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Drama: You Don’t Need It – Part 1
I've talked a lot about drama in relationships, how to avoid it and/or manage it (via not betaing yourself, never promising monogamy, lots of nexting, etc). I've also discussed the four different types of people there are when it comes to drama in relationships. In this post and the next one, I'm going to examine this topic in a way you probably have never thought of before.
-By Caleb Jones
Putting up with a woman's drama (or responding to it in kind) is also a form of giving a woman attention. As I've been saying for years, women crave attention from you more than any other single thing. More than love, more than sex, more than even security, a woman wants your attention. I'm not saying she doesn't want those other things too. I'm saying she wants attention more.
Stop paying attention to her, and she'll explode into a volcano of concern in ways that may not even bother her if you took away something else, like sex for example. (This is why soft nexts are so effective.)
All of the above explains the very common female belief of, "If you really love me, you'll put up with me being a bitch." That's what a "good boyfriend" or "good husband does". (Actually that's what a beta male does, but that's a discussion for another time, and one we've had before.)
Men are just as bad. There are plenty of men out there who honestly believe that big, regular fights are healthy and good for "self expression" in a relationship. Or something. You want her to scream at you when something is bothering her. Otherwise she'll be repressing her emotions, and OMG, we can't have that. And everyone knows, you are the ONLY place she has to dump all her negativity. So yeah, it's much better for you to be her emotional trash can and constantly be a receptacle for all of the negative shit she's feeling in her life.
Moreover, other men will advise, when she screams at you, you need to man-up and scream back at her. Otherwise you're a pussy! You're not going to just take that, are you? Fuck no! You need to logically tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and she needs to shut the fuck up and calm down RIGHT NOW. OR ELSE. That's what a real man does god dammit. At least, that's what Needy Alphas / Alpha Male 1.0s believe.
With women, beta males, and Needy Alphas harboring all of these beliefs, is it any wonder why people have non-stop drama in their relationships?
The Other Way Around
I'm going to give you the exact opposite of what you've been told your whole life. (As if I've never done that before.)
When you allow the woman in your life to give you drama, you are hurting her.
That's right. You're hurting her.
Here's three things for you more drama-prone, emotional guys:
1. You are not helping her express her feelings. As a woman, she has many, many other ways of expressing feelings besides calling you an asshole or bitching about the sock you left on the floor. She also has at least 10 other people in her life she could be yelling at in order to express her negativity. It doesn't have to be you. Nor should it. As the man in her life, the man she supposedly loves and wants to be happy, you should be the last person on her list that she considers screaming at when she's in a bad mood, not the first person.
One of the many reasons traditional monogamous marriage has become such a nightmare is because most married women, once past the three-year mark in a marriage, consider it part of her husband's "job" to be screamed at whenever she's in a bad mood. In reality, he should be the very last person on her list she should be screaming at.
2. You are not becoming more "human" together. If her dog dies, and she cries in your arms, that's more human. If she gets a new job, and you cheer and celebrate with her, that's more human. But if she's had a bad day at work then angrily screams at you on the phone about how you were 10 minutes late picking up the pizza, that's not more human. If she angrily calls you an asshole because you didn't help her in the kitchen fast enough, that's not more human. These things make both you and her less human. Her behavior is pulling both of you down to our furry primate predecessors. That's primate-level crap, not humanity.
Here's a fourth item for you more Needy Alpha types:
4. When you give her guy-drama by issuing rules or orders, you are not raising her attraction by showing her what a big badass man you are. If she really likes strong men, then perhaps temporarily you may be impressing her with your manliness. Maybe. But over the long term, all this behavior will do is drive her to look for other options. She's going to either cheat on you (assuming you're monogamous, which is always a mistake, but I digress), or leave you, or LSFNTE you, or violate the rules (if any) you have in your open relationship. All bad.
She'll seek out male validation and attention from strong, masculine men who don't give her drama or rules or lectures. In other words, men like me. (I do very, very well with the ex-girlfriends of Needy Alpha men.)
Here are three more things for every man reading this, regardless of your personality type:
5. It trains her to give you more drama, not less. When she screams at you and you put up with it, it simply tells her subconscious you will tolerate this crap in the future. So she does more of it. If she throws drama at you and you respond with your own guy-drama, it trains her that you will give her massive attention whenever she gives you drama. Thus, you've ensured she'll give you more.
Using guy-logic, you think that screaming at her or threatening her or commanding her will serve as a deterrent to future drama, when in fact it does the exact opposite. Oh, soooooo many men make this mistake!
6. It reduces her attraction for you. This should be obvious by now. By tolerating or engaging her drama, you are putting yourself in the "normal, boring, predicable" category in her mind, instead of the "mysterious, exciting" category you used to be in back when you had sex the first time.
7. It damages your self esteem and/or view of women. Over time, you're going to subconsciously start to think that "this" kind of woman is the kind of woman "for you". Or worse, you're going to start assuming that "all" women are like "this".
Then, before you realize it, you'll be bouncing from one relationship to the next, all with high-drama bitches, instead of the fun, nice women you could be with.
Drama - Not Needed
I can't say it any more simply than this: Drama is harmful and serves no purpose.
Remember, by drama, I'm referring to a very specific behavior, so check the glossary if you're unsure of what I mean here. I didn't say it serves no purpose when she cries in your arms because her best friend just moved 1000 miles away. That's perfectly fine. I'm talking about drama here. We all know what that is.
In the next blog post, I'm going to discuss drama specifically from the angle of nonmonogamous relationships.
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Maldek 2013-08-11 07:31:07
"Using guy-logic, you think that screaming at her or threatening her or commanding her will serve as a deterrent to future drama, when in fact it does the exact opposite. Oh, soooooo many men make this mistake!" Guilty
Oxyjinn 2013-08-11 10:41:25
Nice BD. Relationship management 1.0
Dean Joseph 2013-08-12 02:39:17
So basically drama is another way for attention and approval? Interesting!
space_monkey 2013-08-12 12:30:53
So the only response is a soft next?
Blackdragon 2013-08-12 13:05:58
If the drama continues for more than a minute or two, yes. Think about it...how long does it take for a woman to tell you what's bothering her? Does it really take 10 minutes? Does it even take 5 minutes? 3 minutes? No.
space_monkey 2013-08-12 16:37:41
It seems like you are talking about some specific kind of drama. Which is why you are able to say to deal with it this one way and nothing else. I think other kinds of drama can be solved by the "Needy Alpha" approach of issuing rules or just refusing to continue the conversation with her. Walking out on her or kicking her out of your home is not always the most healthy or strong way to deal with things.
LaserShow 2013-08-12 17:28:25
Hey BD, quick question: I see a girl (non-monogamously) who cries a lot, because of the fact that I won't be monogamous with her, and she's moving to a different city soon... basically she likes me too much... does this qualify as drama? I feel bad punishing her for liking too much for her own good when I TRY to be the type of person that attracts women.
obeyx 2013-08-13 01:58:44
@space_monkey I believe when BD says "drama" he is referring to unnecessary and pointless drama that is used to gain your attention and approval and is destroying your long-term happiness whether it'd be in a monogamous or a non-monogamous relationship. BD isn't referring to petty/small drama not involving yourself. And soft nexting a non-monogamous relationship isn't necessarily walking out on her or kicking her out. That's a jerk/needy alpha move. Soft nexting a woman who is giving you serious drama would be just rubbing it off like nothing happen and not falling for her attention/approval trap. Drama isn't really meant to be solved really unless it's a repetitive issue.
Blackdragon 2013-08-13 12:21:04
It seems like you are talking about some specific kind of drama. Which is why you are able to say to deal with it this one way and nothing else.Yes. Click the Glossary tab at the top of this blog for the exact definition.
I think other kinds of drama can be solved by the “Needy Alpha” approach of issuing rulesNO.
or just refusing to continue the conversation with her.YES.
Hey BD, quick question: I see a girl (non-monogamously) who cries a lot...does this qualify as drama?Great question. Crying is an interesting one. If she's crying in your presence because she's sad or mad about something that has nothing to do with you, and needs moral support, that is not drama and completely acceptable. You need to be there for her and comfort her. If she's crying in your presence because she's sad about something you did, but all she's doing is crying quietly without any screaming, demands, insults, or passive-aggressive attacks, that's not drama but it's "in that zone". It's somewhat acceptable but I would be careful that it doesn't become a pattern of behavior. If she's crying AT you, that's drama! If she's crying because she's angry AT you, and she's creating a scene because of it, that's drama. Instant soft next!
Robert 2015-12-24 09:19:32
BD,.. You sir are a GOD.!! My quick story, I have always considered myself very alpha and I have been fucking 2 very sexy woman 45 and 52 (I'm 46) and have been subjected to massive drama lately by both.. Betasising me, (yes I turned into a fucking pussy beta) drama, screaming, silent treatments etc. and I have tried everything, talking to them, even write heartfelt love letters (ashamed of myself) fighting with them rationalizing etc. Tried fucking everything and it's gotten worse and worse to point I'm permanently stressed out... For months.. Feeling like such a pussy and no where to turn I went to Internet for help and came across this website.. I decided I have no choice but to grow balls back and attempt a "soft next" Sure enough with two days both gave me massive drama,. Soft nexted one on a Tuesday and other very next day,.. Scared shitless I was going to lose one or both (they are hot classy women) I held my balls and did it,. By the book.. And went and fucked another woman...5 days went by and nothing, I was sweating it, these are 2 very prime pieces of ass.. I was nervous and worried... Then "BAM" Day 6 first one calls super sweet and calm overly apologetic invites me over immediately for dinner and to fuck.!! She answered door wearing nothing but panties!!! Then "BAM" day 7 next one calls super apologizing to me promising to never repeat her awful behavior,.. By the book I immediately go for the close to get pussy.. She says she has her kids in town for Christmas and house is full.. Then volunteers to get us a room at the 4 Star Sheraton downtown!! Becouse she said she has making up to do!! Black Dragon.. You are a God amongst men.. I am ordering all your books.. And will be changing gods.. You are now my God!!!
Blackdragon 2015-12-24 10:18:20
Then “BAM” Day 6 first one calls super sweet and calm overly apologetic invites me over immediately for dinner and to fuck.!! She answered door wearing nothing but panties!!! Then “BAM” day 7 next one calls super apologizing to me promising to never repeat her awful behavior.Soft nexting works, if you do it right, which you did. Well done, and don't hesitate to do it again when you need to (and you will).
richey 2016-04-16 02:34:54
Do you ever set rules and frames that you dont put up with drama early on?, or do you just shut up as soon as she screams say nothing more and leave her to work it out in the soft next. I guess my point is if I set a frame on early in, and 8 months down the line she brakes it, i soft next her and she is sending me messages thinking its something totally different about her being busy. I ask beacuse you say you pick up right where you left off. So she she doesn't know what the bad behaviour is, does it matter how long I soft next her for? Do I need to make it a short soft next 7 days so,when we pick up again do I just wait till the conversation comes round to bad behavior again and soft next again with a longer one.? will this kind of rinsing and repeating not be as effective the second time round?. I feel like her braking of my rule is a serious one, however, because it took me sometime to work out if she did brake the rule she now thinks the soft next is something else. Do I need to sleep with her before starting a second next? or if I start a second one without us having some quality time will this look like sulking? i have some work commitments for the next 6 weeks we cant sleep together.Or is it better to make it a long soft next for six weeks meet sleep with her start a second soft next so its more effective?.
Blackdragon 2016-04-18 10:46:08
Do you ever set rules and frames that you dont put up with drama early on?Rules, no. That's Alpha 1.0. Frame, yes, massive frame. Your entire EFA for the first several months should be that you're a low-drama guy who doesn't tolerate any drama from others.
So she she doesn’t know what the bad behaviour is, does it matter how long I soft next her for?You should not verbalize anything. She'll know why you're doing it. Women might be insane, but they aren't stupid.
Do I need to make it a short soft next 7 days so,when we pick up again do I just wait till the conversation comes round to bad behavior again and soft next again with a longer one.? will this kind of rinsing and repeating not be as effective the second time round?The opposite. It will be more effective the second time around, because likely you'll never need to do it a third time. It's extremely rare I have to soft next a woman more than 2-3 times. They're fast learners.
Do I need to sleep with her before starting a second next?Nexting is only for women you're having sex with already. But no, you just next when needed. When you have sex is not relevant.