I Crashed The Republican CNN Presidental Debate

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I Crashed The Republican CNN Presidental Debate

I swear I didn't plan this, but when you travel as much as I do things like this occasionally happen. As I type this, I'm in Vegas with my daughter. A few days ago on the 15th, we were walking around outside and saw big CNN signs talking about a Republican presidential debate. I wondered aloud, "Hey, I bet they're going to have a debate here soon."

-By Caleb Jones

After looking around a bit, we both realized that the Republican debate was actually in Vegas, that night, starting in just a few hours, just a few hundred feet from where we were standing. It was going to be held at the Venetian, just two hotels over from the Wynn where we were staying.

My daughter got very excited, and wanted to go back to our hotel room to watch the debate. She's a left-leaning libertarian and loves listening to politicians she hates, particularly Ted Cruz (who amazingly is now in the top three contenders for Republican nominee). I told her we should do the next best thing and crash the party, sneak in, and check out the action first hand. She had no interest but still wanted to watch the debate.

We went back to the hotel room, and she got cozy and started watching the debate on CNN. I threw on my suit and tie, went down to the Wynn lobby, played some blackjack according to my usual system, won $280, then walked out of the Wynn, through the Palazzo, and into the Venetian.

It didn't take much detective work to find out where the debate was being held. CNN, RNC, and Venetian security were all over the place. Wolfgang Puck's restaurant was completely taken over by CNN. There were helpful RNC staffers in key locations to help direct people, so I asked them where the debate was being held and they told me with cheerful smiles.

Instead of being held in one of the large ballrooms, the RNC had actually rented out the entire Venetian Theater. Once I was there, there were mobs of well-dressed Republicans out in the lobby. I was wearing a suit and tie and I don't have any facial hair at the moment, so I looked very Republican and fit right in. I prepared a few comments about how I Love America™ and Obama Sucks™ and Trump Can Return Our Country To Greatness™ (only one of those three things I actually believe, the one about Obama) just in case I needed them to look more the part, but fortunately they weren't needed.

I tried to actually enter the theater but was stopped by RNC security asking for my credentials. I had to try not to laugh at the irony. Oh well. It was towards the end of the debate and mobs of Republicans were already streaming out.

I talked to a few of them and they were all pumped about this candidate or that candidate. Sadly, right wingers are addicted to the false narrative of If We Just Vote For Someone Strong We Can Turn This Country Around™, which is sadly untrue. Our last chance to fix America was during the mid-1990s, and that was a long time ago. I love what America once was, but today's M'erica is no longer a fixable system and is well past the point of no return. Now it's a just a matter of wait and see when people start actually noticing the Slow Collapse.

Anyway, I had fun. I didn't see anyone super famous but I took a few pics anyway. I ended up watching chunks of the debate after I got back to my hotel room. Just the usual Republican stuff about how I have to pay a bunch of taxes so some warmongering Republican assholes can bomb a bunch of brown people in the Middle East and make them hate us even more than they already do.

Yeah. Great plan. It's worked out so well so far. Of course our most likely next president (Hillary the Lizard Queen) is the biggest warmonger in the Democrat party and will do the same exact thing, dropping bombs with a smile on her angry lizard face.

Like I said, when both of the only two allowed parties are doing all the wrong things, America is no longer a fixable system. Fun to watch from a distance though. Is it 2025 yet?

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This article was originally published on December 17, 2015

Comments


  • Lachlan 2015-12-18 13:16:45

    Haha, that's epic! The best part was where you won $280 on blackjack 😀 I miss Vegas.