In The News Today

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.  This is Rock Jackman with tonight’s evening news.

Our top story tonight, the economy of the U.S. continues to falter.   Most people continue to bitch and moan and wait around for the Government To Do Something.  Liberals in congress today unveiled the Throw More Money At The Problem This Time We Promise It Will Work Act to almost universal approval to liberals.  Conservatives responded by saying “Don’t you morons understand throwing money at the problem is only a good idea when Republicans are in power?  Jesus!”  At which time the conservative spokesman was immediately terminated for using the word “Jesus” as an expletive.

Spokesman for President Obama commented on the news saying “The President will do whatever the liberals will tell him to do.  Or the conservatives.  Basically whomever yells louder and is more scary.”

In international news, conservatives launched six nuclear ICBMs at Iran because they Hate Us For Our Freedom. Because the missiles were built by no-bid contracts, all six missed the target, instead killing penguins by the millions when they accidentally struck Antarctica.  Rescue efforts for the beleagured penguins are now underway.

President Obama has placed the Pentagon in charge of the recovery operation as well as all relevant media communication.

Stating the Antarctica disaster as the reason, liberals are sending trillions of dollars in aid to bean farmers in rural Mongolia.  When asked regarding the apparent irrelevance of this to Antarctica, they responded by saying We’re All In This Together and began calling the interviewers “heartless”.

Hollywood has wasted no time in taking advantage of the story.  Pixar Films will soon be releasing an animated family feature called Antarctica featuring whimsical penguins.  “It’s a very original idea,” said director Michael Bay, “I mean, we haven’t seen a kid’s movie about penguins in almost, like, a year.”  Like all animated movies made for children over the last decade or so, the movie will feature a nervous, clumsy, submissive male lead, to be voiced by actor Michael Cera, and a strong, intelligent, fiesty, organized, successful female lead, to be voiced by actress Gwyneth Paltrow.  “I think it’s good to show female characters in a positive light,” said Paltrow, “And to ensure men look like absolute pussies.”

In other news, natural disasters of all kinds are hammering the east coast of the United States.  Following along in the current trend of smoking-hot-for-their-age-yet-batshit-insane conservative female political figures, religious nutjob and presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann said the reasons for the flooding, earthquakes, and hurricanes was that God Is Upset With America.  Liberals responded by saying “You bitch!  How dare you spout irrational viewpoints!  Oh my god you’re stupid!”  Then they recalled their own viewpoints and added “Oh, wait…”

Congresswoman Bachmann was approached for comment, but was unable due to being caught in a compromising sexual situation with a so-far unidentified male.  Initial reports indicate it is a man in his late 30’s who goes by the internet alias “White Dragon”.  More on this scandal is it develops.

In entertainment news, a couple who promised they’d ever get divorced are now getting divorced.  Shocking, I know. Wait…wait…this just in, ladies and gentlemen.  They have issued a statement saying they won’t get divorced. Clearly, since everyone always does what they promise in romantic situations, that means they won’t get divorced. Even though one of them cheated.  In related news, a pussified dumbass who just got married is already getting massive drama thrown at him by his wife even though his marriage is less than a week old.

It all goes to show, dear viewers, that Marriage Can Still Work.

And now for sports news, we’ll turn it over to our sports correspondent, Bob Bilgewacker.  Bob?

Thanks, Rock.  An NBA star has cheated on his wife, an NFL star has beat up his wife, and soccer fans have burned down a city.

Sounds like a pretty typical day in sports, Bob.  Thanks for that report.

No problem, Rock.  By the way, do you have that 120 bucks I lent you?  My wife was asking about it and…

Fuck off, Bob.  In economic news, the stock market is crashing, gold is up, American investors are losing money, and the Chinese are making billions.  Hearing the raucous laughter from China all the way to the US White House, President Obama issued a statement today saying, “This shall not stand.  China needs to Do Their Fair Share as Citizens Of The World.  We will not be continue to be taken advantage of by China’s ruthless trade and economic policies.”  China President Hu Jintao responded by saying, “Shut up bitch.  Where’s that moo shoo pork I told you to get me?”  To which President Obama replied, “I’m sorry!  Coming right up Mr. Jintao sir!”

In other economic news, a big bank almost went under, so the conservatives spent hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to bail it out because they’re for Small Government.  A large auto maker almost went under, so the liberals spent hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to bail it out because We’re All In This Together.  Then both groups proceeded to accuse the other of bankrupting the government.  As a well-respected member of the media, I reacted to this by doing my best to ignore Ron Paul.

And now we go to local news.  A 19 year-old man was sentenced to four years in prison and will be a registered sex offender for the rest of his life because he had consensual sex with his girlfriend two weeks before her 18th birthday.  The local sheriff’s department issued a statement saying, “Everyone knows 17 year old girls are immature little children completely incapable of making any decisions regarding sexual matters but on their 18th birthdays they instantaneously mature to full rational adulthood within 45 minutes of blowing out their candles.  Having sex with a 17 year-old girl is disgusting and pedophilia.  But having sex with her two weeks later when she turns 18? Not only is that completely legal, moral, and ethical, it’s also kinda hot.  We’re deeply saddned this sick evil man didn’t understand this basic, obvious fact.  Therefore he deserves to be severely punished to the fullest extent of the law.  If not more so.”

The 19 year-old man, part-time Burger King employee and Magic The Gathering aficionado LARRY JOHNSON, is currently being held without possibility of parole. His 17 year-old girlfriend, who’s name is being withheld by the media, promised LARRY JOHNSON (did we mention his name is LARRY JOHNSON?) that she would remain faithful to him during his time in prison. She then proceeded to sex with his brother, 20 year-old I.T. support technician BARRY JOHNSON. Even though she is still 17 years old, no legal action will be taken against BARRY JOHNSON because quote, “Her parents like him, so they won’t press charges on this one.”

That’s the news for the evening.  This is Rock Jackman for BD News.  Good night.

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