Why on earth would you possibly get married? What is the point? I’m getting this question a lot as my audience grows. A lot of guys are confused — they understand non-monogamous dating, location independent income, and Five Flags, but they don’t understand getting married. (I have an entire book about this — The Ultimate Open Marriage Manual.) “Caleb, why are you telling men to get married???”
I’m not. Let’s discuss.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If you are under the age of 35, you should not get married nor should you even move in with a woman. You should not live with a woman in a romantic context if you’re under the age of 35, period. If you do, you are a goddamn moron! (You can live with roommates if you need to; that’s different.) If you live in the Western World in the modern era, that is virtually guaranteed to blow up in your face. When you are a younger man, you need to focus on your goals and your life. You need to build your empire, your infrastructure, and your life in your twenties and thirties. When you’re older, then we can discuss options.
This applies to OLTR marriage, traditional monogamous marriage, and living with a girlfriend in an open or monogamous relationship. Do not live with a woman if you are under the age of 35. You are insane if you do. This is not 1952 for fuck’s sake. You will cause damage to your life that could take as long as 20 years to repair.
As for you men over the age of 35, this is where things change a little… maybe. Here’s the deal, and I know this for a fact: Most men — including most men in the Manosphere, in the red pill world, in the MRA world, the pickup artist world, and even the Alpha 2.0 world — once they get over the age of 35 (or certainly over the age of 40), they will eventually want to settle down with one woman in some form or fashion. That could mean traditional monogamous marriage (although I hope not; then you’re a moron again), it could mean moving in with a woman, or it might mean an OLTR marriage or something similar. Upwards of 80% of men will eventually want this.
We could argue about whether or not that’s a good idea, or how some men should and some shouldn’t. Those are interesting conversations, but none of it changes the fact that this will happen. I don’t care how much of a badass you think you are or how independent you are. When you’re a young man, you don’t know what the fuck you’re going to do 20 or 30 years from now.
The OLTR Marriage Model
I could sit here and say, “OK guys, NEVER get married and never move in with a woman for the rest of your life.” The problem is that 90% of the audience over the age of 40 would tune that out. Like it or not, men over 40 like to settle down. So for me to say that would be a complete waste of time, and no one would follow that advice.
What I am forced to say instead is, “Alright dumbass, if you really want to do this, here is the least bad way to do it: OLTR marriage.” Most men are much more receptive to this than the idea of never settling down at all.
I’m going to summarize this for you: The OLTR marriage is the only appropriate and safe way for you to settle down with a woman in the 21st century in the Western world. This includes moving in with a woman even if you’re not married.
An OLTR marriage is just like a traditional monogamous marriage with two very key differences.
First, it’s an open marriage. You are allowed to have sex with any woman you want, whenever you want, without ever having to check with your wife. You are still sexually free even though you are married or living with a woman in a romantic context. The only thing you can’t do is date other women. In Alpha 2.0 parlance, we have FB, MLTR, and OLTR. OLTR is your girlfriend or wife. FBs are women you’re hooking up with, and MLTRs are women you’re dating. So in an OLTR marriage, you can’t date other women, but you can hook up with them all you want. You don’t have your balls chopped off by a woman, and you don’t have to live a double life and live like a thief in the night by cheating on her. You’re still an Alpha Male, and you’re still free.
The second difference is the financial barrier. That means you have your finances and she has hers, and there are legal and logistical barriers separating the two. So if you get divorced — and there is roughly a 76% divorce rate today — you’re protected financially. Under the OLTR marriage model, you only get married in areas or provinces where this financial barrier is allowable and enforceable.
This is what I have — an OLTR marriage where I have sex with my FBs on a regular basis, and if I ever get divorced from Pink Firefly (and of course I hope I don’t), I don’t lose a penny. That is the only safe, rational, and valid way to co-habit a woman in the modern era.
Why even do this? Why would a man want to get married at all even under an OLTR Marriage and even if he’s well over 35?
Typically, the people asking this question are either under age 35 or over 35 and just went through a horrible divorce.
When you’re under 35, you don’t know what you want in the long term, so of course, it’s valid to wonder why you’d ever get married. Wait 10 or 20 or 30 years and you’ll find out; it’s just how people are (with very rare exceptions which yes, do exist, but are rare). Men over age 35 who have recently experienced a horrible divorce go through a period during which they are irrationally psychotic about the notion of ever getting married again. That’s why you see so many men swearing they’ll never do it, and five years later, they do. In either case, you are not a man who is thinking rationally. Just wait and the answer will come.
If you’re not in these categories and you’re asking this question, I can give you my answer: because it makes me happier. It might surprise you to hear this, but I have always been a pair-bonding type guy. Over the last 13 years, I have dated multiple women at all times, and in my case, there was always one girl in that group who I connected with on a level that didn’t exist with the others. This came about very naturally. Sometimes it was an OLTR and sometimes it was a high-end MLTR. But I knew that as I got older, I would eventually want to settle down in an OLTR marriage. As long as I could have sex with other women and my hard-earned money wasn’t at risk, I was happy to do that.
Way back in in 2012, eight friggin’ years ago and several years before I even met Pink Firefly, I wrote an article here called How Open Marriage Works. I said at the time that eventually, I would want this for myself. And guess what — today, I have pretty much exactly the marriage I described back then. (As usual, I always do what I say I will do. It just that often I do it late.)
You have to know these things about yourself. You have to know why you want to be with a woman.
It is only valid to settle down with a woman when you want it, but don’t need it. Beta males and many Alpha Male 1.0s settle down with a woman because they need to or because they’re terrified she might leave. If you need to marry a woman, you’re doing this wrong. I didn’t need to get married and I still don’t. I wanted to.
The marriage I have with Pink Firefly makes me very happy; it’s one of the biggest sources of happiness in my life, and that’s saying a lot, because I have a really happy life.
But I did it at the correct time — well over the age of 35 and after I’d already done everything else I wanted. And I didn’t do it because I needed it, I did it because I wanted it.