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De Facto Monogamy
-By Caleb Jones
Lately my MLTR (or OLTR) has been stirring up the drama. Everything was fine for a few months but now she’s constantly complaining about . Like the other day, she was bitching about and a few days ago she screamed at me about . I’ve been following all the relationship rules you talk about, like seeing her once a week, not texting too much, etc, and they were working great, but lately they don’t seem to be working any more. A few months ago, I stopped having sex with other girls because I got lazy . What's going on? What should I do?
Eagle-eyed readers already know exactly what the problem is before I even point it out. Isn’t it odd that he has no idea what he’s done wrong? Or that all this drama is his fault? Because it’s related to the one thing that causes most girl-drama in the first place? Even if you do everything else right?
Seriously, I really do get this question all the time. I’ve seen it on forums many times as well. Let’s define exactly what the problem is and how he has caused it.
The Three “Assumed” Categories of Relationships
When most people hear the word “monogamy” they usually assume, as I assume, that we’re talking about a couple who have verbally promised in some way to not be sexual with other people. Don’t fuck other people and I promise I won’t either. That’s monogamy. In many cases these promises are lies, particularly if the man is an Alpha or if the woman is under the age of 23, but that’s a topic for another time.
Nonmonogamy is usually the opposite, particularly polyamory which is one type of nonmonogamy. This is where a couple has verbally defined that they are allowed get sexual with other people under whatever ground rules they both establish. Under the system I discuss, this is “The Talk” that I describe in one of my books, plus a second "OLTR Talk" talk that only OLTRs receive. It’s when the nonmonogamous aspect of the relationship is clearly verbalized and agreed to by both parties.
The more serious the nonmonogamous relationship is, the more rules there are. In an FB relationship, there are no rules at all. In an MLTR, there are few if any. In an OLTR, there are several. In a live-in OLTR, or OLTR marriage, there are several more, but even then, the number of rules is far fewer than the typical monogamous relationship, even if the two aren’t living together. One of the reasons nonmonogamy is so attractive is that there less rules to follow and limitations on your freedom and long-term happiness.
If you’re dating and having sex with someone relatively new, but haven’t had any talk about the relationship yet, most normal people assume (correctly) that the relationship is not monogamous (yet) and that they are allowed to get funky with other people. Even normal, everyday monogamous people generally assume this.
I’ve talked at length about how men screw this up and act like mono-boyfriends even if they aren't, giving women the assumption that the relationship is monogamous even when it is not (and causing all kinds of needless problems). (Hit the archive of this blog to do more reading on that).
There are also needy people, religious people, and/or many women over age 33 who automatically assume that the instant you have sex the first time you are in effect “promising” 100% monogamy even if you've said nothing about it, but these ridiculous idiots are thankfully the exceptions to the rule. As I always say, it's not 1952 any more, and pretending it is will simply cause you pain and frustration.
Those are the three categories people generally assume relationships fall into. Promised monogamous, nonmonogamous, or “dating” and not yet monogamous.
However, there’s a fourth category most people know nothing about.
De Facto Monogamy
Sexual monogamy is defined as two people having sex with each other but neither are getting sexual with anyone else. This is why if you are cheating on someone, or they are cheating on you, you’re not monogamous, regardless of what was promised or what the two of you present to the outside world. It might feel like monogamy, but it isn’t. One of you is having sex with multiple people, therefore you are not in a monogamous relationship. This is why I always describe these cheating relationships as “monogamous” with quotes, instead of monogamous.
If you’re cheating, or have recently cheated, on your girlfriend or wife, you may argue that you are monogamous, but you’re not. You’re certainly pair-bonded, but you’re not monogamous. You’re fucking multiple people, so you’re nonmonogamous, just like me. You’re just doing it under a different (and far inferior) model than the one I’m using. The same goes for if you’re a cuckold, and your wife or girlfriend is fucking someone else when you aren’t. You are monogamous, but you’re not in a monogamous relationship. It just sort of feels like you are.
This concept also works in reverse, and here’s how it happens. If you have two MLTRs and one FB, you’re nonmonogamous. Assuming you’re managing these relationships correctly, you’re reaping all the benefits of a nonmonogamous lifestyle.
Let’s say your FB does what all FBs eventually do; she gets a temporary monogamous boyfriend or husband, LSNFTEs you, and she's gone. You shrug and don’t care. You really like your favorite MLTR and somewhat like your other MLTR, so you let it slide and you let her go. It’s the Alpha Male 2.0 thing to do. Good job.
Let’s say a few months later your second MLTR starts floating away. You start seeing her less and less. It’s not anything conscious for either of you. It’s just one of those things. Plus, you really like your main MLTR and she’s satisfying all of your emotional and sexual needs even though you’re still following all the usual nonmonogamous relationship rules. So the fact that your second MLTR is floating away doesn’t really bother you.
One day, you realize you haven’t seen your second MLTR for six weeks. All you’ve got now is your main MLTR. You know you probably should get back out there and get some new women, but you don’t feel like it. Your main girl is plenty, you’ve been really busy with work lately, and blah blah blah excuse blah blah pussy blah blah beta blah blah lazy blah blah.
Congratulations, you are now monogamous.
Guess what? That girl you’re calling your “MLTR” or “OLTR” isn’t either. She’s now your monogamous girlfriend. That’s right, pal. She’s your GF.
“No she’s not! She’s my MLTR! I don’t take her out on fancy dates and I only see her once a week and I follow all the other rules.”
Yeah, but you’re not having sex with anyone else other than her. That means you’re monogamous. You can say you’re nonmonogamous or open or poly or any other words that make you feel comfortable. Doesn’t matter what you say. What matters is what you are. Just like I’ve had married-but-cheating men on this very blog scream at me that they’re monogamous. They can scream all they want, but they’re still not monogamous. Pair-bonded, but not monogamous.
So you can say you’re in an MLTR and I can say I’m a turnip. Does it really matter what we say? Nope. All that matters is who we really are and what we’re actually doing.
By the way, not only are you monogamous, but she knows it. Even if you haven’t told her this, she still knows it, because women’s intuition is very good in this area. She can feel the betaness emanating from you, even if you can’t. This creates a monogamous frame to match the monogamous relationship and then, voilà! Say hello to all the usual drama and betaization all other monogamous men have to deal with on a regular basis.
“No! I’m not monogamous! I never promised her that! We never discussed it!”
Still doesn’t matter. De facto monogamy is when you are truly monogamous (you’re not fucking anyone else except her) without actually saying it or making any promises. De facto monogamy is just as bad as promised monogamy, except that you have delayed the usual monogamy drama by a few months. Other than that, it’s monogamy baby!
This is why these de facto monogamous guys who say they have a MLTR or OLTR are confused as to why they’re getting all this monogamy drama. It’s because they’re monogamous. She’s not a MLTR or OTLR, she’s a girlfriend. Girlfriends are drama. That’s how monogamy works.
If it makes you feel any better, many years ago I made this mistake myself. When I was first mastering these concepts, I was dating three different women, all of whom I liked. My least favorite floated away, then my second favorite floated away, leaving me with my favorite. I didn’t go get any new women because I didn’t feel like it, and I figured it would be fine. I could always go get some more later if I needed them, right? (Oh BD, you dumbass.)
After about three months of my de facto monogamy, guess what started to happen? Drama. She started getting snippy in ways no other woman had been before (when I wasn’t monogamous). Fortunately, I understood what was going on, so I nexted her ass (which was painful, because I really liked her) and quickly got three more women. That was early 2008 and I’ve never had that problem since, because I’ve never been monogamous since, de facto or otherwise. I learn from my mistakes and I don’t repeat them. The last time I’ve had to soft next a woman, for any reason, was almost two years ago.
(By the way, that woman came back to me, many times, including just last year. As usual, nothing was truly lost by nexting. This is why nexting is so much better than breakups.)
Always remember that if you ever get down to just one woman, and keep it at one woman because you’re being a lazy little bitch, you are monogamous. You are going to start getting monogamy drama and problems even if you’re doing everything else correctly, because you’re not following the most important rule of them all: never get sexually monogamous.
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Ben 2016-02-25 05:30:56
A man who finds himself in the scenario you've described is probably a ways into the betaization process, and it's likely no coincidence that his other MLTRs/FBs recently drifted away.
Mario Favela 2016-02-25 05:53:07
Solid post. It's hard to argue against any of this. But there's one possibility I'd like to add: A man who's currently in a de-facto monogamy relationship, who has had The Talk, who's currently down to just the one girl after the others floated away, BUT who's still actively gaming (online & day game). Obviously it's best to actually have more than one woman on active rotation. But just the fact that he's still sharpening the saw thru approach (and she knows it & she encourages it ) helps him keep the relationship stronger & drama to minimum. PS - BD, what comment system are you using? Plugin or theme default? Really like the 'edit' options here.
BlindIo 2016-02-25 06:13:50
Hypothetically, would a poly arrangement with two girls be less drama prone than having just one girl, even if those two girls are the only ones you have sex with and they both know it? Hypothetical two, what if you are only having sex with one girl but you are ready and willing to dump her ass if she starts the drama and she knows it?
Anon. 2016-02-25 07:29:34
But will you be ready and willing if you have no other girl? It seems obvious that if around a girl you act like you have other girls, then her reactions will be the same regardless of whether said other girls exist. But you may have a hard time acting in such a way if, for example, you have no one to go to when she’s unavailable for any reason. I have recently acquired two, one that I like very much and one less so. The former has pressed the question of whether I’m seeing other girls, I joked and changed the subject the first few times, then just said I refuse to give any answer, which she verbalized multiple times she took for a yes, and that’s where I plan to leave the issue for the time being. Bringing them into my life has been quite exhausting for someone new to Blackdragonism (though to think of the alternatives...), so what sounds like a sensible thing to do now is to idly browse the dating sites, messaging only girls of the very highest quality. Maybe that’s what someone finding himself in the situation BD described should do.
Carmichael Red 2016-02-25 07:52:24
In the example I noticed most guys don't soft next either. If you're not soft nexting for the side chick you are in a mono. Not texting her all the time and not texting her because she's acting like a bitch are two different things.
FiveSix 2016-02-25 07:54:05
BlintIO... For 1.) I don't think you can get a scientific answer to this question, since there are so many variables that create drama. For the couple years I've practiced non-monogamy, I've come across 1 (of 7) who eventually gave me unacceptable drama. Others might gave a little bit of drama that's still within my acceptable levels, nothing's perfect. For 2.) This will only work if you can prove you'll dump her ass, and if you'll be a-o-k with no sex for extended periods of time as the relationship matures and the NRE wears off, you get bored, she get's fat, you get fat, or she gets bored with you, et cetera...
Carmichael Red 2016-02-25 08:07:20
Hypothetical two, what if you are only having sex with one girl but you are ready and willing to dump her ass if she starts the drama and she knows it?In my experience guys don't have the balls and work ethic to dump a girl. They'll put up with almost anything to the point the girl gets tired of it and dumps his ass. This is the pre disposition of a beta. They secretly like it.
and if you’ll be a-o-k with no sex for extended periods of time as the relationship maturesThat's the relationship from hell. But very normal.
Diggy 2016-02-25 08:17:10
Basically how every relationship started for me before the age of 30. Just go with it until she doesn't want to have sex with you anymore, cry about it for a few months, lather, rinse, repeat. And I was better than most of my friends... Man, now in my late 30's I'm blowing most of my friends away.
Hypothetically, would a poly arrangement with two girls be less drama prone than having just one girl, even if those two girls are the only ones you have sex with and they both know it?I'm curious this too BD, maybe a future post. I have a cohabitation SO. Very Bi. She wants a gf. Great for me. Seems like it would lift some of the attention off of me. Although, I doubt we would only be sleeping with the third 100% of the time year round...
POB 2016-02-25 08:35:51
The "label" is far less important than reality. I couldn't agree more that women sense it when a guy is not getting some elsewhere. It's the same when they sense you're not being monogamous. We give away stuff we're not aware of all the time. They "know", but at the same time they don't know that they know. Also there is a lot of girls who secretly wish to convert a player. They'll test you on everything (including your deepest feelings). Never hurts to be careful.
Ben 2016-02-25 08:52:50
I have recently acquired two, one that I like very much and one less so. The former has pressed the question of whether I’m seeing other girls, I joked and changed the subject the first few times, then just said I refuse to give any answer, which she verbalized multiple times she took for a yes, and that’s where I plan to leave the issue for the time being.Why not just be honest? The worst case scenario is that she leaves. Big deal.
Diggy 2016-02-25 08:56:39
Also there is a lot of girls who secretly wish to convert a player.I believe this is the male counterpart to Too Shorts, "You can't make a hoe a housewife." I don't think its to "convert" a player as much as they want a bad boy that makes life exciting and wet. They also want a man that is monogamous and only there for them. Have their cake and eat it too. I believe BD has covered this a few times.
maldek 2016-02-25 09:12:23
"A few months ago, I stopped having sex with other girls because I got lazy " Let me translate this. "I got lazy and all my girls have dumped me. My last girl is now my only source of sex and I have been needy and clingy. She did sense all this and is now in the process of dumping me like all the other girls did. This is soooo unfair." Solution: Stop beeing such a wuss and get back to the version of you who could get these girls interested in the first place. Many people make this mistake mono/no-mono/semi-mono/quasi-mono does not matter, mono married for 25 years? -> same story, same problem. it leads to the same result. The core of this problem is male weakness. Do not become weak.
Anon. 2016-02-25 09:24:08
Why not just be honest? The worst case scenario is that she leaves. Big deal.BD suggests not being upfront with this for a while, he calls this The Talk. He’s written much on this subject on the blog. Let’s see whether he’s as right about this as he has been right about other things : )
Blackdragon 2016-02-25 10:35:42
A man who’s currently in a de-facto monogamy relationship, who has had The Talk, who’s currently down to just the one girl after the others floated away, BUT who’s still actively gaming (online & day game).That's only okay if the de facto monogamy is very, very temporary, as in less than one month, while he goes out and quickly gets new women. If he's having sex again with 2 or more women within a month or so, then he's disorganized and he needs to improve, but he's okay. What's NOT okay (if you want a nonmonogamous lifestyle) is to be de facto monogamous but then brag about how you're somehow not or how that's somehow different because you still "game" girls or you keep "practicing gaming" even though you're only fucking one woman. I see lots of guys make this stupid excuse. Nope, if you're not at least semi-regularly putting your cock inside at least one other woman, you're still monogamous regardless of how cool you are or what you've told your GF, and your "practice" won't have any affect on the eventual drama and betaization you'll start getting from your girlfriend.
what comment system are you using?Plugins. Ajax Edit Comments and Decent Comments.
Hypothetically, would a poly arrangement with two girls be less drama prone than having just one girl, even if those two girls are the only ones you have sex with and they both know it?Yes, provided it was a FB, MLTR, or polyamorous arrangement. It would not work in a polygamous arrangement. (Polygamy is high-drama, which is why I don't endorse it.) You also need to make sure that both women are hot, and both women know it. If you have one hottie and one average one, that's not going to work. And, as I talked about a few weeks ago, ideally the more important of the two is slightly less hot. I would love to have just two women, forever. But that's been very hard for me to put together (since the lower one always eventually LSNFTEs, forcing me to get new girls; this is why I never have less than 3 on rotation, though I'd prefer just 2). I've always said that my version of Disney (that will never happen) would be one hot, sex-positive OLTR in her 30s or 40s and one slightly hotter FB on the side in her early 20s, and neither of these women ever get too dramatic, fat, or leave. Again, not gonna happen, but it's a happy thought.
Hypothetical two, what if you are only having sex with one girl but you are ready and willing to dump her ass if she starts the drama and she knows it?Nope. That's monogamy, and monogamous men, even if they're former players, DON'T NEXT. You think you'll next her if she gives you any drama, but you won't. I've seen it hundreds of times.
The former has pressed the question of whether I’m seeing other girls, I joked and changed the subject the first few times, then just said I refuse to give any answer, which she verbalized multiple times she took for a yesExactly. When you don't answer the question in a confident, outcome independent manner, women know the answer, which is yes. Women aren't stupid and have more intuition about this stuff than we do. But if you verbalize the answer, then you're in for drama and likely a breakup. If your response is, "So what if she leaves?" that's fine, but you'll never have any long-term relationships that way, just a long string of very short ones. So it depends on what you want. I personally don't like short-term relationships, but that's me.
CrabRangoon 2016-02-25 11:26:17
@POB, There's a good entry on this site about the Submissive Alpha that women want which doesn't exist. They generally go for the submissive beta when the biological clock is about to blow and they need a stable provider for kids. Then they of course get very bored down the road with him and go back to finding guys that give them the tingles. I've seen it in my own social circle many times-in fact I've been the guy they fuck after the the boredom sets in a couple times. It's sadly predictable but people keep pressing on thinking it won't happen to them, using the same broken relationship model assuming "it must be the other person...can't be the system".
Carmichael Red 2016-02-25 13:20:24
BD, what's a fuccboi? Women's media and liberal rappers hate him.
Yoda 2016-02-25 14:12:00
BD, why do modern women have so much ASD?
FiveSix 2016-02-25 14:25:54
Carmichael Red 2016-02-25 15:04:19
i know the actual term of a fuccboi. all the definitions are written from a women's or urban pov. to be more specific can a fuccboi (even if he aint about shit) be more effective in a FB, MLTR, OLTR if he toned down the dick pics than the normal dude. Can a fuccboi be alpha 2.0? He certainly has his options open compared to mr.oneitis
Blackdragon 2016-02-25 18:36:21
BD, why do modern women have so much ASD?Read through the archive. I've discussed that in many articles in great detail.
to be more specific can a fuccboi (even if he aint about shit) be more effective in a FB, MLTR, OLTR if he toned down the dick pics than the normal dude. Can a fuccboi be alpha 2.0?There is no consensus as to what fuccoi / fuckboy means. I've seen it mean "pussy" and I've seen it mean "asshole player." The current definition is "any guy a girl doesn't like." The answer to your question is that any man can become successful with women and/or Alpha 2.0 given time and effort unless he's mentally retarded, clinically insane, hideously ugly, or weighs 600 pounds or something. (And even then, if he makes enough money he may be able to fix those appearance problems via cosmetic surgery).
Carmichael Red 2016-02-25 19:20:01
The current definition is “any guy a girl doesn’t like.”This is the feeling I'm getting. you're very good at what you do. this is a very enjoyable blog.
Yoda 2016-02-26 00:48:25
Read through the archive. I’ve discussed that in many articles in great detail.Sorry, can you be more specific? You have written thousands of articles to read through them.
Anon. 2016-02-26 04:17:59
Second that. I just searched the blog for ASD and read all the relevant articles, and it confirmed what I remembered from reading them earlier: this important subject has been thinly spread over many articles. So a post centered on ASD might be in order. Here’s a good framework for such a post: https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2015/09/03/womens-three-fantasy-archetypes/ . While this might not be apparent at the first glance, I think of these archetypes as women’s own counter-ASD measures. Here’s how: A woman wants to feel respected by her man, not to feel guilty herself, and to be able to brag to her friends. These are the three counterparts to the three fantasy archetypes, three possible sources of slut shaming. A woman whose biggest fear is her own man thinking of her as a slut, will play the role of a Pretty Pretty Princess that slowly succumbs to seduction. A woman who fears her own love of sex will get herself chained to the bed and disclaim all responsibility, playing the Submissive role. A woman who fears being judged by her friends plays the Overcome with Passion role, she wants to be able to tell them that “it just happened”. So one has to make sure neither he, nor the woman herself, nor her friends are perceived to judge her in her mind.
Captain 2016-02-26 05:52:12
If you have a good main women it's easy to get complacent. So it really comes down to not letting complacency happen. This is a timely post for me as I have been getting lazy about approaching and falling into some beta tendencies with the main girl who has become the only girl. Due to my own realizations and this blog, I have begun the process of diversification. I have 2 dates with new women lined up and am going to get out and about all weekend for daygame.
PatrickEdwardBrown 2016-02-26 07:17:12
"A few months ago, I stopped having sex with other girls because..." ^^^ Yeah, this.
PatrickEdwardBrown 2016-02-26 07:50:48
Love the blog BD. Thanks for all of your insights. The older I get, and I'm 44 now, I've come to realize in terms of sex and relations with women that the killers to "having a good thing going" are jealousy, neediness, and ego. Right off the bat a girl should get your frame just based on your vibe alone that you are and will be having sex with other women and it should be assumed on your part that she's doing the same. Most guys don't even want to hear details about the sex with other men and will put in place rules that there will be no "sex talk" about the others in their lives. This in itself IS jealousy as well as letting her know that your own ego has to have a shield otherwise your feewings will be hurt, regardless of how Alpha you consider yourself to be. I have no issues with talking about sex with women and discuss it in a light, almost joking manner. The "I don't give a F---" attitude is a major turn-on for most women and can be an entertaining topic. If one can ditch the jealousy and get to the point of zen with ego, it will be smooth sailing. Most women under a certain age just want to have fun, have plenty of sex and not deal with any drama. The young ones have many options and if you're behaving needy in any way, don't be surprised if you're the one being nexted.
POB 2016-02-26 11:27:34
I don’t think its to “convert” a player as much as they want a bad boy that makes life exciting and wet. They also want a man that is monogamous and only there for them. Have their cake and eat it too. I believe BD has covered this a few times.@Diggy They want both. The bad boy AND to convert the bad boy into a BF/HB (the unicorn man fable who's already been discussed here). Let me give you an example. One of my best friends is a player and Alpha. He's got sex left and right and does not give two cents about what people think about him. But he's been seeing this chick for about two, two and a half years. He never promised her monogamy, but at the same time he does not use any of the stuff we do regarding dating and relationships. Well, she patiently waited before finally making her move. They are "exclusive" now. The funny thing is I saw it coming from miles away. She pushed the right buttons, looked away when it was convenient and made him drop every barrier to commit to a "serious" relationship. Unfortunately my friend did not have the balls to next her ass and is now trying to "make her behave" (yes, he's turning Alpha 1.0). BTW, I know her and like her, she's really nice. My guess is she's just really smart about getting what she wants. Now compare that to typical women. They would've either dumped his ass a long time ago or got a beta BF and continued to fuck him on the side. Is it his fault? Of course it is. But a woman who's got options waiting this whole time to go mono with a guy? Strange, isn't it? Also BD has covered non-monogamous relationships a few times, but that does not stop guys from screwing up again and again. @Crab Right now I'm fucking an older woman who's asking me advice on how to get back with her husband (he left and now wants to come back). I know the pattern.
Blackdragon 2016-02-26 15:22:34
So a post centered on ASD might be in order.Ok. I have talked about it many times before, but I've added "Why Women Have ASD" to the topic list, and it will essentially include links to all the other articles where I've talked about it in detail.
If you have a good main women it’s easy to get complacent. So it really comes down to not letting complacency happen.Correct. And it seems this is essentially impossible for most men.
Right off the bat a girl should get your frame just based on your vibe alone that you are and will be having sex with other women and it should be assumed on your part that she’s doing the same.Correct, however, you need to add to that: "And I will NEVER change."
Carmichael Red 2016-02-26 19:44:14
100% of the guys i know throw their dreams away (if they had any to begin with) until they get dumped and pretend nothing happened. alot of guys would be alot happier if they didn't compromise their manhood for validation from the opposite sex.
Michael 2016-02-27 01:25:54
I'm just wondering BD, is the drama directed at men because in most cases they are only accepted rather than chosen by women? If men were handpicked and chosen by women (so long as their looks can afford it), they might be given more slack and less drama perhaps?
Yoda 2016-02-27 03:06:14
Ok. I have talked about it many times before, but I’ve added “Why Women Have ASD” to the topic list, and it will essentially include links to all the other articles where I’ve talked about it in detail.Why women have ASD is in general well documented in the manosphere. The emphasis of my question was put on 'so much'. There have been times, like the ancient Rome, where you could have sex with your slaves and your wife didn't give you any bullshit about it whatsoever. So, why so much ASD? It is like women want to sabotage themselves. They are sexually attracted to a man and virtually for no reason they will do nothing with him, just because he came from a cold approach or an online game application. I am not talking of just delaying sex, but nexting him because of ASD. We live in 2016, Jesus. We now have contraception, to be afraid of having a pregnancy like in prehistorical times.
MrJ 2016-02-27 08:25:35
This is so true. My main girl LSNFTEed me (again) couple of weeks ago. I did some thinking and came to conclusion that every time she did it, I was de-facto mono with her.
Blackdragon 2016-02-27 10:01:55
The emphasis of my question was put on ‘so much’. There have been times, like the ancient Rome...I've discussed that in detail as well. Again, you need to read the archive. If you don't want to take the time to do that, you'll have to wait until I make my summary post.
Blackdragon 2016-02-29 10:25:55
I’m just wondering BD, is the drama directed at men because in most cases they are only accepted rather than chosen by women? If men were handpicked and chosen by women (so long as their looks can afford it), they might be given more slack and less drama perhaps?Yes. I have less drama because I next women who are higher drama, or at a minimum keep them at arm's length at the distant FB level. You're correct as long as you don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can screen for a woman who is zero or near-zero drama. In a more serious relationship, ALL women will give you drama eventually.
Travelove 2016-03-02 19:18:46
Ok, here's a question you probably wont't answer since it's stupid shit you probably hear all the time, but here it goes anyway. I probably read all your blog entries and I believe 100% of what you say and I've put your lifestile advice in motion and started my harems and all you say checks out. This being said, I met Special Girl(TM) and although I have no fantasies whatsoever about she not being AWALT, I do want to start a family and she's pushed me into monogamy. I have fantasies about this being forever, but yeah I know it won't be. I am, however, in a country where divorce laws don't fuck men in the ass, and I can reasonably expect to be in good shape when shit hits the fan. What I want to know is, when shit starts going downhill, what is your advice to move the relationship towards an open marriage when it was supposedly monogamous to start with, assuming I'm not averse to risking a divorce if it doesn't pan out.
Blackdragon 2016-03-02 19:47:55
I do want to start a family and she’s pushed me into monogamy.She didn't push you into anything. YOU pushed you into monogamy. Take responsibility for your actions. You pussed out and got oneitis and CHOSE monogamy. Admit it. If you think monogamy is required to start a family, then clearly you don't "agree 100%" with what I write.
I have fantasies about this being forever, but yeah I know it won’t be. I am, however, in a country where divorce laws don’t fuck men in the ass, and I can reasonably expect to be in good shape when shit hits the fan. What I want to know is, when shit starts going downhill, what is your advice to move the relationship towards an open marriage when it was supposedly monogamous to start with, assuming I’m not averse to risking a divorce if it doesn’t pan out.You're doing this all wrong. Going from a monogamous marriage to an open one is 10x harder than starting an open one from ground zero. I can't advise you. (Other than to tell her you're going to open up the relationship right now and if she doesn't like it she can leave; but you have oneitis so we both know you're not going to do that). Opening up a marriage is not the second step to getting monogamous and married. That's stupid in the extreme. Rather, it's an emergency measure only for married guys who are already married and didn't know any better. You don't have that excuse. You're on the complete wrong path, and I feel really sorry for your future children.
Travelove 2016-03-03 08:46:38
Damnit you're right. I pussed out.
Mc 2020-06-15 18:24:37
Hey BD, I realize this is an old article but there's something interesting I noticed in relation to girls I am/was dating. It's happened before where I've become de facto monogamous, and I didn't like it but it did happen. Oddly, despite this happening, the girl I'd been seeing at the time (happened on a few different occasions, separately), still suspected me of seeing other girls. During this time, I had followed all the other cardinal rules as closely as possible, aside from the "see multiple women" one, obviously. Anyhow, I always try my best to follow the cardinal rules, as the benefit is massive. However, what do you think of girls still suspecting me of being non-monogamous at the time, despite being de facto monogamous? I found it fascinating how you mentioned girls have a sixth sense of sorts for knowing when a man is only seeing her, and I'd be inclined to believe it. However, my past experiences have made me curious. If you or anyone has any thoughts on this, I'd love to hear it. Once again BD, thank you for all you've done. Years ago, I never would have thought this kind of reality could be achievable for me, and for that, I am grateful.
Carlos 2020-07-18 00:02:45
I know this is an old article BD but I just want to thank you mate. Everything you said, even though you don't need anyone to say it, is absolutely spot on. I have been reading a lot of what you wrote and I have bought your books. I'm in a relationship that span over over 15 years and though I love her, I now see, she loves the idea of love, not the guy. And it's monogamous because I haven't fucked another woman but even when I haven't, drama is kicking off. I don't mean small drama. I mean she is back and forth everyday with same subject, about me and other women, to also leaving town, taking her things, and still trying to converse to change my mind in path I am now following. Being in a monogamous to have it open is difficult. I wish I knew what I know now, I'd have 4 women so they all know including her I am not monogamous. Saying it is not enough, and it's a lie if you don't really live it. Woman know a Beta no matter how good a man good game is. If he isn't having sex with 2-3 women, he's done. He's toast. Oh yes, we had that "TALK." Now I know what you mean by it. Over and over it goes but this time, I know what's going on. I know by reading your work, I see everything you wrote in your books and blogs turning like clock work. It's not that she's evil or bad, but it's in a woman's nature. It's who they are and they just cannot help it and this drama is a process for them to Betaziseing the man. Now I have the painful time because I am in a situation and I have none to blame but my own. I have to take responsibility and accountability for my own ignorance and way I did things way back. Was difficult as I came from religious background. Still, I got my confirmation. I got it loud and clear. All you said played out exactly what you warned, step by step, as clear as day and even words they use, actions they do, everything! The only thing I did wrong, the only thing is started monogamous. Never again. This is a 50 year old man guys. I am warn every young guy today. Do not go Monogamy. You're going to find out it will rob you of everything so the woman can have you under her thumb, playing by her rules so she feels safe, under control and boast to everyone she has Romeo. It's toxic. It will have you feel shit. The drama is toxic, it will HARM you mentally, emotionally and physically. It will destroy you and I am not saying these words lightly. Even if the woman says she loves you, even when she tries to do good for you, even when she does this and that. It's all nothing but with an agenda to betasize you. She will go to whatever length to do it too and when she fails, all that goodness you once saw in her, disappears and she goes crazy, on over drive like a train wreck coming. I have to start from beginning at aged 50 but it's better than the hell Monogamy has in store. Even if it means being homeless. It's better than hell with Monogamy and the toxicness it comes with. Young men, you know how dangerous Monogamy is. Why do you think in our Culture, we have four women, and get criticised by the west? Because women know that if they misbehave like this, you got 3 more. That you are an Alpha and she knows when you're one. When you're not just...having sex with her. I should never have come to west as a kid. I'd have been 50 at home with four women and even if divource happens, system gives me everything! That's why women in the country I come from don't create that kind of drama. Thanks BD. I mean it mate. Thanks for your content, your books I bought. You woke me up and if it weren't for your books, your blog, I'd not know what is happening, why but now I know. I'd be lost, thinking I have no solution when there is. Thanks!