blog, but there's no comment ability over at SYT. Because A) customized business advice has a monetary value so I don't give that away for free, and B) I don't have the time to respond to comments on three blogs (I barely can do it for two!).
Kryptokate 2016-09-22 12:29:07
@ Joel There's no entry for omega wizard nor do I find a definition googling. Urban dictionary has several entries for fuckboy that are mutually contradictory, which is why I said it seems to mean nothing and just be a generic insult. However, you seemed to be using it as if it's a specific category rather than just a word to mean "loser". But perhaps I didn't understand your intent and when you referred to "fuckboys and omega wizards" you really just meant "losers". I thought you were providing some kind of specific categorization, since you were differentiating between "rachets" and "succubi". Just trying to understand what you were talking about...YOU were the one giving a lecture on taxonomy, you know. @ Gil What a lovely way to put it. Logic is coercive. Oh how I wish!! Not with most people. Logic + charm is needed, and charm requires so much more effort. Your description reminds me of someone who once told me, during an argument that he was losing, that I was using "trapping logic". I found that hilarious. I think from now on I'm going to start telling people who are losing arguments to me "just give in to the coercion of my logic...come on, it feels so good, you know you want it."
Gil Galad 2016-09-22 13:04:35
Logic + charm is needed, and charm requires so much more effort. Your description reminds me of someone who once told me, during an argument that he was losing, that I was using “trapping logic”. I found that hilarious.Haha, sounds familiar. Basically they flip things on their head: trapping someone with appeal to emotion is fair game, but rational demonstration is frowned upon and considered less convincing. Seriously, some people don't fully understand what an argument is and what it "does": to them it's just "person A is making claim X, using the ritual word 'because' which is supposed to make them sound right". The image that comes to my mind is that of a bunch of apes making faces and sounds at each other, where all the "sounds" (the logic) are merely a necessary ritual without real power, and what actually does the convincing is the mimics, body language, etc. Thank the gods for maths/engineering etc, where no one can afford two and two to make five.
Anon. 2016-09-22 15:21:53
Logic is coercive. Oh how I wish!! Not with most people. Logic + charm is needed, and charm requires so much more effort.My experience has been the opposite. Persuading people with logic only to get a “you have to consider both sides” response is slow and irritating. Dammit, I’ve considered both sides, I’ve found one of them to contradict the facts, here’s how, that’s exactly what I’m telling you!—but no, Orwellian doublethink is really the cognitive method of choice for many people. Charm, once you get the hang of it, is easy. (Though maybe that’s less so for women?) Basically, if you care about a group of people, you get yourself into a position of authority and then just force them to do things that are good for themselves. (Anyone ever tried to communicate to a woman directly his mastery of sexual techniques, however true that fact may be? : )
Kryptokate 2016-09-22 17:09:39
Anon, sure, charm is much, much more effective. In fact, I'd say logic is virtually useless on anyone who isn't one of the "rational" personality types. But it took me years and years of practice to develop my social skills enough to be charming, while logic came effortlessly. But that's just me. I can use emotional persuasion, but it requires more conscious effort and I find it tiring while being logical is just a default mode. Also, I find it much more gratifying to persuade someone with logic than with emotional manipulation, but people who can be persuaded purely with logic are few and far between. Put it this way, if I could have discussions/debates based on logic with everyday people in my life, I would not be going on the internet to do so. To get back on topic, I'm pretty sure I laid out the perfectly logical argument, to my mother, when I was 12 or so, that given that she was the sole decision-maker in bringing me into existence as her child, it was a unilateral agreement that I had not consented to and thus there could not possibly be any mutual obligations running between us but only unilateral obligations running from her to me. Or in other words, she had no right to expect anything from me in the way of fulfilling her desires or otherwise. Which is logically sound, but emotionally irrelevant. So as you could expect, that argument went over like a ton of bricks. The emotional persuasion of my mother's disappointment and hurt and my corresponding guilt just completely overrule the logic. I am very good at analyzing my emotions objectively and maintaining a rational frame, but some emotions are easier to master than others. I haven't been able to master guilt. Though it's a bit self-reinforcing...I don't want to "master" guilt because then I wouldn't mind hurting people, and the idea of that makes me feel guilty/bad.
Joelsuf 2016-09-22 21:05:15
@kryptokate well look, I found it in less than three seconds. Must be my "white male privilege" lol jk. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Wizard And yeah, I was categorizing. Here are my definitions of the terms I used. I'm only half serious about these terms so don't take them seriously. I'm just mocking some of the individuals I come across when trolling manosphere communities. The more people I can make fun of, the better. Wizard = Male virgin with next to no social, flirting, or seduction skills. Also known as "incels (short for 'involuntarily celibate')." Most preach alt-right philosophies, or by preaching sex-negative MGTOW philosophies. Like SJWs, they are hell bent on saving the world this way. Many are closet homosexuals. Elliot Rodger was a wizard. Fuckboy = Loud betas who are obsessed with dominance, bravado, getting attention, and bragging. They do anything they can and I mean literally anything to get sex. 25+ year old men who still party like 19 year old frat boys are what I would fuckboys. Brock Turner, that waste of jizz who raped that unconscious chick behind a dumpster is a fuckboy. Ratchet = (usually) a traditionally unattractive chick who acts like a traditionally attractive chick. Like fuckboys, they are also loud and obnoxious and obsessed with dominance and getting attention. Succubus = Normal looking chicks who are belligerent, man hating feminists who think they are saving the world. They use their normal (and oftentimes traditionally attractive) looks to entrap Alpha 1s and Betas into being their slaves. That's why I call them succubi, their looks deceive but they are true monsters in disguise.
Anon. 2016-09-23 03:11:45
Kate, your first paragraph also describes me to a T. But one has to be focused on one’s goals. If the goal is to get someone to do something, then apply the most effective form of persuasion, whatever that might be. And if the goal is to engage in an interesting debate using logic, then find some like-minded partners to do so. The two goals don’t really intersect : ) As for guilt, and resisting attempts of manipulation that use guilt, perhaps one should distinguish between one’s mistakes that harmed someone, and people harming themselves despite one’s attempts to fix things. Then guilt remains as a safeguard but not as a manipulation instrument.
donnie demarco 2016-09-23 18:08:21
And it’s those other people who’ll project their own flaws on them: “I base my opinions on what feels right and not on fact, and everything I think can easily be traced back to one insecurity or another, because I suck at dispassionate reasoning. Therefore his reasons must also be traceable to an emotional bias. I mean, it can’t possibly be that he’s simply right, or even that he’s wrong due to a mere problem of logic/information instead of emotion, right, right ?”Absolutely. Humans are irrational and emotional creatures, and they see us logical types as weirdos/assholes. I struggled with this for years until I finally decided that I was going to start treating people like children. It sounds condescending, but it works amazingly well.
ALEX 2017-08-01 23:03:14
unfortunately gonna have to soft next my older brother. He's a narcissistic asshole. Straight up down the line...asshole...I'm at an age where I don't give a shit anymore. I have to live my own life happy like all the other hardworking people out there in the world.