Men Have A “Wall” Too, And How To Avoid It

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Men Have A “Wall” Too, And How To Avoid It

A while back, I published an article about “The Wall” that described a concept a lot of guys subscribe to that claims there’s an age, usually somewhere in their thirties, at which women are no longer attractive or datable. It was interesting, and there was a lot of discussion on the topic. Today I’m going to talk about how men have a wall. It’s very different from a woman’s wall in that it doesn’t make them less attractive, it just fucks up their lives. Here’s what it is and how to avoid it.

-By Caleb Jones

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A Man’s Wall

Unlike women, there is a very specific age at which men hit this wall, and again, it’s a wall that completely disrupts their lives, often for many decades. Many men don’t ever recover from it. The specific age of when men hit this wall is 35. At age 35, a man will typically wake up and decide everything he’s been doing is wrong—he’s been way out of balance over here (wherever that is), so he assumes he has to go to the opposite negative extreme and do that instead. So instead of being unhappy on one extreme end in his twenties and thirties, he’s unhappy on the other end for the rest of his thirties and forties.

This article applies specifically to you guys in your twenties and early thirties who have not yet hit this wall. Keep in mind that the age men hit their wall is an average; some hit it slightly sooner than others. Smart men, or men who plan ahead, never hit this wall and bypass it altogether.

Case In Point

Here’s one example I’ve seen many times. You’ll get a guy who comes from the pick-up artist/red pill world who spends his twenties and early thirties banging chicks all over the place; maybe a short relationship here and there, but mostly it’s about having sex with lots of girls.

Then he hits age 35 (or close to it), and he suddenly decides this is a bad thing; to him, he’s  now a shallow asshole and there’s no meaning to his life.

In response to this, he’ll go to the opposite negative extreme and get monogamous—or even married. These extreme players who’ve had sex with hundreds of women (in some cases) suddenly get monogamously married (or otherwise move in with a woman under a monogamous arrangement), and do you think that works? No. Within a few years, it blows up in their faces. They cheat, they fight, they have all kinds of drama, they get divorced, and the reason it blows up in their faces is that they’ve exchanged one extreme for the opposite extreme. Keep in mind: Long-term happiness does not exist on the extreme ends of this spectrum, as I’ve explained many times in the past.

Another example is somewhat similar. You’ll have guys who go through their twenties and thirties having lots of sex with many women and then they hit age 35 (or so) and think to themselves, Oh no—I’m a bad man. I’ve been an immoral, unethical, terrible person. And now I have to go to the opposite extreme and become a far-right evangelical Christian. Or something to that effect. They take the God pill, go hardcore Christian, or become Muslims, or embrace some other kind of spirituality that sometimes doesn’t believe in sex outside of marriage at all.

Here’s yet another example, and this time it involves money. There are guys on the internet (without mentioning any names) who make a lot of money in their twenties or early thirties. And they do what young men typically do who have that kind of money—they buy Ferraris, fancy houses, and yachts, and they bang hookers and show off all their shit on social media. They blow through all this money like it’s nothing, and then they hit age 35 (or thereabouts) and decide that making, having, and spending all this money is evil. So they go to the opposite extreme and live like a monk. They move into a little apartment with no furniture and decide to teach everyone about minimalism.

In other words, this is one crazy negative extreme jumping to the opposite extreme. And this always seems to happen around age 35. Something magical happens to a man at that age that makes him snap out of it and decide everything he’d been doing up to that point was bad.

I was lucky in this respect in that I entered into the Alpha Male 2.0 world when I was 35. As many of you know, I spent my twenties and early thirties as a beta—monogamously married, had very little game, and I made a high income for someone my age, but I was still a beta male. I snapped out of that around age 33, so it happened to me, but in a positive way; I was living a negative life and moved into a very positive life by the age of 35.

As a 35-year-old man, unlike guys in their twenties when they enter the pick-up world, I knew that I going to want to have fun and have sex with a lot of women for a while. But even then, I knew enough to ask: Am I going to want that forever?

No. I knew, because I was thinking long term, that at some point, I would want to switch that and enter into something a little more stable and consistent—in my case, an OLTR marriage. A few years after that, that’s exactly what I did, all according to plan.

So you guys in your twenties and early thirties: I don’t want you to go through what a lot of other men have gone through. I don’t want you to hit that wall and wake up one day and look back on your life and believe you’ve fucked everything up, so you have to go crazy in the opposite direction. You’ll be equally unhappy, just in a different way, which is what happens when you embrace monk-like minimalist lifestyle, no-sex-based Christianity, or hardcore monogamy *(after you’ve had sex with 150 women and you’re no longer capable of it).

I want you to be more balanced and rational, and above all, I want you to be happy. At Alpha Male 2.0, we talk a lot about long-term, consistent happiness. And if you wake up one morning and decide your life is terrible, you’re going to make decisions that will make you unhappy. I’ve seen this over and over again in the Manosphere/pick-up artist/red pill world. These examples that I talked about above aren’t isolated cases; these things happen all over the place. If I sat down and thought about it, I could probably come up with 20 names of guys who went through this when they hit 35.

Here’s how to not do that.

Step 1: Realize the way you’re currently living is not the way you’re always going to want to live.

Young guys have a real problem with this. You guys in your twenties and early thirties seem to think the way you’re living now is the way you’re going to want to live for the next seventy years. Wrong. You 26-year-old guys who say you’re literally never getting married, never moving in with a woman, never having kids, and will always be single are kidding yourselves. Statistically speaking, you’re incorrect. Come back in 25 years, and I have a feeling you may have a kid or two and/or you’ll be living with a woman (or will have at least attempted to do so and fucked it up because you never thought you would do it).

You’ve got to recognize, no matter how strongly you feel about it now, that you’re not going to live this way forever, and you have to account for that in terms of your current actions today. It can be painful to acknowledge these things, but it’s called being rational and thinking long term.

Step 2: Don’t be stupid with your money.

This is for those of you in your twenties or early thirties who have made a lot of money. When a young guy comes into a lot of money, the temptation is overwhelming to be really stupid with it. Don’t go out and buy a a fucking Lambo and don’t go to Vegas and blow $200,000 in one weekend on booze, hookers, friends, food, and drugs.

You can play a little bit; that’s fine. Take 10% or 20% of your income and have some fun with it. I don’t like spending a lot of money, but when I come into a hunk of it, I always try to take a small percentage of it and do some fun shit with it. But the vast majority of it goes into my businesses or my investments, and that’s where your money should be going—decent, boring, conservative investments that have low rates of return but are otherwise very safe.

I personally know guys who made a lot of money in their twenties and thirties and blew it all. By the time they hit 35, they were poor, and they never really recovered. So that’s another danger—you may never make it back.

Step 3: Try to think through what kind of life you’ll want when you’re 50+.

Forget about what you want right now—that’s easy. What kind of life do you think you’ll want to live when you’re 50?

Think hard: Am I really going to want to have hordes of one-night stands with chicks in Ukraine when I’m 57 years old?

If the answer is “probably not,” then what do you think you will want?

It’s hard to know exactly, but do your best to get a hold of your long-term future. I’ve done this a few times in my life; I know what I want for my life 20 years from now will not be the same as what I have now at age 48.

The reason guys hit this wall and fuck up their lives at 35 is that they’re not thinking long term. That’s the number one reason.

Just get an idea for a general path you’ll want to take long term. You’ll probably change your mind at some point along the way, and that’s fine. If you can’t determine what you might want later in life, how the hell are you going to create a path for long-term happiness? You can’t do it. You’ve got to get out of your head in terms of where you are right now.

Step 4: Always think long term.

Ask yourself this question: How will my current actions and skill sets help me in terms of what I want long term?

What patterns and habits am I developing now, and how will they help me later in life—or will they harm me later in life?

For instance: If you decide you’ll probably want to get traditionally, monogamously married somewhere down the road, but in the meantime, you want to have sex with 180 women, how well do you think you’ll do in a long-term monogamous marriage after developing a habit like that? You’re going to do terribly. I’ve seen Alpha Males 1.0 all the time who blow up in their monogamous relationships because they’ve set the precedent of having sex with lots of girls.

If I regularly spend everything I earn, especially on stupid shit, how is that going to help me or harm me long term?

You’ve got to start training your brain to think long term. I’ve talked on my podcasts about how I’m always thinking of the version of myself that will exist five years from now. I’m always remembering that guy and thinking, What am I doing now to help that guy five years from now?

The main reason I’m so happy and have such a great life at age 48 is that when I was 43, I was thinking about how I wanted to be happy when I was 48. I wasn’t thinking about me then, I was thinking about me five years from then. And if you don’t train your brain to think long term in your twenties and thirties, then boy, are you going to have problems. The more you think long term, the less likely these problems are to happen to you when you hit 35.

This applies to you guys over the age of 35 too, although not as much, because in my opinion, most guys post-35 usually have themselves figured out. It takes 30-35 years to figure yourself out anyway. So if you’re over the age of 35, you still need to think long term. And you younger guys think about what I’ve said here. You don’t want to go through this.

Click here to register for the FREE webinar I'll be doing on December 3rd on how to be successful with online dating in the 2020s, with a full Q&A at the end.



This article was originally published on November 23, 2020

Comments


  • Will 2020-11-23 07:36:17

    decent, boring, conservative investments that have low rates of return but are otherwise very safe
    As usual the financial advice here is just flat out really awful. Caleb, for all your net worth may (or may not) really be, I can only imagine how dramatically better off you would be financially if not for your cringeworthy financial advice. Nobody in the 35 and under category should be investing like this. Even your 50's is probably too  early for this, but as a young man now is the time to be researching and investing in equities with big growth potential. You literally have decades ahead of you before you should even be thinking of withdrawing any of these invested funds. THAT is your risk reduction right there.  If you do your research and choose solid companies they _will_ make you good money as long as your investment time frame is at the 8-10 year mark at minimum. It makes no sense to be investing like an old man that's about to retire at your age you are literally throwing money away if you do this.

  • CrabRangoon 2020-11-23 07:52:04

    A great example of these guys is Neil Strauss who did the 180 from PUA to monogamously married to his oneitis girl and writing all about it in his ridiculous"Truth" book.  Oh and of course, no surprise, he cheated on her, crawled back and then finally divorced.  He's a great case study and cautionary tale

  • Blackdragon 2020-11-23 08:46:22

    As usual the financial advice here is just flat out really awful.
    Go read my other blog (and my courses, if you wish) for more details about my financial advice and evaluate it on its merits instead of reacting emotionally to literally one sentence I said here. My advice is to have two buckets (NTNL and GR), one of which does include more speculative investments like bitcoin. I own a lot of bitcoin, crypto, and other non-safe investments. It just doesn't represent the bulk of my portfolio.
    You literally have decades ahead of you before you should even be thinking of withdrawing any of these invested funds.
    Correct and I never said otherwise.
    THAT is your risk reduction right there.
    Incorrect. IF you put $100,000 into Ethereum and never withdraw any of it and it goes to zero and never recovers there is very little risk reduction with such a strategy.

  • Wired For Success 2020-11-23 10:05:29

    Sage advice as always Caleb. I'm 24 right now and I've been thinking lately where I want 29-30 year old me to be five years from now. For me, I wanna be in SE Asia living it up with the ladies while constantly having thousands of dollars coming into my bank account every month passively by the mid New Twenties! Also, to further elaborate on your point about Manosphere guys who get all religious and stuff when they hit their mid-30s. Anybody here remember Roosh V or Victor Pride? Remember how Roosh made a killing by blogging about banging foreign women left right and center or how Pride on his "Bold and Determined" blog was always telling you how exactly to live your life as a masculine man in the modern world? Both of them swallowed the full bottle of Jesus pills this year which hey, it's their choice. But man, is it a stark contrast to what they became known for in the New Tens!  

  • Jake 2020-11-23 10:19:23

    Caleb you are being much too kind on Will. Will, Caleb talks ALL THE TIME about how much he loves Bitcoin. A few weeks ago on THIS BLOG he posted a video about how he made money with Bitcoin and how he did it. OBVIOUSLY he isn't advising men to invest like an old man. You look like someone who is looking for things to bitch about.  

  • Blackdragon 2020-11-23 10:23:35

    Will, Caleb talks ALL THE TIME about how much he loves Bitcoin.
    There's a reason why most guys who dislike me or my advice are forced to attack opinions I don't have.

  • PP 2020-11-23 11:09:50

    Great article Caleb, this one resonates particularly with me. I am 33, and are definitely the guy you describe in your first example : have fucked more than 200 girls, and still like it. But I am aware that at some point I might get tired of this lifestyle, or not that attractive anymore, and then might end up in some sort of LTR (of course will try my best to keep it open). I am afraid that I "damaged" my brain in a way, and that I would never be able to fuck the same 2-3 girls for years on end. Do you think it's possible to "rewire" my brain to stop or at least lower my apetite for variety? I am at the point where meeting and fucking attractive new women is easy, and also something that I love (I would say it is one of my hobbies, I never watch series, play video games or stuff like that). Should I voluntarily start meeting less new women, and "force" myself to content with the women I prefer among the ones I have on rotation? I am really afraid to become unhappy in the future because of that. Thanks [edit] I guess you will send me a link to your "do not think with your dick" article ! Which is super valid in my case;..

  • Blackdragon 2020-11-23 12:34:20

    I am 33, and are definitely the guy you describe in your first example : have fucked more than 200 girls, and still like it. But I am aware that at some point I might get tired of this lifestyle, or not that attractive anymore, and then might end up in some sort of LTR (of course will try my best to keep it open).
    Don't "try" to keep it open. That's pussy talk. It will be open or you won't do it. Have some balls and control yourself.
    I am afraid that I “damaged” my brain in a way, and that I would never be able to fuck the same 2-3 girls for years on end.
    That isn't "damage." That's your bullshit Societal Programming talking. It's your preference and how you are. There's nothing wrong with it. The only thing that could be "wrong" is how you mishandle it (like getting lazy and monogamous).
    Do you think it’s possible to “rewire” my brain to stop or at least lower my apetite for variety?
    Stop your appetite? No. Lower it a little? Sure. Cut back on the women. Start focusing on other things, particularly your Mission (which means you need to define one if you don't have one). Set some exciting non-woman goals. Meditate. Get your hormonal levels checked and optimized.

  • Pseudonymous User 2020-11-23 14:35:20

    now is the time to be researching and investing in equities with big growth potential
    Will this company grow? is the wrong question to ask. The correct one is Is this company undervalued by the market? You just can't reliably answer the second question. Investment fund managers are trying to do that full time, and they are outperformed by index funds. Hell, even the first question is pretty damn hard. There was this author who wrote a book about best practices by interviewing managers of the most successful companies. After twenty years or so, a curious journalist looked it up, and half the companies turned out to have gone bankrupt. First priority: use the money to expand your own business(es) Second priority: boring investments 8625774936th priority: lottery tickets

  • Sphere 2020-11-23 15:02:34

    Somewhat off. I posted a comment under Announcing the New Ultimate Online Dating Manual (And Free Webinar)! First it appeared all good, then I applied a minor edit and as a result my comment was labeled as spam and consequently got removed. I find it suspicious that there are only 5 comments under that post as I expected more engagement under it. Maybe there is a glitch in your system, hence my post is stuck in limbo? I don't think I've written anything outrageous that would justify hiding it but of course I'm biased towards my writing. Regarding you answer only comments under your two newest posts. At the time I posted my comment that post was your newest one. Since then you've published two additional posts.

  • Blackdragon 2020-11-23 16:31:47

    First priority: use the money to expand your own business(es)
    Correct.
    my comment was labeled as spam and consequently got removed
    My staff has found it and restored it. Enjoy the commenting function here while it lasts. In a matter of days my new blog goes up where I will disable commenting here forever, as I warned several months ago here.

  • STEPHEN MILES JR 2020-11-23 18:55:56

    "Men have a wall too.." When I was kid, and to our parents and grandparents, that "wall" was known as a Mid Life Crisis. Yes, I did some crazy things around age 35 that took until just about 50 (right now I'm 54) to unwind.  Just in time to realize I had enough "life data" to no longer second-guess myself, and what I know and don't know. Will, looking back over my life, the people that I know personally (or knew, in the case of those who are no longer with us) who managed to not loose their investing money (or grow it, and all who now live off of their investments) all bought "boring" income producing assets (dividend stocks, REITs, MLPs, rental real estate in densely populated high traffic areas).  Low rates of return grow surprising (due to compounding) large over time.  This is not investment advice, I am not your investment advisor, and lots could be different in the future, particularly with exponentially rising government debt levels (and exponentially expanding technology capabilities, especially in USA and China).  That is good reason to have a second NON-INVESTING bucket for speculating, like Blackdragon does.  But every economic cycle in my life has done something differently from the priors, so predicting "growth companies" is going to be tough.

  • Paul Proteus 2020-11-23 19:50:07

    One of the best pieces of advice I received in my 20s was to save 10% of everything I earned. Thw other great piece of advice was to put my long-term nest egg into investments that, on average, would outpace inflation. When I lost my career 2 years ago at the age of 57 and found myself retraining for a new profession, those life-long savings were there for me.  You never know what unexpected hardships life may have in store.

  • Redbaron 2020-11-23 20:50:55

    There are guys on the internet (without mentioning any names) who make a lot of money in their twenties or early thirties. And they do what young men typically do who have that kind of money—they buy Ferraris, fancy houses, and yachts, and they bang hookers and show off all their shit on social media.
    I only do two of those things; food and hookers since food and sex are needs and I don't enjoy talking to women, I just like fucking them. For my first house, I ideally want a cheap single-bedroom house with the basics like water, AC, electricity as well as a small garage for my car (which I may ditch in the future if cars become self-driving and human driving is banned). For heat in the winter I can use a computer as a crypto mining rig (the computer will generate heat mining cryptos, so I can save money on heating costs!). I think getting a Ferrari any other supercar is stupid; what's the point of having a car that can go 200+ MPH when legally the fastest you can go on most highways is 80 MPH. If you want a car that gets attention, get a classic car.
    Young guys have a real problem with this. You guys in your twenties and early thirties seem to think the way you’re living now is the way you’re going to want to live for the next seventy years. Wrong. You 26-year-old guys who say you’re literally never getting married, never moving in with a woman, never having kids, and will always be single are kidding yourselves. Statistically speaking, you’re incorrect. Come back in 25 years, and I have a feeling you may have a kid or two and/or you’ll be living with a woman (or will have at least attempted to do so and fucked it up because you never thought you would do it).
    Given the worsening social and economic climates in Western countries, I personally see a higher percentage of Western men never being married well into old age over the next several decades. Look at the trend of unmarried people in Japan; almost 25% of men in that country were unmarried by age 50 in 2015 (it's probably past 25% today) compared to just 5-6% in 1990. The United States and other Western countries are going to follow Japan's "herbivore men" trend as their economies and societies continue to slowly crumble.
    What kind of life do you think you’ll want to live when you’re 50?
    By the time I'm 50 (ideally by age 30), I want to be able to make money and live off of my investments and speculations so that I don't have to work a job or run a business in order to survive (I have relatively low lifestyle requirements compared to most people... even my parents complain that I am a cheap ass). Right now I am setting myself up for that.
    Think hard: Am I really going to want to have hordes of one-night stands with chicks in Ukraine when I’m 57 years old?
    Well by the time I'm 57 (the year 2052), my sex drive will have declined precipitously and sex robots will probably be mainstream and well developed... so I'll probably be pair-bonded in some way to a hot teen-looking sex robot 😛 No idea what Ukraine will look like socially or economically in 2052

  • Glock 2020-11-24 02:41:03

    or hardcore monogamy *(after you’ve had sex with 150 women and you’re no longer capable of it).
    So guy who had five girls is capable to do monogamy?

  • Matt 2020-11-24 07:48:15

    That sucks I missed that about the transition to video and no comments before. Any chance you'll continue to send the transcripts via email as you do currently with these blog posts? As much as I love your content I will literally never watch one of your videos. Video transcripts aren't likely to read very well either but still might be better than nothing.

  • Blackdragon 2020-11-24 10:13:00

    So guy who had five girls is capable to do monogamy?
    He can be, yes, though it's no guarantee. There are certainly betas out there who have only been with a small amount of women who get married or get girlfriends and who never cheat on these women (the women just cheat on them and/or dump them).
    Any chance you’ll continue to send the transcripts via email as you do currently with these blog posts?
    Yes, transcripts will still be emailed to my current mailing list.

  • Reza Afra 2020-11-24 13:04:40

    My friend (32 y.o., beta, never married) is marrying this girl (34, divorced once). They’ve been together for 2 years and been living together for one year! The girls does like him but he’s the one who’s head over heals in love! I told them the chances of their marriage succeeding beyond 5 years is not that great. I told them in 5 years he will have changed his mind and they will have major problems. They brushed me off cause “just because your marriage fails doesn’t mean everyone else’s is going to fail”. They said they’re going strong for 2 years and want to stay together forever. I just said “suit yourself”. BD, do you think this type of marriage could last given when both parties have Disney views of marriage? I later thought well maybe I was just harsh on them. They both “believe in monogamy” the guy is supper submissive so who knows maybe, I am just saying MAYBE they can stay together 10+ years. I hope I’m wrong and their marriage lasts!

  • Blackdragon 2020-11-24 14:22:41

    My friend (32 y.o., beta, never married) is marrying this girl (34, divorced once).
    Meaning the odds she'll get divorced in this marriage are even higher.
    The girls does like him but he’s the one who’s head over heals in love!
    It's not love. It's oneitis.
    I told them the chances of their marriage succeeding beyond 5 years is not that great.
    Waste of your time. It's way too late.
    I told them in 5 years he will have changed his mind and they will have major problems.
    Incorrect. He'll never change his mind. She will get bored with him and divorce him.
    They brushed me off cause “just because your marriage fails doesn’t mean everyone else’s is going to fail”.
    Like I said. You wasted your time.
    They said they’re going strong for 2 years
    Yeah. Monogamy can work great for 2 years.
    and want to stay together forever.
    He does. She does not. Read this.
    BD, do you think this type of marriage could last
    No.
    given when both parties have Disney views of marriage?
    She's already been divorced dude.
    I later thought well maybe I was just harsh on them.
    Now you're the one losing it.
    They both “believe in monogamy”
    Everyone believes in monogamy when they have oneitis (men) or when they want a financial provider/slave (women).
    the guy is supper submissive
    I rest my case.
    I am just saying MAYBE they can stay together 10+ years.
    They won't. They won't even get close.
    I hope I’m wrong and their marriage lasts!
    It won't.

  • eric 2020-11-24 16:29:27

    Im 28. I will watchout. I have a job interview in the a.m. that may help the frogleaping process and having a steady foundation like when you went to your job at nike. will have to see what my world view flip may be. it probably will be related to wanting kids, where my main stance has been to not have kids or family.

  • Reza Afra 2020-11-24 20:27:45

    Caleb, I know it will fail particularly that her mother ran away from her father with 3 children. He owns a house so I am just worried that she might take that from him and he ends up broke!

  • STEPHEN MILES JR 2020-11-24 21:27:36

    Reza Afra - I wished when I got divorced that anyone - anyone - I knew had warned me about my ex-wife.  Reality, several people did kind of hint about things, but most did not bother, because they knew I would not listen, they told me after I was divorced.  They were right (there's my 20/20 hindsight talking!!!).  Within 1 month I promptly warned a cousin of mine about his girlfriend, and encouraged my mom to do the same - she also saw what would happen.  My cousin actually did listen, broke up with that girlfriend, and got another, who when I met her I breathed a sigh of relief-completely different energy.  That new girl - he has been married to for nearly 20 years now, they and their kids are great fun, they built a pair of businesses based on their personal passions that have done phenomenally - and they are now buying vacation rental houses that pay for themselves - and their personal vacations.  Point is - find out who else you both know that smells trouble, and have multiple close friends and family warn your friend.  Also encourage your friend to take a look at this blog - my family's experience with marriage is VERY exceptional in this day and age - I am one of very few of my family that is divorced - the rest are very long term married - they have Missions as couples - or never married.  Between my divorce, this blog and what I know personally it takes for my family members to be long term married is probably why I have not remarried, and if/when I do it will be OLTR.