Anthony’s Weiner

Ladies, please. There’s enough Weiner to go around.

I am so shocked at all of this, congressman Anthony Weiner doing all of those horrible things, sexting porn stars and the like, while he’s MARRIED.  He says there’s “around six” other women in his life.  Holy shit that’s appalling!

I am just sitting with with utter shock that a married man, moreover an honored representative of all of us would ever do this.  I mean, monogamy works so well.  I mean…he promised to be monogamous to his wife when he married her.  Why can’t people just do what they promise?  Is that too much to ask, America?

I just can’t believe this.  But I’m sure it’s JUST “sexting”.  I’m positive he’s never actually cheated on his wife in real life.  Men know how to keep these powerful sexual desires confined to just their telephones.  People know where the line is drawn, and behave accordingly.  I mean, he’s a congressman.  He knows what he’s doing.

But it’s STILL a violation of trust!  Oh, his poor wife.  Oh, that poor woman.  My heart goes out to her in her time of troubles.  It’s perfectly rational to expect a wealthy, powerful, famous, tall, physically fit, confident, arrogant, high sex drive man to remain monogamous forever when you marry him.  He promised, so he’ll do it.  People always keep their long-term promises.  Everyone knows that!  When someone makes promises about their long-term sexual behaviors, it’s like etching it in iron.  You can completely depend on it, and you can completely plan your entire life around it.  All she was expecting was for him to be monogamous to her for the rest of her life.  Perfectly normal.  How horrible for her.  I’m sure she was completely and utterly shocked when she found out about her husband’s evil doings, and rightly so!  A wealthy, powerful, famous, tall, physically fit, confident, arrogant, high sex drive man cheating on his wife?  OH.  MY.  GOD.  I’m sure she never saw that coming!  I certainly didn’t!  I’m still reeling in shock here!

I mean c’mon folks.  Marriage is a sacred, eternal union between two soul mates.  It’s the natural state of human beings to be monogamous with only one person for 50 years straight.  I can’t believe these bastards (and bitches) who cheat on their husbands or wives, violating everything that is natural and holy and right and moral and NORMAL regarding how men and women interact with each other.  Not to mention these poor, innocent, intelligent, mature, rational men and women who do nothing more than expect lifetime, eternal monogamy from a person, only to be let down!

I’m struggling to hold back tears here…I don’t know if I can do it…

But you know what?  I can’t be too hard on the guy.  When he first accidentally sent out that tweet showing his massive Wiener and Wolverine-like physique to that sweet, innocent girl, and he was caught, he did the right thing.  He did what every man should do when caught doing something stupid.  He made up a bullshit story, rallied his troops behind him, got on national TV, and spent days lying to everyone.  Now that’s clever thinking.  That’s exactly what I would have done.

See, when you do something bad, you make it better by lying about it.   Had he just come clean about it right up front, it would have been ten times worse.  No, making up a story and lying to everyone, including his friends and defenders, that’s what you need to do.  I mean, look how well that worked for Nixon.  Oh…wait…  I mean, look how well it worked for Bill Clinton.  Oh…wait…  I mean, look how well it worked for Arnold Schwarzenegger.  When he was running for governor and all those sexual abuse allegations were flying around.  He did the smart thing.  He lied and lied and…  Oh…wait…. I forgot.  He didn’t lie…he came clean and admitted guilt…and then he got elected…  Oops.  Crap.  Hm.  Well, an example will eventually come to me, but trust me on this.  When you’re a public figure and you get caught doing something stupid and embarrassing, it’s always better to hastily whip up a bullshit story, go on national TV, look people in the eye and LIE about it.  That’s always the smart move.  You’ll never get caught.  The press never finds these things out.

By the way, thank the lord that Weinerhead was able to use taxpayer dollars to use his PR people to help promote his lies.  And to help coach his women on how to lie to the press.  I mean, this is a critical government function.  Like building roads.  Helping to cover up sexual scandals is certainly why I pay taxes.  These people are our leaders.  It’s critical they look good to the public.  Plus, we elected them.

I am SO glad our leaders have the power to spend vast amounts of our money in any way they choose, without ever getting punished for it.  I mean c’mon.  They know better than us.  They deserve that money.  I mean, we can’t govern ourselves!  That’s just silly.  We need the elites who are smarter, more honorable, and have more self-control than us to spend our money for us.  That’s the best way to govern for everybody.  We can’t just have a society were everyone is running around spending their own money and where politicians are severely limited in their spending powers.  Oh man, get your head out of the clouds!  That never works!

This is all so surprising and disturbing.  But THANK GOD some of our leaders are different.  Like Obama.  He will never, ever, ever do anything like this.  He’s completely different than Weinerface.  Obama would NEVER cheat on Michelle.  He’s a straight shooter.  See, when Weinerpants says something, he’s full of shit, but when Obama says something, he really means it.  Just like John Edwards.


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