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The Fear of Dying Alone
-By Caleb Jones
I have never been afraid of dying alone. As an unmarried man at age 45, this fear has literally never come into my mind. Not as a young man, and not now. How happy or unhappy I will be on my deathbed has nothing to do with whether or not I’m in a serious relationship with a woman at the time. Nor will it have anything to do with how many friends, family members, loved ones, children or grandchildren I have around me. I will very likely die happy regardless of these factors. Instead, my level of happiness at the end of my life will have to do with other factors, all of which are completely within my control and the majority of which I’ve handled a very long time ago.
Hopefully, by the end of this article, you will be closer to that line of thinking instead of being terrified by dying alone, and using that fear as a justification for long-term problems and unhappiness in your life as a man.
Before I make my points, we have to come to a few baseline assumptions.
First, we need to assume that “dying alone” means dying of old age or disease in your older years. This is because that’s usually what people mean when they freak out about dying alone. In addition, it is very unlikely you will die of any other cause. The odds of you dying because of any kind of accident or violence are ridiculously low and within (or very close to) the 2% Rule, unless you live an unusually high-risk lifestyle.
Second, we need to assume that you will die around the average life expectancy for the time. At the moment, average male life expectancy in the Western world is around 79 years. However, the vast majority of you reading these words are in your 20’s, 30’s or 40’s, which means 79 is anywhere from 30 to 60 years away for you. As I’ve talked about many times in my blogs, over the next 30-60 years, we're going to see advances in medical technology that are quite shocking, and that will dramatically expand your lifespan.
This means that by the time you reach age 79, average life expectancy won’t be 79 anymore (unless you are already quite old). How long are you expected to live? I don’t know and you don’t know either, but just to be on the conservative side, I’ll say for the sake of argument that most of you reading these words have a “real” average life expectancy of around 90 years. It might be much longer than that; I don’t know, but I’ve got to pick a number. (And no, I have no interest in discussing this side point in the comments.)
So “dying alone” means dying from old age or disease somewhere around the age of 90.
Okay. Now for my points...
Point 1: The Odds Are Tremendous That She Won’t Still Be There By Then
In my objections to nonmonogamy article, where I address literally every objection defending monogamy and TMM, the very first objection listed and its response is this:
1. What about having someone care for you in your old age?
The divorce rate for people who get married now, at the usual ages people get married, is around 63% in most cities. That means there’s a 63% chance that person won’t be around in your old age anyway.
If you want someone to be with in your old age, get married when you’re in your old age.
Exactly. If you get married now, your lifetime risk of divorce is somewhere around 70%. However, that's the stat today. Longtime readers of this blog know that the real divorce rate among people who actually get married keeps climbing as the Western world slowly grinds toward collapse. In 10 or 15 years, this 70% could be 75% or 80%. In several decades it could 90% or even higher (at least in the Western world).
This means that if you get traditionally married in your 20’s, 30’s, or 40’s with the intention of not dying alone 40 to 70 years later when you’re 90 fucking years old, that means you are literally being stupid. Yes. Stupid. You are stupid if you think the odds are high that the traditional, monogamous, Western wife you have right now at age 35 (or whatever) will still be your wife 55 years later when you’re 90.
For this to happen, you would have to be an extremely lucky and bizarre exception to the rule. As I’ve said many times, banking your long-term happiness on being a statistical exception, particularly when such a thing is outside of your direct control like in a marriage where you are 100% reliant on another person to not ever divorce you, is not an intelligent life path.
What about getting married when you’re older? That depends on how old. Even people in their 50’s are getting divorced in large numbers, as I’ve shown before (item #10 here). If you don’t want to die alone, your best bet is to get married after you’re 60 to a woman who is also age 60 or higher. Sound like fun?
As I talk about in my primary book, your job is to structure your mind in such a way that happiness is easy for you, not difficult or complicated for you.
“I have to get traditionally married because I have to have kids because I have to make sure a wife and lots of kids and grandkids are around me when I get old and die because only that will make me happy when I’m an old man.”
Let’s compare that to another guy’s belief:
“I will be very happy as an old man, and when I die, as long as one or two close friends are with me.”
I’m not going to compare the pro’s and con’s of each of those two belief structures. You might find one stupid and one great, or both of them good, or both of them silly. That’s fine. I’m just here to show you the realities and logistics behind each of these two belief structures.
The reality is that, in the modern era and the Western world, the first man is going to live a life of drama, limitations, cheating, divorce, child custody battles, and all kinds of other chaos and bullshit. He will constantly be looking for his unicorn woman who doesn’t exist and constantly have relationships (and marriages) that blow up in his face.
Conversely, the second man is likely going to live a reasonably smooth life. He may get married, or he may not. He may have kids, or he may not. He doesn’t have to do anything other than to find one or two close friends when he's in his 70’s or 80’s. That’s a much easier goal than a lifetime TMM the first guy is seeking.
The point is that it’s much easier for the second guy to be happy than the first guy.
You have the ability to modify your belief structures. I’ve done it myself. It’s not necessarily easy and it takes a little time, but it can be done. If the reward is long-term happiness, then the effort is quite worth it.
Point 3: Marriage, Children and Grandchildren Are Not The Only Thing That Makes An Old Man Happy
Can marriage, kids, and grandkids make an old man happy? Yes.
(Actually, I would argue that grandkids make an old man happy, grown kids make an old man somewhat happy, but traditional monogamous marriage probably won’t make an old man happy, as I scientifically showed here and here.)
Are they the only things that will make a man happy? No. Here are a few other things that can make an old man, even a dying old man happy:
- An old man can have a few close friends.
- An old man can be a very social guy and have lots of friends.
- An old man can have lots of money he uses to donate to worthy causes he finds important.
- An old man can have a deep, rich spiritual life that gives him great peace and self-fulfillment.
- An old man can afford to pay for sex with literally the youngest and most beautiful women on Earth. He has many options to make sure his penis works too, so that’s not a problem.
- An old man can travel the world and have many wonderful, enjoyable, enriching experiences.
- An old man can still work, if he chooses to, and work on only the projects that he really loves.
- An old man can have a girlfriend. (Live-in or otherwise.) People often forget this.
- An old man can have multiple girlfriends. Before he passed away, my grandfather, while in his 80’s, had two girlfriends, both in their late 50’s, one in Alaska and one in Arizona. He would live six months in one place and six months in the other, having sex with one or the other depending on where he was. He was very happy with this arrangement (as you would probably be).
- An old man can completely immerse himself in recreational hobbies in ways guys like us who have to work can’t. He can spend entire days, hell, entire weeks reading philosophy, painting, sailing around the world, writing poetry, playing around with the latest technology, or whatever the hell else he loves to do.
- An old man can plug himself into new “families” or communities like through his church, through philanthropy, through volunteer work or various other things. I have seen many old men (and old women) do this and it really lights up their lives.
Please note that none of the above items requires a wife, children, grandchildren, or any other blood-related family members. Now if an old man also has a few kids or grandkids, that’s fine too. I have two kids myself, and I plan on having grandkids someday (in the far future, I hope; I don’t want my kids having children too early, especially my son). I’m sure I’ll love them, but regardless, a smart man whose goal is long-term consistent happiness won’t need these people. (Remember that I'm moving the hell out of the USA by 2025, grandkids or not.) Moreover, I didn’t have kids because I was worried about “dying alone.” What a stupid reason to have kids!
Point 4: Relying On Family Members To Make You Happy In Your Old Age Is A Stupid Plan
You’ve heard it and I’ve heard it: old people complaining that their kids or grandkids never call them. I’ve heard this pathetic bullshit a million times, and I’m sure you have too. Millions of old people all over the world bitch and moan constantly that their grown kids and grandkids never call, never write, never visit, or don’t visit often enough.
There’s a lesson there. These old people, like many of you, were hoping to not “die alone” so they cranked out some kids, who hopefully would have grandkids, so that these people would entertain them in their old age. But, oops, that didn’t happen. They went through all the pain and chaos of traditional monogamous marriage and raising kids, only to find out that their grown children were too busy with their own lives and their own problems to entertain the grandparents. Add that to the sky-high divorce rate, and the fact that one spouse always dies before the other, and there you go; millions of old people are “dying alone” even though they did get married and did have kids.
Relying on your family members, particularly your own kids or grandkids, to make and keep you happy in your old age is one of the stupidest things people in the modern era do. Yes, back in the 1800’s when people died much sooner and when folks lived with or near their families throughout their entire lives, that made sense. In the wild and crazy 21st Century, no. You’re going to get divorced. Your grown kids will have their own lives. They will even likely move far away.
Your happiness, as an old man and on your deathbed, is up to you, and no one else. If you understand that now, and structure your life around this now, before you’re old, then you will die a very, very happy man. If you don’t, you will die like most other old men in the modern, Western era: divorced and sitting in an old folk’s home bitching that your kids never call you.
The choice is yours.
I’ve already made mine. 🙂
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Paul 2018-08-26 02:24:20
This whole post is without doubt one of the most life affirming and grounding things I've ever read. (Long time lurker)
Blackdragon 2017-07-11 10:46:11
They are burdened with wives that just went down hill physically and mentally. Fat hags most, health problems, disability, unable to do anything other than exist and be shuttled to doctor’s appointments. Sex has been over since their fifties and one guy uses pills to make the effort. The few matronly ones that could do not want to travel or do anything such as boating, take a trip, sight see. The most that they can hope for is a boring cruise. The somewhat healthy ones are in the grandchildren world as in most days of the week. The husbands are so programed and the SP is what it is that they would never consider taking their own trips or having their own activities. All they can do is continue to work, go home for dinner and do their house chores. Some have even accepted home based hobbies which are of course wife approved. Weekends are more grandchildren. And for variety, they can help their children by working on their houses too.Any woman you want to spend a very long time with (the "rest of your life" or close too it) needs to clearly understand that how she ages is at least 80-90% within her control, and if she lets her health go in her old age or she "decides" as an older woman that she wants to sit on her ass and not travel or have any fun, then that's fine, but you're not going along with that plan. If she's still low drama you can still remain married to her and take care of the financial side of things, but that's it. She can sit at 300 pounds with her diabetes in her wheelchair while you travel the world and enjoy a fantastic life. Letting such a woman permanently damage your happiness as an old man, particularly while you took the time and effort to remain healthy for decades, is beta in the extreme and quite anti-Alpha 2.0. Great observation. And accurate.
Anon 2017-07-09 14:49:45
They are burdened with wives that just went down hill physically and mentally.This must be one of the things that are so obvious when put into perspective, but aren't easy to see from the inside. If you do what everyone else does, you'll get what everyone else gets.
Chris Stevenson 2017-07-09 09:35:59
Knowing quite a few older men throughout life, 60 and up, with a small crew of such being friends shows me a slightly different angle. I am 45 and knowing older people throughout my life allows me to see the "fruits" of the decisions that they make. Many men in the early golden years and two that I know of in the later part could write their own ticket. They are very healthy, have assets, paid off house, businesses, good children, drive to have some fun, interesting hobbies and broad interests. In many cases good relations with their children. Most have much younger women actively propositioning them or showing IOI's. They could play the field if they want to. They are sexual and want sex. Drum roll please. They are burdened with wives that just went down hill physically and mentally. Fat hags most, health problems, disability, unable to do anything other than exist and be shuttled to doctor's appointments. Sex has been over since their fifties and one guy uses pills to make the effort. The few matronly ones that could do not want to travel or do anything such as boating, take a trip, sight see. The most that they can hope for is a boring cruise. The somewhat healthy ones are in the grandchildren world as in most days of the week. The husbands are so programed and the SP is what it is that they would never consider taking their own trips or having their own activities. All they can do is continue to work, go home for dinner and do their house chores. Some have even accepted home based hobbies which are of course wife approved. Weekends are more grandchildren. And for variety, they can help their children by working on their houses too. These men are so healthy that they are looking at least 30 years of dealing with women who will get gout, be in wheelchairs, need to turn their homes into care centers, get more disgusting. Yes, people occasionally get sick through no fault of their own, not here. These broads were porking starting in their forties and the damage adds up. For these men being alone would be a blessing. Something that I have observed about women is that no matter how sick and fat they make themselves some combination of modern medicine, others waiting hand and foot on them, laziness, whatever; they manage not to die until late 70's, usually 80's, and often 90's. This while making their husbands and children and grandchildren virtual slaves. If the men had created a marriage or relationship situation like The BlackDragon recommends, they could have bailed safely when the crap started with their wives 40's if not sooner and had fulfilling older lives. Lonely older men are usually beat down by the stuff that I just described and when they outlast, not often, the disgusting hag by a few short years they are lonely since they had no time or energy to cultivate human contact. Loneliness as threatened by the system would be an upgrade for these men.
TKORAR 2017-07-08 19:42:00
We all die alone.
JudoJohn 2017-07-08 09:01:58
This last point is soooo underrated, no wonder everyone feels lonely as they grow old. Socially “making friends” is something kids do, not grown-ups.Agreed entirely. A major part of my Alpha 2.0 reinvention has been being much keener on male friendships. I'm really proud that the day I dropped off my last climbing buddy to fly back home to North Carolina, I met a new climbing buddy that night. Climbing with him and one of his FB's today. Headed back to my place after to grill some steaks. It should be a good day.
However, many women don’t keep returning forever. Some return a few times and then you never see them again. Or they eventually move away. Or they get fat (not overweight, but fat). And like you said, you could move away. So your roster is never a forever-static number. That’s a big topic and I could probably do an article on it.Please do! My last girlfriend, a Type III VYW, is going to visit soon for a week of sex. She's between boyfriends and is seriously committed to keeping her N count low. She's a great friend, and it's good having a spy in the enemies camp. It was lightning in a bottle with her, so it's not repeatable, but I think it's still doable to seduce younger women who wouldn't want commitment from a guy like me. I mean....I have fucking standards, and prefer women who will one day marry well (regardless of how good of an idea that is for them, not my problem). I'm guessing that there are many women who would be good with having some regular good sex while doing their own thing.....and be repeat customers months and years down the road.
Toomuch 2017-07-08 06:58:13
They biggest issue men face that will limit their quality of life in old age is buying the society-instilled notion that suicide is unacceptable, and even worse, a crime. I won't be in an old age home and I won't be in my own home crippled and barely able to move either. I'll have devised and executed an exit strategy well before that happens.
Damon 2017-07-08 04:27:18
A few statistics, including income, marriage, age of death, etc... You can see the average and the actual repartition. http://flowingdata.com/2017/07/07/small-summary-stats/ It's an animated gif file: http://i2.wp.com/flowingdata.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/animated-distributions-medians-1.gif?zoom=2.5&fit=2180%2C1420
Anders 2017-07-07 19:57:14
Everyone dies alone. And people dont die with a smile. If you are on a deathbed and close to the end, you are either drugged up or so sick that your mind doesnt even work. And a timed death so that everyone you love has a chance to get there in time is also unlikely. If i die as an old man, i will probably be sick of the world as i miss family and friends i have lost. some guy here talked about having a party with everyone close to him, then blowing his brains out and honestly that is best chance people have to leave the world with a smile on their mouth. Before any sickness makes you a vegetable and leaving the world on your own ground. But it doesnt matter. you wont remember if you smiled or cried after you are dead. Its not worth worrying about.
Bob 2017-07-07 18:02:30
Great observation. I'm curious as to why you are there, and how you like it.
Marty 2017-07-07 17:30:40
as well as the ability to make new friends and social relations easily. This last point is soooo underratedThis is very true. I've made a number of major life changes that have cut me off from my old friend groups. Mainly because I no longer fit their SP version of the world and they don't like (or more accurately..their wives don't like) my new lifestyle. So I just make new friends that are more aligned with where I'm going and what my life is about now. Its not that hard when you are confident in who you are and know where you are going if life. Its a lot of fun building new networks etc.
Niteride Mick 2017-07-07 14:16:43
Your only source of sex yeah right Most long term marriages No sex if your lucky your birthday and Xmas day 2 roots in a year yippee I guess that's way most blokes go bird hoping in Asia Love you long time !!!
joelsuf 2017-07-07 12:40:45
Whenever I hear that phrase "I'm afraid of dying alone" it makes me laugh, cringe and just feel bad all at the same time. Anyone who thinks about that isn't living. I'm WAY too busy enjoying myself to even think about dying. And I absolutely love what George Carlin says about it: How many dead people do you know care about whether they are alone or whatever? They're dead! We don't just magically retain our emotions after we die. We retain nothing, except a rotting corpse or ashes. Thinking about death in any aspect means you are bored, weak, unfocused, and instead of having a lifelong mission, you rely on temporary highs to be happy, thinking about death more than likely being one of them. Its one of the biggest wastes of energy anyone can come up with aside from being a stark raving mad SJW/Tradcon. This is coming from someone who, 11 years ago, saw their dad die from cancer right in front of them.
Blackdragon 2017-07-07 11:52:18
Yes, you can have it with friends but they also move away and may die soon as well. I’m thinking that having many kids and many women in your life is the best model to establish this.Allow me to repeat what Pink Firefly already said above: Should they let that wish for their final hours determine the fate of the rest of their life? That’s probably not a good idea. I think if you want someone to be with you when you die that is fine, but to be with someone or have children because you are scared to die alone is pretty foolish. If you want to incur massive amounts of breakups, divorces, drama, and child support for decades on end just so you might have your kids entertain you when you're an old man, I can think of less-bad systems.
It seems hard to have many kids and many women with serious relationships in modern life in West, but I guess I will give it a try, at least I think it’s worth trying.If you really want to have a kid or two, that's fine. Just make sure you do it when you're older (after you've accomplished your big goals in life) and make sure it's an OLTR marriage or similar, not TMM.
when the mariage ends (as it will, monogamous mariages don’t work), guys lose not only their only source of sex, but also their only source of companionship.Yup.
POB 2017-07-07 10:59:28
In many ways I’m more like my grandfather than my own father.Yep, I'm like that too! It's really funny, because I got the goods AND the bads from him.
There’s always an increasingly high risk that your kids will not appreciate or respect anything you do or have ever done for them in your old age.If they don't do it while you're still a young 100% independent and functional adult, they won't do it when you're old and with healthcare issues common to advanced age. This is not a problem of age - its a problem of raising them right and with love. If you do that the odds will be always in your favor.
Bill 2017-07-07 10:15:43
At the end of the day, everyone truly dies alone. Now spending your old age alone is sadly very common.
Truc 2017-07-07 06:25:48
A while ago Kryptokate had made a good point about this topic : basically society encourages us guys to rely on our spouse for all our social interactions. Therefore, when the mariage ends (as it will, monogamous mariages don't work), guys lose not only their only source of sex, but also their only source of companionship. In my opinion, it is way better to diversify and compartimentalize a bit : keep multiple sources of sex and cultivate the ability to get new ones, and adopt the same strategy for friends and social interactions : work at keeping as many friends as you require (people are obviously different on this topic) as well as the ability to make new friends and social relations easily. This last point is soooo underrated, no wonder everyone feels lonely as they grow old. Socially "making friends" is something kids do, not grown-ups.
Leo 2017-07-07 03:01:36
Great article man. When I talk about marriage, most people say "It is so sad to be old and single, you will have nobody around!". This article is the truth about this subject.
JEB 2017-07-07 01:29:19
Ah yeah in today’s modern world a unicorn woman and unicorn kids do not exist. They did when the government didn’t overstep in and the media didn’t have kim k and her endless flings.While we can certainly agree that it has only gone straight downhill, I think it's important to point out that unicorn women have never existed. If you think the "Golden Age" of America, where masculinity and traditional gender roles were celebrated, things were certainly better but not perfect. Watch an episode of "Mad Men" for a take on "monogamy" in that time. It has always been problematic for a man to have a wife and children. Even thousands of years ago. Remember that even the Bible has a solution to "disrespectful children" (Which is to stone them to death on your own doorstep) and (especially female) infidelity.
There are no unicorn kids too.There's always an increasingly high risk that your kids will not appreciate or respect anything you do or have ever done for them in your old age. Again, "Gran Torino" portraying the type of kids (and grandkids) that are becoming increasingly more common in modern times. I'd much rather age independently and with good friends and lovers. Think Liam Neeson in Taken without his Blue Pill idealism sorrounding his former wife.
Dave 2017-07-07 00:59:53
Great article! Not because of fear but as written in the article kids and grand kids will make you happy when you get old. It's a scientific fact that being alone is one of the worst things that can happen to men or woman in life at their old age. There is research (based on case studies and surveys) showing that having meaningful relationships is the most important thing to be happy in older age. Yes, you can have it with friends but they also move away and may die soon as well. I'm thinking that having many kids and many women in your life is the best model to establish this. Relying on few friends and other options don't seem to be good enough or better alternative to me. some kids may move away, never shop up etc but some may be good enough to make you happy. Remember, not being lonely is also important when you're young. in my experience depending on solely friends are not great option even now. my small kids makes me really happy now more than friends. It seems hard to have many kids and many women with serious relationships in modern life in West, but I guess I will give it a try, at least I think it's worth trying.
Steve 2017-07-06 21:53:09
Ah yeah in today's modern world a unicorn woman and unicorn kids do not exist. They did when the government didn't overstep in and the media didn't have kim k and her endless flings. Old people don't die together, there deaths are a couple years apart. Who can time their deaths together? Plus they're cowards, they aren't going to perform a romeo juliet scene. There are no unicorn kids too. The moment you stop babysitting your grandkids, cooking, cleaning, doing errands for your kids you are out of the home or they'll move a state away from you. You'll get a weekend visit a few times yearly at best. Hello modern world.
Blackdragon 2017-07-06 21:44:51
BD, did he drop some wisdom on you back in your formative years or do you chalk it up to genes/coincidence?Genes/coincidence. Gramps never really talked to me about his dating life; I had to find out through my dad (his son). In many ways I'm more like my grandfather than my own father. As my mom told me when I was younger, "Sometimes genes skip a generation." Grandpa was an aggressive, opinionated, smartass, outcome independent, high sex drive son of a bitch. (Sound familiar?) Dad was more normal and appropriate.
The age you die is pretty irrelevant if you ask me. Its the quality of your life before you die.It's BOTH. Not one or the other.
I’d rather stay fit and drop dead at 80 in the gym still living a full on life than live to 90 but spend the last 10 years in a nursing home.I more or less agree. My goal is to stay the hell out of the nursing home as an old man while still living a very long time. (See? Both. Not one or the other.) We'll see if I accomplish that. It'll be a long time before I'm that old.
Marty 2017-07-06 20:09:52
The age you die is pretty irrelevant if you ask me. Its the quality of your life before you die. I'm about to turn 50 and I've never felt fitter or stronger. There are guys doing Crossfit in their late 60's who are so much fitter than me and killing some of the fit 20yo's in my gym. Yet I know 40yo's who are borderline disabled because they are so unfit and their backs are stuffed etc. I'd rather stay fit and drop dead at 80 in the gym still living a full on life than live to 90 but spend the last 10 years in a nursing home.
Chuck 2017-07-06 20:07:18
Why trade in 50+ years of your life for the chance that you’ll have a group hug on your final breathe?Brilliant. I'm going to be stealing that line.
Before he passed away, my grandfather, while in his 80’s, had two girlfriends...1st thought - Damn! Must've been 10x harder for someone who grew up back in the day. 2nd thought - BD, did he drop some wisdom on you back in your formative years or do you chalk it up to genes/coincidence?
Anon 2017-07-06 17:46:53
I once read that if you get to age 70 without any major health problems (heart attack, cancer, etc), your life expectancy instantly shoots way up into the 90’s.Duh.
Blackdragon 2017-07-06 17:38:54
True, but the difference between life expectancy at birth and at age X is not that high. See https://ourworldindata.org/life-expectancy/ (second chart).I'm surprised at that chart, but it's probably accurate. I once read that if you get to age 70 without any major health problems (heart attack, cancer, etc), your life expectancy instantly shoots way up into the 90's. I realize different studies can show different results though.
It’s societal programming, both male and females are saying it to each other.Yep, they do. Quintessential SP.
Pink Firefly 2017-07-06 17:09:45
Same here. I’ve had several women say it to me over the years, including one of my sisters.It's societal programming, both male and females are saying it to each other. In the past, my uncle told me that I needed to find someone to be with so I wouldn't die alone in old age. I heard a father tell his son that the needed to find a woman to settle down with so he wouldn't be old and alone. Both sexes are saying it to each other. For those people who really do want a spouse with them when they die, I have to wonder: Should they let that wish for their final hours determine the fate of the rest of their life? That’s probably not a good idea. I think if you want someone to be with you when you die that is fine, but to be with someone or have children because you are scared to die alone is pretty foolish. Let your life decisions be governed by your own beliefs and values and feelings, your sense of who you really are and who you want to be, and not by the mindless myths designed to scare or shame you out of your single state.
Anon 2017-07-06 16:58:56
The older you are, the bigger your life expectancy, regardless of medical progress.True, but the difference between life expectancy at birth and at age X is not that high. See https://ourworldindata.org/life-expectancy/ (second chart). Apparently a man in the US who is currently 40 is expected to live 39 more years, only two years more than what would be predicted for a newborn. Even if I'm misreading the data and I have to look at such a man's birth year rather than the current year, that's only an extra difference of 4 years. https://esa.un.org/unpd/wpp/Download/Standard/Mortality/
Blackdragon 2017-07-06 16:33:45
I’ve never had a guy say it to me. But I’ve had my mother, my sisters, and at least 5 FB’s (when they realized I wasn’t going to commit to them exclusively) say I’m going to die a lonely old man.Same here. I've had several women say it to me over the years, including one of my sisters. And again, these aren't women who wanted to marry me, they just wanted me to get married.
Marty 2017-07-06 16:16:44
But I do know that in general some women throw the “dying alone” thing around at other people, not just to men but to other women, in order to “single-shame” people into getting traditionally married. Single-shaming really is an accurate term… shame the single people so that they get TMM’ed “just like me, so I can feel better about my decision.”I've never had a guy say it to me. But I've had my mother, my sisters, and at least 5 FB's (when they realized I wasn't going to commit to them exclusively) say I'm going to die a lonely old man. Even though I've already done the married thing for 20 years and have four kids. My mother met my Dad at 17 was with him for 57 years (married 52) and is now alone since he died.
Blackdragon 2017-07-06 16:03:27
You have never seen so many old guys with such happy faces, big smiles and laughing compared to the old guys you see here in the west. According to western SP these guys are the losers of the world. Need to go to Asia and die as a lonely old man because they can’t get a western women. Hahahaha….yeah right…I know where I’d rather be at 80. Not in a nursing home by myself or worse still, with my nagging 80 yo wife that’s for sure.Great point. I never thought of that.
I do believe the lonely old man myth is due to societal programming, not from a woman specifically trying to force a man to be in a monogamous relationship.I think it's both. I don't think an individual woman is going to say something like that to try an individual man to be with her. But I do know that in general some women throw the "dying alone" thing around at other people, not just to men but to other women, in order to "single-shame" people into getting traditionally married. Single-shaming really is an accurate term... shame the single people so that they get TMM'ed "just like me, so I can feel better about my decision."
Many of them will enjoy an even better, longer, and more fruitful life that makes mine look like shit by comparison, thanks to advancing technology and medicine.Correct!
Jack Outside the Box 2017-07-06 15:47:53
You seem to be not considering that the Earth & humankind may not survive that long.Oh no! Cue the PC white guilt!
Don’t you feel sorry for people in their 20 ‘s ,No. I envy them.
these young people may not enjoy a long & fruitful life as we have had ?You're right. Many of them will enjoy an even better, longer, and more fruitful life that makes mine look like shit by comparison, thanks to advancing technology and medicine.
If you don’t mind l am making this plug for environmentalism.Or maybe you can go on some anti-masculine PC site and peddle your racist, pro-white guilt, and nihilistic garbage mythologies there. As for the rest of us, we'll be over here being happy while laughing at political correctness. Thanks!
Pink Firefly 2017-07-06 15:29:26
I believe this “lonely old man” fallacy is a great tool from women and society in general in order to put fear into guys so that they enter monogamous relationships they would not have entered otherwise.As a woman, I have never told a man we will die together. Nor have I ever heard of a woman try to tell a man that they will die together in order to enter into a monogamous relationship. Women and men both have a fear of dying alone. Women don't try to use this as a tool; we honestly believe that what we are saying is true. Just like I don't believe men use this as a tool, they believe what they are saying is true as well. If men are so fearful about this that they decide to enter a monogamous relationship then they are entering into a relationship under false pretenses. No man should be in a relationship just because he's scared. If this is the tool you use, I would suggest you rethink it. I do believe the lonely old man myth is due to societal programming, not from a woman specifically trying to force a man to be in a monogamous relationship. Society in general is hoping people will get married quickly before it's too late. Society is trying to put the myth out there that if you don't find your soul mate ASAP, you tempt fate and risk a life of quiet desperation. Like I stated above, no man should be with a woman just because he's scared to die alone. The man who is comfortable with himself and confident in his true independence is the one that women will want to be associated with and to share in it. I think how you handle being alone and what you do with the opportunities that freedom allows is the real measure of a man.
Marty 2017-07-06 15:27:29
In Pattaya in Thailand, every day in the afternoon you will see huge groups of old guys (most look like they are late 70's into 80's) sitting on the walkway beside the beach watching the sun go down. They are playing cards, chess, talking and drinking cheap beer from the 7-11. It's obvious they have made some good friends among the group and there is a lot of laughing and banter. Sometimes there are Thai girls around (presumably wives or GF's) but I notice often its just a lot of guys. You have never seen so many old guys with such happy faces, big smiles and laughing compared to the old guys you see here in the west. According to western SP these guys are the losers of the world. Need to go to Asia and die as a lonely old man because they can't get a western women. Hahahaha....yeah right...I know where I'd rather be at 80. Not in a nursing home by myself or worse still, with my nagging 80 yo wife that's for sure.
Blackdragon 2017-07-06 13:45:57
I believe this “lonely old man” fallacy is a great tool from women and society in general in order to put fear into guys so that they enter monogamous relationships they would not have entered otherwise.Correct. More Societal Programming to serve the elites rather than to make you happy.
People have this fantasy of being surrounded by all their loved ones on their deathbed, everyone gets to say goodbye, etc… This is rarely the case in real life.Correct. Maybe in Asian cultures, but not in the Western world.
If LSNFTE is a thing, and I have little doubt that it is,It is.
there must be a threshold that, once crossed, essentially guarantees a lifetime of low effort sexual variety.Yes, more or less. I'm already there. However, many women don't keep returning forever. Some return a few times and then you never see them again. Or they eventually move away. Or they get fat (not overweight, but fat). And like you said, you could move away. So your roster is never a forever-static number. That's a big topic and I could probably do an article on it.
I hope this is a thing, because it’s my current long range plan. Of course, to be rich enough to have sugar babies, and still be fit enough to enjoy them, would be even better….but even in the worst case, it would be trivial to find a well preserved widow, if I keep on current trends.I think the best, or least-bad lifetime model is to build up your roster of returning FB's and MLTR's, have an OLTR if you want (but only if you're over age 35) otherwise stick with FB/MLTR, and make sure you make / invest enough money so that when you're really old you can afford sugar babies on the side.
You seem to be not considering that the Earth & humankind may not survive that long.Correct. Here's why: read about the 2% Rule here.
If you don’t mind l am making this plug for environmentalism. Thank you BD.I already covered environmentalism here. Tl;dr: government can't save you (which is what I'm sure you're hoping for).
They were married young, raised a family, worked, saved and wound up living together in an old folks home, together but “alone together”, and very unhappy. She passed recently and now he sits alone, crying. It’s very, very sad. He did everything a man was told he should do. He was a good provider, a good husband, a good father, an upstanding citizen. And now in his old age, he sits alone in a nursing home crying.Yep. This is how you end up when you place the responsibility for your happiness on other people.
What resources besides therapy are there for modifying longstanding belief structures?My book.
Once I hit age 65, I’m going to have a big blowout party with my friends and living family. Then I’m going to kill myself.One of the worst life plans I've ever heard. I'm glad I'm not you.
My experience has been that most people who survive to an advanced age start declining rapidly in their late sixties, both physically and mentally. Screw thatI have written numerous articles here about how well you age is completely up to you. I know of too many men over age 65 who are (reasonably) physically fit, have plenty of sex, and live exciting, happy lives. I want to live as long as humanly possible and I plan to age very well. But it looks like you've already convinced yourself of your own narrative, so have fun killing yourself.
Jokah Macpherson 2017-07-06 13:25:25
My great uncle married a woman in her early 50's when he was in his late 90's. I think a lot of the fear of being abandoned in your old age has to do with the advantages that youth confers in being loved. We all know the insane power of attraction most under-25 women wield just by showing up; it's orders of magnitude less for guys but you can still definitely coast on your relative youth in just having people enjoy being around you. When you get older, the waters of youth recede and if all that's left is a whiny, bitter, cynical, socially uncalibrated personality, you're going to be very lonely. If you're worried about old-you being lonely, you're basically saying that you don't bring anything else to the table, and need need to take a hard look at your life before getting married for flimsy reasons.
Franklin 2017-07-06 12:58:06
I'm excited about death. Once I hit age 65, I'm going to have a big blowout party with my friends and living family. Then I'm going to kill myself. What a great way to call it a day. I don't care if there's a woman or anyone else there with me at the end. The reality is that we all die alone. Some people will argue that 65 seems too young. My experience has been that most people who survive to an advanced age start declining rapidly in their late sixties, both physically and mentally. Screw that. I want to go out with some semblance of dignity.
POB 2017-07-06 12:38:42
Great article! Fear of dying alone is irrational because it comes from SP. Get married, raise a family and "bingo" you'll always be happy and never be lonely until the day you die! We know better... My beloved late great-grandmother always said: "Old people don't learn...they will never be liked by youngsters....they can only expect to be tolerated by them!". Fair warning and right on point!
SadiesBlonde 2017-07-06 11:18:45
Your grandpa was a Baller. Lol. What resources besides therapy are there for modifying longstanding belief structures? Thanks, BD 🙂
Harry Flashman 2017-07-06 11:15:29
BD, sometimes you post and I think, man, that's exactly what I've been wrestling with. Really, really well done. Watching my parents age and contemplating my own future, I've been thinking of these things quite a bit lately. I have an uncle who recently lost his wife of many decades. They were married young, raised a family, worked, saved and wound up living together in an old folks home, together but "alone together", and very unhappy. She passed recently and now he sits alone, crying. It's very, very sad. He did everything a man was told he should do. He was a good provider, a good husband, a good father, an upstanding citizen. And now in his old age, he sits alone in a nursing home crying. Breaks my heart. I think of him and contemplate, how do I avoid this fate? I also have a friend whose father is in his 80s, has a much younger second wife, nice home, good retirement income and does whatever he wants. His kids are adults with their own lives and he has his life. He seems happy and I would guess that he is happy. This appears to be a much better model for happiness in old age.
Justin 2017-07-06 10:57:08
Love these posts to keep ya on track.
Max 2017-07-06 10:45:17
"Relying on your family members, particularly your own kids or grandkids, to make and keep you happy in your old age is one of the stupidest things people in the modern era do." Bookmark it. #Truth spoken
Tim Garrison 2017-07-06 10:22:12
I can't believe you made a mistake , BD , lol!!!! You never make mistakes. However , about these improvements in the modern medical sciences over the next 20 , 30 , 40 .... years , there is a big question mark there for me. You seem to be not considering that the Earth & humankind may not survive that long. Don't you feel sorry for people in their 20 's , these young people may not enjoy a long & fruitful life as we have had ? ( I'm 62 ) If you don't mind l am making this plug for environmentalism. Thank you BD.
JudoJohn 2017-07-06 09:24:40
If LSNFTE is a thing, and I have little doubt that it is, there must be a threshold that, once crossed, essentially guarantees a lifetime of low effort sexual variety. Of course, this is dependent on many factors, and one would probably be limited from moving under this scheme. Given one stays put in the same city, what is that number? I'm guessing 20 is the floor, and 50 is more like it. I'm talking about FB's & MLTR's who LSNFTE'd but remained in the ecosystem. I hope this is a thing, because it's my current long range plan. Of course, to be rich enough to have sugar babies, and still be fit enough to enjoy them, would be even better....but even in the worst case, it would be trivial to find a well preserved widow, if I keep on current trends. As a single man in his mid 40's, I have my concerns, and dying alone isn't one of them.
CrabRangoon 2017-07-06 08:07:26
This is one of the most important posts you've done. Men need to read this and drill it into their brains. This is almost ALWAYS the line I get when I talk about my non-traditional life. People have this fantasy of being surrounded by all their loved ones on their deathbed, everyone gets to say goodbye, etc... This is rarely the case in real life. 3 out of 4 of my grandparents died alone in nursing facilities(the 4th just dropped dead on the lawn mowing the grass), not to mention the countless other old folks in these places. We did visit my grandparents frequently but most of those people rarely had visitors and all had kids and grandkids (they either lived far away or just didn't care much anymore). There's always those weird stories too that people love to cite where some guy/girl died alone in their apartment and no one found them for days or weeks because they had no family. These stories make the news of course so it gets everyone riled up saying "SEE SEE they didn't marry or have kids and died miserable and alone AAARRGGGH!!!". I'd rather go screeching into the grave saying "what a ride" than live some slow droning existence like so many typical suburban married men types. Why trade in 50+ years of your life for the chance that you'll have a group hug on your final breathe?
Bulma78 2017-07-06 07:49:25
I have a few family members that really catered to their parents when they grew older. They had the parent move in with them or either moved in with the parent and I saw what a killer this was to their ability to have any romantic relationships. I know it sounds selfish, but I could not live with an aging parent; I would be absolutely miserable and there is no way I’d be able to have a normal, romantic relationship in that type of situation.
roger 2017-07-06 06:46:22
Wives and Husbands die. Especially as people get older. Hence - you are LIKELY to die alone. You could remarry of course. Though at that age with women having higher life expectancies - I'd like to play the field.
hey hey 2017-07-06 06:05:03
I believe this “lonely old man” fallacy is a great tool from women and society in general in order to put fear into guys so that they enter monogamous relationships they would not have entered otherwise. It is quite a powerful social norm, and takes some effort to not cave to it.Not sure but women have the same fear. I don't believe they use that up to scare men on purpose. That's their belief system. And by the way another thing that raises the attraction of a woman immensely, is not caring if you die "alone". This drives them crazy.
Truc 2017-07-06 05:51:55
Great post as usual BD! I believe this "lonely old man" fallacy is a great tool from women and society in general in order to put fear into guys so that they enter monogamous relationships they would not have entered otherwise. It is quite a powerful social norm, and takes some effort to not cave to it. Again, thanks a lot for all your content, it really helped me solidify my own beliefs against society's programming
Gil Galad 2017-07-06 05:50:27
Great article. These days it's like you're posting all the articles I never knew I really wanted to read, lol. Btw, there's a small typo here:
I’m just here to show you the realties
JEB 2017-07-06 05:49:50
I'd rather die an old Alpha with an OLTR (or couple of MLTRs) with deep respect and admiration for me by my side than with a wife who thinks I'm a beta cuck and who has been waiting the last 20 years for me to perish. I think the only way to truly "die alone" is if you go full MGTOW or become an "angry old man" and stay in that bitter state forever. Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino is a good example of the latter (before his transformation, anyway).
FD 2017-07-06 05:31:25
Something else regarding life expectancy : 79 years old is for any male living currently, ie the average age at which males died in the previous years. Meaning it includes people who died at a young age. The older you are, the bigger your life expectancy, regardless of medical progress. So, a 40 years old will, on average, live way older than 79, even if life expectancy stayed at 79 forever. A 50 year old will live even older, etc. EDIT : and sorry for commenting about that, but that's a frequent misunderstanding about life expectancies.