I’ve been living in my new house for a few weeks now. It has hardwood floors. As a man who has lived 100% of his life up until now in carpeted homes, allow me to educate you on the differences between hardwood floors and carpet.

With carpet, if someone accidentally drops an item on the floor, the impact makes no sound.

With hardwood floors, if someone accidentally drops an item on the floor, the impact makes a loud CLACK! sound that terrifies everyone, including animals, for a three block radius.

With carpet, if someone accidentally drops a reasonably delicate item, the item might break, but it usually won’t.

With hardwood floors, if someone accidentally drops a reasonably delicate item, the item is not only guaranteed to break, but will likely shatter into many tiny shards, causing certain words to come out of your mouth. Speaking of which…

With carpet, if you accidentally step on something small and sharp while barefoot or wearing socks, it’s irritating but no big deal.

With hardwood floors, if you accidentally step on something small and sharp while barefoot or wearing socks, it stabs upwards into your foot, often piercing the skin, causing you to scream in pain and gushing blood all over your hardwood floors.

With carpet, when people speak, it sounds like people speaking in a room.

With hardwood floors, when people speak, it sounds like you’re in an empty amphitheater and sounds echo all over the place.

With carpet, if you want to have sex on the floor, you put a blanket down and have sex.

With hardwood floors, you can’t have sex on the floor, unless the woman is willing to have her tailbone snapped in half.

With carpet, if you want to kneel down to pick something up or work on something by the floor, you just drop down without any thought and start working

With hardwood floors, if you want to kneel down to pick something up or work on something by the floor, when you drop down, your god damn knee cracks in half, causing certain words to come out of your mouth, and forcing you to develop some kind of system regarding how to get down on the floor.

With carpet, when dogs and other animals travel across the floor, they’re completely silent.

With hardwood floors, when dogs and other animals travel across the floor, they sound like click-clacking choo-choo trains on steroids with sounds that echo throughout the home.

Hardwood floors are awesome.

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