Sleeping arrangements with a live-in couple is always interesting.

After living with Pink Firefly for about nine months and sharing the same bed with her at night, both of us have had to re-learn how to sleep with another human being. It has not been nearly as bad as I first expected, but it’s definitely an adjustment.

The first issue is that both her and I have a queen sized bed, which is big enough for two people, but barely, especially when one of these two people (me) is quite large. Thankfully, Pink Firefly is tiny (5’4” and just over a hundred pounds) so this helps.

When she moved in, I just chucked my bed (since I don’t give a shit) and we used hers, since it’s technically nicer than my crappy bachelor bed. My bed was queen-sized as is hers. A king-sized bed would be much, much better for us, but that’s expensive and I’m not buying one until my income goes up. As always, she has her own money and I’ve told her she is welcome to buy a new king bed for us whenever she likes. (I’m sure you can imagine the response I got.)

The next issue is that while I don’t mind sharing a bed with a woman, provided that woman is both small and quiet (and PF is both), I refuse to share the same blankets with a woman. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life getting blankets pulled off of me in the middle of the night, nor getting into arguments about how I pull the blankets away from her. No thanks.

I also like to tightly wrap blankets around me at night like a sleeping bag, and this isn’t possible if you share sheets/blankets with another human, even if those sheets/blankets are very large. You always end up with this large space in-between the two of you, especially when you’re both facing opposite directions. I hate that. I want to be wrapped in my blankets like a burrito, even in the summer. Every time I sleep in a hotel, I pull all the blankets and sheets out of the tucked mattresses before I go to bed, then wrap myself in my burrito. I’m sure the maids hate me.

I also hate sheets on top of me. Sheets below me are fine, but sheets on top of me are stupid as shit. Halfway into the night, these damn things are wrapped around my neck, or bunched down by one of my legs, or shoved up my butt crack, or in some other stupid and inconvenient location. Fuck that. Just give me one or two big, thick blankets for my burrito and I’m good. Sheets are gay.

So lately, I’ve slept with my own two big, heavy, queen-sized comforter-thick blankets on my side of the bed while Pink Firefly sleeps with her multiple layers of sheets, blankets, and comforter like a normal human. That works for me, but often my overly huge blankets will invade her space in the middle of the night, causing her to push them over back towards me. Also, since her blankets aren’t tucked in on my side of the bed, every morning she’ll wake up and half of her blankets will be on the floor on her side, which, as a girl, she doesn’t really like.

So while I refused to buy a king bed, I agreed to go get some smaller comforters/blankets (twin sized, since they don’t make single sized big blankets like this) to alleviate most of this size problem. We went out, and I picked out mine and she picked out a new twin-sized blanket for her. Two twin-sized blankets on a queen-sized bed will be much more manageable.

So we get home, and her blanket is perfect, but as I lay out my new blankets, they’re way too big. They’re almost the size of the entire damn queen bed. We compare my blankets with hers, and sure enough, mine are larger in width. They’re both “twin” so I didn’t understand. I look on the packaging and it says “Twin/Twin XL” instead of just “Twin.”

Fuck. Really, bed industry, really? Can’t you just keep this shit simple, with standard sizes?

So now I have two big ass blankets in the back seat of my car I have to return and I have to locate “twin” blankets that are not too girly/gay and that don’t say “Twin/Twin XL.” Awesome.

Eventually, when my income shoots up again, I’ll get a king bed and solve all this shit. But not until it makes sense financially.

Edit/Update: Sooooooo based on the comments I’m getting below, I seem to have miscommunicated in this article. My fault. I am not having trouble sleeping. During this whole time I’ve been sleeping with my own blankets and without a sheet on top of me, so I’ve been sleeping just fine. This problem is in the “irritant” category, not the “holy fuck I can’t get a good night’s sleep” category. Hope that clears things up.

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