Alpha Male Fairy Tales: Beauty and the Beast

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Alpha Male Fairy Tales: Beauty and the Beast

-By Caleb Jones

Once upon a time, there lived a young, beautiful, carefree schizophrenic named Belle. She lived in a distant village with her eccentric father, Maurice, who spent most of the day smoking reefer with his pipe.

Always deep into her psychosis, she spent most of her days frolicking in the forest and talking to various creatures that didn’t exist. One day, the sun “spoke” to her and told her she should look more like him. From that day forward, she was always clad in a bright yellow dress.


Also in the village was Gaston, a strong, kind, handsome hunter who maintained a happy harem of three buxom blonde wives.


When not hunting wild boar in the forest, he spent his days pleasuring his three wives (as well as various other women in the village). His wives would often playfully torture Gaston’s hobbit slave, Dingleberry.

gaston girls

All was well in the village.

One day, as Belle was entering the village tavern, Gaston, spying her luscious breasts, bowed to her gracefully and opened the door for her. “Welcome, young lady,” he said to her. “If there is anything I can do for you, you have but to ask.”

Belle smiled at Gaston, when suddenly, the tavern door screamed at her and said, “Don’t trust him! He’s a rapist!”

“Get away from me you rapist!” she shouted, and slapped Gaston in the face and walked past him.

Gaston, knowing it was dishonorable to strike a woman, merely glared and rubbed his face, saying nothing, feeling sorry for the poor, crazed woman.

Later that evening, Maurice discovered, to his horror, that his stores of precious reefer were depleted. Since the leaf was indeed the most important thing in life to him, he mounted his horse and rode deep into the woods to acquire more. Late into the evening he dwelt, harvesting the various reefer plants in the woods.

Suddenly, a shadow loomed over him, and he turned to see the Beast.


“These are my lands,” growled the Beast. “And this is my reefer stash. You are stealing from me. Go home old man, and trouble me no more.”

“Nay!” cried Maurice. “Only men have property rights! You are nothing but a beast!”

“Oooookay, enough of this,” said the Beast, and he swooped down and picked up Maurice like a rag doll. He bore him away to his castle within the forest and locked Maurice in his dungeon. “I shall release you when you learn to respect the property of others.”

“Go screw yourself!” Maurice spat, and the Beast left him alone to consider his thoughts.

The next day, Belle was quite agitated, being unable to locate her father. Seeking him in the forest, she came across the Beast’s castle. She knocked on the door, and the Beast answered. The Beast was quite surprised at noticing that Belle did not have an ill reaction to his countenance, as Belle was too insane to notice she was actually talking to a Beast.

“Hello, kind sir,” she said, “I was wondering if you have happened across my father, Maurice.”

“Indeed I have,” the Beast snorted. “He was stealing my ganja, so I locked him in my dungeon. He is also quite rude.”

“Oh sir,” Belle pleaded. “If you could release him, I shall consider that most kind.”

“No,” said the Beast. “He is a thief. Thieves must be punished.”

“Surely, there is something I have to give in trade for my father’s release?”

“Like what?”

“How about these?” said Belle, as she pushed out her amble bosom through the top of her dress.

“Well,” said the Beast, considering. “It has been quite a while. Okay.”

And so it was that Belle and the Beast did the funky funky for hours and hours all over the castle. Once spent, the Beast released Maurice. When he bade his daughter to follow him home, she refused. As she coughed Beast hair from her mouth, she explained that she was having a wonderful time talking to the clocks, cups, and candlesticks in the castle, saying they were all very friendly conversationalists.

Fed up with his insane daughter and eager to smoke his reefer, he grunted and left, returning home to the village.

Belle then spent the next several days talking to the various objects in the Beast’s castle, with the Beast looking on, shaking his head at his hopelessly schizophrenic yet sexually skilled paramour.

Back at the village, Maurice went to Gaston, saying, “As you know, there are werewolves in the forest, and one of them has stolen my daughter! He must be slain, and my daughter rescued!”

Being the noble and valiant man he was, Gaston agreed to rescue Belle. He rounded up several armed men from the village, and led them into the forest, his three wives in tow. High as a kite on reefer, Maurice tried not to laugh as they departed, quite amused with his deception.

That night, while in the throes of passionate lovemaking, Belle and the Beast heard a loud banging on the door. “God dammit!” the Beast cried. “Who could it be now?”

“Perhaps it is a Jehovah’s witness!” Belle offered, with wide, psychotic eyes.

“He’s a rapist!” said a nearby candle.

The Beast grunted, rolled out of bed, angrily threw on a robe, and walked downstairs to answer the door.

Gaston’s look was of shock when he beheld the Beast. “You are no werewolf, furry as you are,” he said.

“No,” said the Beast, “I was once a man, but I was cursed years ago by an evil bitch, and now I am doomed to wear this form.”

“I see that you are a noble creature, and mean no one any harm,” said Gaston, nodding.

The Beast was about to answer, when suddenly, there were howls out in the forest, all about them. Indeed, it was the real werewolves. They had arrived, smelling prey and seeking slaughter.


Gaston drew his sword, shouting to the men, “Defend my wives! We shall slay these foul beasts!”

“I shall assist you,” said the Beast, baring his teeth and flexing his muscles. “I don’t know why so many people are trying to fuck with my property lately.”

Numerous werewolves bounded from the forest, and Gaston, the Beast, and the men of the village met them in battle. Claws raked. Swords flew. Blood splattered. Cries were heard. Limbs were severed. The battle was heroic as it was grim. Gaston, a skilled swordsman, slew werewolves in heaps. The Beast roared, clawed, raked, and ripped the unclean wolves to bloody shreds.

From atop the battlements of the castle, Belle watched casually while eating paint chips and talking to a nearby fork.

After several bloody minutes, the men of the village prevailed, though not without losses. Many men lay dead on the forest floor, though dead werewolves outnumbered them.

Gaston, bloodied and bruised, went to the Beast. “You helped save my life and the lives of my beloved sexy wives. Beast or no, from this day forward, I shall call you brother.” The two clasped hands, flexed their biceps, and nodded to one another.

And so it was that Gaston moved into the castle with his three wives and hobbit slave, having numerous foursomes and fivesomes (often including Belle in the fun), as the Beast looked on and laughed, smoking his ganja. The three wives spent the rest of their days enjoying their husband, as well as the Beast when in the mood for something different. Belle spent her life enjoying the two men also, as well as carrying on long conversations with her hairbrush.

The End.

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This article was originally published on April 3, 2017


  • Tony 2017-04-03 07:30:02

    I saw the live-action one the other day, and the story itself doesn't have much appeal to me, but I was thinking throughout it that at least the battle between Gaston and the Beast would be awesome. Unfortunately there wasn't much of a battle. They should have had a solid 5+ minute fight where they just beat the shit out of each other.

  • Max 2017-04-03 11:14:15

    BD, Never entered the threesome arena. Is that something you can write about ?

  • epi 2017-04-03 11:43:51

    Needs a musical number.  

  • Alejando 2017-04-03 12:18:13

    lol awesome

  • johnnybegood 2017-04-03 13:12:18

    Where's the part in this allegory when the jealous, underesexed insane asylum keeper .... dressed as a priest, Holy Book in tow, comes in, talks about an invisible man and his extensive list of rules .... and spoils everyone's fun peddling his lunacy and shame?

  • buzz 2017-04-03 14:15:27

    you should probably make this your last fairy tale........

  • David 2017-04-03 18:45:20

    Maybe her father is the government, or an old government or society. Its overthrown by a new society, authoritarian (the beast). Women raised by the lazy, previous society have become crazy and dilusional. They learn to leverage their bodies and sexuality in the new authoritarian society. Gaston is fine either way because alpha traits are respected in all societies. The wearwolves are beta males who are easily destroyed by the alpha male (Gaston) and the new society. Gaston adapts a bit from player to super player. Hes also fucking hotter, crazier women. Although I doubt hes happy while some other dude watches him fuck. The candlestick is a dildo And Weed is weed.

  • Marty McFly 2017-04-04 02:18:06

    Awesome. Do Aladdin next.

  • Joanna 2017-04-04 03:04:29

    Haha yes do Aladdin or the Little Mermaid!!!!

  • John 2017-04-04 06:35:00

    BD I like your movie reviews (Don Jon, knocked up). You should do one on This is 40

  • joelsuf 2017-04-04 08:05:14

    I will pay you to retell Sleeping Beauty.

  • Blackdragon 2017-04-04 19:59:12

    Never entered the threesome arena. Is that something you can write about ?
    Awesome. Do Aladdin next.
    Hm. Not a bad idea.
    Haha yes do Aladdin or the Little Mermaid!!!!
    Women always want me to do the Little Mermaid. Fuck no.
    BD I like your movie reviews (Don Jon, knocked up). You should do one on This is 40
    Yeah, I talked about that movie before, on this blog or my other one. That movie literally made me feel sick; literally. I probably won't be talking about it again. FYI All my movie reviews can be found here.
    I will pay you to retell Sleeping Beauty.
    That was the next one I was going to write after Little Red Riding Hood, but I couldn't write a story I felt good about. I wrote three drafts, didn't like any of them, and gave up. Not sure why that one proved to be difficult. Maybe someday.

  • Parade 2017-04-04 21:29:35

    You hardly need to retell the little mermaid. The original story is actually pretty dark compared to the trash Disney put out. I mean, in that one, the little  mermaid sacrifices everything for the price (her voice, extreme pain, her life) and in the end he chooses some other chick who he thinks saved his life and she dies. The end.

  • Lovergirl 2017-04-04 21:50:36

    Most fairy tales were originally kind of dark and horrible. If you ever read the original Brothers Grimm or Hans Christian Andersen stories, you will see. People turned them into kid friendly tales, infused some moral lessons and added happy endings. Disney capitalized on that. I'll take the Disney version. This one is a little disturbing, especially since poor Belle is mentally ill. It gives a creepy feel to the guys sleeping with her.

  • Jack Outside the Box 2017-04-04 22:34:48

    The Little Mermaid: A woman surrenders her personality (voice) for a hot pair of legs so she can get a guy to fuck her in order to win a bet with her step mom. The step mom is jealous and wants to fuck the guy herself and doesn't like the idea of sharing. So using dirty tricks, the step mom sabotages her daughter by mimicking her daughter's personality (voice). This wins the prince over and he's about to be betaized by the step mom via marriage. But just before the wedding the daughter breaks the bet and wins him over with her personality, revealing the step mom to be lying. This causes the step mom to become hysterical and go on a murderous rampage until she is killed by the previously betaized man. This impresses the father of the daughter who allows her to keep the hot body (legs) her step mom paid for while still retaining her personality. The End. Beauty and the Beast:  A man hating feminist rejects an alpha male player only to get kidnapped by an alpha 1.0 whom she agrees to stay with in exchange for him releasing is other hostage (her father). Once she's his prisoner, she develops Stockholm Syndrome and falls in love with the abusive alpha and gives up her feminism. He keeps abusing her and smacking her around, but she stays with him anyway because she believes that he can be changed with "the power of love." And in classic Disney fashion, her love does end up changing him from abusive boyfriend to chivalrous beta gentlemen. Then the first alpha male (the one she rejected) tries to kill the now betaized former abuser but he kills him instead. She marries her former abuser and she lives out the rest of her life with her Stockholm Syndrome. The End. Sleeping Beauty: A man cheats on his monogamous wife and has a daughter whom he tries to pass off as his wife's "for the sake of appearances." This enrages the "other woman," so she threatens to kidnap the daughter. To make sure the bio mom doesn't find her, she's sent off to live in the woods with three lesbians, called "fairies." The lesbians guard her from all men and try to teach her man hating. When a man seduces and has sex with her (or in Disney language, they "share a song together"), the lesbians are outraged and tell her it's too dangerous for her to sleep with men and forbid her from ever seeing him again. She runs away and is caught by her bio mom who puts her in a coma. The man she fucked saves her and kills the mom, prompting the lesbians to admit that he's not so bad, but teach her how to betaize and marry him. The End. Frozen (credit: Stephan Molyneux): A mentally ill lesbian has problems controlling her temper and habitually escapes reality by creating her own schizophrenic fantasy world. Her parents take her to see some Jewish psychiatrists (known as the "wise trolls") and they tell her that she must be helped to integrate into reality but that "fear will be her enemy." She overdoses on psych meds and murders both her parents (though the official story is that they died in an accident at sea). When her psychotic temper flares up again, she injures her sister, resulting in her total isolation from the outside world, induced by her guilt. After both sisters reach adulthood, the younger sister coaxes her back outside so that she can take over her parents' political dynasty. During a social gathering of the elites, the younger sister meats a PUA who's only interested in a one night stand. After they have sex ("share a song together") the naïve sister thinks it's "true love." This causes the lesbian sister to, once again, lose her temper and act psychotic in front of the other elites, which ultimately causes her to run away and recreate her bullshit fantasy life in isolation ("let it go"). The younger sister leaves to find her after meeting a mountain man who is a MGTOW and makes fun of her Disney beliefs in true love. Upon returning home, the PUA admits that it was just casual sex while the MGTOW says "I told you so." Ultimately, the sister melts her lesbian sibling's frozen heart with "love," causing her to rejoin her place among the elites and put her sister and the MGTOW in a privileged position, which results in the sister having sex with the MGTOW using "affirmative consent" (as evidenced by the "may I kiss you? "you may" line at the end). It ends with the sister replacing a sled that she broke that belonged to the MGTOW via "redistributing" someone else's sled with the country's tax dollars. Oh yeah, and they pick up a mentally ill kid who thinks he's a snowman. The End.    

  • Jack Outside the Box 2017-04-04 22:37:54

    This one is a little disturbing, especially since poor Belle is mentally ill. It gives a creepy feel to the guys sleeping with her.
    In the Disney version, she was held hostage by the beast and stuck in an abusive relationship. But she refused to escape because she developed Stockholm Syndrome and thought she could change him with the "power of love," which she ultimately did. You think that's a better message for women in abusive relationships?  

  • Jack Outside the Box 2017-04-04 22:54:00

    Most fairy tales were originally kind of dark and horrible.
    Don't forget the nursery rhymes and baby songs. If the babies understood the words, they'd be traumatized for life: Rock a bye baby on the tree top. When the wind blows, the cradle will rock. When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall. Down will come baby cradle and all. Jesus, that's a song about a baby falling out of a tree and dying. And people were encouraged to sing this shit so their babies can fall asleep. Sometimes, societal programming is just plain weird. Don't even get me started with Little Red Riding Hood.      

  • Lovergirl 2017-04-04 23:46:42

    The Disney version was still an improvement on the original, Im sure. My grandma used to always point out that ring around the rosy was a weird song for kids to be singing too. It's like a chant about people dying from the plague or something. It's odd what becomes entertainment for children.

  • Jack Outside the Box 2017-04-05 00:28:13

    Yup. "Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of posy, ashes, ashes, they all fall down" is a reference to the final symptoms of the black plague that slaughtered thousands of people in medieval Europe. It's really chilling. Anyway, when I have a daughter and she becomes a teenager, I'm going to play her this as part of her red pill awakening:  

  • Blackdragon 2017-04-05 00:51:03

    This one is a little disturbing, especially since poor Belle is mentally ill. It gives a creepy feel to the guys sleeping with her.
    Jack already anticipated my answer:
    In the Disney version, she was held hostage by the beast and stuck in an abusive relationship. But she refused to escape because she developed Stockholm Syndrome and thought she could change him with the “power of love,” which she ultimately did. You think that’s a better message for women in abusive relationships?
    Both Disney and my versions are "disturbing." The difference is that one appeals to women and Societal Programming, and the other does not.

  • Ash 2017-04-05 18:54:37

    I admit I saw the new movie. I thought it was pretty good, but I felt they tamed the unlikeable Gaston. I would have loved to see Belle friend zone him.

  • Maria 2018-06-11 08:31:54

    Lmao amazing!!